FH Father is legit the BIGGEST POS I have ever met in my life!

MuppetFan

Autocorrect fail : it's written of you to put him in that position

MuppetFan

Oh screw it. My phone sucks

[Deleted User]

I see no legitimate reason for inviting your FH's father in the first place. My FI had a rough childhood thanks to his father's emotional and physical abuse. When we announced our engagement his father called him up asking for details. FI stated clearly that he was not invited and that if he tried to show up, security would escort him out then slammed the phone down. All of his family has been warned that his father is not welcome to the wedding. Honestly, your FI needs to grow a pair and tell off his family members that want his father invited. Done and done.

kerbohl

Is your FI really upset that he doesn't know this woman?  Or is he upset because he was coerced into inviting his father and it is becoming a headache?  Or is he just upset that his father is dating in the first place?  It's been 24 hours as you have said - rash words have been spoken by both parties.  Let it cool down, and think about this decision.  The polite thing to do, as well as the thing that I see causing the least drama, is to invite this woman.  Right now, you are thinking that what will cause the least drama is to refuse to invite her.  Look at it rationally after things have calmed down and make a decision that will cause the least stress.  Are you really going to notice this random woman?  You think you will, but probably won't.  You don't have to have her in photos if you chose not to - this won't affect photos at all.  But not inviting her will affect stress levels and make you and FI look bad, when you shouldn't have to.  Yeah, FFIL has been a jerk in the past and by not telling about this new girlfriend - kill it with kindness and invite this girlfriend. 

stantokm

At my wedding, there were several people that my husband and I had never met before; most were people that one of us knew that the other didn't yet, but there were four people who were SOs of our friends who we hadn't met at all.  It was a pleasure to meet them and I spent about a minute with each one, so my time wasn't wasted, they weren't in pictures, and our friends were grateful that we considered their feelings.

I understand that your FFIL has been a terrible father and you don't think that he "deserves" to bring a date--I don't think that he deserves to be there at all.  But as a PP said, this doesn't seem like a hill worth dying on.  Either don't have either of them at the wedding, or have both.  Don't waste your time fighting this and being upset/angry because THEY don't deserve all the time and hurt feelings you're spending. 

tawillers

I barely read any of this, but WTF would she be in your pictures?  They're not married, right?

Let her sit with FFIL, but give the pictures appearance a hearty hell no.

6fsn

@tawillers- I was bored last night and read it all.  She'll be in the pictures because she'll be in the front row with FFIL.  You know the photogs like to take pictures of the guests during the vows. 

It doesn't really matter because Joe has made his decision.

GBCK

I'm still wondering how that can truly be the 'biggest POS" the OP has ever met.

Even if we assume obnoxious behavior and all that, I've bet bigger POSs so far TODAY.

tawillers

6fsn said:

@tawillers- I was bored last night and read it all.  She'll be in the pictures because she'll be in the front row with FFIL.  You know the photogs like to take pictures of the guests during the vows. 

It doesn't really matter because Joe has made his decision.

Oh, I thought she meant in the family pics.  I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt with the POS thing, because I've got personal experience with Son's POS absent mother.

stantokm

GBCK said:

I'm still wondering how that can truly be the 'biggest POS" the OP has ever met.

Even if we assume obnoxious behavior and all that, I've bet bigger POSs so far TODAY.

To be fair to the OP, she said that he's the biggest POS ever because of past behavior, not because of this issue specifically.

KitCat13

It will be a noticeable difference because FFIL will make it known that this woman is here and it will be a scene in some way shape or form.  He needs to be the center of attention (and there will be something that he will be alone at the wedding to get this) and if it isn't know that this woman is here with him then it will be the end of the world.

Maybe he will consider B listing her...which in my opinion B listing is much more rude then not being inviting but at this point in time invites go out in the next week and a half to two weeks. They are addressed and ready to go. 

But there is much more reason then just FFIL is dating someone new. He couldn't care less.. and it's well known that he really doesn't want his father at the wedding, but inviting was easier then listening to his sister and grandmother saying he needed to invite him that the whole family would be there he would feel awful his dad posting on his wall on facebook that he is hurt that his own son would consider not inviting him to the wedding... I didn't think it was a good idea that he would get invited (and in fact really didn't plan on him actually showing up)... but again I stood by Joe's decision.

Maybe this wasn't the place to come too.. I thought this would be a place to vent, to other brides planning a wedding who know how stressful and to vent about having a guest say he is bringing a date no one knew existed until the night before last. 

But at the end of the day this is Joe's decision, if he chooses this then it should be respected. end of story.

tawillers

KitCat13 said:

But there is much more reason then just FFIL is dating someone new. He could care less.. and it's well known that he really doesn't want his father at the wedding, but inviting was easier then listening to his sister and grandmother saying he needed to invite him that the whole family would be there he would feel awful his dad posting on his wall on facebook that he is hurt that his own son would consider not inviting him to the wedding... I didn't think it was a good idea that he would get invited (and in fact really didn't plan on him actually showing up)... but again I stood by Joe's decision.

You mean he COULDN'T care less. 

KitCat13

as I stated before FFIL has done alot of shit in the past.. but this was the icing on the cake.

It doesn't make a me a bad person to have feeling towards a person and yes we have 3 photographers she is going to be pictured and on video, she is going to be up front with the grooms family because that is where FFIL will want her to be. 

nicoleg1982v2

KitCat13 said:

I don't think a son should have to pick up the phone especially when the father can't pick up the phone to call his son on his bday or Christmas but we should pick it up and ask if he is dating someone .... wow.. 


 

So why would you invite someone to your wedding you admittedly do not know at all?  Someone neither of you wants in your life or present at your wedding?  I think there will be a stranger in the front row even if this lady doesn't come.

hmonkey

i am team kitcat on this one. i also don't think all significant others need to be invited, no exceptions.

don't invite her, but also don't invite him, either.

MuppetFan

KitCat13 said:

as I stated before FFIL has done alot of shit in the past.. but this was the icing on the cake.

It doesn't make a me a bad person to have feeling towards a person and yes we have 3 photographers she is going to be pictured and on video, she is going to be up front with the grooms family because that is where FFIL will want her to be. 

This is not icing. He is not in the wrong to ask if his girlfriend be invited. You're being so petty about the images of her that may be captured too.

MuppetFan

KitCat13 said:

It will be a noticeable difference because FFIL will make it known that this woman is here and it will be a scene in some way shape or form.  He needs to be the center of attention (and there will be something that he will be alone at the wedding to get this) and if it isn't know that this woman is here with him then it will be the end of the world.

Maybe he will consider B listing her...which in my opinion B listing is much more rude then not being inviting but at this point in time invites go out in the next week and a half to two weeks. They are addressed and ready to go. 

But there is much more reason then just FFIL is dating someone new. He couldn't care less.. and it's well known that he really doesn't want his father at the wedding, but inviting was easier then listening to his sister and grandmother saying he needed to invite him that the whole family would be there he would feel awful his dad posting on his wall on facebook that he is hurt that his own son would consider not inviting him to the wedding... I didn't think it was a good idea that he would get invited (and in fact really didn't plan on him actually showing up)... but again I stood by Joe's decision.

Maybe this wasn't the place to come too.. I thought this would be a place to vent, to other brides planning a wedding who know how stressful and to vent about having a guest say he is bringing a date no one knew existed until the night before last. 

But at the end of the day this is Joe's decision, if he chooses this then it should be respected. end of story.

Like I said, this isn't a board that validates bad decisions. We know what stress is involved in planning a wedding. It's your fault for not asking if there was someone in his life to invite.

I find your whole thread to be absolutely exhausting because you are so closed to the idea that you are in the wrong.

Blah.

KitCat13

Muppet... it is the icing on the cake when HIS SON told him from the start that she would not be invited because he didn't know about her.... and then his dad started off on his son... it was the icing on the cake when he threw a fit because FH said no when FFIL said he was bridging her anyways... guest don't get to decide to bring a tag - me - long.  It was the icing on the cake when a grown man who is a "parent" can't respect his son's wishes about not having a person he has never known about up until the night before last at his wedding.

We are not the bad people, I'm sorry but if this woman means so much to FH then why up until now didn't he tell anyone of her?  If he had then we wouldn't be dealing with this but we are.  We don't want someone we don't know how long she will be or that no one in FH family has met at a wedding sitting with family etc.

Joe is entitled to feel this way..... last time I checked it was his wedding not his dad's... his dad can't decided that it's now important to bring someone...he doesn't get the right to tell his son that he needs to bring a girl he has hidden...

KitCat13

Our fault he has hid this woman to his entire family up until Thurs our fault he hasn't been forth coming... awesome I didn't know I needed to polish my glass ball to see if has been hiding something from his son, and his family.

Our fault he can't pick up the phone to call his son to tell him about a woman in his life... last time I checked if people were serious about someone they tell their family and friends... but huh guess that isn't rude.

And if you are so exhausted by my post then by all means you don't need to post anymore.

Oface4eva

KitCat-I don't know why you're worrying about something that hasn't happened.  If you don't want her in photos, don't have her in photos.  Also, don't invite them...the end of that--if Joe doesn't want them, who cares?

MuppetFan

You're so wrong about this. There's no icing here. You are only seeing it one way because you don't want to see it another way and have closed yourself off. You are wrong not to invite her. That's it. It doesn't matter if you've never met her. You're ridiculous for deciding someone can't come because they haven't passed your judgement list yet and they may be in a few of your pictures. 

You can whine and crab about it all you want. You can feel entitled if you want, because that's how you're acting. You ARE the bad people here. You are judging the hell out of their relationship. You can do that if you want but you're wrong. Your fiance also could've easily picked up the phone. Building relationships are a 2 way street.  It just sounds like you want to pile up shit against the guy so you can continue to build up a case against him but you just sound ridiculous.

MuppetFan

Oface4eva said:

KitCat-I don't know why you're worrying about something that hasn't happened.  If you don't want her in photos, don't have her in photos.  Also, don't invite them...the end of that--if Joe doesn't want them, who cares?

She already invited him. So, she'd be uninviting him. That's even better.

Oface4eva

I have to admit my patience for long posts is definitely lacking, therefore...uninviting him would trump his rude card.  That would be awesome.

hmonkey

muppetfan, hilariously, you are also being a little absolutist here. not every significant other "deserves" an invitation.

if my aunt was, say, mrs. green river killer, i don't think i would HAVE to invite mr. green river killer. that is an extreme example to be fair, but a similar principal applies.

invitations to a wedding are earned -- by being a part of the couple's lives, by being a part of their "family", whether related or chosen. i don't think fil has really been great about his relationship with bride or groom, and they haven't either -- but it is their wedding, and they can not invite whomever.

KitCat13

Muppet you don't' know the whole story so don't sit here and act like you do and act like we are the bad people.

FH family even said that they understand tje reasoning and that he doesn't need to invite said woman and pitch a fit that she isn't invited it's not his wedding... which it's not let's just point this out again...

I can't believe in you were in this position (and knew the whole story) that would wouldn't support your husband and his decision he wants and would not think that his father is being completely out of line for not respecting his son and the fact that his son doesn't have a fling at his wedding.  If we had known about her when they first started dating it would be completely different I have said this before have I not?  But to us that is what she is a fling and stranger. You won't address that his dad was in the wrong for not telling us about her.... if she means that much to him and he feels she should be invited to a family function/his son's wedding then shouldn't he said something a hell of a lot sooner then now knowing invites go out soon???

I shouldn't have to pick up the phone and say hey you can't reach out to your child in months but are you dating someone... I don't have time to get a check up on him I have a life that doesn't resolve around FFIL

And the way he acted was the icing on the cake for what  POS he is... you don't know him you don't know the shit he has done and pulled in the past you don't know... so don't sit here on your high horse and you think you do. 

Joe makes the decision if his father's new girlfriend who we don't know ANYTHING about this woman name, how long they have been together nothing minus that he is moving in with her at X date (again don't know that either)  gets an invite or not..

And I will stand by and support him because that is what you do when your SO feels strongly about something.  I don't have to judge this woman I don't know her and my feelings towards Joe's dad doesn't matter because it's Joe who makes this decision not me... it's his family not mine.

MuppetFan

hmonkey said:

muppetfan, hilariously, you are also being a little absolutist here. not every significant other "deserves" an invitation.

if my aunt was, say, mrs. green river killer, i don't think i would HAVE to invite mr. green river killer. that is an extreme example to be fair, but a similar principal applies.

invitations to a wedding are earned -- by being a part of the couple's lives, by being a part of their "family", whether related or chosen. i don't think fil has really been great about his relationship with bride or groom, and they haven't either -- but it is their wedding, and they can not invite whomever.

Yeah, no.

Her father in law's girlfriend should get an invite, especially when they are about to move in. I find it nuts that she's sent out invites already this far away from her October wedding. IF she's lying and hasn't sent them out, she has time to add her since she definitely knows about her now.

No you don't have to invite killers to your wedding. That's a good exception. I think FFIL has only been accused of being a bad father though.

They invited FFIL already. They didn't have to. Now that they did, he should have his SO invited as well. They can invite whoever they want, sure, but they are going against etiquette for it and clearly causing a new rift with FFIL.

MuppetFan

OP, we can only go by the info you provide us.

If I were in your position, I would've started to help bridge the gap between FFIL and Son (which I've done). If your future husband wanted enough of a relationship to put him on the wedding list, I would've invited his SO, regardless of whether I knew her or not. I'd find out her name.

FFIL isn't going to live forever. He wasn't terrible enough not to receive an invite.

For the record everyone, she was just testing us to see what reactions she could get from us so that she could badmouth us on ww: http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/wow-ladies-on-here-you-were-right/54db5d84fc239c85.html

This is the reaction she really wanted where like 5 people told her she isn't a spoiled brat (their words, not mine): http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/omg-hate-hate-hate-my-ffil-with-passion/529bcfb138cac0f4.html

hmonkey

muppetfan appears to be one of those "but they're FAAAMILY" people.

SBmini

It's one day. Inviting her to your wedding is not the same as accepting her into your family or saying that you approve of your FFIL's decisions. It's making a compromise that pleases the family. It's being the bigger person. I think you are being awfully mean to this woman you haven't invited yet. She may be a very nice person, eager to meet the family of her boyfriend. 

Your fiance is thinking emotionally and not rationally. This obviously is not about her, it's about his relationship with his father. If it is that bad, then he shouldn't get an invite at all. But I see the girlfriend as a package deal. Either is both of them, or none of them. You can't have your iced cake and eat it too.

MuppetFan

hmonkey said:

muppetfan appears to be one of those "but they're FAAAMILY" people.

Nope, not at all.