Engagement Party INSTEAD OF Bridal Shower?

Goose29

Hi,

We finally managed to plan our engagement party, which I had envisioned as a Jack and Jill-type shower because I really do not want a bridal shower (4 hours of people watching me open gifts? No thanks--plus, I hate surprises). What's a good way to address the registry thing on the invitations (if at all) and how do I deal with female family members who insist on a bridal shower? For the record, I've talked to them about this several times before and calmly explained my reasoning (hate people staring at me, hate surprises, hate all the focus on the bride and none on the groom, it's his wedding too), but my sister still insists that she wants to throw me a bridal shower.

Thanks for any input

AddieCake

Goose29 said:

Hi,

We finally managed to plan our engagement party, which I had envisioned as a Jack and Jill-type shower because I really do not want a bridal shower (4 hours of people watching me open gifts? No thanks--plus, I hate surprises). What's a good way to address the registry thing on the invitations (if at all) and how do I deal with female family members who insist on a bridal shower? For the record, I've talked to them about this several times before and calmly explained my reasoning (hate people staring at me, hate surprises, hate all the focus on the bride and none on the groom, it's his wedding too), but my sister still insists that she wants to throw me a bridal shower.

Thanks for any input

You planned your own engagement party?  That's not really appropriate; parties are thrown FOR you, not BY you for weddings. You shouldn't provide people with registry info for an engagement party. Why should anyone buy you a gift b/c you got engaged?  They will buy you a gift for the wedding. Nobody can insist on throwing you a party if you refuse to attend it. 

Goose29

Well, when I said "we," I meant my parents, future parents-in-law, sister, and I--we'd been trying to coordinate dates, that's all, since we all live in different states... Technically my sister (MOH) would be the host, but she's in college taking finals and the party is in about a month so I'm trying to help where I can (especially since I'm an event planner by trade). Hope that clarifies. 

And like I said--I had wanted the engagement party to replace the bridal shower, because I want it to focus on both me and my fiance rather than just me. It seems wrong that all the focus is on the bride--it's his wedding too! 

Anything I've seen has said NOT to include registry information on engagement party invitations because it's bad form, but to put it in bridal shower invitations is fine. But since I'm not having a bridal shower (if I have anything to say about it), I wasn't sure if it would be acceptable to put the info on these invitations, especially if we called it a couples shower or whatever the proper term is.

misshart00

Agree with PP. Bridal showers and engagement parties aren't really interchangeable. I know you don't like attention, but if one of your main reasons for not having a shower is because the groom won't be there, you could suggest a coed shower.

lisabeats

Goose29 said:

Well, when I said "we," I meant my parents, future parents-in-law, sister, and I--we'd been trying to coordinate dates, that's all, since we all live in different states... Technically my sister (MOH) would be the host, but she's in college taking finals and the party is in about a month so I'm trying to help where I can (especially since I'm an event planner by trade). Hope that clarifies. 

And like I said--I had wanted the engagement party to replace the bridal shower, because I want it to focus on both me and my fiance rather than just me. It seems wrong that all the focus is on the bride--it's his wedding too! 

Anything I've seen has said NOT to include registry information on engagement party invitations because it's bad form, but to put it in bridal shower invitations is fine. But since I'm not having a bridal shower (if I have anything to say about it), I wasn't sure if it would be acceptable to put the info on these invitations, especially if we called it a couples shower or whatever the proper term is.

Well, is it an engagement party, or a couples shower? There is a difference, and the guidelines for registries vary between them.

EP = no registry. Not thrown by you, obviously you can help pick a date so you can be there No major discussion of wedding stuff, it should be held early on, just celebrating the proposal itself. These are very social, not as formalized like a couples shower where there's still gift opening.

Couples shower = registry info okay. The focus is still going to be on you, just slightly shared with FI.

Goose29

Why the requirement to open gifts at the shower? I've been to showers and it's dreadfully boring except when they're opening your gift. Plus, this party is going to be outside at a park so logistically that seems a bit dicey. 

Has anyone ever done a shower where they didn't open the gifts during the event? 

[Deleted User]

Goose29 said:

Why the requirement to open gifts at the shower? I've been to showers and it's dreadfully boring except when they're opening your gift. Plus, this party is going to be outside at a park so logistically that seems a bit dicey. 

Has anyone ever done a shower where they didn't open the gifts during the event? 

No and that's goign to be a very unpopular idea.  A shower is meant as a gift-giving event.  I would be pretty disappointed if I showed up to a shower and the bride couldn't even take the time to open my gift.  Yes, it often drags on for a while, but this is what happens at a shower.  If you don't want a shower, I think idea of an engagement party sounds very nice.  But there should be no registry info involved.

lisabeats

Oh the horse!

A shower is an event specifically designed to SHOWER the honoree with gifts. It is the true, and dare I say "sole" purpose of it. To not open gifts when people attended specifically to give you that gift, can be seen as rude. Essentially it's like saying "Hey! You're invited on this specific time and date and here is our registry info and thank you for coming and the gift you spent your time and hard earned money on to give me but I can't be bothered to open it and share my excitement and gratitude for it right now, so lemme get back to ya on that"

misshart00

Not the horse again.

I agree with Lisa. You can always decline these parties, but you can't have your shower and not open gifts since its the whole point. You could always just have a bridal lunch or something. But you also don't include registry info on those either.

daveANDkristen

I have to agree - if you call something a shower, it is fine to include registry info but you should absolutely open your gifts at the shower.  If you don't want a shower, have an EP and don't include registry info (besides, if someone wants to buy you a gift they can easily find any registries you have with a quick Google search).  If you are so bothered by attention, why would you want an EP either?  The focus will be on you (and your FI) in either case. 

AddieCake

WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!

Goose29

The point of the engagement party was so the focus would be on both of us rather than just me, and we're having it at a park so that there's really no one "focal point" of the day. Everybody mingles, plays frisbee, eats pizza, etc. Very informal. 

I personally would never be insulted that someone didn't open my gift at a party, but that's probably because I don't want to watch them open everyone else's gifts...so it's a trade-off.

But then what happens if some people bring gifts to the engagement party even if we didn't say anything about a registry? Do we still have to open them there, or will that make everyone who didn't bring one feel bad?

THIS IS TOO DARN COMPLICATED

BostonGIrl4732

AddieL73 said:

WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!

Can I post this though?

lisabeats

Goose29 said:

The point of the engagement party was so the focus would be on both of us rather than just me, and we're having it at a park so that there's really no one "focal point" of the day. Everybody mingles, plays frisbee, eats pizza, etc. Very informal. 

I personally would never be insulted that someone didn't open my gift at a party, but that's probably because I don't want to watch them open everyone else's gifts...so it's a trade-off.

But then what happens if some people bring gifts to the engagement party even if we didn't say anything about a registry? Do we still have to open them there, or will that make everyone who didn't bring one feel bad?

THIS IS TOO DARN COMPLICATED

Then it sounds like you are looking for more of a EP, which is fine! I wouldn't be surprised if you did receive some gifts at that type of party, but it will likely be more like bottles of wine/generic things. Do you have your wedding registry set up already? How far away from your wedding is this party, and from when you got engaged?

And to the last........ I know I could never elope, but dear lord, everyday I understand more and more why people do!

lisabeats

AddieL73 said:

WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!

Can I post this though?

Over and over and over and over again

daria24

I wonder if @KnotPorscha knows about the horse. Maybe she will let us beat it. THERE SHOULD BE A BADGE. 

[Deleted User]

What is this about a horse?!

Kate61487

bahahaha; I love the shower horse.  Was that with @knotjackie?  I know one of the KGs was in there with us.

OP - have your Eparty.  Don't put registry info on the invitations.  If people bring gifts you can ask them if they'd like you to open it right then or wait.  You don't have to have a big "ooo I'm opening a present" moment, but if they want you to open it you should (I personally like to see the reaction when a gift is opened).  Then just keep telling your sister "no thank you" for a future shower

d2va

From what I understand, an engagement party is to celebrate an engagement. Looks like you want to get "showered" with gifts at your engagement and thats very inappropriate in my honest opinion. 

Like the above posters said, if people give you gifts which will most likely be small gifts i.e. wine or some checks (maybe?) its out of the goodness of their hearts as they dont want to come empty handed. 

It is not a requirement to bring a gift to an engagement party, and if you were to include any type of registry information you would NEED to open the gifts there, and then it makes it a shower.

I dont really get what the big deal is. Have an engagement party. And let your MOH or your sister, whatever host a couples shower. 

artbyallie

Engagement parties are traditionally a party given by your parents to announce your engagement to everyone.  They are not gift giving occasions.  My daughter sisn't get one because we live so far away.
Showers are traditionally gift giving parties, usually for the bride, but not always.  They are given by friends or relatives.  The bride is the guest of honor, and has little say in planning the party except for the guest list.

This. If you don't want to open gifts, decline all offers of showers. If you do happen to get gifts at your e-party (which will likely mostly be cards and/or wine), you do not open them there because it is not technically a gift-giving occasion. If you do want gifts but don't want to open them in front of people, well, people will give gifts for the wedding. They will find your registry on their own or ask someone close to you about it.

AddieCake

@KnotPorscha Once upon a time, a dear, sweet Knottie told us she would not be opening gifts at her shower and had some.....unique....reasons for it. Some of us are baffled by it, and somehow, whenever she posts on any related topic, we manage to circle back to that. Jackie pretty much told us to hush about it b/c she was tired of us beating the dead horse. So now from time to time we joke around about the horse.

Peledreamsofrain

Shower = gifts.  If you want a party with gifts, its either your birthday, or a shower of some sort.

Also, there is no anti-male spray put down around the borders of showers.  Men won't die crossing onto 'hallowed shower ground". 

 

Throw a co-ed one, don't play the super girly games, and have fun.

 

 

winelover123

I'm staying away from the horse.

E-parties tend to not be gift giving events - most people did give gifts or cards at my engagement party, but we opened them later unless a person asked us to open it in front of them because it isn't a shower or a birthday party. A bridal shower and engagement party are not interchangeable. If you don't want a bridal shower, decline any offers.

STARMOON44

How long have you been engaged?  I think of these parties as held pretty close in time to the engagement, and showers as held pretty close to the wedding.  If you're close to the wedding and don't want any sort of shower, I'd veto an engagement party as well. The time for celebrating that has passed. People will celebrate the 2 of you at your wedding soon enough.