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MoH can't be in wedding. What do I do?

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Re: MoH can't be in wedding. What do I do?

  • She posted again on WW. I think she's beyond help. 

    [Deleted User]golden1215
  • She posted again on WW. I think she's beyond help. 

    Worst. decision. ever.
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    [Deleted User]harper0813wittykitty14
  • It really makes me so sad to see more and more people actually BELIEVING that a PPD is their wedding.

    Until a few years ago, my brother didn't even have the rights that many PPD brides call "on paper" and yet those are swept under the rug as if it doesn't count until the white dress is on.  

    SMH
    [Deleted User]wittykitty14Blue_Birdgolden1215
  • JackyDH - you came here for advice and that's exactly what everyone is giving you. If you don't like it then too bad. Honestly, we wanted to get a house first (we did that) and then started planning a wedding...and we paid for everything ourselves. Our wedding is now 3 months away and it's a 2 year engagement. If you couldn't have afforded the wedding you wanted this year then you should have waited. A vow renewal with the whole pretty princess day is not going to change anything for you, and from where I'm from - Eastern PA - it's not common to get married and then have a big day the year after. Seems a little gift grabby to me.

    As for your MOH that's not responding...she told you that she can't guarantee that she can make it. If she can then fine, if not then do not replace her...although I don't believe you should be having a bridal party since it's a renewal.

    And to your comment of "If I had been married in a courthouse because of a lack of money, and then had my big ceremony for family and friends a year later, would you still be making a big stink?" - my answer is yes, it's the same concept.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    JackyDH said:

    My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my vow renewal ceremony. H and I only had a tiny ceremony for family for financial reasons (we literally paid nothing, as his Aunt married us and we wore business casual in my parents' backyard), so we are renewing our vows on our 1 year anniversary with the big ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

    Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do?

    We're having a friends and family ceremony and reception next year since we couldn't have one this year. And vow renewals can be like regular weddings. I'm wearing a big fancy dress, and we're having a bridal party. Nobody I've talked to finds this odd. We didn't have the money for it this year, so we're doing it next year. It's pretty common these days from what I hear, and from what I've seen on SYTTD and 4W. I'd like an answer to my original question, not a lecture on what the customary traditions are for vow renewal and weddings.
    Sure they can be, when couples go against etiquette and turn their vow renewals into a 2nd wedding or a PPD.

    Of course SYTTD is going to validate the PPD idea. . . they want to make money off of you by selling you a big, white dress!



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Oh FFS people. Let the girl have her day. She didn't get to the first time around. Does it affect any of you and your planning? Didn't think so. 

    OP - If you want to do the whole shebang, go for it. Do you have another friend who has stepped up and been there for you? If so, make her the MOH. If not, just have a wonderful bridal party. I don't think you should ask your BP to pay for expensive dresses since this is a VR and not a wedding. But, hey if you want to have people up there wiht you while you renew your vows, go for it. 
  • Oh FFS people. Let the girl have her day. She didn't get to the first time around. Does it affect any of you and your planning? Didn't think so. 


    OP - If you want to do the whole shebang, go for it. Do you have another friend who has stepped up and been there for you? If so, make her the MOH. If not, just have a wonderful bridal party. I don't think you should ask your BP to pay for expensive dresses since this is a VR and not a wedding. But, hey if you want to have people up there wiht you while you renew your vows, go for it. 

    If people gave advice here solely based on how they were personally affected by the OP, you'd have very few responses.

    Second, how hard is it to understand that the OP already had her day? She can throw a lovely vow renewal but to turn it into a show with the white dress and BMs isn't appropriate for too many reasons. ,
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  • JackyDH said:
    My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my vow renewal ceremony. H and I only had a tiny ceremony for family for financial reasons (we literally paid nothing, as his Aunt married us and we wore business casual in my parents' backyard), so we are renewing our vows on our 1 year anniversary with the big ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

    Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do? Have you tried to see if there is something major going on in her life like relationship, family or job issues? Maybe something is going on that might prevent her from being able to afford to be a BM and she doesn't know how to talk to you about it.
     
    I'll spare you my thoughts about doing a vow renewal on a first anniversary. Vow renewals should be reserved for major anniversaries like 25th or 50th


    I would probably ask one of your other BM to be your MOH. If you ask someone else, depending on how much time is left, they may feel like plan B.

    In regards to your friend that won't return your text or calls. Find out what your deadline is for ordering BM and let her know when that is. Offer to go with her if she wants. If she misses the deadline, that would remove her as a BM unless you decide to let her wear something different that she can buy off the rack.

  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    JackyDH said:
    Sorry, I guess I'm in the wrong. I guess it's now considered WRONG to not have the money for a big wedding. I guess it's now WRONG to want to give OOT friends and family more notice so they have time to plan vacation time to come to your wedding. I guess it's also WRONG to want your friends included in your wedding. Since we couldn't do that this year, we're doing it a year from now. Yes, I'm not reciting traditional vows that normal brides recite because I'm already married, so we're renewing our vows. That doesn't make this celebration any less important. My friends and family weren't able to come and celebrate with us, and they want to very much. Does it really matter if it's a year from our wedding date or not? I thought you people were nicer and a bit more understanding of people's situations. I guess not. I figured a short vow renewal ceremony and then a nice, BBQ style reception with some music and great food would be just what the occasion called for, because it isn't a wedding. It's a vow renewal ceremony and party. It's just easier to say wedding. Sorry that the semantics are so important. Yes, I'll be wearing a big beautiful gown because I didn't get to on my wedding day. I think I deserve a gorgeous dress. My husband can wear a regular suit, or just nice slacks and a dress shirt for all I care. I couldn't care less for gifts! We don't need gifts, we'll already have everything we need. I just want a beautiful wedding, which I never got. I never got the pictures, the memories, the first dance, or the cake. Everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, no matter if it's on their wedding day or their anniversary. But I guess all of you already had your own perfect days, so you can't be bothered to care about anyone else's feelings in this regard.

    So you all enjoy your perfect, fairytale, dream weddings. I guess my husband and I don't deserve that.
    You came here asking why your "maid of honor" and your bridesmaids aren't getting back to you about being a part of your "day".

    You may not like the answer...but the answer to your question is that THEY DON'T WANT TO.

    You're married.  You had a small ceremony.  That was your wedding.

    This?  What you are planning?  It is a fake do over "pretty princess day".  It is tacky.  And it won't be a priority to people.  It isn't a wedding...and it doesn't matter if you couldn't afford a big fancy wedding...you are already married.

    And, sorry to say it but NO...not everyone deserves the "wedding of their dreams" or a big puffy gown.  Neither one of those things have ANYTHING to do with getting married or being married.  That's just for show.  It means nothing.

    There are plenty of people in this world that cannot even legally GET MARRIED let alone have big elaborate weddings.  Some of them are members of this site....and they'd gladly give up a dress or a 'wedding party' and cake, etc. to have a LEGAL MARRIAGE.

    You are married.  Your wedding was the day you became husband and wife.  If it wasn't enough for you...then you should have remained engaged and saved up for a bigger, fancier wedding.

    If you really want to have a big, fancy "vow renewal" do it on your 25th anniversary when you have managed to stay married for a while and face some challenges at a couple and came out on the other side.  That's a "big" anniversary.  People have parties for 25, 50, etc.  Don't do a "vow renewal" on year 1 because you want a big white dress and a 'do over' because you didn't get the wedding you think that you deserved.  That's tacky tacky tacky.


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    JackyDH said:
    If I had been married in a courthouse because of a lack of money, and then had my big ceremony for family and friends a year later, would you still be making a big stink?
    It doesn't matter why you got married in a courthouse, the point is that you got married.  That was your wedding.  You do not get another one just because you didn't wear a big white dress to the courthouse one or have bridesmaids or a reception with all your friends and family later.  When you decided that you had to have the legal ceremony at the courthouse, you made the decision to forgo the big white dress and the bridesmaids and the "reception with family and friends" at any later point.

    You can have a celebration later, but it would indeed be tacky to wear a wedding dress or have bridesmaids, a wedding cake, or anything else that smacks of "wedding."  That boat has sailed.
  • JackyDH said:
    Sorry, I guess I'm in the wrong. I guess it's now considered WRONG to not have the money for a big wedding. I guess it's now WRONG to want to give OOT friends and family more notice so they have time to plan vacation time to come to your wedding. I guess it's also WRONG to want your friends included in your wedding. Since we couldn't do that this year, we're doing it a year from now. Yes, I'm not reciting traditional vows that normal brides recite because I'm already married, so we're renewing our vows. That doesn't make this celebration any less important. My friends and family weren't able to come and celebrate with us, and they want to very much. Does it really matter if it's a year from our wedding date or not? I thought you people were nicer and a bit more understanding of people's situations. I guess not. I figured a short vow renewal ceremony and then a nice, BBQ style reception with some music and great food would be just what the occasion called for, because it isn't a wedding. It's a vow renewal ceremony and party. It's just easier to say wedding. Sorry that the semantics are so important. Yes, I'll be wearing a big beautiful gown because I didn't get to on my wedding day. I think I deserve a gorgeous dress. My husband can wear a regular suit, or just nice slacks and a dress shirt for all I care. I couldn't care less for gifts! We don't need gifts, we'll already have everything we need. I just want a beautiful wedding, which I never got. I never got the pictures, the memories, the first dance, or the cake. Everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, no matter if it's on their wedding day or their anniversary. But I guess all of you already had your own perfect days, so you can't be bothered to care about anyone else's feelings in this regard.

    So you all enjoy your perfect, fairytale, dream weddings. I guess my husband and I don't deserve that.
    Why couldn't you just wait a year to get married then? I wanted to get married right away but couldn't afford the wedding I wanted, so I postponed the wedding an extra year (18 month engagement) so could save and plan a wedding we wanted.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    Everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, no matter if it's on their wedding day or their anniversary.

    How entitled can you be?  No one deserves the wedding of their dreams.  

    You chose to have the type of wedding you had.  Act like an adult and learn to live with your decision.  
  • Look, I know this is one of the many "hot button issues" on theKnot. But the fact is that of the several "pretend weddings" I've attended, everyone has been delighted to celebrate with the couple. Some had wedding parties, some didn't. Some wore white dresses, some didn't. We (the guests) were not at all upset or offended. 
    Sometimes it makes me feel sad reading these boards, where there seem to be so many people just waiting to jump down the throat of someone who has broken an etiquette rule, whether or not it has any bearing on the question they've asked.

    That said:
    I'm a performer. There have been several of my friends' weddings that I've had to pull out of or say no to because I get a touring contract. And that's not anywhere near as important as your MOH's career! So it might be the best move to just tell her that you'll be delighted to have her if she can be there, and if she can't, you just don't have an MOH. You know she'll do her best to be there for you if she's able.

    With the other BM, it's odd that she seems to be avoiding talking to you. If it's the only thing you ever want to talk to her about, though she may be feeling like that's all she is to you, and that's why she's ducking your calls and emails. My advice would be to make sure that you spend time talking with her and never bring up the wedding once - do this a few times, ask her about her life, actually listen to the answers, and then after that, get some of the information you need. 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    The walking down the aisle to your "groom" in a big dress... the first dance... the cake cutting... you missed out on all that and it sucks. But you made the decision to get married when you did. And all of these things, even if you try to recreate your wedding day, they probably won't feel as magical as they would have if you really were a bride.
    I'm sure you've already shared dances with your husband. And you've already shared meals together. You've been with him as a wife. So you don't need all those empty firsts because you already have a marriage, which is great.

    Ask yourself... has your marriage (not your wedding) not been great? If it's great, how could one day with a white dress have made it any better? The big party with the white dress doesn't make the marriage special. It just makes the wedding day special. You had your wedding day already so you don't need another one. Instead, continue to focus on your marriage.

    Have a vowel renewal/anniversary party if you wish. But you don't need bridesmaids because you aren't a bride, you're a wife. And you don't need a bridal gown because you're not a bride, you're a wife. And you don't need a first dance because you've probably already shared a first dance with your husband.

    Do the simple renewal and then throw an awesome party without all the cliche wedding crap. And instead of a big white gown that won't mean anything because you're already married and that you can't use again... spend the money on an amazing cocktail dress and shoes that you can wear over and over again that other girls would kill for.
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  • I think it's great what you are doing and I'm sure it will be a great day no matter what. Everyone deserves their fairytale wedding no matter how long it takes and you will rock your wedding dress! As for your question about your BM, I would call her and see what the deal is and tell her you are not trying to be bridezilla, you just need to get everyone coordinated. Unfortunately this should be the MOH's job to get the girls together but you have to make due since yours can't be there.  At the end of the day if she isn't interested then she can be a guest and not included in the bridal party. Her lost, not yours
  • There are no rules these days about vowel renewals. If you did not get the big ceremony you dreamed for and now have the ability to do, then do it how you want it! If that includes bridesmaids then you should include bridesmaids. However I would be hesitant to ask someone to fill in for the original MOH. She could just be honorary instead, and have the other girls as bridesmaids. If you are having issues with one of them replying to you, have an honest conversation about expectations. She may not understand what the role of bridesmaid means to you in a vowel renewal. 
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