How would you handle this??

hlvonb

So long story short....

My FI and I went out for his birthday with some friends (who also happen to be in the bridal party). One of his friends who is a groomsman was hitting it off with a friend of mine who is a bridesmaid. Anyway, when my FI's friend and I were outside talking he asked if I would give him a honest answer about something. I said sure. He then asked me "so what are my chances of F**king that broad tonight?" I was offended by this because I found it very disrespectful. Plus the girls in the bridal party are very close to me. I mean after all my own sister is not in the bridal party. Not knowing exactly what to do I told my FI and he said he would handle it. My FI told him that behavior and kind of talk is not acceptable and that he would have to apologize to me. 

I got a message from this guy on Facebook today and he did not apologize, made a joke of the situation and said he thinks there is an underline issue here. He is also the type of guy who uses the fact he is in the Army as an excuse for a lot of things.

I want to say something to him but I don't know what to say. My FI thinks it is time to say something to this guy myself too. 

What would you say to him. I want to let him know this was not ok by any stretch of the imagination but I don't know how because my FI was very stern when he talked to him.

hlvonb

My FI has already talked to him a 2nd time (after I got the message from the guy) and said that he needed to apologize and I have heard nothing. I know my FI should distance himself but that is kind of hard since the guy is a groomsman.

Simply Fated

His excuse is pretty lame.

Having said that, if I was in your position I wouldn't have been offended. He's just looking to get laid and at least he was being honest about that.

hlvonb

I was not offended at the fact he wanted to get laid. I was more so offended by what he said and how he was referring to one of my best friends. My FI and I do NOT tolerate this behavior and I believe my FI made that quite clear to this guy. I just feel like there is something I could or should do to show that I am backing up my FI in this situation....

hlvonb

That makes sense.

nextrightthing

At this point, I'd drop it.  Kicking him out of the BP is overkill, imo.  He apologized, and even though his apology sucked, it's probably all you are going to get from this dude.

 

 

nextrightthing

Wait, you're right, I misread.  He didn't apologize.

What a douche.  Personally I'd probably still let it go, let FI talk to him, and expect that after your wedding this guy won't be very close to you guys.

MoonlightSilver

I think from Groomsman POV, it was probably a really crappy apology. I'd drop the issue, but if he says anything inappropriate to you again, be prepared to straight up tell him it's inappropriate and you don't appreciate him talking like that. 

manateehugger

I answered you on "Wedding Party." Please put XP in your post title if you're going to post the same thing on multiple boards. 

misssunshine17

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

manateehugger

misssunshine17 said:

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

And FWIW I kind of think this too. Men say shitty things about women, not ok, but that's what they do. You lecturing him probably isn't going to do much except make him dislike you and make it awkward between him and your FI. 

Give some snarky response if he ever does it again and keep moving. 

ETA: I should have said some men. Certainly not all. 

AJuliaNJ

misssunshine17 said:

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

Agreed. I don't think he meant to offend anyone. I hear guys talk like this all the time. Also this is one of those situations that are best handled on the spot. You could have nicely said you do not tolerate people talking about your friends like that. You could have told him now that you knew his intent, you felt obligated to tell her. I think even something insulting like she would never be interested on you--bugger off --would work. But dwelling on this after the fact is probably not doing anyone any good. He gave you a half-assed apology because he's not really sorry. I don't think that will change. Hopefully he'll know his boundaries in the future.

manateehugger

HoorayForSoup said:

PDKH said:

misssunshine17 said:

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

And FWIW I kind of think this too. Men say shitty things about women, not ok, but that's what they do. You lecturing him probably isn't going to do much except make him dislike you and make it awkward between him and your FI. 

Give some snarky response if he ever does it again and keep moving. 

There are so many things wrong with this statement I don't even know where to start. 

First of all not all men say shitty things about women. Only the assholes do. 

Accepting that sort of behavior because of a "boys will be boys" mentality only reinforces the belief that it's excusable for men to treat women poorly because of their gender. 

Also in my mind the point isn't to get FI's friend to like her. It's to get FI's friend to treat her with the level of respect that OP and her FI think she deserves. Who the hell cares if some douchey friend doesn't like her? People who like you because you don't stand up for yourself and let them treat you poorly are not the kind of people whose approval you should be seeking. 

ETA: I see you edited your response. I still think it's problematic to make excuses for behavior based on gender, but don't have as much of a problem with what you said after the edit.

I'm sorry, why is this guy wanting to sleep with her friend a bad thing? If he got aggressive or lewd, yes, that's a bad thing. But it doesn't sound like he did. It sounds like he made one boneheaded comment and now he is being over-punished for it. Wanting to sleep with an attractive women and asking her friend about his chances? Not a bad thing. Unless we are going to start shaming people for wanting to have sex.  

No, she doesn't have to care if he doesn't like her. But lecturing him about wanting to hook up with her friend is ridiculous. She could have made this whole thing a non-issue by just saying something snarky like "Dude seriously? Considering you said something like that to me, your chances are probably zero." He would have realized the comment was unacceptable to her, hopefully backed off, and then everything would have moved on. Forcing an apology from him that is insincere gets everyone exactly nowhere. 

And yes, let's jump to conclusions that I let men treat me poorly because I don't think this guy did anything that wrong. I wont even counter that statement because it's ridiculous. 

And men AND women say shitty things about women. Is that better?

ETA: I had poor word choice above. "Shitty" should be interpreted as "sex-related comments." 

manateehugger

AndreaJulia said:

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

Agreed. I don't think he meant to offend anyone. I hear guys talk like this all the time. Also this is one of those situations that are best handled on the spot. You could have nicely said you do not tolerate people talking about your friends like that. You could have told him now that you knew his intent, you felt obligated to tell her. I think even something insulting like she would never be interested on you--bugger off --would work. But dwelling on this after the fact is probably not doing anyone any good. He gave you a half-assed apology because he's not really sorry. I don't think that will change. Hopefully he'll know his boundaries in the future.

THIS. Good Lord. 

manateehugger

You're right I inverted this all around and took it personally. "People who like you because you don't stand up for yourself and let them treat you poorly are not the kind of people whose approval you should be seeking."

My apologies. However, I still believe that he wasn't being that douchey. And by making such a big to-do about it, she's not going to earn herself any points. I tend to hope my FI's friends enjoy my company because my FI enjoys theirs. 

And for what it's worth, my FI does have a friend he knows I refuse to be around because he makes lewd sexual comments toward ME. So I understand what you are saying. But I just think she overreacted here and made a mountain out of a mole hill here, potentially causing upsets in friendships that didn't need to happen. 

HoorayForSoup said:

PDKH said:

HoorayForSoup said:

PDKH said:

misssunshine17 said:

I think you overreacted and it sounds like you are getting on his case about it, so I understand why he'd give a crappy apology. Roll your eyes and keep it moving.

And FWIW I kind of think this too. Men say shitty things about women, not ok, but that's what they do. You lecturing him probably isn't going to do much except make him dislike you and make it awkward between him and your FI. 

Give some snarky response if he ever does it again and keep moving. 

There are so many things wrong with this statement I don't even know where to start. 

First of all not all men say shitty things about women. Only the assholes do. 

Accepting that sort of behavior because of a "boys will be boys" mentality only reinforces the belief that it's excusable for men to treat women poorly because of their gender. 

Also in my mind the point isn't to get FI's friend to like her. It's to get FI's friend to treat her with the level of respect that OP and her FI think she deserves. Who the hell cares if some douchey friend doesn't like her? People who like you because you don't stand up for yourself and let them treat you poorly are not the kind of people whose approval you should be seeking. 

ETA: I see you edited your response. I still think it's problematic to make excuses for behavior based on gender, but don't have as much of a problem with what you said after the edit.

I'm sorry, why is this guy wanting to sleep with her friend a bad thing? If he got aggressive or lewd, yes, that's a bad thing. But it doesn't sound like he did. It sounds like he made one boneheaded comment and now he is being over-punished for it. Wanting to sleep with an attractive women and asking her friend about his chances? Not a bad thing. Unless we are going to start shaming people for wanting to have sex.  

No, she doesn't have to care if he doesn't like her. But lecturing him about wanting to hook up with her friend is ridiculous. She could have made this whole thing a non-issue by just saying something snarky like "Dude seriously? Considering you said something like that to me, your chances are probably zero." He would have realized the comment was unacceptable to her, hopefully backed off, and then everything would have moved on. Forcing an apology from him that is insincere gets everyone exactly nowhere. 

And yes, let's jump to conclusions that I let men treat me poorly because I don't think this guy did anything that wrong. I wont even counter that statement because it's ridiculous. 

And men AND women say shitty things about women. Is that better?

To the bolded I never said that or assumed that. You must have misunderstood my meaning somehwere in my post. 

I also never said that the guy wanting to sleep with her friend was a bad thing. I do think the way he went about bringing it up was dickish, but I wouldn't have been as insulted as the OP. 

AJuliaNJ

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities...

OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

manateehugger

Thanks @AndreaJulia  I'm just sitting here thinking "What if her friend wanted to sleep with him?" I feel like there is the underlying assumption here that she didn't want to, but what if she actually did?

I'm also sitting here thinking that the guy probably liked OP a lot to be willing to talk guy talk with her. He probably was comfortable and didn't realize she'd take offense. And she's of course allowed to tell him she did.

manateehugger

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

I get what you are saying, I really do. And yes, he should have felt apologetic since he offended his friend's FI. But I'm not surprised he didn't, and trying to extract a forced apology just makes everyone bitter. Would me insincerely saying right now, "You're right. I was wrong. I totally agree with you," actually make you feel better? Probably not. 

I think this guy is sitting there thinking, "Why is OP so worked up about this?" Because, honestly, I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. Insincere apologies are worse than no apology. At least he isn't lying to her. 

I just think to draw it out past the moment it happened doesn't really do any good. If it happens again, by all means she should say that she doesn't like the language he was using. 

Also, telling him to "man up" when we're saying to avoid gender stereotypes is ironic. I didn't mean that snarky toward you, but it's just an ironic term in our language. 

AJuliaNJ

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities...

OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."



Hmm I see what you're saying. I read her post differently. When she said he made a joke of the situation, I pictured a joke trying to smooth over the situation. Not a clear I'm sorry, but still an attempt at reconciling something like, "I was so drunk I didn't even know what language I was speaking." Dumb example, but you get what I mean. I didn't picture him laughing or making fun if OP.

manateehugger

Harry87 said:

LingerLonger1 said:

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

But if he's not sorry why should he apologize?  Maybe he said EXACTLY what he meant and he doesn't feel bad that those words offended OP.  Then why would he apologize?

True, but then he should be told to his face that he's a dick and not to speak like that to her again.

And I guess I don't think he was really being that dickish. Boneheaded? Yes. Offensive? Not really. And my guess is, he didn't think he was being a dick either. 

If he had just said "What are my chances for hooking up with your friend?" I'm wondering what her reaction would have been. 

manateehugger

Harry87 said:

PDKH said:

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

I get what you are saying, I really do. And yes, he should have felt apologetic since he offended his friend's FI. But I'm not surprised he didn't, and trying to extract a forced apology just makes everyone bitter. Would me insincerely saying right now, "You're right. I was wrong. I totally agree with you," actually make you feel better? Probably not. 

I think this guy is sitting there thinking, "Why is OP so worked up about this?" Because, honestly, I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. Insincere apologies are worse than no apology. At least he isn't lying to her. 

I just think to draw it out past the moment it happened doesn't really do any good. If it happens again, by all means she should say that she doesn't like the language he was using. 

Also, telling him to "man up" when we're saying to avoid gender stereotypes is ironic. I didn't mean that snarky toward you, but it's just an ironic term in our language. 

Maybe my idea of what a man consists of is different from others. Real men are decent people who treat others decently, including women.

I doubt many ladies here would want to be the "Broad he wants to fuck".

Which is exactly where a "Dude, seriously?" comment could have handled this just fine. 

manateehugger

LingerLonger1 said:

Harry87 said:

PDKH said:

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

I get what you are saying, I really do. And yes, he should have felt apologetic since he offended his friend's FI. But I'm not surprised he didn't, and trying to extract a forced apology just makes everyone bitter. Would me insincerely saying right now, "You're right. I was wrong. I totally agree with you," actually make you feel better? Probably not. 

I think this guy is sitting there thinking, "Why is OP so worked up about this?" Because, honestly, I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. Insincere apologies are worse than no apology. At least he isn't lying to her. 

I just think to draw it out past the moment it happened doesn't really do any good. If it happens again, by all means she should say that she doesn't like the language he was using. 

Also, telling him to "man up" when we're saying to avoid gender stereotypes is ironic. I didn't mean that snarky toward you, but it's just an ironic term in our language. 

Maybe my idea of what a man consists of is different from others. Real men are decent people who treat others decently, including women.

I doubt many ladies here would want to be the "Broad he wants to fuck".

You must define men differently than me.  IMO "real" mean are people with male genitalia, and who identify as males.  I don't apply any other stereotypes to them.

I wouldn't really give a shit if he referred to me as the "Broad he wants to fuck."  I may not have sex with him, but I'm not going to be offended.  It takes a lot more than that to offend me.

Yep. This too. Having a guy think you are sexually attractive should not be offensive. 

runpipparun

Yeah, I totally would have handled this within the situation and would not have involved my FI. My FI's BM is a bit chauvinistic pig, and the stories of his "conquests," which he tells NON-STOP grate on me. I put up with it for my FI's sake because it's his best friend. When I get tired of it, I say, "Dude, what the frack? Come on now." I don't wait for my FI to jump in and defend the fairer sex.

The guy was not meaning to offend you, and you shouldn't take offense as though he were meaning to. If you didn't take care of it in the moment, than the ship has sailed. Let it go, wait for the next moment, and pounce then. If you continue to bring this incident up and dig at it, you're going to turn it into drama and end up looking like a psycho.

MissMolly

I would simply say that those kinds of comments are uncalled for, out of line and that you don't want to hear (or hear of) them anymore.

manateehugger

HoorayForSoup said:

LingerLonger1 said:

HoorayForSoup said:

 

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

This is sort of where I'm coming from, although I don't think the apology needs to be all that detailed or guilt accepting. "I'm sorry you were offended that was not my intent," would be more than enough. 

To me what matters is that the OP (and by the sound of it her FI) were offended by the friend's behavior. It's not unreasonable for them to be offended, and the FI flat out asked for an apology. 

It's hard for me to say who I think is making the mountain out of the molehill here. If the friend did apologize (albiet in a crappy way) then I think it's the OP. If he didn't apologize and instead "made a joke of the situation and said he thinks there is an underline issue here" then I think the friend is the one making this a bigger issue than it needs to be by not apologizing after insulting his friend and the OP.

But again I ask WHY should he have to apologize?  This guy shouldn't and doesn't have to take on the burden of OP's feelings.  He doesn't HAVE to be sorry he offended anyone.  He doesn't HAVE to be sorry about his choice of words.  He doesn't HAVE to feel bad for, or apologize for, that interaction at all.  Forcing an apology from him is forcing him to take on the burden of someone else's feelings. 

We so often say here that you can't control others actions, you can only control your reactions.  Are we just going to throw this out the window here because this particular topic happens to be one some of you would be offended by?

So let's just assume the guy never apologizes.  What should the next step be?

My honest answer as to why if you unintentionally offend someone who you care about (I realize the friend probably doesn't care about the OP, but it sounds like the FI was insulted too) you should apologize is that caring about someone means caring about how they feel. 

If I insulted my friend and he or she had some grounds for feeling that way I would still feel a bit bad even if I didn't find my behavior to be insulting. The appropriate course of action would be to clarify that my intent was not to insult them and apologize for making them feel slighted. 

LingerLonger1 said:

HoorayForSoup said:

LingerLonger1 said:

HoorayForSoup said:

LingerLonger1 said:

HoorayForSoup said:

 

Harry87 said:

AndreaJulia said:

@pdkh, I fully support everything you're saying. What he said was not anything a sharp retort wouldn't have ended. He asked if she'd be DTF; he didn't say your friend is a [insert sexually derogatory term here] and he intended to take advantage. What he said was inappropriate, but not directly insulting her friend. Unless OP left something out as to not offend our delicate sensibilities... OP please just drop it at this point and prepare some witty insults to throw his way should this come up again.

Disagree. Sure, she should have called him out the first time, but when his friend told him that he had offended her and he laughed it off, he lost any points he had. If you offend someone, you say "I'm sorry I offended you, I should have picked my words more carefully / I should have kept my pondering to myself / I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't respect her friend".

I think she should be blunt and clear "It's not okay, don't talk about my friends like that, and when you hurt a person's feelings man up and apologize for it."

This is sort of where I'm coming from, although I don't think the apology needs to be all that detailed or guilt accepting. "I'm sorry you were offended that was not my intent," would be more than enough. 

To me what matters is that the OP (and by the sound of it her FI) were offended by the friend's behavior. It's not unreasonable for them to be offended, and the FI flat out asked for an apology. 

It's hard for me to say who I think is making the mountain out of the molehill here. If the friend did apologize (albiet in a crappy way) then I think it's the OP. If he didn't apologize and instead "made a joke of the situation and said he thinks there is an underline issue here" then I think the friend is the one making this a bigger issue than it needs to be by not apologizing after insulting his friend and the OP.

But again I ask WHY should he have to apologize?  This guy shouldn't and doesn't have to take on the burden of OP's feelings.  He doesn't HAVE to be sorry he offended anyone.  He doesn't HAVE to be sorry about his choice of words.  He doesn't HAVE to feel bad for, or apologize for, that interaction at all.  Forcing an apology from him is forcing him to take on the burden of someone else's feelings. 

We so often say here that you can't control others actions, you can only control your reactions.  Are we just going to throw this out the window here because this particular topic happens to be one some of you would be offended by?

So let's just assume the guy never apologizes.  What should the next step be?

My honest answer as to why if you unintentionally offend someone who you care about (I realize the friend probably doesn't care about the OP, but it sounds like the FI was insulted too) you should apologize is that caring about someone means caring about how they feel. 

If I insulted my friend and he or she had some grounds for feeling that way I would still feel a bit bad even if I didn't find my behavior to be insulting. The appropriate course of action would be to clarify that my intent was not to insult them and apologize for making them feel slighted. 

I actually didn't hear that the FI was offended.  I heard OP was offended and so her FI had her back (which is obviously a good thing), but it didn't sound to me like he was offended at all.

It's possible that I've misread a lot of things in this thread because I slept for like 4 hours last night, but I took these two quotes:

"Not knowing exactly what to do I told my FI and he said he would handle it. My FI told him that behavior and kind of talk is not acceptable and that he would have to apologize to me. "

"My FI and I do NOT tolerate this behavior and I believe my FI made that quite clear to this guy. I just feel like there is something I could or should do to show that I am backing up my FI in this situation...."

As implying that the FI was insulted or bothered by the remarks as well. 

I took it more as head-patting the poor wittwe woman who got her wittwe feewers hurt.

Same. Not to mention, if her FI has it handled, she doesn't need to "back him up." It's an argument between two friends, and she should stay out of it. 

runpipparun

If OP and her fiancé don't tolerate this behavior, then why are they friends with Mr. Army who uses his Army-ness to justify his less-than-Mr.-Darcy-like behavior? Why is he a groomsman?

Just don't make the situation any worse. Let. It. Go. Roll your eyes through the wedding, and ditch him after if he offends you guys so much.

manateehugger

runpipparun said:

If OP and her fiancé don't tolerate this behavior, then why are they friends with Mr. Army who uses his Army-ness to justify his less-than-Mr.-Darcy-like behavior? Why is he a groomsman?

Just don't make the situation any worse. Let. It. Go. Roll your eyes through the wedding, and ditch him after if he offends you guys so much.

Am I the only one wondering what using his Army service as an excuse actually means?

ETA: Bonus points for the P&P reference. 

manateehugger

LingerLonger1 said:

PDKH said:

runpipparun said:

If OP and her fiancé don't tolerate this behavior, then why are they friends with Mr. Army who uses his Army-ness to justify his less-than-Mr.-Darcy-like behavior? Why is he a groomsman?

Just don't make the situation any worse. Let. It. Go. Roll your eyes through the wedding, and ditch him after if he offends you guys so much.

Am I the only one wondering what using his Army service as an excuse actually means?

ETA: Bonus points for the P&P reference. 

I'm more wondering the relevance of that line to what happened.  It was just an inflammatory afterthought thrown in there to make us dislike this guy even more.  She did not say he said that to excuse this interaction, just that he uses it "as an excuse for a lot of things."

Yeah, I meant what you said - you just said it better. I don't really understand what his being in the Army has to do with him making a typical dude comment. 

ETA: The comment made me think there have been previous interactions between OP and this guy before. 

manateehugger

LingerLonger1 said:

StageManager14 said:

I'm thinking she doesn't like this guy in general and is trying to force the issue to get her FI to end the friendship.

I was thinking this too.

Ditto. Hence mole hill -> mountain. 

kjlamb

Hey guys BACK OFF of hlvonb- she asked for advice, you gave it (and thank you for it) but why do you have to go judging her intentions? and making remarks such as "I took it more as head-patting the poor wittwe woman who got her wittwe feewers hurt." You gave her the advice to move on and let her FI handle it. Maybe she is not used to that kind of talk in general form men. Maybe she had a conservative upbringing and is not used to vulgarity. She had a situation-you gave your two cents. Now leave her alone to decide what to do. 

runpipparun

Oh dear...