2nd Baby Shower Question

avolker1

I've never heard that a shower for a second child is rude. What I don't understand is why it's ok for a couple living together with mostly everything they need already, to have a shower thrown for them. If I've been living with my FI for 4 years and we are just registering to upgrade our pots and pans and whatever else, why is that ok but a person having a second child is expected to buy all new stuff or use handmedowns? I've been reading that the purpose of any shower is to prepare the couple or new parents for that new stage in their lives, so if you're already prepared then why is it ok for an engaged couple to have a showe but not the parents of a subsequent child? I get that you might not put things like cradles on the registry the second time around, but I don't see the harm in new clothes, diapers, etc. I guess my rambling point is that it would seem a shower is only appropriate for the couple who doesn't live together or have much of anything before getting married. I guess I'm not understanding why one situation is ok and not the other. Also, if its your second marriage and your stuff is all run down and outdated then what is the difference between that person having a shower and the person who is getting married for the first time and is just upgrading their items as well?

NOLAbridealmost

My mom had triplets when I was 8. We had a huge shower. I don't think anyone side-eyed that.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question:[QUOTE]Hi Ladies I've been lurking a bit since the great advice I've received the other day...but I was going to throw my opinion into the ring here... I'm on The Bump shower board all the time, and I've thrown at least 34 showers a year for my friends over the past few years. nbsp;The party line on 2nd showers on The Bump is that they are generally frowned upon because they are meant to welcome a new mom into motherhood and "shower" her with gifts and advice. nbsp;Ultimately family planning and outfitting a child/children is the parents' responsibility, and many people judge showers after the first child for this reason. nbsp;Some people give a "pass" for extenuating circumstances, like a family that lost a child and got rid of baby items out of grief, a second child after a long gap, or a remarried mom having a child with a new husband in these cases it's recommended the showers be very small, limited to immediate family and friends, with little overlap of the guest list from the first shower.I personally think all new babies are a cause for celebration, but that the celebration doesn't need to take the form of a shower. nbsp;I always buy gifts for my pregnant friends no matter how many kids they have and usually drop off some food and another small gift after they bring the baby home. Posted by 1026pumpkin[/QUOTE]
This all makes sense to me.

strlzfan11

My sister's coworkers threw her a shower for her 2nd baby, which I have no issue with, but I would've given her the side-eye had she expected someone from our family to throw her one.

shaygray88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:91320522-7c88-4f6c-b00d-09b4d823e304">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : Nope.  But I'm curious as to what that has to do with my post or how it affects it. ETA:  And when I do have a kid, we're only planning for one, will only have a shower under duress if we have one at all (as was my bridal shower) and it will be a very small affair (also like my bridal shower).
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Just curious is all:)

shaygray88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:81c13d18-ebe6-4589-9d0f-5653cb11c469">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question: Oh, okay. The way you ladies on the AA board were talking about us on E, and especially myself, Addie, and Hoboken the other day made me think it was possibly more than that. Good to know it was just random curiosity with no point whatsoever. :D
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Hey now! No name dropping:)

pends123

My cousin had a baby shower for both of her daughters who are 4 years apart in age.  Another cousin just had a "diaper party" for her second son who will be one year younger than her first son.  No one in my family side-eyed either of the second showers/celebrations, to my knowledge.  I think in the future I would like to celebrate the birth of all of my children without expecting gifts from anyone -- just hosting our closest family and friends for a gender reveal dinner party or something low-key like that.  I don't mind attending second showers personally, but I would not like a fullblown one for myself.

MuppetFan

I am okay with Sprinkles. They're not a big production. We just had one for one of my close friends who lost a baby in between her first and current one and I wanted to make it extra special for her. We had a lot of people over and some snacks and a little cake and we basically gave her diapers, lots of diapers...a photo frame, and 2 or 3 new outfits.

I am not okay with second showers unless there is a substantial gap. I went to a shower when I was in HS or college for my friend's mother who realllly had an oops pregnancy (at least 18 or 19 year gap). I totally understood that!

I dislike it when they go through the effort of registering a second time, expecting people will buy them lots of gifts.  I am really not okay when they throw the shower for themselves and invite people they kind of know....which is what happened to me yesterday.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:bc730b12-01e2-4a9c-893a-0864997f49f3">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie, I actually agree with you, but in that case, I don't get it either because it's about the smaller things that don't usually survive more than one kid. So the whole "you already have a kid, you shouldn't need that stuff" really doesn't apply then either. ItzM, every shower is a gift grab. They are literally parties with the sole purpose of giving a gift. And by your logic, showers for people who already live together are also inappropriate, no?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Showers secondary purpose is gift-giving. It's primary is to show your love and support for the couple.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:82c1db8b-220e-4fd6-93d5-8323a9cb407d">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I've mainly just been playing devil's advocate but my take is a. I have mixed feelings about showers in general b. I don't think anyone should EVER have a 50+ person shower.  I strongly believe that showers should be for your nearest and dearest only c. I don't have issues personally with second baby or second wedding showers or any other not-just-blatantly-WTH-rude showers, because I figure they are all just gift grabs in the end and I can accept or decline regardless.  I'm much more likely to sideeye a first time bride who I see 2 to 3 times a year sending me a shower invite than my best friend who is having her second or third kid.   However, I don't think any of the opinions expressed here are inherently wrong.  I am just a fan of even application of ethics.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Sometimes a small shower isn't an option though- baby OR bridal. So someone with a huge family and a lot of friends shouldn't be entitled to a shower? That's not fair. You know my situation- I am having 80 people at my shower. ALL 80 people are absolutely dear to me and I couldn't imagine not having them there. So by your logic I shouldn't be entitled to have a shower?

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:b08df98c-a979-407e-9f27-291c03ae8f2f">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question: That's insane. Plus, a shower that large would be miserable to have to sit through as a guest.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

I agree, but it has to be this way.

I'm not opening gifts. I know it's wrong and against etiquette and probably very rude according to everyone else here on TK, but with the amount of people and limited time (2 hours) it was the best option I had.

Simply Fated

I agree with sleeper. It doesn't HAVE to be that way. FWIW, I'd back out if I offered to throw a shower for a loved one and they told me the guest list HAS to be 80 people. Even pizza for that many people can be over two hundred dollars. And that's just the pizza. The point of a shower is to shower the guest of honor with gifts. If you wanted to be the center of attention at a party with 80 of your closest friends and family, you could have just hosted a get together, leaving the word "shower" out of it. This way, no one would be expected to bring gifts and you wouldn't be breaking etiquette. Anyway, back to baby showers... if you can't afford the big ticket items for the baby, I'm not going to encourage anyone to rely on someone to host a party for you in hopes someone purchases those big items for you.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:cd5b11d2-727b-4861-8872-f7fc64228f9b">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : Showers secondary purpose is gift-giving. It's primary is to show your love and support for the couple.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

Showers are inherently gift-giving occasions. If I wanted to show love and support for the couple, I can attend their wedding, I can write them a note within a card to tell them how much I love and support them, I can take them out to dinner and show my support for them, etc. There are many ways to show love and support for a couple. It doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a shower. BUT showers are primarily gift-giving events. That is what sets them apart from all the other ways I listed in which you could support a couple.

You don't have to have 80 people at your shower. Just like no one HAS to have a huge wedding. Not everyone can be invited to everything. Mature adults will understand that and get over it. It's not your fautl if someone is not a mature adult and throws a hissy fit for not being invited to everything. But being rude to the guests you DO invite (like by not opening gifts at your shower) is not acceptable because you chose to have a large shower. If you're going to have that many people at your shower, then at least be polite to them and open your gifts for them to see. If you didn't want a shower that lasted for awhile, then you should've limited the guest list.

MuppetFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:f0c6ddf8-9a70-4152-bf8c-0517648132e2">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question: No, it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Be prepared for a lot of pissed off family and friends.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

Why couldn't it be longer than 2 hours? I'd prefer a speed gift open as a guest to no gift open. Hard to see it as a shower when it's more of a gift drop off.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:c7563fae-a698-4b9f-bbd5-1b857d628293">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : <strong> Why couldn't it be longer than 2 hours?</strong> I'd prefer a speed gift open as a guest to no gift open. Hard to see it as a shower when it's more of a gift drop off.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

Because unfortuntely my mom doesn't have a lot of money and the restaurant charges per person per hour. The 80 people was her call not mine b/c she didn't wnt to host multiple showers. Their house is very small and no one else offered their houses so we had to have it at restaurant or not at all. I personally didn't care if I had a shower or not and tried to decline it but she told me I was "getting a shower end of story" (my parents are not easy to reason with).

So there goes that.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:025c9f60-7b4c-4a44-a5bd-d0c215a652a9">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : Showers are inherently gift-giving occasions. If I wanted to show love and support for the couple, I can attend their wedding, I can write them a note within a card to tell them how much I love and support them, I can take them out to dinner and show my support for them, etc. There are many ways to show love and support for a couple. It doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a shower. BUT showers are primarily gift-giving events. That is what sets them apart from all the other ways I listed in which you could support a couple. You don't have to have 80 people at your shower. Just like no one HAS to have a huge wedding. Not everyone can be invited to everything. Mature adults will understand that and get over it. It's not your fautl if someone is not a mature adult and throws a hissy fit for not being invited to everything. But being rude to the guests you DO invite (like by not opening gifts at your shower) is not acceptable because you chose to have a large shower. If you're going to have that many people at your shower, then at least be polite to them and open your gifts for them to see. If you didn't want a shower that lasted for awhile, then you should've limited the guest list.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

My mom chose to have an 80 person shower. I didn't. Limiting the list wasn't an option- I'm not hosting. I can voice my opinions all I want, it's not really up to me. My mom is just trying give me a shower with the limited $$ she has so I am very grateful for the shower I'm getting.

MuppetFan

Ugh. I bet if she shopped around more she could've negotiated a better deal with a venue. Tough situation for you.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:6e5269c0-b973-486e-9356-0352c3a96144">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : My mom chose to have an 80 person shower. I didn't. Limiting the list wasn't an option- I'm not hosting. I can voice my opinions all I want, it's not really up to me. My mom is just trying give me a shower with the limited $$ she has so I am very grateful for the shower I'm getting.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

You can politely decline showers, too, you know. No one is forcing you to actually have a shower at all.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question:I've mainly just been playing devil's advocate but my take is a. I have mixed feelings about showers in general b. I don't think anyone should EVER have a 50 person shower. nbsp;I strongly believe that showers should be for your nearest and dearest only c. I don't have issues personally with second baby or second wedding showers or any other notjustblatantlyWTHrude showers, because I figure they are all just gift grabs in the end and I can accept or decline regardless. nbsp;I'm much more likely to sideeye a first time bride who I see 2 to 3 times a year sending me a shower invite than my best friend who is having her second or third kid. nbsp; However, I don't think any of the opinions expressed here are inherently wrong. nbsp;I am just a fan of even application of ethics.Posted by StageManager14Sometimes a small shower isn't an option though baby OR bridal. So someone with a huge family and a lot of friends shouldn't be entitled to a shower? That's not fair. You know my situation I am having 80 people at my shower. ALL 80 people are absolutely dear to me and I couldn't imagine not having them there. So by your logic I shouldn't benbsp;entitled to have a shower? Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
I don't think anyone is entitled to a shower or anything like that.