Wedding Etiquette Forum

Unasking bridesmaids

Hi everyone,

I'm recently engaged and starting the planning process. I've asked three of my younger cousins (ages 14, and 11) to be junior bridesmaids in my wedding. We're very close and my fiance and I would love to have them there. Now that we're beginning the planning process, we are beginning to see how much things are actually going to cost. I feel awful about unasking them, as we're close and they're excited but it would save a lot of money on flowers and gifts if we had less people in the bridal party. I know I should have waited before asking them...

What do you guys think? Is it improper to unask them? The one thing that we could say is that a lot of the groomsmen are a lot older than them, so we don't want anyone to be uncomfortable but I still feel awful because I don't want them to be hurt

Thank you

J
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Re: Unasking bridesmaids

  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    It is improper to kick them out of your bridal party. They'll be crushed, especially at that age.
    PrettyGirlLostjendemeyer
  • I'm sorry but you can't uninvite anyone to be in your wedding party. I'd suggest looking at smaller bridesmaids bouquets, and their gifts don't need to be huge.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Do not unask them. How would you feel if a close friend or family member did this? "I'm sorry I jumped the gun and asked you to be a bm but you really can't be a bm bc I can't afford it?" Don't use the groomsmen as an excuse bc this is a lie.


    At the point do not add anyone else to your bridal party. Gifts don't have to be expensive or fancy as long as they are something the girls will Love and comes from the heart. I'd be happy with a $10 gift if I knew the bride put thought into it.

    Find other places to cut costs. Skip favors, DIY some of your own decor or keep the RD simple. Backyard BBQ or pizza at your house. There are tons of ways to ways to do it.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Do you have any idea how crushed these girls would be? You can't un-ask them. And don't lie to them about the groomsmens' ages. That's total BS and they'll know it. I was a bridesmaid at 15 in one of my sister's wedding, and I'm fairly certain that my GM escort was in his 30's. I held onto his arm for all of the 20 seconds it took to walk down the aisle. 

    Give them clutches or fake flowers to hold. Their gifts can be small. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostjendemeyer
  • Hi everyone,


    I'm recently engaged and starting the planning process. I've asked three of my younger cousins (ages 14, and 11) to be junior bridesmaids in my wedding. We're very close and my fiance and I would love to have them there. Now that we're beginning the planning process, we are beginning to see how much things are actually going to cost. I feel awful about unasking them, as we're close and they're excited but it would save a lot of money on flowers and gifts if we had less people in the bridal party. I know I should have waited before asking them...

    What do you guys think? Is it improper to unask them? The one thing that we could say is that a lot of the groomsmen are a lot older than them, so we don't want anyone to be uncomfortable but I still feel awful because I don't want them to be hurt

    Thank you

    J
    I agree, there is no way to "unask" them. I would cut almost anything else out of your budget before doing this. See if you can cut corners in other areas to budget for their gifts and flowers. Maybe DIY the bouquets, or look into ordering them from Costco or Sam's club. Gifts don't have to be huge either; it could be $20 giftcards to each of their favorite stores.

    I wouldn't worry about the GM being older. They will be fine for a quick walk down the aisle, or you could have the BMs and GM walk alternate walking out alone.
  • It will hurt their feelings greatly. Cut costs elsewhere - IMHO, the cost of losing relationships is far greater than the cost of flowers and gifts.

    Skip favors, do silk flowers, hire a singular photographer w/o an assistant, provide a beer/wine only bar, have a small display cake and a sheet cake in the kitchen.

    Also, their gifts don't have to be big and expensive - make them meaningful.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks everyone, I wasn't going to "unask" them, it was a suggestion brought up to me. My fiance and I both feel they need to be there and wouldn't feel right unasking them. I hadn't thought of gift cards or something smaller as gifts for them. I will look into it!

    Thanks!
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    Thanks everyone, I wasn't going to "unask" them, it was a suggestion brought up to me. My fiance and I both feel they need to be there and wouldn't feel right unasking them. I hadn't thought of gift cards or something smaller as gifts for them. I will look into it!


    Thanks!
    I'm genuinely curious, if you had no plans of unasking them, why bring up the question?
    [Deleted User]polly212
  • Their job is to show up on time in a dress you pick, so don't worry too much about cost. All you have to do is ask their parents what their budget is for a dress (I assume their parents will foot this bill) and take it from there. If you are offering to pay for their attire, David's Bridal has reasonable dresses. You also don't have to get something from a bridal shop - get something on sale at Macy's and use a coupon. 
    *********************************************************************************

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  • Look into all other alternatives (smaller budget, silk flowers, etc) before the option of emotionally squashing a teenaged girl.  They take rejection 100 times more seriously at that age than at any other.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

    PrettyGirlLost
  • NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONOOO! 

    NO! 

    1. It's rude. 

    2. That's not an excuse to ask a bridal party member to step down. 

    3. Do  YOU remember being either of those ages? I do. Doing this could hurt them in more ways than anyone is prepared to admit. 

    4. The groomsmen thing is a terrible excuse. The last time I was a bridesmaid, I was 22, and I walked with an 11-year-old. 

    Get smaller bouquets and less-expensive gifts. It's not these girls' fault that you made a mistake; don't make them pay for it. 
  • Ditto PPs. I would be horrified at that age, especially. 
  • Everyone seriously needs to relax. The suggestion was brought to us, and I nixed it. I was simply asking in case we absolutely had to consider it. It wasn't an excuse, the groomsmen ARE older than they are by quite a large difference. I admit, perhaps we should have waited before asking them.

    I'm not trying to be rude, but this board is supposed to be a community of people helping each other. There's no need for snippy, rude comments.

  • Jacqueline - i get it, you're just weighing options. This IS the right place! Enough people have said don't unask them, so it's not worth repeating.

    Definitely silk floweres would be fine - and then they can save them and show their friends. And maybe a nice picture frame, where they can frame a shot from the wedding? That could be inexpensive and cool for a kid who probably doesn't have a nice photo on her dresser yet. Good luck! I feel your pain, I got arm twisted into buying my flower girl a ridiculously expensive gift, because her mother got me a great deal on the BM gifts and was with me when that same vendor was like, "i have something perfect for the flower girl!"

  • I'm glad you nixed the idea!  You will be so glad that you did in the long run.  

    Your OP did make it sound like the idea came from you, not like it was somebody else's.  People weren't being rude, just really driving home the point that this isn't a good idea.  Personally, I've really come to value the honest advice I can get here; in my real life, everyone keeps telling me "It's your day!  Whatever makes you happy!"  Here in the anonymity of the internet, we can find out what everybody is REALLY thinking.  
  • Everyone seriously needs to relax. The suggestion was brought to us, and I nixed it. I was simply asking in case we absolutely had to consider it. It wasn't an excuse, the groomsmen ARE older than they are by quite a large difference. I admit, perhaps we should have waited before asking them.


    I'm not trying to be rude, but this board is supposed to be a community of people helping each other. There's no need for snippy, rude comments.

    We are trying to help you. Your family situation would be tense and potentially aweful for years if you do what you were considering. It's not worth trading that for some kind of asthetic for 15 minutes.
    If you are concerned about them walking togwther, have the BMs and GMs enter and process seperately. It allows for good solo shots of each person.

    Consider how people actually involved in the situation will react if a bunch of internet strangers are so horrified by the idea of kicking out your BMs.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • Your question was, "Is it improper to unask them?"

    The answer is yes.
    Don't be upset when the posters here are telling you the truth.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Thanks everyone, I wasn't going to "unask" them, it was a suggestion brought up to me. My fiance and I both feel they need to be there and wouldn't feel right unasking them. I hadn't thought of gift cards or something smaller as gifts for them. I will look into it!

    Thanks!
    I'm not trying to be nitpicky, but you say smaller presents for "them" and I"m hoping you mean the entire bridal party and not just these girls. In theory they are doing the same job as the other bridesmaids and shouldn't be given something less just because you are calling them "junior" bridesmaids.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Since you (rightly) are no longer considering kicking them out of the wedding party, here are some cost saving tips that will make it cheaper to include everyone:

    - For BM bouquets there are tons of options: 1. buy flowers in bulk and make them yourself  2. buy fake flowers and make yourself  3. use a statement flower and have each BM carry a single one (calla lily, gerbera daisy, etc)  4. make bouquet out of non-flower items (button bouquet, tissue paper flowers, etc).

    - For BM gifts, you don't have to do anything expensive.  The point is to thank each girl for their support and participation in your wedding, so as long as it's something thoughtful and personal, you can still find something within your budget.  Gift cards and a hand-written note can be just fine (though I'd still try to find an actual gift for each girl if you can).
    Anniversary
    PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hi everyone,

    I'm recently engaged and starting the planning process. I've asked three of my younger cousins (ages 14, and 11) to be junior bridesmaids in my wedding. We're very close and my fiance and I would love to have them there. Now that we're beginning the planning process, we are beginning to see how much things are actually going to cost. I feel awful about unasking them, as we're close and they're excited but it would save a lot of money on flowers and gifts if we had less people in the bridal party. I know I should have waited before asking them...

    What do you guys think? Is it improper to unask them? The one thing that we could say is that a lot of the groomsmen are a lot older than them, so we don't want anyone to be uncomfortable but I still feel awful because I don't want them to be hurt

    Thank you

    J
    image

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • How many people are in your wedding party?
    imageimage
  • Yeah, it would be terrible to uninvited them. You can't do that without hurting them deeply and doing significant damage to your relationship. Just cut back significantly on their flowers. Maybe give each girl one gerber daisy....-or- skip flowers and do purses or a fan.

     I trump all the Kitties with cuteness!!! Bhahahahaha!!!

    image
  • Noooo. You can't uninvite them. They would be CRUSHED. Shuffle around your budget in other places. Get more cost-friendly 'in season' flowers, do small bouquets, etc.. Make cuts else where... but DON'T kick out the youngest bridesmaids. They'll be devastated. 

    There's a Maya Angelou quote that says something like... In situations like this, it particularily holds true, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

    Those young women, for their whole lives, will remember how you made them FEEL when you univited them to be bridesmaids (aka- kicked them out of your wedding). 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    Not my wedding... but I fail to see how cutting three bouquets and BM gifts would tip the scales as far as your budget concerns.
    In addition to the great suggestions PPs have given about the bridesmaids' items, you should definitely look to the rest of your wedding budget and where you could cut corners there before crushing your cousins.
    I know if I were one of the cousins, and I got kicked out of the wedding party for budget reasons and then went to the wedding and saw pretty much any kind of frill (open liquor bar instead of open beer & wine... expensive center pieces... designer wedding dress... fancy pants cake... photobooth etc etc) I would realize you chose to spend money on having a fancier wedding rather than keeping your promise to me. I'd be pissed. And I bet my parents would be pissed. Breaking a promise and choosing the "wedding vision" over family isn't cool.

    So you can't cut your cousins as bridesmaids.
    But even if you could (which you can't), unless your wedding is already bare bones, there are soooo many other things you would need to look to cut first before ever removing the BM bouquets & gifts (and therefore, the BMs)
  • Thanks everyone, I wasn't going to "unask" them, it was a suggestion brought up to me. My fiance and I both feel they need to be there and wouldn't feel right unasking them. I hadn't thought of gift cards or something smaller as gifts for them. I will look into it!

    Thanks!
    Please tell me you aren't thinking of getting them smaller gifts than you get for all of your other attendants.  That would be a real snub and incredibly rude.
    KittenTrumper
  • I agree with PPs who said that that kicking out girls at that age would be devastating to them. 
  • kmmssg said:
    Thanks everyone, I wasn't going to "unask" them, it was a suggestion brought up to me. My fiance and I both feel they need to be there and wouldn't feel right unasking them. I hadn't thought of gift cards or something smaller as gifts for them. I will look into it!

    Thanks!
    Please tell me you aren't thinking of getting them smaller gifts than you get for all of your other attendants.  That would be a real snub and incredibly rude.
    Yeah, I agree. When I said "Their gifts can be small," I was referring to the ENTIRE wedding party. Not just these two girls. 
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    KittenTrumper
  • hmmm i'm surprised by these last answers, I definitely would not buy an 11 year old the same gift as a 30-year-old, especialyl since I douby 11 and 14 year old are doing the same thigns for the bride that the adult bridesmaids are doing. I got my flower girl a version of the pearl necklaces I'm buying my BMs, and it's beautiful, but also age-appropriate. and if she was a little older and in the wedding, same thing. She's certainly not throwing my shower and bachelorette parties, coming to fittings, booking expensive hotel rooms, calming me down through panics, etc.
  • (and no, the necklaces are not for the wedding)
  • hmmm i'm surprised by these last answers, I definitely would not buy an 11 year old the same gift as a 30-year-old, especialyl since I douby 11 and 14 year old are doing the same thigns for the bride that the adult bridesmaids are doing. I got my flower girl a version of the pearl necklaces I'm buying my BMs, and it's beautiful, but also age-appropriate. and if she was a little older and in the wedding, same thing. She's certainly not throwing my shower and bachelorette parties, coming to fittings, booking expensive hotel rooms, calming me down through panics, etc.
    No one said they had to be the same gift. You're supposed to shop like it's their birthday - you likely wouldn't buy a 14 year old and a 30 year old the same thing for their respective birthdays. 

    Also, you shouldn't be buying bridesmaid gifts based on how much they help you, no matter their ages. Buy them a gift because they agreed to spend time and money to watch you get married. 
    image
    jendemeyer
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