Wedding Party

MoH can't be in wedding. What do I do?

My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my vow renewal ceremony. H and I only had a tiny ceremony for family for financial reasons (we literally paid nothing, as his Aunt married us and we wore business casual in my parents' backyard), so we are renewing our vows on our 1 year anniversary with the big ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do?
«1

Re: MoH can't be in wedding. What do I do?


  • JackyDH said:
    My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my vow renewal ceremony. H and I only had a tiny ceremony for family for financial reasons (we literally paid nothing, as his Aunt married us and we wore business casual in my parents' backyard), so we are renewing our vows on our 1 year anniversary with the big ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

    Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do?
    You shouldn't be having a bridal party for a vow renewal. This vow renewal is NOT a wedding. You shouldn't wear a big fancy gown since you're not a bride, you're a married woman. I suggest making it more of a anniversary party. Since you've only been married a year, have everyone over for a BBQ and skip the ceremony. 

    RetreadBridePrettyGirlLost
  • Agree, that will cut out your bridal party issues completely. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  • We're having a friends and family ceremony and reception next year since we couldn't have one this year. And vow renewals can be like regular weddings. I'm wearing a big fancy dress, and we're having a bridal party. Nobody I've talked to finds this odd. We didn't have the money for it this year, so we're doing it next year. It's pretty common these days from what I hear, and from what I've seen on SYTTD and 4W. I'd like an answer to my original question, not a lecture on what the customary traditions are for vow renewal and weddings.
    mtwomey1990
  • I agree with the above posters. Bridal parties aren't usually part of a vow renewal. If I was you, I wouldn't be having a bridal party at all, since I wouldn't be a bride anymore. However, in the event that you decide to continue having a bridal party: I wouldn't promote someone to MOH, nor would I harass my bridesmaids. Their only job is to get the dress and show up.  
    image
  • "Getting the dress and showing up" is exactly what the BM in question isn't talking to me about. She won't tell me if she'll be available, she won't give me feedback on the dresses that have been picked out, she won't talk to me at all.
  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2013
    Well, like AlliBear said, this wouldn't be an issue if you just didn't have a bridal party for your vow renewal. 

    She really just needs to give you her measurements and then order it. Don't keep asking her opinion on junk. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer and the bride drove me nuts because she sent me pictures all the time. I didn't respond half the time because I really just didn't care what the dress was for the most part.Have you talked to this girl about anything OTHER than vowel renewal stuff lately?

     Just tell her you need information from her by X date. If she doesn't ever get back to you, she's taken herself out of the celebration. Again though, you should not be having a bridal party at all...since you aren't a bride.
     
    image
  • Ok, since you are all SO FOCUSED on this being a vow renewal, I'll rephrase it so you can all understand.

    My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

    Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do?
  • The BM in the second question also doesn't really respond to ANYTHING. In general. IDK if she's just not chatty online or through text, or what's going on with her.
  • Seriously, OP? You came to a public forum. 

    Trust me, people will talk behind your back. Go ahead and have your princess day, but you're not fooling anyone. 

    RetreadBride[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • Dude, I even gave you advice on what to do, but you're still all upset. I was trying to help you but still let you know that your idea was a poor one. 
    image
    RetreadBrideAllieBear725PrettyGirlLost
  • scribe95 said:
    I think your bridesmaids are making a statement on your vow renewal without saying it to your face. It's not a priority for them - ESPECIALLY since it's not a freaking wedding and you are treating it like one.
    This. Absolutely this. They're not getting back to you because they think it's a crappy idea but they're too nice to tell you to your face. We're not too nice. We will straight-up tell you, 'This is a bad idea, don't do it.'
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    RetreadBridedaveANDkristen[Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Eye to Eye, Mercedes.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • First of all, I want to say that I absolutely agree with everyone else about why your friends aren't prioritizing this- I know I wouldn't want to spend a bunch of money to be a bridesmaid in something that wasn't my friend's real wedding.  I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy and thrilled to attend and support them, but I wouldn't spend a bunch of money on it, either.  That's why there typically isn't a bridal party for a vow renewal.  It's kind of unfair to ask of the people you love.

    That said, if you insist on doing this and your friends are on board, don't replace your MOH.  You should not ask another BM to step in, and you certainly shouldn't ask a completely new friend- it'll make it look to your MOH like you think you just wanted her there as a prop, not because she's important to you.  If she's not replacable in your life, she shouldn't be replaceable in your wedding.  Or, vow renewal, I guess.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • @stagemanager14 I was thinking the same thing yesterday. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    [Deleted User]
  • JackyDH said:
    Ok, since you are all SO FOCUSED on this being a vow renewal, I'll rephrase it so you can all understand.

    My Maid of Honor, with whom I have been friends since middle school, isn't able to be in my ceremony. I have wedding colors and dresses picked out, but none of them are bought. My Maid of Honor is in the Air Force and said that she can't plan on being in the wedding because of the deployment schedule; she doesn't know if she will be available or not on our date and can't schedule leave during a deployment block. Should I ask one of my other BMs to be MoH or ask another friend to fill in?

    Also, one of my BMs said she would be honored to be a BM, but won't reply to my texts or FB messages about BM stuff. I really want her to be a bridesmaid but she's not communicating. What should I do?

    PPs have done a good job responding to you so far, so I'll leave that alone.

    I'd just like to point out that you didn't "rephrase" anything.  You just wrote the same exact thing because you thought we were too dense to "understand" it the first time.

    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • @wittykitty14, actually she did. She took out the words "vow renewal". Because, you know, that will totally make us forget the first post.

    Crap, my bad.  So it's ALMOST identical.  And of course, OP changing that one thing will completely change our advice.
    harper0813[Deleted User]
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    JackyDH said:

    The BM in the second question also doesn't really respond to ANYTHING. In general. IDK if she's just not chatty online or through text, or what's going on with her.

    I just wanted to respond to this. If she's one of yor best friends, don't you know how she likes to be contacted? That seems like a big deal in a close friendship.

    Also, you could call her.
    daveANDkristenPrettyGirlLostgolden1215
  • At a vow renewal, you are a wife and not a bride. That's probably why your bridesmaid isn't putting priority toward your wedding vow renewal.
  • Sorry, I guess I'm in the wrong. I guess it's now considered WRONG to not have the money for a big wedding. I guess it's now WRONG to want to give OOT friends and family more notice so they have time to plan vacation time to come to your wedding. I guess it's also WRONG to want your friends included in your wedding. Since we couldn't do that this year, we're doing it a year from now. Yes, I'm not reciting traditional vows that normal brides recite because I'm already married, so we're renewing our vows. That doesn't make this celebration any less important. My friends and family weren't able to come and celebrate with us, and they want to very much. Does it really matter if it's a year from our wedding date or not? I thought you people were nicer and a bit more understanding of people's situations. I guess not. I figured a short vow renewal ceremony and then a nice, BBQ style reception with some music and great food would be just what the occasion called for, because it isn't a wedding. It's a vow renewal ceremony and party. It's just easier to say wedding. Sorry that the semantics are so important. Yes, I'll be wearing a big beautiful gown because I didn't get to on my wedding day. I think I deserve a gorgeous dress. My husband can wear a regular suit, or just nice slacks and a dress shirt for all I care. I couldn't care less for gifts! We don't need gifts, we'll already have everything we need. I just want a beautiful wedding, which I never got. I never got the pictures, the memories, the first dance, or the cake. Everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, no matter if it's on their wedding day or their anniversary. But I guess all of you already had your own perfect days, so you can't be bothered to care about anyone else's feelings in this regard.

    So you all enjoy your perfect, fairytale, dream weddings. I guess my husband and I don't deserve that.
    [Deleted User]Robin19124
  • If I had been married in a courthouse because of a lack of money, and then had my big ceremony for family and friends a year later, would you still be making a big stink?
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    JackyDH said:
    If I had been married in a courthouse because of a lack of money, and then had my big ceremony for family and friends a year later, would you still be making a big stink?
    How is that different than what you are doing?

    The problem is that you're pretending this is a wedding, when it isn't.  You are already married.  It is physically impossible for you to have a wedding.  Pretending with a big dress and a wedding party is just childish.  If what you truly want is to celebrate with family and friends, throw a kick ass anniversary party.  A do over ceremony is about attention.  
    PrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • JackyDH said:
    If I had been married in a courthouse because of a lack of money, and then had my big ceremony for family and friends a year later, would you still be making a big stink?
    I don't think anyone is making a big stink.  They are simply letting you know that what you are planning goes against vow renewal etiquette. I think the BBQ style celebration sounds like a good time, but I don't see what the point of having attendants is.  You are already married, you don't need friends to stand up with you to renew your vows.  I think someone already stated that your friends are speaking volumes by not making this a priority or responding to you - and just because they haven't come out and said it to your face, doesn't mean that they aren't thinking it behind your back... I know I certainly wouldn't want to take part in this, but I wouldn't want to hurt a friend at the same time. 

    Have a great vow renewal, celebrate with your friends and family - but you don't "deserve" a big dress or a traditional wedding when you are already married - no one deserves those things. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • edited August 2013
    Post removed due to GBCK
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

    harper0813PrettyGirlLostgolden1215

  • JackyDH said:

    Sorry, I guess I'm in the wrong. I guess it's now considered WRONG to not have the money for a big wedding. I guess it's now WRONG to want to give OOT friends and family more notice so they have time to plan vacation time to come to your wedding. I guess it's also WRONG to want your friends included in your wedding. Since we couldn't do that this year, we're doing it a year from now. Yes, I'm not reciting traditional vows that normal brides recite because I'm already married, so we're renewing our vows. That doesn't make this celebration any less important. My friends and family weren't able to come and celebrate with us, and they want to very much. Does it really matter if it's a year from our wedding date or not? I thought you people were nicer and a bit more understanding of people's situations. I guess not. I figured a short vow renewal ceremony and then a nice, BBQ style reception with some music and great food would be just what the occasion called for, because it isn't a wedding. It's a vow renewal ceremony and party. It's just easier to say wedding. Sorry that the semantics are so important. Yes, I'll be wearing a big beautiful gown because I didn't get to on my wedding day. I think I deserve a gorgeous dress. My husband can wear a regular suit, or just nice slacks and a dress shirt for all I care. I couldn't care less for gifts! We don't need gifts, we'll already have everything we need. I just want a beautiful wedding, which I never got. I never got the pictures, the memories, the first dance, or the cake. Everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, no matter if it's on their wedding day or their anniversary. But I guess all of you already had your own perfect days, so you can't be bothered to care about anyone else's feelings in this regard.

    So you all enjoy your perfect, fairytale, dream weddings. I guess my husband and I don't deserve that.

    No one deserves a big white dress, fancy wedding, or a cake, or fancy photographers, or wearing a suit at their wedding. Those are not rights we have as citizens. We have the right to freedom of speech, freedom of religion, etc. You know all those things you learned about in HS history class. No one has a right to an expensive, over-the-top wedding where the bride gets to wear a huge dress. Sorry, but no.

    Those are CHOICES that we, as adults, can make if we can afford it. If we can't, we have options. We can choose to wait and marry later so we can afford it OR we can choose to marry sooner and forego the fancy dress and big party. As adults, we make choices but choices have consequences. You chose to get married in a small ceremony sooner, which is great, but now you can't go back and say you DESERVE the big dress. No you don't. Nobody does. You can choose to have it if it's something you can afford. If not, you don't have it. I would love to go on an African safari, too. But I don't deserve it. And because I currently can't afford it, I'm not going to bitch about, but rather save my money so I can eventually take that trip. I am also foregoing other trips in the meantime that would cost a chunk of money because the more of those I take, the longer until I get to Africa. Same situation.

    It sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. Seriously. Have a celebration of your marriage at the one year mark, invite all your friends, have a DJ or band, great food, booze, etc. but don't pretend it's a wedding by having a WP, huge dress, etc. You said you want your friends and family to be able to celebrate with you. OK great. That's what parties are for--celebrating. Shouldn't be a problem then.


    Every single word of this.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards