Devastated. Please help me sort this out.

kryan32

WittyKitty - I don't have any specific wedding advice to offer you, but this book was really helpful for me: http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_2?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1371158485&sr=1-2-catcorr&keywords=mothers+queens+witches

My therapist recommended it and was amazing to learn that I wasn't alone in how I felt about my mother...

{{{HUGS}}}

laurenali

From everything you've said it really sounds like your mom has borderline personality disorder. It can take many forms. I've dealt with this for years. I had a therapist recommend a book called "Stop walking on eggshells" it's written for people who have family members who have BPD.

wittykitty14

laurenali said:

From everything you've said it really sounds like your mom has borderline personality disorder. It can take many forms. I've dealt with this for years. I had a therapist recommend a book called "Stop walking on eggshells" it's written for people who have family members who have BPD.

Thanks for the response!  I know she doesn't have BPD though.  Without going into further detail, I have a lot of experience with people who have it.  It doesn't fit her.  But based on what I've mentioned, I can see why you'd suggest it!

KJiras

I'm so, so sorry to hear you are dealing with this! Since you are getting married just a week from tomorrow I'm wondering what your contract/payment situation is. I know you said mom is paying but everything is in your name, so you are on the hook if you've got to cancel.  This is probably very vendor/location specific but are you still within the time period where you could cancel/change plans and not be on the hook for the remaining balance?  

I'd have a serious conversation with Mom when you get home today. Your FI obviously doesn't have time to secure anything "permanent"  within 3-4 weeks before moving, that is just totally unreasonable for her to be upset over and you have a long history which tells you "reason" doesn't matter with Mom. I think you need to decide today with her if she is still on board with hosting the wedding or not - and if so, the vendors need to be paid in full tomorrow.  If she says no, you'll have to tell her you will be contacting all the guests to make other arrangements. I know that totally sucks but it's way better to be in control of an alternate option than to be at her mercy given her inability to be reasonable. Best of luck to you!

southernbelle0915

laurenali said:

From everything you've said it really sounds like your mom has borderline personality disorder. It can take many forms. I've dealt with this for years. I had a therapist recommend a book called "Stop walking on eggshells" it's written for people who have family members who have BPD.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say diagnosing the relative of an internet stranger with a personality disorder based on someone else's account of said relative's behavior is beyond your scope.

wittykitty14

UPDATE:

I have no idea if anyone is going to come back and read this, but since a few people commented recently I wanted to let you know how this all went down.

She was totally bluffing.  After that conversation, it never came up again.  It was strictly a control move, which she has continued to use, but in other ways.  We're one week away, and she is making the final payment today, because the venue needs it before the wedding (which they JUST told us the other day).  But it's fine.  No complaints about this from her, she just wanted me to squirm, which I didn't, and she stopped.  She's geniunely excited for the wedding, and for FI to enter the family, so I'm just going to put it behind me and enjoy the day! 

Thanks again to everyone who helped me through this

NYCBruin

Yay!  I'm glad everything worked out for you, you handled everything like a champ.  You're getting super close, you must be really excited!

rajahmd

MrsH86

I agree with all the PP's about talking to your therapist and your mom. If it were me, I would tell my mom (in so many words) 'If you ruin my one and only wedding day by not helping in the areas that you agreed upon, it will ruin our relationship.' Just get REAL with her and tell her how much this will devastate you if she backs out. I am not sure if your mom will react badly to that... but, I am not sure about a lot of the details...and perhaps have your FI talk to her about all the jobs he is applying for and maybe he can express to her how hard he is trying

GetThePointe77

So glad everything worked out for you! Enjoy your special day!!