RSVP stamp etiquette (formerly Rude invite vent)

aurianna

Disclaimer: We're sending a nice, normal, non-passive agressive gift... but if we weren't:

First off, an invite that is sent three months out and doesn't have an RSVP by date... B-listing red flag? Or could go either way?

Anyway, we got an invite yesterday and it's nice enough, but the RSVP envelope didn't have a stamp (and it wasn't a mistake because my SIL actually emailed me, asking if my invite had one since the ones sent to her and my MIL did not either).

So I happily put on my judgy pants for a few minutes while I dug around in various drawers to find postage... and then I thought...

If I were to send a gift, which would be better:

A normal present with a book of stamps tucked into the box

or a check for $99.54?

I think the check would be more elegant.

(I figure if a missing stamp is enough to complain about, my life is pretty darn good. So yay perspective).

lyndausvi

Postage is not a requirement for RSVPs.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:9f6f579e-8391-4e26-9d9f-3ad840b5907d">Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Disclaimer: We're sending a nice, normal, non-passive agressive gift... but if we weren't: First off, an invite that is sent three months out and doesn't have an RSVP by date... B-listing red flag? Or could go either way? Anyway, we got an invite yesterday and it's nice enough, but the RSVP envelope didn't have a stamp (and it wasn't a mistake because my SIL actually emailed me, asking if my invite had one since the ones sent to her and my MIL did not either). So I happily put on my judgy pants for a few minutes while I dug around in various drawers to find postage... and then I thought... If I were to send a gift, which would be better: A normal present with a book of stamps tucked into the box or a check for $99.54? I think the check would be more elegant. (I figure if a missing stamp is enough to complain about, my life is pretty darn good. So yay perspective).
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

You are seriously getting this worked up over 46 cents??  I agree that it is rude to not include postage on an RSVP envelope but come on.

As for the no RSVP date, hw in the world is that an indication of a B-list?  It is nothing more than one big mess down the line for the hosts. 

aurianna

My thought was no RSVP date means they can reuse the same invites no matter when they mail them. Just a thought.

Oh I'm totally aware it's a silly thing to get worked up on. I have a lot of "first-world" problems.

I had thought postage on RSVP cards was a must unless you provided another way to RSVP besides mailing. I learn a lot of things here.

lyndausvi

In some circles RSVP cards are rude.   Back in the day people just RSVP'd using their own stationary.  Giving them an RSVP card implies they do not know how to RSVP.    RSVP cards are really just a courtesy to make things easier for guests and the hosts.  They are not required at all. 

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:cdb882e9-220b-4574-8ae9-0af8bf533b4b">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In some circles RSVP cards are rude.   Back in the day people just RSVP'd using their own stationary.  Giving them an RSVP card implies they do not know how to RSVP.    RSVP cards are really just a courtesy to make things easier for guests and the hosts.  They are not required at all. 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

That's very interesting.
The wedding industry had me fooled. Happens a lot.

lyndausvi

I'll admit I would be surprised or taken back if there was not postage, but not find it rude.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:cdb882e9-220b-4574-8ae9-0af8bf533b4b">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In some circles RSVP cards are rude.   Back in the day people just RSVP'd using their own stationary.  Giving them an RSVP card implies they do not know how to RSVP.    RSVP cards are really just a courtesy to make things easier for guests and the hosts.  They are not required at all. 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
Yup, and in parts of Europe like Ireland and England where my FILS are from, they expect neither an RSVP card nor any postage.  When I asked them about it they said guests typically respond on their own.  Also, I just helped a bride on the AA board figure out her RSVP date, and due to her venue for some strange reason wanting her final head count almost 30 days beforehand, she must send her invites out at least 3 months early.   That is the only way she will have time to account for late stragglers, grace period before follow-up calls, Return to Sender issues, etc., before giving the most accurate count possible to her venue.  It may have simply been an oversight on the couple's part to exclude the date.  The Invites and Paper board has all kinds of stories from people who make those kinds of mistakes.

lilphillips14

This is good info! I totally thought postage on RSVP cards was a requirement. Not that I won't do my best to provide postage to each of my guests as a courtesy, but it's refreshing that I won't be considered totally rude if I don't. Also, I didn't know RSVP cards weren't necessary either. Interesting!

aurianna

I just got the email from my SIL so it made it fresh.

Apparently my MIL, SIL and I are all just a little judgy this week. thanks for the perspective!

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:0ec29ac7-88c0-4550-bc71-4f3912b8a8ff">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]This is good info! I totally thought postage on RSVP cards was a requirement. Not that I won't do my best to provide postage to each of my guests as a courtesy, but it's refreshing that I won't be considered totally rude if I don't. Also, I didn't know RSVP cards weren't necessary either. Interesting!
Posted by lilphillips14[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, more than likely your social group will expect them and not know what to do without one.  Mostly because we are a generation that has always seen them.   For your own sanity you might want to send them.</div>

lilphillips14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:da411520-0d89-442f-937f-c496fa18f5b1">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : Well, more than likely your social group will expect them and not know what to do without one.  Mostly because we are a generation that has always seen them.   For your own sanity you might want to send them.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Oh I'll probably send them since I'd planned on it anyway, but I was just in awe that they weren't required! Curiously, is it against etiquette to simply have people RSVP by phone and/or email and therefore not require the card? I saw it as a possibility on Emily Post's website the other day. Just curious, not meaning to hijack the thread!

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:a552afb2-cc00-4b55-9759-503d3d57894b">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : Oh I'll probably send them since I'd planned on it anyway, but I was just in awe that they weren't required! Curiously, is it against etiquette to simply have people RSVP by phone and/or email and therefore not require the card? I saw it as a possibility on Emily Post's website the other day. Just curious, not meaning to hijack the thread!
Posted by lilphillips14[/QUOTE]
I don't bellieve it's against etiquette.  But many brides still prefer the more formal way of returning RSVP cards through the mail while using phone or email as a backup plan. And some brides like the feeling of running to the mailbox and seeing what people wrote on the card.  But it's mostly a matter of preference.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:a552afb2-cc00-4b55-9759-503d3d57894b">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : Oh I'll probably send them since I'd planned on it anyway, but I was just in awe that they weren't required! Curiously, is it against etiquette to simply have people RSVP by phone and/or email and therefore not require the card? I saw it as a possibility on Emily Post's website the other day. Just curious, not meaning to hijack the thread!
Posted by lilphillips14[/QUOTE]

<div>Personally I think you should have the card (no postage), but give them the option to phone or email also.  That way people who are not as tech savvy have the traditional option.     I also suggest creating a wedding email address. That way RSVPs or just general wedding questions  do not get mixed up in your inbox or worse yet junk mail.     We did that and I found it helpful.</div>

[Deleted User]

If I got an invite with no RSVP date I would have been like "oops, guess they forgot to review their invites for important information before sending them out."

For the stamps, I actually thought it was proper etiquette to put a stamp for your guests on their RSVP envelope, just like addressing it. But even if it isn't, its nice for the guests because it makes it easier for the guests to respond because a lot of people don't have stamps at home anymore because of paying bills online.

MuppetFan

I've been getting some the past few years that had no stamp. The only reason this would annoy me is that I don't use stamps often and don't always have them at home. I work during PO hours and the grocery store only sells them in books. Otherwise, I don't care.

In discussion with one of them, she said she didn't do stamps because for her sister's wedding, everyone told her verbally, by facebook, or by e-mail and she wasted all the money on stamps.

MrsMack10612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:145d177c-deaa-438f-bab1-ee73c8a79134">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : Yup, and <strong>in parts of Europe like Ireland and England where my FILS are from, they expect neither an RSVP card nor any postage.</strong>  When I asked them about it they said guests typically respond on their own.  Also, I just helped a bride on the AA board figure out her RSVP date, and due to her venue for some strange reason wanting her final head count almost 30 days beforehand, she must send her invites out at least 3 months early.   That is the only way she will have time to account for late stragglers, grace period before follow-up calls, Return to Sender issues, etc., before giving the most accurate count possible to her venue.  It may have simply been an oversight on the couple's part to exclude the date.  The Invites and Paper board has all kinds of stories from people who make those kinds of mistakes.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]

I didn't know this.  We have a friend who we invited from England and included an International Postage Voucher from the USPS that he could take to his local PO to return the reply card.  Sadly, he didn't come nor did he return the card.  Maybe this is why :)

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:8e211b68-aa2e-486d-b674-1593ce47744e">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : I didn't know this.  We have a friend who we invited from England and included an International Postage Voucher from the USPS that he could take to his local PO to return the reply card.  Sadly, he didn't come nor did he return the card.  Maybe this is why :)
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]
That's definitely possible.  I was speaking to my FILS on Skype and by their tone of voice and facial expressions they seemed very amused at the idea that we Americans include the RSVP card and postage as though people can't figure out how to let you know if they're coming or not.  They thought it was completely unnecessary.  I was all set to do what you did with an International Postage Voucher until they said please don't.

nicoleandersonmd

In Response to Re:Rude invite vent:[QUOTE]I've been getting some the past few years that had no stamp. The only reason this would annoy me is that I don't use stamps often and don't always have them at home. I work during PO hours and the grocery store only sells them in books. Otherwise, I don't care.In discussion with one of them, she said she didn't do stamps because for her sister's wedding, everyone told her verbally, by facebook, or by email and she wasted all the money on stamps. Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

I spent about 100 on stamps for JUST the RSVP envelopes. I received very few RSVPs back about 8 worth of stamps. Haha. Everyone else called me or told me face to face. Sigh, 92 wasted.

nicoleandersonmd

QUOTE I spent about 100 on stamps for JUST the RSVP envelopes. I received very few RSVPs back about 8 worth of stamps. Haha. Everyone else called me or told me face to face. Sigh, 92 wasted. Posted by nicoleandersonmd[/QUOTE] The numbers all had dollar signs in frontI don't know where they went....

Ophelia0326

As for international postage, I've heard that you just leave it with no postage and then they will stamp it themselves - as most people do not expect you to find an international postage voucher or Canadian (in my case) stamps.

A PP up there is correct - it's not ettiquettely necessary, but it saves YOU a lot of trouble because people will be more likely to mail it if there is already a stamp there. We're that lazy.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:379033db-7b91-4a05-833f-1e554ced5de1">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]As for international postage, I've heard that you just leave it with no postage and then they will stamp it themselves - as most people do not expect you to find an international postage voucher or Canadian (in my case) stamps. A PP up there is correct - it's not ettiquettely necessary, but it saves YOU a lot of trouble because people will be more likely to mail it if there is already a stamp there. We're that lazy.
Posted by Ophelia0326[/QUOTE]

<div>We have 4 people from Japan on our list (friends of my Dad's), and he told us just to not even send an RSVP card.  He's going to tell them just to email him their response.  Sounds good to me!  Otherwise, I'm stamping all the RSVP cards.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

CALEO

I think if you want your guest to return your rsvp card, it's rude (maybe tacky?) not to provide a stamp.  You're asking them to do something that requires a stamp.  Provide it.

SomethingBeautiful08

I had one person on my list from Canada.  I really didn't want to track down the postage so while I included the RSVP card, I also wrote an note to them that if they found it easier they could email or call me.  They ended up sending an email which worked well.  I did have to send their invite and thank you note seperately due to the postage.

lilphillips14

I think the only thing that might keep me from sending RSVP cards with stamps is that we're having a small-ish wedding of about 75-80 people, the majority of which will probably just call me, FI or our parents to tell them whether they're coming or not whether they get a RSVP card to send back, so it would probably be a waste. The majority are VIPs like parents, grandparents, close aunts and uncles and BP members who we already know are coming anyway. Hm. 

Otherwise, I think RSVP cards and stamps would probably be the best way to keep things organized, especially for a larger wedding.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:c2705b22-d64f-455a-9995-9cb143fb3c2d">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if you want your guest to return your rsvp card, it's rude (maybe tacky?) not to provide a stamp.  You're asking them to do something that requires a stamp.  Provide it.
Posted by CALEO[/QUOTE]

<div>The thing is you don't have to send back the RSVP card back at all.  You can just call, email, tell them in person or send a note on your own stationary.  As long as you RSVP by the time requested it's completely up to you how you respond.  The RSVP card just make it easier for some people.</div>

libby2483

I think that RSVP cards should include a stamp, but it's not something I would get worked up about if someone didn't do it.

CALEO

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:6579e67a-0bf5-4304-ab5d-6589bb3ee377">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : The thing is you don't have to send back the RSVP card back at all.  You can just call, email, tell them in person or send a note on your own stationary.  As long as you RSVP by the time requested it's completely up to you how you respond.  The RSVP card just make it easier for some people.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

From my experience, RSVP cards usually have more info that just coming or not (kids, allergies, shuttles, food choices, etc etc etc).  It would be difficult for the B and G to manage 100 phone calls with all that information.  Not only are they providing the response card as a nice thing for their guests (ease of responding) but it is also a planning tool that is useful for them.  I haven't done RSVPs yet - but in the weddings where I've been a bridesmaid, the girls have always been annoyed/bothered when someone doesn't send back the RSVP card because they usually had to hunt down more info that the person didn't provide with simple - yes, we'll be there email.

I guess that is where I'm coming from - if the bride and groom would like people to use the RSVP card, they should provide postage.

Maybe rude is the wrong word - but I think it is tacky that someone is hosting a wedding and couldn't be bothered to put 46 cents on the envelope for the RSVP card.

AmJam04

I do agree with PPs that the reaction given in OP was a bit extreme... but for what it's worth, I thought the $99.54 check was pretty funny. :P

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-invite-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f022e728-b1d5-4476-947b-6684ec5be0e3Post:0c1d60bd-e245-4f6f-a9ed-433922fe2fb7">Re: Rude invite vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude invite vent : From my experience, RSVP cards usually have more info that just coming or not (kids, allergies, shuttles, food choices, etc etc etc).  It would be difficult for the B and G to manage 100 phone calls with all that information.  Not only are they providing the response card as a nice thing for their guests (ease of responding) but it is also a planning tool that is useful for them.  I haven't done RSVPs yet - but in the weddings where I've been a bridesmaid, the girls have always been annoyed/bothered when someone doesn't send back the RSVP card because they usually had to hunt down more info that the person didn't provide with simple - yes, we'll be there email. I guess that is where I'm coming from - if the bride and groom would like people to use the RSVP card, they should provide postage. Maybe rude is the wrong word - but I think it is tacky that someone is hosting a wedding and couldn't be bothered to put 46 cents on the envelope for the RSVP card.
Posted by CALEO[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well from a practical standpoint sending out a RSVP make sense for a lot of couples.  However, the fact still stands they are not a requirement and really just a helpful tool.

</div>

swimmy1988

Maybe I made a boo boo but I didn't provide stamps on my rsvp envelopes.
I indicated to my guests they could call or rsvp through our website if they didn't want to send the card back.

Fi and I live around his family, so I knew they'd tell me in person or by phone if they were coming. His dad actually requested that we don't mail his invitation to him as we see him often enough that we could hand deliver it.
As for my family, I knew most of them are most likely to pick up the phone and call either myself or my mother, and that's exactly what happened so far.

IMHO I don't think 46 cents is anything to get worked up over.