Wedding Etiquette Forum

People assuming they are invited?

Our ceremony/reception site is on the smaller side, so we are only able to invite immediate family and close friends (which is what we wanted anyway).  I have had several people who I have not been close with for a few years say things to me like "I'm so excited for your wedding", "Can't wait to see you in your dress", "Your wedding is going to be so much fun".  What is a good way to politely tell them that they are not invited to our wedding?  And why do people automatically assume they are invited to a wedding?!?

chaiteachickswimmingcarpCheleLyn
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Re: People assuming they are invited?

  • Change the subject. Its rude to tell people that they're not invited. Let them figure it out on their own.

    People automatically assume they're invited because weddings are fun and who doesn't like to have fun? They're excited, which is nice. But excited does not have to = invitation.

    swimmingcarp
  • To answer the second part of your question first, I have no idea, but they do, and it's freaking insane! A friend of mine posted an article to FB a few months ago about "how to tell your friends they're not invited to your wedding" and I thought, "why on EARTH would you do that, it's so RUDE!" Then I had half a dozen people ask me "Do I need to give you my address for the STDate card?" "I can't wait to see your wedding dress!" "I'm looking forward to the party at your wedding!" and these were all people FI and I weren't planning on inviting at all, ever. 

    I'm a big fan of just not saying anything directly, just say, "We don't have the guest list finalized yet," and change the subject. If you do send out STDate cards, and they don't get one, they'll make the connection that they weren't invited (and hopefully make the further leap of logic that it was rude of them to assume they were...). If not, you'll have to say, "Due to budget concerns*, we had to keep our wedding to just family and very close friends; I'm sure you understand."

    *I realize you said it's because of the ceremony/venue site you chose, but people tend to understand "it's a money issue" with fewer hurt feelings than "it's a space issue and we chose a small space just to exclude people."
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    swimmingcarp
  • Ditto PPs.  It's unfortunate that so many people assume they'll automatically be invited, but there's not really a polite way to tell them they aren't, so your best bet is to give a non-committal answer or change the topic all together.


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    NerdyLucy
  • Our friend is having this problem because they announced an open invite on facebook, then decided to send out individual facebook invitations because a few people commented on going that they didn't want there. True story.

    I haven't had anyone make assumptions really except one person assumed their kid was invited....but other than that...it's probably because I don't really talk about it with anyone that isn't invited. When it comes up, i say "it's a small reception near my parents house in October and then.....we're off to DISNEY" and focus on some things we're excited about for my honeymoon. Disney normally gets people to talk about their own Disney experiences and the topic quickly shifts.

    I think people mostly ask about my wedding, not looking for an invite, but because it's what's big in my life right now and they're actively interested for conversation sake.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

    NicoleMarcelle
  • I swear every freakin' time we go to FH's hometown, someone "invites" themselves to our wedding. It usually starts as FH introducing me as his fiancée and they ask when and where the wedding will be. FH has actually very good at, "We are thinking of November 2014" and not expanding beyond that for the date and saying that we haven't decided on the location. It is great that all these acquaintances of FH are happy for him/us but it annoys me to no end. We are trying to keep our guest list around 300 and right now we are around 400, with probably 130 of the guests my entire list, so we have some trimming to do.

    I know I have said to some people that I can't wait to see them in their dress, but I am not looking for an invite but more of just hoping someone will post a pic of the bride. I usually do it within the last few weeks before their wedding or if I know for a fact I will be invited, so no fishing for an invite could be implied.

    Like PPs said, it is best to change the subject or give vague answers to questions. Saying that the guest list isn't finalized or bean dip them is good.
    Them: I'm so excited for your wedding and can't wait to see your dress. What date is it so I can put it in my date book?
    You: We haven't finalized our guest list. Have you tried this dip? It is really good with pretzels.
    Them: You are always the life of the party and I can't wait to party at your wedding. Are you hiring a DJ or band? You: You should really try this dip. So tasty, I think it is even better with celery.
    Just keep changing the topic.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
    jendemeyer
  • I think money issues can also be hurtful because it's almost like you care more about the dollar value than your friendship. Just tell them that you wanted your wedding to be small and intimate with only family and your closest friends. I'm sure people are more likely to understand that. If I'm not in someone's inner circle but still friends, I wouldn't be offended if I wasn't invited especially if I knew their wedding was going to be small. Besides exchanging vows is a very personal thing and if you're the type of person to get stage fright, imagine getting all weepy in front of hundreds. Eeeek! So just play the small and intimate card and you're in the clear
    jendemeyer
  • Not to threadjack, but you know how people say to not talk about wedding to people who aren't invited-

    I have a couple coworkers- well, mostly one- who love talking about weddings, and ask about how wedding planning is going, etc. She dreams about hers and talks about her future wedding too, etc. (Total girl talk) My wedding is over a year away yet, and I probably won't even be working at this place a year from now.... Even if I was still working there at the time of the wedding, I probably would invite her, because I like her...but----to talk about the wedding or not to talk about the wedding (just to be safe)???

     

    I think it depends on the context, but if you plan on inviting whether or not you work there, you can talk to her about stuff. I would keep it to a minimum at work so others don't overhear but if you go for drinks after work or do lunch together, maybe do it during that time.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • My best advise is just what the ladies have suggested. I have the same problem and I have told many people, it is a small wedding, we are limiting our guest list to 50. Only immediate family and very few friends.

    There is usually an akward silence. And then change the subject.

    I know it is super hard because so many people give you this sort of puppy dog look.

    I don't get why people want to go to weddings of people they don't know that well either.

     

    NicoleMarcelle
  • Thank you for posting this!  I have had people coming out of the woodwork wanting to come to our destination wedding in Vegas.  People we haven't talked to in years!  And some old friends that haven't even met my FI (we've been together for 6.5 years if I haven't seen you in 6.5 years why do you think you are coming to our wedding?)  

    Thanks for letting me vent too ;)

    We have made it a point to not say anything on Facebook about it, that seems to be helping some.
    We had our dream wedding at Mirage on May 3, 2014! 
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    NicoleMarcelle
  • ally91ally91 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary

    Oddly enough, I'm having the exact opposite problem. We invited around 125 people to our wedding, and I was worried about this issue, but instead, it's looking like we will have a maximum of 60 guests (if we're lucky) and a ton of the people who aren't coming were my VIPs...

    I had prepared myself for the self-inviting guest though: Smile, "We haven't finalized the guest list yet, have you tried this bean dip?" thanks to the regs here for that one!

    Soon-to-be Mrs. Kent
  • bbbb78bbbb78 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    You could be extremely classy and do this:  http://www.today.com/style/youre-not-invited-alerts-new-wedding-trend-draws-criticism-1B8286599?franchiseSlug=stylemain

    or y'know do what everybody else is recommending because that would be my method too.
  • bbbb78 said:
    You could be extremely classy and do this:  http://www.today.com/style/youre-not-invited-alerts-new-wedding-trend-draws-criticism-1B8286599?franchiseSlug=stylemain

    or y'know do what everybody else is recommending because that would be my method too.
    I read about those a couple of months ago.  I mean, what the hell?   Who DOES that?

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  • I would just say "Actually we're keeping it really small  [insert topic change]"  If you give budget or even space as a reason people will start to justify ("oh I'll cover my plate", or "well when you get some declines I'll come!")
  • bbbb78 said:
    @NerdyLucy Regina George
    Maybe she'd send one to Gretchen Wieners.

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  • bbbb78bbbb78 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    @NerdyLucy

    NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS
    NerdyLucyFizzySipsswimmingcarpMicqs
  • A lot more common than I thought, we've had this same issue. I've found it easiest to smile and change the subject. What else can you do? They're not invited... I wouldn't confront it head on - there's no need for that. When they don't get a save the date or invitation, it'll be pretty obvious. 

    I also wouldn't open the "exception" flood gates just because someone invites themselves by saying things like, "Can't wait to see you walk down the aisle!" You've probably already spent quite a bit of time considering your budget, venue, and all the other things that go into creating a guest list. Unless it was mistake/oversight that they weren't on the list, stick to your plans...
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  • sdg2502sdg2502 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    ktbabe530 said:
    Thank you for posting this!  I have had people coming out of the woodwork wanting to come to our destination wedding in Vegas.  People we haven't talked to in years!  And some old friends that haven't even met my FI (we've been together for 6.5 years if I haven't seen you in 6.5 years why do you think you are coming to our wedding?)  

    Thanks for letting me vent too ;)

    We have made it a point to not say anything on Facebook about it, that seems to be helping some.
    I have a 'friend' I try and avoid as much as possible, especially since he totally overstays his welcome whenever he's in my house. He is absolutely NOT invited to my wedding and I hadn't seen him for about six months, but incredibly and seemingly by total coincidence, the day after discussing my vegas wedding plans with a mutual friend he started ringing my phone and then the day after that turned up at my door.  Luckily I was on my way out and I avoided any mention of the wedding.  We immediatly decided afterward to use the same tactic as you and not mention it at all on facebook. 

    We were at a wedding in March and were sitting at a table with a friend of a friend, who we see at parties but wouldn't invite to a party of our own.  We don't have each others numbers and aren't facebook friends.  After she'd drank rather a lot of wine, she asked about our wedding and said she couldn't wait.  My fiancee and I shared a stunned look then I diplomatically said we hadn't finalised the guest list.  She immediately replied 'Does that mean I'm not invited?'  which we tried to laugh off and change the subject.  Not long afterwards, the groom was making his speech and proposed a toast to absent friends.  This girl stood up, raised her glass and announced to our whole table, 'That'll be me at their wedding', while gesturing to us with her wine glass!  Literally everybody at the table put their head in their hands while her husband looked totally embarrased and pulled her back to her seat! 

    It's an uncomfortable situation to be in but I try and avoid it by not talking about the wedding unless it's with someone we are sure we're inviting.  If someone else mentions it, the 'we're still finalising the guest list' is a good line, or 'we're keeping it really small and intimate, but I'd love to get a drink with you after my honeymoon' or something like that.

  • I went to the baby shower of my friend who doing my hair for my wedding. When we both in high school and just out we were in a youth group together. If I was getting married and the group was still active and I was still involved in it, I probably would include a lot of the members however it disbanded and I am not close to most members. At the shower many of the girls I know from the group were asking about the wedding, the date and location. I said we hadn't finalized anything yet and are still looking at venues. I was appalled by these girls because most of them are married and didn't invite me to their weddings, one even called me up and asked that I don't even come to the state of IL the weekend of her wedding because she thought I would crash her wedding.

    As FH and I met a friend of his for lunch this last weekend, she said when she got married a mutual friend of hers and FH's asked to come to the wedding and was even trying to get FH to take her as his date(we were in the let's be friends post being FWB stage). He says he invited me to go as his date but I don't remember him asking and since I wanted to meet his friends, I would have figures a way to make it work with my job. This summer the group of high school friends these girls are in of FH are having a reunion of sorts, should be interesting to see who all asks for invites. FH claims no one will but with at least one person not on the list asking every time we go back home and the fact she did ask and did get an invite in the past makes me nervous she will try again.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • Ive had two situations of people asking me if they were invited, and i am so painfully awkard and the worst that this.
    One was a girl i know that works for another makeup company. We are FB friends, and say hello if we see each other but thats it! She asked.
    Second was my aunt's friend, who used to come hang out at the cafe that she owned (and i worked at). He made a big deal of asking at easter, and i was so weirded out, but am such a total wuss i was like "yeaaaaaa"
    My aunt immediately told him to be quiet.

    My advice, if them a 100% non commital answer like "Oh, well see, small venue and big family" or some crap and then change the subject. they should get the point.
  • I cut a few relatives from the guest list, and my wedding is about 2 weeks from now.  One of the people is still waiting on an invite I guess and is discussing her complaints with another relative who is complaining to my mom who is complaining to me about it.  Sorry but I have legitimate reasons to not invite the relatives who were left off the list (people who have physically harmed us or other guests previously, or people who cant be trusted to not bring the first group) and if you want to know where your invitation is then you can ask me directly.  I plan on just not telling them anything, I see them maybe once every other year even though they don't live far away.

      I also had a co worker ask if he was going to be invited, and I told him no and another coworker laughed at him, but that is his relationship with everyone so it wasnt in hard feeling.  I guess it just depends upon your relationship with people how you go about telling them or not.
  • It's not just would-be guests, either. Within 20 minutes of us changing our "relationship status" on Facebook, one of my casual friends, who is the lead of a music band, messaged me and said that he would love to be considered as the entertainment at our wedding, AND within hours, a girl who hated me growing up, married one of my schoolyard bullies, and invited my own mother, but not me, to her wedding (I totally get it and wasn't interested anyway, but still), started screaming on my Facebook page, "I want to bake your cake!" 

    I mean, I get it that you might have changed, and that we can hold a civil conversation these days, but I can't even invite all of the friends I would like to, let alone potential "frenemies." So awkward and unnecessary. 
    NerdyLucy
  • I'm thankful that most people around me were more curtious.  I agree that noncomittal and avoiding details is usually the best strategy.  One idea for those that "imply" with the "I can't wait to see you in your dress" reply back "I'll be sure to bring in pictures to show you when I get them <change the topic>"
  • Yeah, exactly. So far, I've just told the band that I have no idea what we're doing for our second wedding (we're having one in Michigan and one in Tel Aviv, and they're in Tel Aviv), and I told the cake girl that we're planning something for suuuuuuuper far away from her. As to everyone else, I've said that I have no idea how many people I will or will not be able to invite. Not sure how I'll handle it when we get closer to the date, though. 

    I wonder how obscenely rude it would be to mention something about only being able to invite family and best friends to the wedding... on the wedding website? >.< 
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I personally think that changing the subject and not acknowledging them can make things worse.  They may assume that they were not invited for a certain reason and it can hurt your friendship. I think the best course of action is to let them know that it is a small celebration and unfortunately, you cannot invite everyone.

    I know that feeling, between family and close friends my guest list is already at 170 people. We have to stop, if we don't we'll have 300 people at the wedding.
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  • SBmini said:

    I personally think that changing the subject and not acknowledging them can make things worse.  They may assume that they were not invited for a certain reason and it can hurt your friendship. I think the best course of action is to let them know that it is a small celebration and unfortunately, you cannot invite everyone.


    I know that feeling, between family and close friends my guest list is already at 170 people. We have to stop, if we don't we'll have 300 people at the wedding.
    I have to disagree. Telling someone it is a small celebration when it is in fact not one, is a lie and could do more damage. In my experience, people assuming they are invited are people who are more acquaintances vs friends. I would rather bean dip them and let them realize they aren't invited vs telling someone, "Even though you think you are invited, you just aren't that close of a friend to be invited. Hope you will still talk to me when we see each other at Christmas and Easter after church."


    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I am going thru the same thing! My fiance proposed in front of 300+ people at church so now 600+ people "cant wait" for the wedding and "cant wait" to celebrate with us at "the reception!" Every single time I go to church, (5 months now) atleast 2 people "invite" themselves. I do all I can to change the subject but apparently I do not need to even be there for it to be a subject.

    It makes me feel horrible. Yesterday, I was approached (again) by someone who makes wedding gowns, bridesmaids dress, shoes etc. No matter how many ways Ive tried to tell this women, "thanks but no thanks" she hounds me. I spent most of the morning hiding from her!!! Another woman, who I happen to adore, told me that she "heard" we were having the wedding at such and such place. She then went on about what a "fancy smancy" place it is and how "they" (her husband also) cant wait!!! My heart took a plunge!

    There is no real way to avoid these conversations. If there is, I havent figured it out. Changing the subject doesnt help. They find me again!!!! Also, how do you avoid the question, "have you set a date yet?" I have tried that! My mind goes blank and my face goes dumb!!! If I say no...they will find out different and think Im crazy! If I answer it, then the other questions come!!!

    The truth is, unfortunately, our guest list is only 100, and besides the other Pastors and SO's (6) only 3 other couples will be invited. Lots and lots of feelings will be hurt! (I was informed of this many times) UGH!!!! Last night me & FI went to our venue to see where the sun will be during our outside ceremony time, this time next year, and we ended up talking about this issue. How pathetic we were! Just sat there in silence at the end of our conversation...wishing we could avoid hurt/angered feelings! :(

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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    It is! Its very stressful for me. Leighbie...does your Mom agree about her side? If she does then you have nothing to worry about. I would think not having contact with them (therefore they dont have contact with you) they wouldnt expect an invite! Right?

    Oh, yes, we did, a few times use the line "its small, just famiyl and close friends" but realized that everyone thinks "their" Pastor is "their friend" so we figured we better stop saying that!!! :/ I did suggest that I stop going to church for the year but that didnt go over well with FI! I was only kidding of course!! :)

    Needless to say, it is a real problem because one would think that people understand its OUR wedding but they dont! (for the same reason..its "their" Pastor) :/ Congrats and good luck with your planning!!!


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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2013
    Im sorry you have you had to distance yourself from your mother. Im sure you did what you thought best for you! I myself have also put distance between me and my mother. Although since my engagement (Dec) I find myself communicating with her more. 9 out of 10 times, its ends with me feeling terrible...either hurt, angry or disappointed by things she says.

    The big one was after being engaged only 1 month, one phone call she questioned me about him in ways that I could have accepted and would have expected if we were just starting to date...not 3 years later and certainly not after we were engaged! She eventually asked me where he was on that particular evening. After I told her that he was at a gig she asked me if I ever go to them. I told her that I did but it depends on when they are as I have a 15 yr old at home and if hes not with his dad, I wont leave him alone. She then went on to say that she would go to every one of his gigs because he is a very good looking man and there are plenty of beautiful women out there!!!! Im the frekkin idiot! I didnt feel "knife" going it and assured her that I have no worries AT ALL and would not live my life shadowing him in fear!!! She then insisted that I not say  "I am not worried"  because women that say that are always the ones that get cheated on!!!!!!!!!! Holy mother of God!!!!!

    What a way to build up her daughter, ay??? The crazy thing is that she has known of this man and his family for years! She knows hes a Pastor and has tremendous morals and values! She knows his ex-wife cheated on him many times and infidelity is a huge NOT to him! So knowing she knows him, made it clear that it was about me!!! Knife deep!!! But the bigger thing to me is that she was telling me that Im not good enough!!!! Or she tried to!!!!

    Even if she fears this for some reason, this is something she should talk with her best girlfriend about!!! Not me!!! Actually, she wasnt fearing it...what she was saying is that Im not beautiful enough! Which, in turn, gave me some down moments...feeling insecure about my weight...until I realized that I was giving her that sick power!!!

    I am grateful to my mother though...she has shown me what kind of mother NOT to be!! So good for you for maintaining the courage and strength to keep your toxic mother at a distance!!!

    I wish you all the best for your wedding day and your new life with your husband!!! Surround yourself with those you love who love and respect you back!

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
    [Deleted User]
  • We dealt with this a lot too. We own a business and I was shocked how many of our customers were indicate they wanted to come to the wedding.  It was awkward and I tried my best to just be polite and never indicate they would/would not be on the guest list.  Most of them just figured it out (a few of our customers are close family friends so they of course are invited).  But just this weekend (2 weeks to wedding) I ran into one of our customers at Michael's while buying some wedding stuff.  So of course the wedding came up and she straight up said "Well am I invited!?"  I just had to be nice and say sorry we decided to do a small wedding with family and close friends (which is true).  But we do plan on having a BBQ this summer for our 2nd anniversary for the business, so we will invite our customers to that.   
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