Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid

I need opinions on a bad bridesmaid.  The wedding is coming up in about a month and I've been having an issue with one of the bridesmaids. She hasnt attended ANYTHING that we have set up for the wedding. We are doing a special dance w/the bridal party (that she has no clue about), didn't attend the bachelorette party, invited people to the shower that I did not want there, because now they have to come  to the wedding. Just picked up her dress (its been in since Feb) and now alterations need to be rushed. We've been trying to keep the bridal party in the loop about everything but shes always unavailable because of work or something (at the last minute)  It's been a complete nightmare. 

Do I just have to suck it up and keep her in the wedding? Or would it be rude flat out ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding? I have no idea what to do. What if she can't attend the rehearsal dinner or the other stuff we have planned over the next month? 
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Re: Bridesmaid

  • The ONLY thing she is required to do is get the dress and show up on time, sober, to smile for pictures. All pre-wedding parties are optional, you have no right to get worked up about her not being there. It sounds like you're expecting a lot from your BMs. Lower your expectations and you'll be a lot happier. And please please please don't do a bridal party dance. It's mortifying to do, plus she's not your puppet so don't treat her as such.
  • And no you don't kick her out. It's a friendship ending move and you will be the bad guy no matter how you try to spin the story. Unless she tries to harm you or sleep with your FI you have no right to kick her out. Make sure she has the dress and let her handle the alterations. If she doesn't get it done in time then she takes herself out of the wedding.
  • ok so i dont think that you should ask her to not be a part of your wedding anymore, but maybe sit down and have a chat one on one to bring her up to speed and find out whats going on. as for the dance part i would have to agree with Jordanf13, it is very uncomfortable. my fiance was in a wedding where he was forced to dance with the bridesmaid he was partnered with.  and we were both in another wedding recently where they forced the bridal party to dance (luckily at that one we got to dance with each other). this is something that we decided not to do for our wedding
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:72c35f1c-0292-4726-8cd8-7c33dfa314ae">Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need opinions on a bad bridesmaid.  The wedding is coming up in about a month and I've been having an issue with one of the bridesmaids. She hasnt attended ANYTHING that we have set up for the wedding. We are doing a special dance w/the bridal party (that she has no clue about), didn't attend the bachelorette party, invited people to the shower that I did not want there, because now they have to come  to the wedding. Just picked up her dress (its been in since Feb) and now alterations need to be rushed. We've been trying to keep the bridal party in the loop about everything but shes always unavailable because of work or something (at the last minute)  It's been a complete nightmare.  Do I just have to suck it up and keep her in the wedding? Or would it be rude flat out ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding? I have no idea what to do. What if she can't attend the rehearsal dinner or the other stuff we have planned over the next month? 
    Posted by CareyH210[/QUOTE]
    For the love of holey socks, please ixnay the dance.  Especially since you have no idea how this bridesmaid would feel about the idea!  People don't want to participate in that and people don't want to have to watch other people bbe uncomfortable participating in that.  It's just unnecessary and weird.

    Alterations are her problem, not yours.  She didn't have to attend the bachelorette party.  All she actually has to do is show up at the wedding in said dress.  Anything else she does is a bonus.  You can't kick her out.



  • Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:72c35f1c-0292-4726-8cd8-7c33dfa314ae">Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need opinions on a bad bridesmaid.  The wedding is coming up in about a month and I've been having an issue with one of the bridesmaids. She hasnt attended ANYTHING that we have set up for the wedding. We are doing a special dance w/the bridal party (that she has no clue about), didn't attend the bachelorette party, <strong>invited people to the shower that I did not want there, because now they have to come  to the wedding.</strong> Just picked up her dress (its been in since Feb) and now alterations need to be rushed. We've been trying to keep the bridal party in the loop about everything but shes always unavailable because of work or something (at the last minute)  It's been a complete nightmare.  Do I just have to suck it up and keep her in the wedding? Or would it be rude flat out ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding? I have no idea what to do. What if she can't attend the rehearsal dinner or the other stuff we have planned over the next month? 
    Posted by CareyH210[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto PP's on nixing the "special dance" with the bridal party... No one wants to sit through watching that nor will your bridal party want to do it. Even if they've agreed so far, they are all cringing inside. Seriously.</div><div>
    </div><div>To the bolded: What are you talking about? You said she hasn't attended any pre-wedding functions, but this contradicts that. Unless you're saying she invited people you didn't want and who are not invited to your wedding and then didn't show up herself. Which, really doesn't make any sense. If said "unwanted" people did show up at your shower, how do you know she's responsible for that? And why do you think you have to invite them to your wedding? </div><div>
    </div><div>I think you are being unreasonable. Your expectations seem out of whack and I think you are just trying to line up a bunch of excuses to justify wanting to kick her out of your wedding. Take a step back and breathe. If you kick her out you will be ending your friendship. Do you want that? </div><div>
    </div><div>She really hasn't done anything but drag her feet on getting her dress handled and having a life outside your wedding planning which caused her to miss your bachelorette party -which isn't mandatory, get over it. But it seems she has her dress now and still has a month to get it altered... let her deal with it and stop stressing over things that are out of your control. If she doesn't show up to the wedding, then you can be mad.</div><div>
    </div><div>And may I point out that friends with busy schedules are not bad friends. Not to mention, <u>THIS</u> is the reason you don't set your expectations so high for your bridal party! Extra meetings to rehearse "special dances" and attendance at multiple pre-wedding parties are not necessary. You can't be upset with your friends for not being available at your beck and call. Slow your roll and you will not be so disappointed and stressed.</div><div>
    </div>

    Anniversary
  • I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right.

    I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later.

    If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. </strong>I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]
    Nope, incorrect.  This is terrible advice.



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, <strong>your wedding, your day, do what you want</strong>. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. <strong>If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl.</strong> Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This advice is complete garbage. The bolded statements ooze entitlement and snottiness. I repeat, your BMs are not puppets for you to play with whenever you choose. </div><div>
    </div><div>It is no longer YOUR wedding day when you start to include others in the festivities. Unless you're running away and eloping with you FI then it no longer is just about you.

    </div><div>Oh sure, have a pow-wow with the other girls and confront her about her lack of involvement. I bet that's going to turn out REAL WELL. (Note the sarcasm) Honestly, people these days need to get it out of their heads that they can treat their family and friends so poorly for the sake of one day and then expect everything to go back to normal afterwards. This midset is so delusional.</div><div>
    </div><div>Leave. Her. Alone. Drop the dance, it's a terrible idea. Let her get the dress altered on her own time and make sure she knows when and where to be for pictures. If she doesn't have the dress altered by the wedding, she removes herself from the wedding. Do not and I repeat do NOT kick her out.</div>
  • Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. <strong>If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"</strong>
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Are you suggesting that she and the other bridesmaids gang up on her? That doesn't sound like a good idea at all! If I was this bridesmaid I'd be insulted and humiliated by this.</div><div>
    </div><div>And, a true friend (referring to the BRIDE) wouldn't make such demands, put her on the spot, and then expect that things will eventually be "back to normal" after treating someone, she thought enough of to include in her bridal party in the first place, so rudely. </div><div>
    </div><div>Seriously not understanding your viewpoint on this portion at all. 

    </div>

    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]

    Every single line of this is awful advice. OP, please dont listen to this. I agree with PPs...nix the bridal party dance. Its corny & nobody wants to sit thru that. & get over the issues with the BM. All she has to do is show up on time, sober & in her dress.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I cringe just thinking about bridal party dances.

    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Lets play a round of "one of these things is not like the other"

    There are plenty of posts above.  Which ONE post is the opposite of everyone else.  Please do not follow her bad advice.

    There is no law or rule requiring BMs to do anything except purchase a dress and stand by your side.  

    If you kick her out, you are at super high risk (meaning at least 99% risk) of ending the friendship.  Is that something you are ok with, or would that make you sad?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:1a1449d9-2539-414a-a969-94b6dd2db6aa">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I cringe just thinking about bridal party dances.
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.  It's awkward watching them, and I think if I was ever asked to participate in one, I would outright refuse.  They're creepy!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>This is an Etiquette board. There is an understanding that if you give advice, you are giving advice based on PROPER ETIQUETTE. Please spend more time lurking here and posting on less sensitive matters before you start handing out advice. </div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would want to stay in the dark too about the bridal party dance.  I went to a wedding that had a self-choreographed bridal party dance and I seriously was laughing out of embarassment for the girls.  It was highly uncomfortable to watch.  Do not put your friends and your guests through this.  Also, these self-choreographed dances just scream AW to me.

    All a BM has to do is buy the designated dress and show up on your wedding day sober and looking good for pictures.  That is it.  Everything else is just icing on the cake.  So, no, you should not kick her out because she has done nothing wrong.

    Hlvonb - that was horrible advice.  The ceremony is about the bride and groom but the rest of the day is about the guests and the couple should do everything in their power to make sure their guests are comfortable and happy...that also includes their wedding party.  The OP does not have anything to talk to her friend about because her friend has done nothing wrong.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:db3f8efe-c51f-4531-9553-8daffba866bd">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid : Agreed.  It's awkward watching them, and I think if I was ever asked to participate in one, I would outright refuse.  They're creepy!
    Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agree as well.  I saw where someone said that everyone remembers her sister's "fondly".  I doubt it.  They were all the rage for a few years and they always look awkward to me.  Dancing is one of those things that a lot of people believe they are good at when they aren't.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]

    Oh, Lord.  Seriously?  You can bet if a "friend" of mine ever rounded up her other friends to discuss whether I was a good enough bridesmaid and then confronted me on my "behavior" (God forbid I let my JOB overshadow your dance rehearsals) we would never get "back to normal"

    OP - take a chill pill.  You know that dress alterations are not required, right?  When was the last time you altered a dress you bought off the rack?  Never? Oh right, that's because most people don't.  She has the dress, as long as she shows up on your wedding day she has fulfilled her duties.
  • Wow, lots of hating on special bridal party dances.  Now, I'm not actually having one myself, and have never actually been to a wedding that had one, but if the bride thinks its cool and the bridesmaids are willing (whether willing while gritting their teeth or actually excited and willing), why should we tell OP not to do it?  They could all be professional dancers and it could be awesome.  I'm sure the bride is taking into account people's dancing skills and whether or not it will look tacky. 

    That being said, OP you can't kick out a bridesmaid once you've asked for the things that you have listed she has done.  She hasn't slept with your fiance, she hasn't tried to kill you, she just hasn't done the optional things that some bridesmaids do.  She isn't out of line at all, but you will be if you kick her out. 

  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2013
    I don't see anything wrong with a bridal party dance. I've been in one and have been the spectator to one. I thought it was really cute. When I participated, there were some girls that weren't too thrilled abou the idea, but later admitted that the extra bonding time while practicing the dance made it worth it. And as a guest at a wedding I really appreciated watching the dance. That being said, bridal party dances are not for everyone. Some people enjoy doing them while others don't. I would give her the option to participate. If she feels uncomfortable with the dance, allow her to back out of it. 

    In regards to her "bridesmaid duties", she really is only required to get the dress. However, I know some people really enjoy the extra bonding time associated with having a bridal paryt and being part of it. Rather than kicking her out, I suggest having a luncheon with the just of two you to discuss her well-being with no mention of the wedding. For all you know, she may have some personal things going on. Ask how she's doing and show that you really do care about her well-being and what's going on in her life as opposed to just being a member of a bridal party. If she does express that something is wrong, you can say you understand, offer her support, and express that if she feels the need to step down to take care of personal matters there wouldn't be any hard feelings. Make it about her as opposed to making it all about you so it seems like you care. If she accepts the offer to bow out because of personal issues, remind her that you are still friends and you will support her no matter what. If she doesn't see the need to step down, lower your expectations a bit, by not requiring any activities. 

    But keep in mind that since your wedding is only a month away, she may not even see the point in backing out even if she needed to since she already came so far and bought her dress. Just try to lower your expectations bit, savor all that your girls have done, and prepare for a fabulous wedding day. 
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:8c699bfd-3506-4490-869b-6054516820f3">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see anything wrong with a bridal party dance. I've been in one and have been the spectator to one. I thought it was really cute. When I participated, there were some girls that weren't too thrilled abou the idea, but later admitted that the extra bonding time while practicing the dance made it worth it. And as a guest at a wedding I really appreciated watching the dance. That being said, bridal party dances are not for everyone. Some people enjoy doing them while others don't. I would give her the option to participate. If she feels uncomfortable with the dance, allow her to back out of it.  In regards to her "bridesmaid duties", she really is only required to get the dress. However, I know some people really enjoy the extra bonding time associated with having a bridal paryt and being part of it. Rather than kicking her out, I suggest having a luncheon with the just of two you to discuss her well-being with no mention of the wedding. For all you know, she may have some personal things going on. Ask how she's doing and show that you really do care about her well-being and what's going on in her life as opposed to just being a member of a bridal party. If she does express that something is wrong, you can say you understand, offer her support, and express that if she feels the need to step down to take care of personal matters there wouldn't be any hard feelings. <strong>Make it about her as opposed to making it all about you so it seems like you care</strong>. If she accepts the offer to bow out because of personal issues, remind her that you are still friends and you will support her no matter what. If she doesn't see the need to step down, lower your expectations a bit, by not requiring any activities.  But keep in mind that since your wedding is only a month away, she may not even see the point in backing out even if she needed to since she already came so far and bought her dress. Just try to lower your expectations bit, savor all that your girls have done, and prepare for a fabulous wedding day. 
    Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

    Perhaps not your intention, but this line really rubbed me the wrong way.  By saying "so it seems like you care"; she's not supposed to really care, but do it so that the BM will now bend to her wishes.

    If she is a good enough friend to be asked to be a BM, then she is a good enough friend that she should really care, not just seem like it.

     

  • TerriHuggTerriHugg member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:078ea76d-8635-457e-833f-d6fd18880c02">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid : Perhaps not your intention, but this line really rubbed me the wrong way.  By saying "so it seems like you care"; she's not supposed to really care, but do it so that the BM will now bend to her wishes. If she is a good enough friend to be asked to be a BM, then she is a good enough friend that she should really care, not just seem like it.
    Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I see your point. totally not what I meant. I'll rephrase and say "so she KNOWS you care" </div><div>
    </div><div>Is that acceptable to you? </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:01fc9601-c82c-4608-991e-c5ae5e801fbd">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid : I see your point. totally not what I meant. I'll rephrase and say "so she KNOWS you care"  Is that acceptable to you? 
    Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

    That's better phrasing, but it doesn't have to be <em>acceptable to me</em>; your intent was unclear and misleading, that's all.

     

  • I got my bridesmaid dress altered 4 days before my brothers wedding
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:304992be-ab92-4d77-aa0a-f37f3bc16c97">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont see an issue with asking her to step down if you talk to her about it and she doesnt change. I unfortunately had to do that with one of my bridesmaids. I can not say for sure if you have a right to be upset with her or not... that is for you to decide. All I can say is did she know what you were expecting when you asked her to be a bridesmaid (as in did you tell her) or not (as in you assumed she should know). if you did NOT come right out and tell her what was expected then no you can not be very upset with her (if at all). If you did then yes you have the right. I know most people do not like the dance idea but again, your wedding, your day, do what you want. You dont want to look back and wish you did something you didnt do. The worst that will come from the dance is that you get a few good laughs from it years to come. My sister did a dance and people remember it fondly 7 years later. If all the other girls are on board with what you want then maybe ask them to come together and make a decision (as a group you included) about the other girl. Otherwise make that choice on your own. If she's a true friend she will understand. Things may be weird for a little while but then you both will move on from that event and be "back to normal"
    Posted by hlvonb[/QUOTE]

    Lol, whut?

    1.)  You don't 'ask someone to step down' from something like this.  That's like your boss asking you to step down from your job, or your BF asking you to step down from living together.  It's hurtful, and publically humiliating. 

    2.) Polling your group of girls to vote someone out of the group?  Sounds like awesome highschool fun!!!  Everyone will sure think OP is suuuuper popular then.  Maybe she can get to be prom queen or something.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • Thank you guys for all your advice! As for the dance, its not really one of those bridal party dances you see in youtube videos. I should say its more of the bridal party announcement/entrance into the reception. Each couple has something planned out that they want to do during the song.  Since she hasn't even really met her guy, they don't have anything planned out. 

    I'm going to keep her in, just smile and enjoy the day. You guys are right its nothing to stress over and she just needs to show up to the wedding. I think that being a month away and having so much to do yet is just getting to me and I'm over analyzing everything. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:577af1bc-f55c-43c8-9b14-dd178f5069d2">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you guys for all your advice! As for the dance, its not really one of those bridal party dances you see in youtube videos. I should say its more of the bridal party announcement/entrance into the reception. Each couple has something planned out that they want to do during the song.  Since she hasn't even really met her guy, they don't have anything planned out.  <strong>I'm going to keep her in, just smile and enjoy the day. You guys are right its nothing to stress over and she just needs to show up to the wedding. I think that being a month away and having so much to do yet is just getting to me and I'm over analyzing everything. </strong>
    Posted by CareyH210[/QUOTE]

    <div>Good call OP! </div><div>
    </div><div>I think its great that you came here to vent and ask for advice. That is truly what these boards are for and I'm glad that we could help talk you off the ledge. </div><div>
    </div><div>You are right on track and knowing that you just need to focus on your tasks instead of stressing over things you can't control, like your bridesmaids, is a big step. Just remember that she's your friend and she'll be there for you. </div><div>
    </div><div>As far as over analyzing everything, welcome to the home stretch of wedding planning... you are surely not the first and only bride-to-be to stress and over analyze at this stage in the game. Come to think of it, I'm on the brink at 52 days out myself :)</div>

    Anniversary
  • I applaud you OP! I know you're under a lot of stress right now. I hope your wedding goes off without a hitch and is beautiful. Share some pictures with us when you get them!
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What if she doesn't want to plan something out, just walk in normally?



  • Hello everyone. I wish I would have seen this sooner. I apologize if anyone was upset or offended at the post that was posted by "me". I say "me" in quotes because I allowed my friend who's mother is big on wedding etiquette to reply to this post. I made the foolish assumption of thinking that she would have posted some sound and decent advice and that I would not have to review what she posted. I came on here to just see what others had posted as well and I just now saw what was said. I personally do NOT condone and would NOT recoommend asking anyone to leave the bridal party unless they did something sever such as sleeping with the fiance, etc. 

    Again my apologies. :(
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ee5c6781-9201-4bd6-8fa9-3f72a87622b7Post:e8d4086c-8d91-4281-affb-7cf9bb0e4326">Re: Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, lots of hating on special bridal party dances.  Now, I'm not actually having one myself, and have never actually been to a wedding that had one, but if the bride thinks its cool and the bridesmaids are willing (whether willing while gritting their teeth or actually excited and willing), why should we tell OP not to do it?  <strong>They could all be professional dancers </strong>and it could be awesome.  I'm sure the bride is taking into account people's dancing skills and whether or not it will look tacky.  That being said, OP you can't kick out a bridesmaid once you've asked for the things that you have listed she has done.  She hasn't slept with your fiance, she hasn't tried to kill you, she just hasn't done the optional things that some bridesmaids do.  She isn't out of line at all, but you will be if you kick her out. 
    Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

    I am a professional dancer as are half of my bridal party and I guarantee there will not be a bridal party dance!  They are just not cute as adults.  Maybe if we were all 12 it would be fun to watch, but as 30 year old adults, I think not.  "Good" or not, not needed at a wedding reception!
    image

    Anniversary
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