Wedding Etiquette Forum

MOH and BM just got engaged, getting married right before us. Need some perspective!

My sister and best friend is my maid of honor. My fiance's best man has been dating my MOH for almost as long as I have been with fiance, and they just got engaged, a few months after us. I am honestly thrilled. I couldn't be happier for her. They have been planning on doing their wedding next year, a year before ours...But this morning I got a text from my MOH that she and our BM are going to wait until the year we get married, 4 months before us. I was gracious and supportive and said we would make it work. I originally didn't think this would be an issue. But I see a few conflicts and I am starting to get worried..

My dad (her stepfather) is retiring the same month of my wedding, and planned on helping us both out with our weddings. Not a lot, but what he could. I am a little frustrated with her for not considering the financial burden this may put on him, as well as the amount we both may lose towards our respective weddings because they are choosing to push theirs closer to ours.

I also planned my wedding for 2015 for one main reason, I am a full time student in nursing school. There is no way I can focus on a wedding in the midst of my education--it would just be way too much. So moving my wedding to better accommodate both couples would not be all too convenient (unless I push mine back which I'd rather not do..anyone seen 5 year engagement?)  This also may conflict with my wedding planning... I am getting all the big planning out of the way before I start with 22 credits this fall, and getting little by little done when I have breaks over the next 2 years. I am going low budget, so much of my wedding is diy and will take some time...not all thrown together with a phone call and a check. So when I graduate in May, I planned on started my wedding planning crunch time..but now I will be postponed until her big day is over in June since I am one of the bridesmaids. And can I expect her to still plan things that the MOH takes care of with her wedding within months of mine?

My fiance is upset and wants to confront his BM about it, I told him to hold off and let me clear my head to figure this out. I just need a little perspective on how to approach this.

Thanks ladies
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Re: MOH and BM just got engaged, getting married right before us. Need some perspective!

  • She can get married when she wants, you get married when you want.  No one is required  to give you any financial help for your wedding.  Take what is offered and be grateful.  You have plenty of time to save up what you need, or cut the budget as needed. I'm not sure what the problem is.  
  • You each get one day and your parents don't have to pay for your wedding. Save up the money you can and have the best wedding you and your FI can. If you are concerned about similar weddings, dont share details..and being her BM does not mean you need to devote your time to her wedding until she gets married. 
    Anniversary
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  • And, the only responsibility you have to each other's weddings is to get the dress and show up wearing it the day of, so I'm not sure what you're talking about on everything else. 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    bnrandall said:
    My sister and best friend is my maid of honor. My fiance's best man has been dating my MOH for almost as long as I have been with fiance, and they just got engaged, a few months after us. I am honestly thrilled. I couldn't be happier for her. They have been planning on doing their wedding next year, a year before ours...But this morning I got a text from my MOH that she and our BM are going to wait until the year we get married, 4 months before us. I was gracious and supportive and said we would make it work. I originally didn't think this would be an issue. But I see a few conflicts and I am starting to get worried..

    My dad (her stepfather) is retiring the same month of my wedding, and planned on helping us both out with our weddings. Not a lot, but what he could. I am a little frustrated with her for not considering the financial burden this may put on him, as well as the amount we both may lose towards our respective weddings because they are choosing to push theirs closer to ours.

    I also planned my wedding for 2015 for one main reason, I am a full time student in nursing school. There is no way I can focus on a wedding in the midst of my education--it would just be way too much. So moving my wedding to better accommodate both couples would not be all too convenient (unless I push mine back which I'd rather not do..anyone seen 5 year engagement?)  This also may conflict with my wedding planning... I am getting all the big planning out of the way before I start with 22 credits this fall, and getting little by little done when I have breaks over the next 2 years. I am going low budget, so much of my wedding is diy and will take some time...not all thrown together with a phone call and a check. So when I graduate in May, I planned on started my wedding planning crunch time..but now I will be postponed until her big day is over in June since I am one of the bridesmaids. And can I expect her to still plan things that the MOH takes care of with her wedding within months of mine?

    My fiance is upset and wants to confront his BM about it, I told him to hold off and let me clear my head to figure this out. I just need a little perspective on how to approach this.

    Thanks ladies

    I know you probably don't intend it... but your "concerns" about your father's money come off as super greedy.
    He is a grown man and will contribute what he thinks he can afford. Her having a wedding 4 months apart from yours is not something against him. She did nothing wrong by him.
    And no one is required to pay for your wedding besides you and your FI. Any money you get from your father should be greatly appreciated. And maybe it WILL be less than you would have gotten had your sister not chosen that as a wedding day; but that's life. It was never your money to begin with, so while you can take just a moment to be disappointed, you need to immediately get over it, not dwell on it or talk about it, and be super grateful for any financial help you do get.

    You do not need to move your wedding. Four months apart is huge. That's a whole season. If you're really saying 4 months apart is too soon then that's 8 months out of 2014 that you essentially don't think your sister should be allowed to get married. No. You get ONE day. Your sister gets one day. And those days happen to be four months apart which for most guests is plenty of time to save up for travel / make arrangements for taking off work, etc.

    Under NO circumstances should your FI talk to the BM about this. You get one day. You may not monopolize the entire year of 2014. It is completely unfair and unreasonable.

    I know you are worried about being too busy to help her with her wedding now, but the beauty of being a bridesmaid is that your only responsibility is to buy the dress, show up on time at the wedding and smile for pictures. You only have to help your sister as much as you are able, and she will have to understand that as she did plan her wedding for a time you are busy.

    You are making a big deal out of something quite trivial.

    ETA:
    Oh, it's 2015? Then this is even smaller a problem. Unless you're talking a completely gianmorous wedding this is lots and lots and lots of time to do DIY, find deals and to save up. Even as busy as you are. You just have to make your wedding your wedding one of your next biggest priorities.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2013
    double post
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2013
    It's awesome that your dad wants to help both of you out with your weddings but you are in no way entitled to that money. Don't pretend you are upset because of the "financial burden this may put on him" you want more money for your wedding and see this as a reason you might get less. It's selfish. Be gracious about ANY amount of help he is willing to give you.

    There is no reason for you to post-pone your wedding planning until hers is over. As a BM you will contribute what you can financially and time-wise but there is no need to put your own life on hold. Your only responsibility as a BM is to get the dress and show up on time the day of the wedding - the same goes for her.

    You absolutely cannot ask them to move their wedding. So switch your perspective to one of being excited you get to plan and go through this happy experience with your best friend and forget you ever thought any of this.


  • vk2204vk2204 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper

    I got married in April. One of my BM's is getting married in June. Neither of us had to put our wedding stuff on hold for the other person - heck we were each other's go to's because we were going through the same thing together. So saying that you can't even plan your wedding until after your sister is married is silly to me.

    You get one day. Not a whole year.

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  • I think it will all work out fine.  You were right to clear your head before saying anything! 

    Your dad will, I'm sure, offer what he can afford to both of your weddings, no more.  That is his choice.  Just don't make plans for the money until you have it in hand and everything will work out okay there.

    As for the timing, as someone currently about two months out, four months is a pretty long time.  Remember, although it sounds like you want to do some MOH "duties" for your sister, all you are required to do is stand up with her on the day of in the chosen dress.  You shouldn't have to put your own wedding planning and DIY projects aside to help with hers.  Hey, maybe if you are both doing a lot of DIY you can get together to work on projects with a glass of wine.  But, her wedding coming first in no way means you have to put aside your own stuff until after your sister's wedding.  Your wedding is your responsibility, her's is hers.

    You are not obligated to organize any pre-wedding parties for her if you can't swing it between school and your own wedding.  Or, if you want to, it is fine to make them simple and small.  I'm in school right now too, and if I was somebody's MOH this summer any pre-wedding parties I hosted would be fun, but simple and low-key.  If somebody else wanted to take the lead, I would let them.  

    Good luck, exhale, and try to be happy for her!  It will be an exciting few months for your family.  
  • You sound immature and ridiculous. 
  • I know it can be a shock when you're planning your own wedding and something pops up that might seem like a hurdle - but this REALLY isn't. My brother decided to get married a month before me, and for a minute i was like, WHAT? and then I calmed down, because the saying is true - it's your DAY. not your year. Re: the finances, if your Dad is retiring, at this point his funds are finite. It doesn't matter when your sister gets married, there is no money tree that can re-grow.

    DO NOT say anything about this, because although i'm totally sympathetic to a little stress this might cause, you're point of view is just not correct. Also, you're getting married in like a decade. Trust me, much more complicated things will come up between now and then. Once you're REALLY planning all the details, a wedding four months before yours will not be a big deal.

  • This is honestly no big deal. Your dad will offer what he can afford and you will be lucky to receive it! He isn't obligated to pay for your wedding at all. 

    You can take this as an opportunity to be excited about your weddings together - if you're both doing DIY projects, meet up over some wine and get 'em done together! Help each other out - it'll make the whole thing more fun. 


  • Brother got married in April. I'm getting married in June. We are each other's "honor" attendant. Parents contributed to both as much as they could. Neither of us turned it into drama. You sound... entitled. You can't be Queen of the May Show for the entire length of your engagement. You get a day.
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  • edited June 2013
    Liatris2010, aurianna- OP, this is all spot on advice.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • This really shouldn't matter, and you should just be happy for your sister and FBIL. It's nice that your father is contributing to both of your events, but you have so much time. If the wedding isn't until 2015, then you should save for your own wedding and then it won't matter if he contributes or not.

    Each couple gets one day. Not one year, one month, or heck, even a weekend. One day. It will all be fine.
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  • You each have the right to get married when you please. And no one is required to give you money to fund your wedding. If your dad can and wants to swing it, it's up to him.
  •  - No one needs be under any "financial burden" to contribute to your wedding. You want a wedding, you pay for it. You have 2 years for you and FI to save. Even if you both sock away only $200/mo until the wedding, you'll have almost $10K! If you're truly worried about what a financial burden this will be on your step-dad, refuse the any money he offers. Simple. If you take his money, you can't say you're that worried about it.

    - Neither you as your sister's BM nor your sister as your MOH need to "take care of" planning anything for each other. Neither of you have any obligations other than to show up on time in your bridesmaid dresses for each other's weddings. Problem solved.

    - You have plenty of time to DIY. A 2 year engagement is any DIYer's dream. If I had a 2 year engagement, my wedding would be a hell of a lot cuter than it's going to be. :)

    - NOT ok to confront anyone about getting married within 4 months of you - whether it's your WP members, your sister, whoever. NOT ok. It sounds like you have nothing planned or booked, so if it's going to bother you this much for the next 2 years, move your wedding date.

    Short story: You're fine. This is not a big deal. 
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  • PPs have nailed it, but I just wanted to add - how does her having her wedding 8 months *later* than originally planned change your dad's financial contribution at all?  Not that you're entitled to ANY money from your father (which it sounds like you think you are), but her wedding was always going to be before yours so your dad's ability (and desire) to contribute to both won't have changed at all.
  • I think that after you've had a day or two to process this it won't seem like such a big deal.  Everyone has to pick the time that works best for them--I would side-eye your sister if they picked a date within a week or two of your wedding, but four months is plenty of time for each of you to get the attention you deserve.

    If you or your fiance say anything, you'll look selfish.  Don't let that happen.  :)

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  • I think its great you came here first to vent and think it through so good job!

     

    FI and I have a long engagement (18 mo) and because of that family members and friends have gotten engaged and married before us, but that's what happens when you choose a date so far in the future, imagine if everyone has to space their weddings out a year + to be considerate of their friends and family? Then no one would ever get married! I agree its more sensative as its your sister, and I don't blame you at all for the initial response of "what the...?!" but as the PP have said above.... 4 months its more time then you think!

     

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  • I understand being a little frustrated at first. It's how you feel and you can't change that. So give yourself a day, then get over it. You get one day to get married and your MOH gets one day to get married. 4 months between is quite awhile too, so I'm not sure why you're worrying about that. My FBIL is getting married 3 weeks after me and FI. It's not a big deal. Your dad will offer whatever he feels comfortable with and planning a shower and a b-party aren't exactly difficult. You'll be able to plan hers and she'll be able to plan yours if you both choose to do so. Take a deep breath.
  • To be clear, I do not feel entitled to ANY financial assistance or money. In fact, my FI and I planned on paying for our wedding on our own from day one. My father said he wanted to help. Every book, and piece on wedding advice I read says one of the first steps to planning your wedding is "discuss and know your budget", which I am attempting to keep under control since it's not a big one and I have already booked my caterer and venue.  I in no way, shape, or form asked or am asking for him to pay for anything.

    I don't expect her to not get married until after we do, like I originally posted, I am thrilled and thought nothing of it!

    Thank you for the kind words and input. I appreciate the clarity
  • Agree with PPs, and depending on your family the weddings being close-ish together may help out. A friend of mine happened to get married to her H one week after her BIL was married, and it saved them a lot of over-eager family over-involvement from that side. She loved that her MIL was less obsessed with their planning since she had two to talk about.
  • kathrynrfkathrynrf member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited June 2013
  • kathrynrfkathrynrf member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited June 2013
    . I am a little frustrated with her for not considering the financial burden this may put on him, as well as the amount we both may lose towards our respective weddings because they are choosing to push theirs closer to ours.

    It sounds like you are concerned about loosing money. Also, I don't think she is considering the financial burden, because she probably isn't thinking that she is entitled to any money, and that she will get what she gets. if your father has already given you an idea of how much he thinks he should give, and you think that is going to change, someone should get a second job to cover the difference. Or, you can cut back somewhere (dress, flowers, etc) to cover what you won't be getting anymore. 

    The wedding is in 2015? You have plenty of time to plan your wedding and to save up money. 
  • I just told my dad I didn't want him to give us any money towards our wedding, we will handle it. I really only felt that way because of his retirement being that year. I was truly just concerned where he might put himself financially just to help with our weddings. But I took the previous advise and just said thank you, but no thank you.
  • I just told my dad I didn't want him to give us any money towards our wedding, we will handle it. I really only felt that way because of his retirement being that year. I was truly just concerned where he might put himself financially just to help with our weddings. But I took the previous advise and just said thank you, but no thank you.
  • How dare she get married when she chooses to, a whole 4 months before you! The nerve!

    Maybe you should move YOUR wedding to accommodate her. I wouldn't worry about what someone else plans to contribute to your wedding, or hers, that's his concern.
  • How dare she get married when she chooses to, a whole 4 months before you! The nerve!
    I wasn't sure if there was an etiquette for the MOH or BM to leave a certain amount of time in between. This wasn't on a selfish agenda, I haven't ever planned a wedding before and am not sure how much time an immediate family member should leave in between theirs and a siblings. In my shoes or hers, I would have wondered the same thing. Hence why I came here to ask, no need for snarky comments.

    Maybe you should move YOUR wedding to accommodate her. I wouldn't worry about what someone else plans to contribute to your wedding, or hers, that's his concern.
    My wedding is already booked. And as stated in PPs, it's already been handled and I took everyone's advice. Thank you.


  • Nope, there's no etiquette for a MOH picking her wedding date. Well, except for the same day;)
    4 months is a bit of time. 
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