Too Young

KaySea6213

So I heard one too many "too young" comments over the weekend and almost posted this as a facebook status:

I know people really can't help themselves and it truly has no lasting effects, but I hate when someone who tells me I'm too young to get married. I totally get it. People hear the news, ask my age and then think of some 19 year old they know that's not ready for marriage and instantly feel the need to warn me. Yes, many 19 year olds aren't ready for marriage, hell many of them aren't even thinking about it, but that's not me. Everyone's 19 is different. I know 19 year olds that are married with children, I know 19 year olds that drink 24/7,  have no jobs and live with their parents, I know 19 year olds about to graduate high school. We all have different walks of life. The point is that whether or not my 19 lines up with your expectation, this IS my 19, this is MY life. In 12 days, with the support of our families, I will marry my best friend and the love of my life. Nothing you say is going to change that, so next time you feel the overwhelming urge to "warn" me, do me a favor and bite your tongue.


For obvious reasons I eventually decided not to post this on facebook, but I wanted to share anyway because I'm sure some of you have heard this. Normally I let the comments roll of my back, laugh and say something similar too, "Yeah..."

How do you respond?

Blackbird230

I would say that being married at 19 is just a very different life than how many people proceed. I know a girl that was married at 18. She went to college and everything, but things were always a bit close financially. She also just lived a different college experience. Like those of us who are maybe just dating or something, college is a bit of a wild time. But if you're married young, it's a whole new world. I guess the thing is going into marrying young realizing that you won't have the SAME experiences as other people your age. You'll have just different experiences that they won't have. It's a toss up and it's what you want. It's also what you make of it.

kerbohl

I could never have married at 19.  I was a commitment-phoebe that never wanted to settle down.  However, everyone is different, and it must be very frustrating for you to have people judge you because you were ready before some of us were.  My mother married at 18, and she and my dad are celebrating 40 years together this year.  What age you were when you married doesn't necessarily make a difference, and people have to learn to realize that.  My advice to you - realize that in the future when you are celebrating your big anniversaries, you are proving all those people wrong.  It sucks now, but I'm sure it will get better when they see how you and your husband embrace married life. 

wittykitty14

You're right to recognize that everyone is at a different place at any age.  At 19, I would not have been in a good place to get married or even be in a relationhip.  I had a lot of me work to do.  But now I'm 24 and getting married soon, and it feels perfect to me.  There are still some people who think I'm too young.  People will always have some judgement on whether or not they think you're "ready" for marriage. Honestly, I think you sound very mature for a 19 year old.  What comes down to it is how you and FI feel.  Try to brush their comments off and not let them affect your happiness.  Yay for getting married soon!  Congrats!

ravenray

Good job for not posting that on facebook, I know the "too young" comments get really frustrating.  

I got married last year, at 21 and people who didn't know me loved to tell me that I was getting married too young.  I would always say something along the lines of "well, we think we are ready and less than 50 years ago this was completely normal."  

You are right, everyone's 19 is different.  I wasn't married at 19, but I was in a serious relationship and I knew we were headed for marriage.   Being married in college can be difficult.  It's hard when your friends have no concept of money and are constantly spending it going out and you can't because you can't afford it.  People look at you weird and judge you when you tell them you are married.  It happens, but if you let it roll off your back, their comments no longer bother you, and the longer you are married the more "whatever" their comments become, since you are married and everything is good. 

Yesterday, my H got asked if he was Mormon since I wasn't Pregnant when we got married.  He doesn't let things offend him, but that is his personality.  So don't worry about what others have to say.  It's annoying yes, but just think of them as tiny bugs, don't let them bother you.  

Congrats on getting married in two weeks!  How exciting!  Please come back and post wedding pictures!

KaySea6213

I'll definitely post pictures!

metalmoliver

I have heard the "too young" stuff a lot too. But some people assume that if they were not ready at your age, that you can't be either. I agree with you though. Everyone has different maturity levels.

But for responding, I usually just laugh it off and says "I know, I know". It is only people that don't really know me that say anything to me. All of my friends and family see that I am ready (or just don't say anything to me). Good luck and congrats on your wedding almost being here!!

OjitosVerdes

I am not young, so let me preface my comment with that. LOL. I'll be 35 when FI and I marry in November. 

As annoying as the too young comments are, I don't necessarily think they come from a malicious place. You are absolutely right that people grow and mature at different rates, and what's right for you may not be right for everyone.  Objectively, marrying at 19 is definitely unusual, especially now that people are waiting later and later to get married. Also, as others have mentioned, marriage does change the kind of young adulthood you'll have, which may including sacrificing some things.  For you, however, those things may not seem like a sacrifice or even be relevant. 

I know developmentally I was a million miles from being in a place to marry when I was 19. Heck, I called of an engagement and wedding when I was 25 because I STILL wasn't ready. At the time, I had different priorities that took precedence. My dream was to live on my own, buy a house, live overseas for a few years, travel and make friends all over the world, go to graduate school, etc., and dedicated most of my 20's to making those dreams come true. Those were experiences that were important to me to take into a life long relationship, both as far as my personal development was concerned, and because I knew that pursuing them would be more difficult once I was with a life partner. 

Because I value those things, when asked my advice is generally to wait until you're in your late 20's/early 30's to marry. However, that doesn't mean that my desires should be everyone else's, and I wouldn't impose them on anyone. I am a totally different person than I was in my late teens - while I feel who I am is stable now, I don't know that any relationship I might have had would have survived that growing phase. But again, I anticipated that for myself and not everyone will have that same experience. 

Please know that I'm not passing judgment on your decision AT ALL - just explaining that as unwelcome as they are, many of the "too young" comments come from well intentioned, although sometimes presumptuous place. You know you have found "the one", I wish you the very best on your upcoming marriage! As far as how to respond, an "I know it isn't for everyone, but this is the best decision for the two of us", then changing the subject will probably work best. Much happiness to you both!

vivalalace

I was a little older than you (22) when I got married, but I still got the same comments from people.  Not from my family and close friends, all of whom were supportive, but from random people.  I was getting a pedi one day and this older lady noticed my ring and commented on it, and asked if I was married.  I told her yes, and she said that I looked very young and asked how old I was and I told her 23.  The very next thing she asked was if I had children and I told her no.  Then she asked why I wanted to get married.  I also got a few comments about older ladies who work in my office and also from some younger coworkers who would prefer to party.  I had some great years in my late teens and in college and I had some crazy times.  I had my own place since I was 18 and lived alone for a couple years.  But I am so glad to put that behind me, especially now that I have graduated.  It is quite comical when people will tell me that I haven't "lived enough of my life" to enter a marriage, because I have had experiences doing just about anything you can think of without my H. I can't say that I would have got married at 19, since we were not in that kind of relationship at that time, but if were who knows?  There are 15 year olds that I know that are mature than 40 year olds I know.  I don't think that it is anyone's place to judge whether or not you are ready for a marriage, and very often it does come from a place of judgement, with someone looking at your age (or any factor) and determining your fitness for something.  Even if you're not, and there is no way I or any of these other posters can gauge that, it's something that you have to go into and figure out yourself.  

kerbohl

elBecko said:

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StageManager14 said:

It might be worth considering that they're trying to help rather than assuming it's about being judgmental.

This.  It's one thing hearing about how young you are from people who don't really know you, but I would be concerned if I were hearing it from close friends or family.  If you value the opinion of someone who is telling you that you're too young, ask them to explain what they mean. Sometimes it's really easy to lose perspective of your relationship.  

Sometimes close friends and family are wrong as well, but I agree that it is good to ask why they are telling you things.  For example - my mom wouldn't stop telling me that she thinks my FI is possessive.  I point out that he encouraged me to live overseas for two years, has no problem with me having guy friends and going out with them when he is nowhere near, and has shown no signs of being possessive.  And after she said something, I took a good look at our relationship and tried to be objective, and still found nothing of concern.  So I asked my mom to back up her statement, and she had absolutely nothing as well.  I think she was just saying it to mask asking if I am sure he is the right person for me.  So sometimes friends and family will say something, but always make them back up their statements.  

KaySea6213

vivalalace said:

I was a little older than you (22) when I got married, but I still got the same comments from people.  Not from my family and close friends, all of whom were supportive, but from random people.  I was getting a pedi one day and this older lady noticed my ring and commented on it, and asked if I was married.  I told her yes, and she said that I looked very young and asked how old I was and I told her 23.  The very next thing she asked was if I had children and I told her no.  Then she asked why I wanted to get married.  I also got a few comments about older ladies who work in my office and also from some younger coworkers who would prefer to party.  I had some great years in my late teens and in college and I had some crazy times.  I had my own place since I was 18 and lived alone for a couple years.  But I am so glad to put that behind me, especially now that I have graduated.  It is quite comical when people will tell me that I haven't "lived enough of my life" to enter a marriage, because I have had experiences doing just about anything you can think of without my H. I can't say that I would have got married at 19, since we were not in that kind of relationship at that time, but if were who knows?  There are 15 year olds that I know that are mature than 40 year olds I know.  I don't think that it is anyone's place to judge whether or not you are ready for a marriage, and very often it does come from a place of judgement, with someone looking at your age (or any factor) and determining your fitness for something.  Even if you're not, and there is no way I or any of these other posters can gauge that, it's something that you have to go into and figure out yourself.  

This is the real problem. Our family and friends are all stoked and no one has questioned it.

thegirlonfire96

This makes me feel VERY young... I'm 17 and been planning my wedding for a year now. We are going to graduate High School in May, and get married that june. Soon, I know<3 we will be 18 then.

I do agree that it could defiantly work. You just need to make sure of that before you tie the knot.

But so what if people say you are too young! Do YOU think YOU are too young? That's what counts.

And also, Yeah there is a lot of statistics that say teens getting married will end in divorce .. blah blah blah.

A LOT of marriages end up in divorce.. Not just teen marriages.

And just because their marriage ended in divorce, DOES NOT MEAN YOURS WILL! They probally shouldn't have even gotten married in the first place, because of being too immature orr they got married for the wrong reasons...

Teenage marriage CAN work.. I support it 100%

bethsmiles

I never would have gotten married at 19! I was with my SO when I was 19 and we were talking marriage but knew that life would be easier in general if we waited. Now we've been together for almost 5 years, are both done with college and thinking about getting married next summer (we'd be 24 - still pretty darn young!). I agree that everyone isn't the same at 19 but I also believe that sometimes you don't need to make your life harder!

Also, I agree 100% with everything @stagemanager14 said (and I loved your post!). People aren't necessarily coming from a judgmental place and it can be worth considering.

Additionally, I'm sure most teens getting married have the same attitude as @thegirlonfire96. No one gets married thinking well there's no way this is going to work. I'm not saying either of your marriages will fail I just think it's important to really understand the challenges in life you will face getting married so young.

Sugarplum97

I am getting married at 16. My advice is this; don't listen to them! I graduated at 15, and in December I will be graduating with an Associates degree in Psychology and getting married at 16. People are not always being rude. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. People tell me I should not be getting married, until they hear and understand that I am not the average person. Any time you do anything that is not normal, people have something to say. Everyone is different, when I was fourteen I was in a serious relationship with my FH, we had been friends for a long time. He is four years older than I am, and has a great paying job, and we are building a house. We listened to what everyone around us was telling us and took it in to consideration. We could wait longer, but we really wanted to get a start on our lives together. We have already opened up a savings account, and have started putting money in it and we will keep doing so. We want to be as ready as possible when life happens. We are both in college, and we know what we want to do in life. I know people say that we are less likely to have a long lasting marriage and such and such, but we know the risk and we also understand that just because other people aren't ready for it doesn't mean that we aren't. If you would like a link to my blog send me a message, I will be glad to send it to you.

ravenray

Here is something people say to me which makes some sense, If you are so in love, why not wait a year or two?  You are 16, that is so young and I'm sure you've been through a lot and are really smart but there is something seriously wrong with a 18 year old interested in a 14 year old.  And as Elbecko mentioned, it's statutory rape in many states.  It certainly is in my state and I know of people who have been convinced for having a relationship at those same ages. 

Why don't you wait until you are at least legal to get married, waiting never hurt anyone.  Move in with him, live with him, whatever, but at least wait until your 18.  There is no harm in waiting.  

Either way, I know I'm not going to change your mind but I do want you to at least consider the issue from all angles.  Marriage is a life long commitment that, In my opinion, should not be gotten into lightly or out of lightly.   

Sugarplum97

In my state I can get married at 16 with parental consent. There is noting illegal about our relationship unless we have sex before we are married. My parents and I have both researched all of the laws. We are legal. I have known him for a long time, we went to school together. Normally my parents would never have let me go on a date, much less with a boy that is four years older; but my mom and my sister both knew him and his parents. I understand that I am not as old as people want me to be, but my sisters all got married at 17, as did my mom. They have all been married a long time. One of the couples at our church that has been doing relationship studies with us (it comes before premarital counseling in our church), got married at 16 and 20, and they have been married for 48 years. So it can work, just becuase it is not as common anymore, doesn't mean it won't work. Most people don't have an associates degree at 16 either. 

ravenray

Ah ok, I thought it might have been religious.  That is ok, I'm religious too so I understand that it is way more acceptable to get married younger in Christianity. However, I still think that 16 would still turn heads in many circles. 

I just want to point out that knowing someone for a long time is not the same thing as dating them.  There is a totally different aspect of friendship verses relationship.  Friendships does not mean that you tell the other person everything or have to be with them every day.  Just because you are friends with them, doesn't mean you know them like you would in a relationship.  Otherwise, what would be the point of a relationship?

I'd glad you are doing pre-marital counseling so you aren't walking into this completely blind.  Many people may not have AA at 16, but just because it's something to be proud of but it doesn't make you ready for marriage sorry.  

Anyways, I wish you all the luck and I hope your marriage lasts like your friend's marriages did.  Feel free to stick around and tell us about your wedding planning.  

maciejade7

I'm getting married next year. Me and my fiancé will both be 21 close to 22. I don't see age as an issue at all when I think of getting married younger than some people. Me and Fiancé have been together since our eight grade year of middle school, so yes, like 6 years all together. Throughout that time it wasn't serious at first, through high school we had minor breakups as it got a little more serious, and then when I went to college we had a major breakup that lasted 6-7 months. I hit that feeling of well this is the ONLY guy I've ever had a serious relationship with? So we broke it off and agreed to see new people. I was fine for awhile until about 4 months in I realized how most guys were. I then felt extremely lucky to have my fiance that had stuck around through all my drama and bad times. We ended up talking ALOT before deciding to get back together. And I have to say it was the best decision of my life! We are like best friends again. We have learned to talk about our problems instead of giving so we rarely have fights or arguments. We've been back together over 2 years now. We've moved in together and practically feel like husband and wife already! He proposed on Dec. 19,2012 and were not getting married until Oct. 18,2014. So we put the date off purposely to give us time to save up for exactly what we want and to take some marriage counseling. I feel like that everyone is different when it comes to age. I remember being in high school wanting so badly to be engaged because other girls had went through that already but now I realize that would've been the biggest mistake. You change so much from the ages of 16 and up. It's better to take things slower to figure out what you truly want. Also, I dO have a lot of friends that have been married younger and as far as I know they are doing fine. I think it depends on how much you are truly willing to work on the relationship. At any age.

ravenray

@maciejade7 I totally agree that relationships only work if both of you put the effort into them.  IF you aren't willing to work the marriage most likely won't work.  Excellent point.  

mandibride2be

I'm 22, and I look 16 - I get the weirdest look with my engagement ring on.

I will be 23 when we get married.

I think it depends on maturity. Most people at our age wants to go out partying and finding random hookups.

bethsmiles

mandibride2be said:

I'm 22, and I look 16 - I get the weirdest look with my engagement ring on.

I will be 23 when we get married.

I think it depends on maturity. Most people at our age wants to go out partying and finding random hookups.

I hear this a lot on this board but honestly while I know some people who just want to party all the time it is by no means the majority of people I know. It's kind of silly logic - I don't party so I'm mature enough to get married.

I'm not directing this specifically at you just in general that specific line gives me pause when people use it.

mandibride2be

I was just explaining MY experiences - a lot of people I know complain and say you will never know who you might meet at the club.

there's many different levels of maturity that we can go on and on forever.

I know plenty of people too who love to party and have a good time but at the same time can respect their relationship.

bethsmiles

Right, like I said, my post wasn't directly aimed at you that just gets said a lot by younger brides explainning why they are mature but I just don't think it has to do with much in the way of proving maturity so I wonder why it gets brought up so often.

kerbohl

I never wanted to party, ever.  I HATE clubs with a passion, and when I turned 19 (legal drinking age in Canada) I started to mistrust clubs completely because I heard the stories of jerk guys taking advantage of drunk girls, so I hated them more.  I avoided any and all high school parties that involved any alcohol.  Did the fact that I never partied mean I was mature?  Goodness no!  Was I mature enough for a relationship because I was staying at home studying and working to save for school?  Goodness no!  I agree with both of you - it depends on the person and there are different levels of maturity for everyone. 

KaySea6213

You know what's funny? I took my husband home this weekend to my family reunion (by home, I mean the state where my GM was raised with her 9 siblings in the 30s, to meet my huge, extended family) and not a single one of my family members mentioned that we're young. They all adored my husband and they were so incredibly happy for me (they hadn't met him before because in previous years he was my bf and I myself hadn't been in 3 years). I know it's not exactly the norm to be married at 19, but I realized this weekend that there just as many people who focus on our ages, as there are that don't focus on our ages. Now I see that it was really something silly to self-conscious of.

I believe strongly in some of the PPs whether your marriage works depends on how you work on it with your spouse. I'm confident that our marriage will last all our lives because I know that we will never give up on this.

That being said, I think it's important that two married people can rely fully on themselves for financial support. Along with going to school full-time I work two, up until recently it was three, jobs (one full-time, one part-time) to pay our bills (rent, utilities, groceries, gas, phone, cable, internet, vet/pet food, etc.), my husband also works. All of that adds a new level of pressure to a relationship that you just can't fully understand until you're in the situation. Just be cautious and recognize that the new situation can really change how your relationship functions.

sydwil23

dammitkrystyn, hows the financial side working out? My fiance and I are getting married in December, and I'm 20, graduating in Spring 2014 (I'll be student teaching in the Spring, so I won't be able to work) and my fiance is 21, graduating in December 2014. We start premarital counseling tomorrow, but we already know I biggest issue is money, and how we'll survive month to month. With working all the time, do you actually get enjoy each other? How much time do you guy spend together?

KaySea6213

I work about 12 hours a day so during the week I only get to see my husband for 2 - 3 hours before we go to sleep. On the weekends I still work, but we get to spend a lot more time together. We text occasionally throughout the day so it doesn't seem to bad. I think with all the time we spend apart, even though we're stressed, we appreciate the time that much more. The money situation is complicated, but I'm proud to say that we make it through month to month and get all our bills paid.

jackiebrim

Don't listen to what anyone says! It's YOUR life, not theirs! I am 21 but my fiancé is 19, and we are getting married in four days! I, too, dealt with the "too young" comments, but you just have to let it roll off your back. Look at the people around you, the people your age. They probably seem very different from you. I was at work the other day talking to girls ranging 18-25. All of them were saying they could never get married right now. That's because they're not in the right place. If you feel you've found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, go for it and don't look back. My grandparents got married at 17 and just celebrated their 52nd anniversary. Divorce can happen to ANYONE, no matter the age. Just be prepared to work on your marriage as much as on other aspects of your life. That's what FI and I have been focusing on. Ultimately, it's your life, and don't let anyone bring you down!

That being said, I know how it feels when people comment on your age or ask why you want to get married. To me, this is being nosy. For some, it's religious reasons; for others, practical reasons. For me, FI is joining the Marine Corps in the fall, so it just made sense for us to get married now rather than in a few years like we planned. However, I don't like explaining this to random bystanders. I am marrying FI because I LOVE HIM. That is all.

KaySea6213

@jackiebrim My situation is similar. We got engaged in August. Though I always knew it was DH's intention to join the Marines, he hadn't really taken any steps yet. After we began planning the wedding he enlisted and now that we're married he leaves for boot camp soon. It played a role in our timing, but it's certainly wasn't the reason why so I don't bring it up in our conversations either.

ravenray

@Dammitkrystyn  We need wedding pictures Stat!  

margaretskye

OP, I totally sympathize with you. My fiance and I are both 20 and we just announced our engagement (although we won't be married until we're 22). Although no one has been so rude as to say, "aren't you a little young?" or words to that effect (yet), we have certainly encountered a lot of people who imply it. The thing you wrote about everyone's 19 being different is exactly it. It really just depends on where you are in your life and in your relationship. My fiance and I have been living together for two years, and we have dealt with some very real financial and family problems together. We are ready, and the ones who love us and who know us best know that.

At least you have the support of your family and close friends! If the ones who know you well are not questioning your decision then you're doing just fine!