Judgmental friends

SoontobeMrsNytes

I had a friend tell me today that because this is my second wedding, and even though it's my FI's first, I shouldn't have a wedding. And if I do, it should be family only. True, my first was the big 150 people church-ballroom party, but I'm not planning anything near that scale this time. When I told her that just because I've been married before, doesn't mean I should steal my FI's first from him. She told me "That's just an excuse". She really hurt my feelings.

Why do I feel like I have to justify my wedding? Am I wrong for wanting a wedding??

Marrin713

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

I had a friend tell me today that because this is my second wedding, and even though it's my FI's first, I shouldn't have a wedding. And if I do, it should be family only. True, my first was the big 150 people church-ballroom party, but I'm not planning anything near that scale this time. When I told her that just because I've been married before, doesn't mean I should steal my FI's first from him. She told me "That's just an excuse". She really hurt my feelings.

Why do I feel like I have to justify my wedding? Am I wrong for wanting a wedding??

You absolutely do not have to justify.  And no on the second question.

MikesAngie

I agree with Marrin.

You should have the wedding you want and can afford - period.  

When people close to you say something negative give them the icy stare of death.  Then say in a kind voice "the support of friends and family at this time mean so much to us". Next change the subject to something totally off topic. 

right1thistime

Not such a friend, in my opinion.

kryan32

@SoontobeMrsNytes - OMG - my sister is telling me the same thing!  She's coming to my wedding but she thinks it's a mistake and that everyone is going to think I'm only having a wedding to receive gifts.

My first wedding was 25 years ago - when I was 20.  I was a kid and my mom took over and planned 90% of that wedding - I just want a chance to have the wedding I want to have with the man I love...

We don't care about the gifts - we don't need anything - we just want to celebrate our union with our family and friends...

Anyway, I'm sorry your friend is being so jerky - I wish I had some good advice for you - but you should definitely have the wedding of your dreams and feel happy doing it.

Take care,
Kim

 

Sue-n-Kevin

When we married in August 2011 it was my first, but my husband's third. Lucky for us his family was very supportive of him finding the right person and I never heard a negative word. They even offered to throw us a shower, but with 2 households to merge, we politely declined.

Many of the ladies who come here have heard the same things you mention. You are amongst friends here. I agree you do not have to defend anything. Plan the wedding you both want and can afford, if people are critical then stop sharing wedding details and come here, we love to hear about weddings.

Good luck.

SoontobeMrsNytes

Thank you ladies. I really appreciate all of your kind words. I also talked to my MOH, and she said the same thing. I'm grateful for all the support I can get!

coopsbaby

Absolutely you should not have to defend having a wedding! Ours was my second and my DH's first, and while it was much more casual than my first (this time was Vegas, first time was full church wedding), we still did lots of traditional wedding things since DH hadn't done them, and I hadn't done them with him. Remember it might not be your first wedding, but it's your first to each other!

Dancer2873

you friend is being way to hard on you and kind of hateful and hurtful. Is that her personality at times or is this out of left field?

SoontobeMrsNytes

Dancer, this friend has the tendency to be a little rough sometimes. But, this time I was caught completely off guard. Especially since although her wedding was her first, it was her husband's third!

I'm really not sure what her issue is... 

radleyboo

Why are people like this?  Unfortunately, things like weddings allow some people to show their true colors, I've definitely experienced that this time.  Have the wedding that you and your FI want and can afford, and best of luck with all of your planning.  

beautifulmama28

MikesAngie said:

I agree with Marrin.

You should have the wedding you want and can afford - period.  

When people close to you say something negative give them the icy stare of death.  Then say in a kind voice "the support of friends and family at this time mean so much to us". Next change the subject to something totally off topic. 

ROFL at the icy stare of death!! Love it!!

I have had many family members have this opinion....behind my back unfortunately.  Its sad really, the day is about us, not pomp and circumstance, not stuff, it is a day to celebrate our future together, we have some smaller elements going on, and some more wedding traditional type. But overall our day is just that OUR day to unite as one officially and celebrate US.

So sorry you had to deal with that, I think if that was my friend I would ask "who are you to decide what is and is not appropriate? And btw if you don't approve you wont be invited"

Dancer2873

I would just say then why was it okay for your now husband to have a third wedding like a first for you and its not okay for me to do for my fi?

pesematology

Oh, yeah, having something to celebrate is just an excuse to have a celebration. And jeebus only knows what would happen to humanity if people celebrated every single time a major life event happened. Horrifying.

I guess it's true that you've got to fight for your right to party.

kennede

I'm sorry you are not being supported by your friends.  I have struggled with this myself.  No one has been rude, but I have definitely had friends who said that they would never do what I am doing for a second wedding.  That is fine.  Everyone is different.  I get that they wouldn't want to.  The most vocal person has been my Dad who has made comments several times with his last being the question, "did you ever just consider going to a JOP?"  My response to him was "No. Never. Just because it is a second wedding doesn't mean I have to slink away.   This is something to celebrate and in my opinion this family could use a good reason to get together.  We can't always just get together for funerals."  This hit home as I lost my Mom 18 months ago and my grandmother (his mother) 30 days before that and his brother a few months prior in 2011. I can't say I haven't questioned our decision to have a full blown wedding from time-to-time, but I don't think a wedding party that incudes a MOH and BM and my fiancé's children is over the top.  We are having 80 guests.  It is a second marriage for us both and the planning process has been priceless for his 11 year old daughter and I as far as bonding.

Keep you chin up and think of a good response the next time she or anyone else says something.  It can be as simple as "I hear what you are saying and I understand why if you were in my shoes you wouldn't want a wedding.  However, that is what makes us all individuals.  You don't have to like all my decisions, but as my friend I expect you to be supportive." 

SoontobeMrsNytes

Thank you all so much for your supportive words. I had another friend go off about why if she were to get married she would just go away on vacation and come back married, why she hates weddings, and why she thinks it's selfish of me to have second wedding since I've already been married. Says her "If you had another baby, you wouldn't have another baby shower, would you??" Well, actually, since my daughter is 8 and I no longer have any of her baby things, and if I were having a boy, why yes. Yes, I would have another baby shower.

I work in criminal law. I deal with so much that is wrong in our world. I don't understand why so many are so negative about celebrating love and happiness.

hockeywife10

Thirteen years ago, I had the big poofy white dress and invited everyone I knew. However, I was 19 and way too young. We were together about a year. Shortly after, I got pregnant and married my second husband, we were married 9 1/2 awful years (this wedding was at the JOP, and my Mom wasn't even there), and everyone knew I was miserable. I soon met the man of my dreams, the one I had always dreamt about. The man who makes me better, just because he believes in me. He has never wanted to get married before, but proposed to me in 4 months. We were originally gonna get married in June of 2014, but decided we are adults and know what we want. We moved the wedding up to this August. He wanted me to have the big poofy white dress, and thats what he is getting. Most people have been very supportive, and some don't even know about #1, old friends that do know have been less than supportive. I have always let people walk all over me, so I think it came as a surpise when I stood up to them. I love this man, and I know he was made for me. I do worry about what people are saying about me, but this is my life and if he is ok with my past, than who needs anyone else to approve!

Tell these people that give you a hard time, that you know what you are feeling, and if they can't accept it, than sorry about their luck and you are going to be happy, and that they can support you or go against you. Their choice!

SoontobeMrsNytes

Wow, Crystal, what an amazing story! I do hope your wedding is all you ever dreamed! We all deserve that! 

hockeywife10

Thanks ladies Thursday will be our "official" one year dating anniversary! It's been quite a year & I am so excited to be marrying this man!!!

We all do deserve that once in a lifetime kinda love

Maus31

Absolutely not.  Your wedding is YOUR day, regardless of whether you've been married before.  The day should be everything you and your fiance want.  You don't need to cater to other people.  I'm a very non-traditional person and my wedding is going to be very non-traditional and I'm facing judgment and criticism pretty much every day over it.  I just keep telling myself that it's MY day and that the friends and family who truly love me will support me, and they do.  This is YOUR day, and the people that love and support you will stand with you.

Troy&Jodi

I am in the same boat as far as the its my second and my FI first. You are absolutely right there is no reason to take away from him. It's your day you and his do want the two of you want. We are having a pretty large wedding. My FI actually told me he excepts me in a big beautiful wedding gown he said that no matter what wedding it is for me it is our ONLY wedding. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Good Luck happy planning & best wishes!!

Asheville122813

This is my 3rd wedding, 12/28/13...my "third time is the charm", FINALLY, got it right! We are having about 30 people ivory dress and beautiful reception hall! I've only had one person say, "you shouldn't do this or that" oh we'll, too bad for her...she won't be able to make it to the wedding...

SoontobeMrsNytes

I was talking to my mom the other day and she asked if I had looked at dresses yet. I told her only online, but I found one that I really like. I showed her the online picture. It's a satin champagne, strapless with side ruching and a chapel train. There's no beading, nothing ornate, but very me and very not my 1st poofy white cupcake dress complete with a cathdral train. She says to me "Well, considering the circumstances, don't you think a short dress would be more appropriate?" Umm, what circumstances?? She says "Well, since this is your second wedding, you really should only have an informal afternoon wedding". I don't want an informal afternoon wedding, and neither does my FI. But, good grief, I can't even get my own mother's support!

The ironic thing is, when my brother married his wife it was his first but her second wedding, and no one questioned her the way these same people are me. She did have the over the top 150 people church wedding, blow out party with the white cupcake dress. So why the judgment on me? I don't get it.

MikesAngie

SoontobeMrsNytes it sounds to me like your mom is stuck in some very old fashion way of thinking and hasn't realized that people now have the type of wedding they want and can afford whether or not it's a first or not.  There is nothing in the etiquette books about having an informal afternoon wedding for a second wedding that is something people may have done in the 50's or maybe in the 60's but certainly not now. 

Involve your mom less, I know it's not fun and you want her to be on board but if she can't then plan without her. When she asks questions you can answer them with nondescript answers and change the subject. "Yes, mom I found a dress....have you tried the bean dip". 

Then there is always the icy stare of death and "the support of family and friends during this time means so much to FI and me". 

Wicked93

My mon wanted me to wear off-white...Um, nope. DF said I looked beautiful in white, so white is what he is getting.

My Dad has been the vocal one too. When I called to talk to him about our plans, he just laughed and said he wouldn't be there because he isn't the one getting married. Really? Because both of my sisters wedding were out of town and he was there to walk her down the isle. Why don't I get the same?

I'm debating on whether or not to even send him an invite. I took that as a slap to me and DF, and even though this is our second marriage for both, DF actually talked to my dad about proposing before he did. First spouse didn't.

decembergrl2014

This is the second wedding for both of us too. I did the big, 150 person wedding. It was an interfaith wedding. It was beautiful, but not my dream wedding. This time, I am getting the dream wedding I always wanted..,full church Mass, smaller guest list. I agree that weddings, whether the first or 10th tend to bring out the true colors of friends and family. You owe no one any explanations. The ones that truly love you and support you will be there with bells on. Those who don't? Oh well, their loss!

CowgirlBride88

Wow, Wicked, I feel your pain there about your dad.  My dad has known about our upcoming Sept. wedding for over a year now, and he and his wife (not my mom) have decided to move to Montana next week and probably won't be here for our wedding.  He too, keeps pressuring me to have no wedding whatsoever and just go to the courthouse and have a JOP do it. Sometimes Dads just have ass-moments. Oh, and it's my first wedding. Fiance's too. Rock that white dress, girlfriend.

WhipIt76

RetreadBride said:

We southern ladies call the icy death stare "The Look."

The Look is wonderful when combined with one of those phrases.

"Thank you for offering your opinion of my wedding.  The loving support of family and friends means everything to Fiance and I as we plan our wedding and begin this new chapter of our lives."

There is nothing, nothing, the person can say to this without making an even bigger ass of herself than she already did.

And here in the South it doesn't matter it it's your first or 15th. You should always have a big beautiful wedding. And a drink.

Those who think you shouldn't do what you want for your wedding are probably jealous of your happiness and ability to do this lovely thing for your new chapter in life. Smile real pretty the next time someone says something bad about it and tell them that you perfectly understand if their schedules don't allow them to attend your wedding and inform them where you're registered and move onto a new subject. They will get the message. Get on board or get off the train.

realblonde474

I agree with y'all.  My sweetie and I are going to the JOP but having a huge party afterwards.  We doing the JOP because after a number of weddings (this will be my 3rd and his 4th) and 10 years together...we want to celebrate but not walk down an aisle.  But that's just us.

The "stare" has been very effective for me given our circumstances above.  I am 50, my sweetie is 60....my drama retention tolerance is zero. 

And BTW, remember this will be YOUR day to celebrate YOUR way.

Hugs!

Donna

 

hockeywife10

Ok, I have been calm and collected, but today I sent out our invites (yes, we are a little late) and I am nervous bout what some people's reactions are going to be!

brideedirb

I totally understand!  Do what you want to do!!!!