Ring bearer as a prop?

1026pumpkin

Hi Ladies- hope you don't mind my intrusion from The Bump boards, but I figured I might get more feedback over here.

Some casual friends of DH just emailed and asked if our son (2.5 yrs old) could be a ring bearer in their wedding this October.  In the email, they told us he would need to arrive early for photos, ceremony at X time, and then we could all plan to leave at Y time- strongly implying we are NOT invited to the reception.  I don't think they have any young boys in their family, and am assuming that they're asking us because we're the only people with a young son that they know.  We're not very close to them and I would have been surprised to get a wedding invitation at all.

Do I need to come right out and ask the bride if we're invited?  I feel kind of ridiculous needing to ask, but her request seems kind of ridiculous to start with... Also, we will have a young infant- about 1.5-2 months old at the time of the wedding.  Not sure if I need to mention that to her now and explain that our family is kind of an "all or nothing" deal at that point, because I won't be leaving such a young breastfeeding infant with a sitter, and DH wouldn't take DS without me.  What do you think?  Ask my tacky questions and get this settled now, or agree to let DS participate and hope they handle things properly when the time comes?  I have nothing against child-free weddings, but think you're not entitled to a child-free reception once you start including kids in the bridal party......

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ring-bearer-as-a-prop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9be4bd7-bf97-4744-8206-f078da86ea3cPost:4d050ef7-f61a-4b3d-9392-304c5f5cfa94">Ring bearer as a prop?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies- hope you don't mind my intrusion from The Bump boards, but I figured I might get more feedback over here. <strong>Some casual friends of DH just emailed and asked if our son (2.5 yrs old) could be a ring bearer in their wedding this October. </strong> In the email, they told us he would need to arrive early for photos, ceremony at X time, and then we could all plan to leave at Y time- strongly implying we are NOT invited to the reception.  I don't think they have any young boys in their family, and am assuming that they're asking us because we're the only people with a young son that they know. <strong> We're not very close to them and I would have been surprised to get a wedding invitation at all</strong>. Do I need to come right out and ask the bride if we're invited?  I feel kind of ridiculous needing to ask, but her request seems kind of ridiculous to start with... Also, we will have a young infant- about 1.5-2 months old at the time of the wedding.  Not sure if I need to mention that to her now and explain that our family is kind of an "all or nothing" deal at that point, because I won't be leaving such a young breastfeeding infant with a sitter, and DH wouldn't take DS without me.  What do you think?  Ask my tacky questions and get this settled now, or agree to let DS participate and hope they handle things properly when the time comes?  I have nothing against child-free weddings, but think you're not entitled to a child-free reception once you start including kids in the bridal party......
Posted by 1026pumpkin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you're not close and weren't expecting an invite, why not just tell them no?

</div>

jaenella

I'd definitely ask - awkward as it may be now. If she genuinely meant to invite you and it just didn't come across when you talked, I'm sure she'll be embarassed and apologetic - or maybe will be shamed into doing the right thing!. If she really did want to have your son as RB and didn't intend you invite you to the reception, you know in advance and can decline the 'honour' as opposed to potentially being in a situation where you've said yes and then find out you aren't invited and have to consider withdrawing him from the WP.

nda8414

You're right, that's an odd request. He definitely sounds like a prop. Asking via email is pretty strange, too. I would say that since you'll have an infant at the time, it maybe difficult for you 4 to spend the entirety of photos, ceremony and reception away from the house.

NYCMercedes

You have to decide what works for you and your family first. Do you want to go to the wedding, assuming you're invited (snort, can't believe this bride)? Do you think your son would be able to do this at three years old? If you want to do this, then I'd have no problem asking about the invitation.

nda8414

P.s. congrats on the baby!!!

artbyallie

I wouldn't bother to ask, just decline. Your son is pretty young to be RB anyway, and it definitely sounds like they just want him as a prop.

MoonlightSilver

It doesnt sound like you'll want to spend the money and time for a distant friend, so why not just straight out decline? Her wedding will still go on without a ring bearer.

nextrightthing

I agree with PP who said just decline.  With a newborn, you won't need to worry about your son being an RB for an acquaintance.

1026pumpkin

Thanks, ladies! I think we'll tell them we think it will be too much for DS at such a young age, coupled with a new baby. I might have been more inclined to do this if she had called to ask and it was clear she wanted DS in the wedding and us in attendance because it was important to them. I think we'll be dodging the bullet by declining now. Though, I do think DS would have looked very dapper in a mini tux....

Amyzen83

I think you made a good decision! Avoids all kinds of awkwardness, plus that was rude on the Bride's part to not invite you all after.

JayJay1212

Jeeeez, it is not like having a ring bearer is obligatory! I didn't have any close little girls in my life so I didn't have a flower girl. Just say no!

ErinElizabethR

In Response to Re:Ring bearer as a prop?:[QUOTE]Hi Ladies hope you don't mind my intrusion from The Bump boards, but I figured I might get more feedback over here.Some casual friends of DH just emailed and asked if our son 2.5 yrs old could be a ring bearer in their wedding this October. nbsp;In the email, they told us he would need to arrive early for photos, ceremony at X time, and then we could all plan to leave at Y time strongly implying we are NOT invited to the reception. nbsp;I don't think they have any young boys in their family, and am assuming that they're asking us because we're the only people with a young son that they know. nbsp;We're not very close to them and I would have been surprised to get a wedding invitation at all.Do I need to come right out and ask the bride if we're invited? nbsp;I feel kind of ridiculous needing to ask, but her request seems kind of ridiculous to start with... Also, we will have a young infant about 1.52 months old at the time of the wedding. nbsp;Not sure if I need to mention that to her now and explain that our family is kind of an "all or nothing" deal at that point, because I won't be leaving such a young breastfeeding infant with a sitter, and DH wouldn't take DS without me. nbsp;What do you think? nbsp;Ask my tacky questions and get this settled now, or agree to let DS participate and hope they handle things properly when the time comes? nbsp;I have nothing against childfree weddings, but think you're not entitled to a childfree reception once you start including kids in the bridal party...... Posted by 1026pumpkin[/QUOTE]
Your son is going to be PISSED when he finds out that he had to wear a suit and stand still forever and that they plan on having cake without him.

SomethingBeautiful08

Your son would probably do great, but that feels like a lot to put a kid through for someone you are not close to, and it would be rude of the bride to expect you guys to go through all of that and not at least invite the family to reception.  My ring bearer was my 18 mo nephew and he did great for that age, he walked down the isle, but I know that my brother in law did end up taking him out of the ceramony because he started to get fussy... he's a todler and I didn't have high expectations.  If the bride hasn't been around young kids, I'm sure she has unreasonable expecations so it sounds like it is not really worth it.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ring-bearer-as-a-prop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9be4bd7-bf97-4744-8206-f078da86ea3cPost:7eedf7fe-7b64-421b-95ca-b9c300d88fee">Re:Ring bearer as a prop?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Ring bearer as a prop?: Your son is going to be PISSED when he finds out that he had to wear a suit and stand still forever and that they plan on having cake without him.
Posted by ErinElizabethR[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha... So true :).</div>

Loopyseven

Wow... I missed your original post, but this one might take the cake as far as I've seen.  And thanks for coming back to update us.  I love hearing how things turn out.