Thoughts on Symbolic Gifts to the Poor?

julibug86

Was reading through some threads and was wondering on what people think about Symbolic Gifts to the Poor?  Couldn't find this topic ever being discussed, but was just curious. 

For example, we are having a full Catholic mass and when the gifts (Eucharist and wine) are brought up, there will also be a gift brought up for the less fortunate.  In our case, FI and I made a donation to a charity that we support.  I know that it's a nay-nay-no-no to do a charitable donation in lieu of a favor, but this is a donation straight from me and FI to the charity - no one else involved.  We still have favors!  There is a little blurb in our program about who we chose to make a donation to, but we are not asking our guests to donate (no collection).

So....thoughts? 

kmbryant2413

There are a few girls on here that might be able to help, but maybe this Q on the Catholic board might get you a few more responses? I really have no idea what any of that means, not being Catholic myself..

Jen4948

I'd make the donation and leave the blurb out of your program.

Kate61487

I'd also leave the blurb out of the program and not have the priest make any big announcement. 

My personal parish (nor any that I've belonged to in the past) doesn't do this. But I've seen it at mass, where an extra person is bringing up the gifts and brings a basket of non-perishables or something that's going to a shelter, but they've never made any kid of announcement or declaration.  If you can leave it in the background do so.  If the church insists it be part of the presentation of the gifts that's fine but leave it as low key as possible.

julibug86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-on-symbolic-gifts-to-the-poor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc32a58a-6a3c-4e60-a454-56dcdbc2e2cdPost:92fd849d-6976-4dd9-b683-53e1a222e9f5">Re: Thoughts on Symbolic Gifts to the Poor?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are a few girls on here that might be able to help, but maybe this Q on the Catholic board might get you a few more responses? I really have no idea what any of that means, not being Catholic myself..
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

There are definitely posts on it on the Catholic board, but I wanted to get the Eboard's opinion.  What would you think if you went to a wedding where this happened?  I'm such an Eboard lurker, but primarily post in the April brides board. 

monkeysip

It's not necessary to bring up gifts to the poor during the mass, so unless all your guests are Catholic and would miss it, I wouldn't do it.

It makes more sense in the context of a normal mass, you know?  There's collection baskets for the whole congregation to make their tithe, and often tangibles are brought up (cans of food, etc.) 

It might seem out of place or AW-ish at a wedding, and your non-catholic guests especially might not know that donating items to the poor is something done during the mass.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-on-symbolic-gifts-to-the-poor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc32a58a-6a3c-4e60-a454-56dcdbc2e2cdPost:89b96f1a-82ed-4f71-b4e3-5040efd58296">Re: Thoughts on Symbolic Gifts to the Poor?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thoughts on Symbolic Gifts to the Poor? : There are definitely posts on it on the Catholic board, but I wanted to get the Eboard's opinion.  What would you think if you went to a wedding where this happened?  I'm such an Eboard lurker, but primarily post in the April brides board. 
Posted by julibug86[/QUOTE]

<div>Even though I am Lutheran and I lovingly call myself Catholic Light, I have no idea what goes on in a mass. I also have never been to a Catholic wedding. So if you are asking me specifically, if I saw you do that/read the blurb/heard the announcement I would have no idea what was going on anyways, so truthfully, I guess I wouldn't care.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I think I would feel like it was AWing a little bit for anyone, anywhere to announce that they are giving a donation because it should be a personal and private matter, not something to get a pat on the back for. So I would follow PP's advice.</div><div>
</div>

julibug86

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.  We are printing programs on Saturday, so leaving out the gift and just sending it up there on the sly seems to be the popular opinion.  FI and I both just wanted to do SOMETHING - I mean, we are spending so much moolah on the wedding and this just felt right.  Call it Catholic guilt...

NYCBride2013

Not sure on how this falls etiquette wise but if you are having a full Catholic Mass maybe you can have it mentioned during the Prayer of the Faithful.  I think this may be less in your face than written in the program or a specific announcement but I personally wouldn't side eye either.

"We remember XX charity in a special way at this Eucharist and pray that it's mission is fulfilled."

or
(I just googled and came up with the below)
"For the poor, the homeless, the addicted, and those begging on the street, may we not turn away from them, no matter how distasteful and offensive their circumstances might be, and instead may we earnestly attempt to lighten their load by taking it upon ourselves."   

HeatherSP13

I am Catholic.  My fiance is not but his family is.  We are getting in married in Catholic creremony but without a Mass.  I'm working on my programs as well.  Since I'm not having a Mass I don't have this problem.  If I was having a Mass I would put it in the program.  Since we are not having in a Mass I'm having masses paid for intention of our wedding & all of our families.  I'm doing 5 Masses total.  I put a donation towards this.  I am putting it in the program.  I think mention of donation related to church is different ettiquette than asking guests to donate for registry or bar.

julibug86

Thanks for all the responses.  Always curious to see what others think.  Just to follow up...

- We did write our own Prayers of the Faithful and followed the typical set up (clergy, political/local leaders, the less fortunate, etc) so have something in there.

-We are definitely NOT doing a collection or skipping favors to make a donation or any of that.  No worries there.

- Our church automatically offers up masses for us to celebrate the banns of marraige - just as they would if a member of my family were to pass away.  This is a pretty customary thing in my family.  We do make donations each year for a mass for my grandmother who passed.  I wouldn't call it "paying for prayers" since you give to the church anyway, it's just asking for the congregation to pray for a certain person/people.

I guess the only reason I contemplated even putting it into the program was because I have already gotten feedback from some of my family who seemed surprised we were doing "real" favors (they are handmade by FI) and not doing the donation route (which is extremely popular in my family and area).  I work at a non-profit and have very passionate views on giving back, but at the same time, I agree with giving "real" favors (and know the Eboard feels the same!).  I guess I thought that if I threw a blurb in the program, it would make it more personable since it is a cause I care about.

...but I totally see how it would come off AW-ish and will take the advice to scrap it