Feeling disgusted, just need to let it out...

sierraberry32

Some back story for you: My sister has three kids, a boy (he's 9 now) girl (she's 5) and another boy, he passed away 3 years ago. Following my youngest nephews death, there was a huge custody battle over where the surviving two children should go, and after a year and half of court meetings they finally went back to my sister. Right after my sister was given custody of her kids, and after her 6 month CPS probation was over with, she moved 5 hours away from where she used to live. 

Present day: Because of my sister living so far away from us, we rarely see her or her kids. There is a lot of tension still between her and the rest of our family and she chooses to seclude herself away from everyone. About a month ago she came over and we had a "family meeting" she admitted that she moved purposely because of our family and how she felt like the "black sheep". She went on about her feelings and admitted that she had an abortion not too long ago. We were, and still are, very upset, not because she had the abortion, but because she didn't look at her options. My parents always reminded us that they would be more than willing to help if we accidentally got pregnant, and they would be more than willing to adopt the baby. I admit wee were upset because of the abortion, but only because we had already lost a child, and miss him deeply. 

We just went on a trip with her to her family ranch. While we were there we started talking and my sister explained her aborted fetus as her 'dead daughter'. I was shocked and asked her what made her think she was having a girl, her response was "I never got morning sickness with my boys, only my daughters". She even gave her fetus a name, it was the name she picked out if she had a second daughter.   

I feel sick to my stomach because of this, I just had to get it out. 

Note: Please do NOT post any hateful comments on here about abortion, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one done, but I would never condemn someone for making this decision. I only wrote this to get my feelings out. 

harper0813

My personal beliefs about abortion aside, I also would be disturbed by someone speaking about their aborted child in such a way. I would change the subject or just outright say it makes me feel uncomfortable. But maybe she's trying to grow closer to you by confiding in you. It would depend on her tone and your current relationship with her.

AllieBear725

I won't tell you about my view on abortion, but if I were you I would tell your sister how you feel about her naming her fetus. Maybe it's her way of dealing with the grief of her decision, but it really sounds like she needs to get some help. I would find it odd as well.

QueerFemme

sierraberry32 said:

Some back story for you: My sister has three kids, a boy (he's 9 now) girl (she's 5) and another boy, he passed away 3 years ago. Following my youngest nephews death, there was a huge custody battle over where the surviving two children should go, and after a year and half of court meetings they finally went back to my sister. Right after my sister was given custody of her kids, and after her 6 month CPS probation was over with, she moved 5 hours away from where she used to live. 

Present day: Because of my sister living so far away from us, we rarely see her or her kids. There is a lot of tension still between her and the rest of our family and she chooses to seclude herself away from everyone. About a month ago she came over and we had a "family meeting" she admitted that she moved purposely because of our family and how she felt like the "black sheep". She went on about her feelings and admitted that she had an abortion not too long ago. We were, and still are, very upset, not because she had the abortion, but because she didn't look at her options. My parents always reminded us that they would be more than willing to help if we accidentally got pregnant, and they would be more than willing to adopt the baby. I admit wee were upset because of the abortion, but only because we had already lost a child, and miss him deeply. 

We just went on a trip with her to her family ranch. While we were there we started talking and my sister explained her aborted fetus as her 'dead daughter'. I was shocked and asked her what made her think she was having a girl, her response was "I never got morning sickness with my boys, only my daughters". She even gave her fetus a name, it was the name she picked out if she had a second daughter.   

I feel sick to my stomach because of this, I just had to get it out. 

Note: Please do NOT post any hateful comments on here about abortion, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one done, but I would never condemn someone for making this decision. I only wrote this to get my feelings out. 

I'm sorry you are struggling and I do think your sister's behavior after her abortion (about naming the fetus, etc.) is very odd. It sounds like she needs therapy.

To the bolded part... just because your parents always said they would help, and adopt the baby, etc. doesn't mean someone should have to continue with a pregnancy.  It's presumptious to assume or require someone else to look at other options.   Your sister already felt like the black sheep for whatever reason and moved away on purpose because of it. Why would she feel safe to discuss anything with any of you?

audreyecu61

What is done is done. I'm more concerned about your sisters children and their health along with your sisters. I hope she is getting the help she needs to improve her outlook. I would reach out to her and try not to be judgemental (I'm not saying you are) and try to there for her. The way she is dealing with your situation may not be healthy.

You can only do your best to be supportive and let her know you love her. She did move away for a reason and perhaps that needs to be examined as well.

 

 

 

winelover123

@cmgilpin said it better than I can. It sounds like there is a lot of grief with your nephew's passing and with your sister's abortion. Perhaps you should encourage your sister to go to counseling - it sounds like she needs someone to talk to who isn't in the family.

Also, on a side note, how do you know she didn't look at her options? Maybe she did and decided an abortion was the best option for her, regardless of your parents' willingness to adopt a niece or nephew.

I hope you feel better after getting that out.

ETA: You don't have to answer that question. It's just something to think about.

sierraberry32

cmgilpin said:

sierraberry32 said:

Some back story for you: My sister has three kids, a boy (he's 9 now) girl (she's 5) and another boy, he passed away 3 years ago. Following my youngest nephews death, there was a huge custody battle over where the surviving two children should go, and after a year and half of court meetings they finally went back to my sister. Right after my sister was given custody of her kids, and after her 6 month CPS probation was over with, she moved 5 hours away from where she used to live. 

Present day: Because of my sister living so far away from us, we rarely see her or her kids. There is a lot of tension still between her and the rest of our family and she chooses to seclude herself away from everyone. About a month ago she came over and we had a "family meeting" she admitted that she moved purposely because of our family and how she felt like the "black sheep". She went on about her feelings and admitted that she had an abortion not too long ago. We were, and still are, very upset, not because she had the abortion, but because she didn't look at her options. My parents always reminded us that they would be more than willing to help if we accidentally got pregnant, and they would be more than willing to adopt the baby. I admit wee were upset because of the abortion, but only because we had already lost a child, and miss him deeply. 

We just went on a trip with her to her family ranch. While we were there we started talking and my sister explained her aborted fetus as her 'dead daughter'. I was shocked and asked her what made her think she was having a girl, her response was "I never got morning sickness with my boys, only my daughters". She even gave her fetus a name, it was the name she picked out if she had a second daughter.   

I feel sick to my stomach because of this, I just had to get it out. 

Note: Please do NOT post any hateful comments on here about abortion, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one done, but I would never condemn someone for making this decision. I only wrote this to get my feelings out. 

I'm sorry you are struggling and I do think your sister's behavior after her abortion (about naming the fetus, etc.) is very odd. It sounds like she needs therapy.

To the bolded part... just because your parents always said they would help, and adopt the baby, etc. doesn't mean someone should have to continue with a pregnancy.  It's presumptious to assume or require someone else to look at other options.   Your sister already felt like the black sheep for whatever reason and moved away on purpose because of it. Why would she feel safe to discuss anything with any of you?

I agree with you 100%, accept I still ask myself why she would discuss anything with us what so ever, especially if she felt that way. I would never force pregnancy on a woman, I just wish my sister was smart/more careful when it came to pregnancy, because of what she had to deal with before hand. 

sierraberry32

LingerLonger1 said:

sierraberry32 said:

Some back story for you: My sister has three kids, a boy (he's 9 now) girl (she's 5) and another boy, he passed away 3 years ago. Following my youngest nephews death, there was a huge custody battle over where the surviving two children should go, and after a year and half of court meetings they finally went back to my sister. Right after my sister was given custody of her kids, and after her 6 month CPS probation was over with, she moved 5 hours away from where she used to live. 

Present day: Because of my sister living so far away from us, we rarely see her or her kids. There is a lot of tension still between her and the rest of our family and she chooses to seclude herself away from everyone. About a month ago she came over and we had a "family meeting" she admitted that she moved purposely because of our family and how she felt like the "black sheep". She went on about her feelings and admitted that she had an abortion not too long ago. We were, and still are, very upset, not because she had the abortion, but because she didn't look at her options. My parents always reminded us that they would be more than willing to help if we accidentally got pregnant, and they would be more than willing to adopt the baby. I admit wee were upset because of the abortion, but only because we had already lost a child, and miss him deeply. 

We just went on a trip with her to her family ranch. While we were there we started talking and my sister explained her aborted fetus as her 'dead daughter'. I was shocked and asked her what made her think she was having a girl, her response was "I never got morning sickness with my boys, only my daughters". She even gave her fetus a name, it was the name she picked out if she had a second daughter.   

I feel sick to my stomach because of this, I just had to get it out. 

Note: Please do NOT post any hateful comments on here about abortion, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one done, but I would never condemn someone for making this decision. I only wrote this to get my feelings out. 

You feel sick to your stomach because your sister made a choice that made the most sense for her?  You make it sound like it would have been just so easy for her to give her potential child to your parents to raise- no biggie.  You don't seem to understand the emotional implications of having a child alive out there, whether or not you're the one raising it.  You also don't seem to understand the emotional toll of giving birth to a child and then handing it over to someone else to raise.  Lastly, you also don't seem to grasp physical toll of carrying a child to term.

For sure you can be sad about the child you'll never get to meet but you're being too hard on your sister.  She doesn't have to make the same decisions you would like to think you would make if you were in her shoes.

It's not the abortion that's my issue, it's the fact she named her fetus... 

beardownbchs

I agree 100% with CMGlpin. And your story sounds strangly similar to a family I used to know - except the sister never got her other 2 back after the third one died (thank god.) I also have some family who tragically lost a 21-year old and a 7-year-old. When these kids died, both families had so much love and support from family, friends, strangers, even the community and in some sort of sick way they enjoyed it. My family has refused to get over the deaths and they're really hurting because the community has began to move on and they hate that they are no longer the center of everyone's attention.

Maybe your sister's way of dealing with her decision to abort her baby is to make it seem like she lost the baby and it's some tragedy and she wants people to feel sorry for her the same way they did when her son died. I'm not saying it's right, but maybe that's her odd way of dealing with a decision she may regret.

 

EDIT: I assumed and didn't like it. So I edited.

QueerFemme

sierraberry32 said:

cmgilpin said:

sierraberry32 said:

Some back story for you: My sister has three kids, a boy (he's 9 now) girl (she's 5) and another boy, he passed away 3 years ago. Following my youngest nephews death, there was a huge custody battle over where the surviving two children should go, and after a year and half of court meetings they finally went back to my sister. Right after my sister was given custody of her kids, and after her 6 month CPS probation was over with, she moved 5 hours away from where she used to live. 

Present day: Because of my sister living so far away from us, we rarely see her or her kids. There is a lot of tension still between her and the rest of our family and she chooses to seclude herself away from everyone. About a month ago she came over and we had a "family meeting" she admitted that she moved purposely because of our family and how she felt like the "black sheep". She went on about her feelings and admitted that she had an abortion not too long ago. We were, and still are, very upset, not because she had the abortion, but because she didn't look at her options. My parents always reminded us that they would be more than willing to help if we accidentally got pregnant, and they would be more than willing to adopt the baby. I admit wee were upset because of the abortion, but only because we had already lost a child, and miss him deeply. 

We just went on a trip with her to her family ranch. While we were there we started talking and my sister explained her aborted fetus as her 'dead daughter'. I was shocked and asked her what made her think she was having a girl, her response was "I never got morning sickness with my boys, only my daughters". She even gave her fetus a name, it was the name she picked out if she had a second daughter.   

I feel sick to my stomach because of this, I just had to get it out. 

Note: Please do NOT post any hateful comments on here about abortion, I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one done, but I would never condemn someone for making this decision. I only wrote this to get my feelings out. 

I'm sorry you are struggling and I do think your sister's behavior after her abortion (about naming the fetus, etc.) is very odd. It sounds like she needs therapy.

To the bolded part... just because your parents always said they would help, and adopt the baby, etc. doesn't mean someone should have to continue with a pregnancy.  It's presumptious to assume or require someone else to look at other options.   Your sister already felt like the black sheep for whatever reason and moved away on purpose because of it. Why would she feel safe to discuss anything with any of you?

I agree with you 100%, accept I still ask myself why she would discuss anything with us what so ever, especially if she felt that way. I would never force pregnancy on a woman, I just wish my sister was smart/more careful when it came to pregnancy, because of what she had to deal with before hand. 

Well, you said she hasn't seen any of you... and then you had this "family meeting", where it seems as though dialogue was opened up.  For whatever reason, she felt compelled to talk to you all during that dialogue, where previously, she hasn't.  I don't know her reasons for that, because I'm not in her head. but, you all (or some of you) made her feel like shit before, so much so that she moved away, it seems easy to jump to the "she isn't going to discuss her pregnancy options with you" thought process.

QueerFemme

listen, I think it's odd to name an aborted fetus too, but whatever.  It's not up to me to decide how someone grieves the lost of a child, and then grieves after having an abortion.  You and your parents need to set aside your judgy crap.  I do think your sister sounds like she needs help, but that doesn't negate the fact that you sound totally judgy.

MairePoppy

OMG! And you wonder why your sister didn't consider giving your parents custody? It's no wonder your sister is having problems coping with her decisions. Your sister may have named her aborted baby as a way of acknowledging her grief. I don't know why you're judging her so harshly for that, when there are so many other things wrong here.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

lyndausvi

This thread makes me sad.  It seems OP is more disgusted at her sister's choice of having an abortion than the actions of the family for making the sister feel like a black sheep and unable to come to them for help.

Simply Fated

I would be upset and worried, too, had my sister/friend/who ever I'm close to chose to name their fetus. In my personal opinion, it doesn't sound like a positive way to cope. However, OF COURSE, I'm no professional.
Some families are encouraged to not only name their fetus/stillborn, but to bring it home, have the family meet it and have a funeral for it. While some professionals encourage this has a healthy way of coping with death, I am not so sure this would work for me. BUT, that's just me.

I definitely think your sister would benefit from seeing a professional therapist, just to to have someone to talk to about her grief. It wouldn't hurt you, either, to speak to someone, as well.

The fact that you are upset she didn't go through the pregnancy is something you need to push aside in order to be there for her in her time of grief. I understand that you're upset having missed out on the babies and you're probably devastated, but please try to look at her situation more objectionably.

MoonlightSilver

I haven't read the whole thread, but naming an aborted fetus is not unheard of. While some women think nothing of the fetus, other women consider the fetus the same as a child that had been born. Each woman can and does deal with her abortion differently.

@Sierrabery32 - Let your sister know that you love her, and do not show an disgust for any reason. If she needs someone to talk to, I'd suggest Exhale (https://exhaleprovoice.org/) or Connect and Breathe (http://connectandbreathe.org/).

thejucheidea

As someone who has had an abortion, I sincerely think you need to shut your damn mouth instead of judging how she's coping with her loss. I was completely devastated even though I knew it was the right choice for us. Just because it was a choice she made doesn't make it any less of a loss.

CarolinaHeart

LingerLonger1 said:

Sierra- out of curiosity, would you have handed a kid over to your mother after she said she should have gotten life insurance on your nephew so she could be rich now?  I sure as hell wouldn't allow her anywhere near my kids if she said something like that, let alone hand her one to raise.

For those wondering where I got that http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/160270/wtf-why-would-you-even-say-that#latest

So, I read this thread. While I will admit that I would find it uncomfortable that she had named her fetus, I've also gotta say that I could see how someone might think this abortion was the best choice for everyone involved.

And I have to agree with PP that you and your family have no place in her uterus so you have no right to judge how your sister deals with her grief over the baby she lost or the baby she feels she made the best decision she could for.

It probably wouldn't hurt for your sister to get some professional help to deal with both the loss of her children AND her issues with the rest of your family.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

ZeroOrchestra

HoorayForSoup said:

I have a friend who named her fetus before having an abortion. While I agree that it is a sign that a person may benefit from therapy I doubt it is as unusual as one might assume. People tend to keep these things private, in no small part because of the behavior and opinions of people like the OP and her parents. 

It is your sister's body, your sister's life, and your sister's choice. You are not entitled to a self-righteous opinion on this matter. Also the fact that you seem to think the solution is as simple as "our parents would have raised the child" just goes to show how pathetically ignorant you are when it comes to this issue.

As far as you feeling that she was obligated to YOU to carry this pregnancy because she lost a child: I have no words.  You make me sick. 

So much, all of this, specifically the last part. You are acting like she took away your child or something. Her body, her pregnancy, her children, her decisions, are not yours. It's no wonder she high tailed it away from her unsupportive family.

Viczaesar

Sierra, I think your entire family needs help, pronto.

sierraberry32

I am going to say something to you all... My sister never deserved to have children. My nephews death was from irresponsible parenting, they neglected him. He had one lung fail on him, and the other was infected with pneumonia. They knew he was sick, but they never helped him. The night he died they had left him in his crib for 17 hours without checking on him. He had been dead for so long he was stiff...  My oldest nephew was tortured by only being fed water and bread for weeks at a time. My niece never received such harsh "punishments" because she was "the cute one" and yes my sister said that... I don't judge my sister by her abortion, I judge her for her careless personality.

tiny speck

sierraberry32 said:

I am going to say something to you all... My sister never deserved to have children. My nephews death was from irresponsible parenting, they neglected him. He had one lung fail on him, and the other was infected with pneumonia. They knew he was sick, but they never helped him. The night he died they had left him in his crib for 17 hours without checking on him. He had been dead for so long he was stiff...  My oldest nephew was tortured by only being fed water and bread for weeks at a time. My niece never received such harsh "punishments" because she was "the cute one" and yes my sister said that... I don't judge my sister by her abortion, I judge her for her careless personality.

Regardless of anyone's parenting abilities or lack thereof, I cannot believe you would say that anyone, let alone your own sister, does not DESERVE to have children. What a terrible thing to say.

kerbohl

@tiny speck I'm going to disagree.  People who torture children don't deserve to have them.  No one can make that judgement before they have the children (because how do you really know that they'll be bad parents), but after they have them and they neglect them - yeah, they deserve to have those children taken away from them.  We have laws that state this! 

kmmssg

There are so many  issues here it isn't funny.  Sounds to me like the whole family needs some help here but I'm betting that won't happen.

1.  From your last post she DOES sound like someone who shouldn't have had children.  Anyone who tortures a child or lets them die in their crib after being left alone for 17 hours while very ill is a horrible parent.   I really can't disagree with that.  It is it's own issue.  Personally I think people like that should be sterilized but the law doesn't allow for that.

2.  She did not rob your family of the baby she aborted.  She didn't owe you guys a replacement baby because your nephew died.  He can't be replaced.  She had an abortion and it sounds like your family is the Hallowed Hall of Judgement here.  Why she chose to have an abortion is held deep within her.  You haven't been in her shoes so quit casting stones her way.  On this issue, how about showing her some love and compassion?  

3.  You are hung up on her naming the child?  You need to let that go.  I have an acquaintance who counsels post-abortion women who are struggling with their choice.  She has said that some women/couples choose to name the child and this helps them grieve.  She has also told me stories about families choosing to put something in their home (could be a vase or a statue or an ornament for their tree - none of it baby related) to symbolize the child in their life.  Lots of women choose to have abortions and do fine.  There are also women who choose to have abortions and need some help afterward.  Some women feel it isn't a good time to bring a child into the world and make this choice.  Some women feel they don't have any other choice but to abort for whatever reason.  The important thing here is to show your sister some love and compassion because it sounds like she is grieving.

How about helping her find some kind of counseling?  Sounds like she needs it.

tiny speck

@kerbohl Right. Look, I'm not saying that people who torture children should have them. Not at all. I'm saying how can OP judge that anyone "ever deserved" to have children. I guess I have a problem with the word "deserve" and the judgement of some people and entitlement of others that it indicates. A major issue here is also that we only have OP's side of these stories. I agree that what she is describing sounds horrific, but not having all the details makes it really hard to judge, IMHO.

s-aries8990

Is it kind of odd she named the fetus? Yes
But that is not for you to judge. Until you are in the exact position of another, you cannot truly judge them. We all make snap judgements, but you need to look at the greater picture, Sierra. I have known very few people who have had an abortion and don't react with some grief. It's not an easy decision and she needs your support.


Did it seem as though she lacked parenting skills? Maybe, but why wasn't CPS involved sooner? I'm definitely not trying to point fingers, but if she repeatedly was neglecting her kids and wasn't responding to family intervention, why didn't y'all call CPS? Offer to adopt the children as they offered with an unplanned baby?

IDK, but I agree with PP's. Your family has a holier-than-thou attitude and no matter what you're sister does, she'll be at fault. She has an abortion- bad sister! She has another baby- bad sister!

You need to start loving her and stop judging her.

wittykitty14

Just going out on a limb here...

Maybe the reason for the abortion was because she feels a lot of guilt over losing her child.  Perhaps she feels so horrible about it, that she didn't want to bring another child into this world?

I cosign anything PPs have said about getting her help.  I'm also curious to know how she's been treating her children since she's been away.  Based on your last update, I'd be worried about how they are now.

winelover123

Was CPS ever called in? If she's torturing her children, or has in the past, and is responsible for her child's death, CPS really needs to be called. Like, now. How are her children being treated now?

@sydaries and @wittykitty14 hit the nail on the head, so I won't repeat what they said - I'll just agree with it and second it.

MoonlightSilver

I have a hard time believing she got her kids back if what you said she did to her kids is true.

swimmy1988

MoonlightSilver said:

I have a hard time believing she got her kids back if what you said she did to her kids is true.

Me too.
Has CPS checked in with her?

Regardless, your whole family might need some therapy, especially your sister.