Guilt over who I am inviting?

lizzzbeee

Hi everyone! I'm wondering, did anyone else experience guilt over people they did not invite to their wedding? I am finalizing my guest list and we can afford 40-50 guests at our venue. However, I started a new job a few months ago and made some friends. They talk to me often about our wedding and I'm starting to feel guilty about not inviting them. Our guest list is composed of family and close friends so far. Has anyone had a similar experience, and what did you do?

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elizabetheleven

I'm having a small intimate wedding as well. It's a destinationwedding with only immediate family members.
When people inquire about it I tell them. I think others are pretty understanding seeing as the guest list is only close family (ie parents, grandparents, and siblings). Also, we are paying everyones way so we have to keep it in the smaller side.
I would give people the benefit of the doubt that they should understand that. However, if you feel guilty and have the funds to add new friends, and most importantly, WANT them there, then by all means invite them!

wittykitty14

I know what you mean.  This was one of most difficult parts of the planning process.  FI and I made quite a few difficult cuts to the list just to get it to about 175.  We have big families and a large group of mutual friends, so it was very hard.  There's a couple families I still feel guilty over not inviting.  But I have to keep reminding myself that we cut them from the list for a reason.  Everyone has to make cuts, so anyone who's in your life should understand.

allispain

I too have made new friends throughout the wedding planning process. At times, I have felt guilty that I didn't have space to invite them, but I think that people understand that when it's only 6 months or so away from the wedding, their guest list is pretty final and they don't have room to squeeze in new people.

One thing that might make you feel easier about this is to talk a little less about the wedding at work - I only talk about it with friends who haven't been invited when they ask me, and even then only for a few minutes before I change the subject to focus on a mutual interest, ask them a question about something in their lives, etc. That way, I don't feel like I'm gushing about things they won't be there to witness.

MayberryAfterMidnight

allispain said:

I too have made new friends throughout the wedding planning process. At times, I have felt guilty that I didn't have space to invite them, but I think that people understand that when it's only 6 months or so away from the wedding, their guest list is pretty final and they don't have room to squeeze in new people.

One thing that might make you feel easier about this is to talk a little less about the wedding at work - I only talk about it with friends who haven't been invited when they ask me, and even then only for a few minutes before I change the subject to focus on a mutual interest, ask them a question about something in their lives, etc. That way, I don't feel like I'm gushing about things they won't be there to witness.

Exactly what I was going to say - I started a new job about 9 months ago and while I invited a few coworkers from my old job, I'm not inviting any of the new coworkers. Most people here at the new job know I'm getting married, but I never talk about the wedding unless they bring it up and I try not to talk too long about it then! It helps that my wedding will be 7 hours away in a different state, but even if it were a local wedding, I think people understand that you can't invite everyone. As long as you're not talking non-stop about the wedding and how "ah-mazing" it will be, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty.

TheBaysideBride

YES - i'm in the same boat. FI did something funny - as we were planning, I had this idea of doing a second reception in the city where we live (we're getting married out of town) and put all the friends we couldn't invite on that list. Once I had our best friends on teh wedding list, I was comfortable wiht it, and FI weeks later goes, "you know we're not have a New York party right?"

it was his way of helping me chose who really was close to us, in a non-stressful way....

NerdyLucy

allispain said:

One thing that might make you feel easier about this is to talk a little less about the wedding at work - I only talk about it with friends who haven't been invited when they ask me, and even then only for a few minutes before I change the subject to focus on a mutual interest, ask them a question about something in their lives, etc. That way, I don't feel like I'm gushing about things they won't be there to witness.

I work in a law firm with 51 people and only 4 people here know I'm even engaged.  I've only been here since April of 2012, and while I'm pretty friendly with them, I'm not close with anyone.  FI and I got engaged in April, and the only people that really know here at work are the ones that noticed my ring and asked.  It's not that I'm keeping it a secret exactly; I just haven't really told anyone.   I think part of the reason is because I'm not inviting anyone from work.  We're only having 50-75 people, and those are all family. 

hheartsc22

I just changed schools this past school year and do not know any one at work well enough to invite them even though I love them all dearly. There are actually quite a few of us getting married. We actually have fun talking about wedding stuff together. No one expects an invite or anything. Some expect to see pictures after though

swimmy1988

I wouldn't feel guilty.

I just started a new job as well, and started to make friends there too, but our wedding is also small and mostly family, so I didn't give them invites either. I'm sure they'll ask all about the wedding and want to see some pictures when I return to work, but I don't think any of them are really offended.

Xstatic3333

I totally know how you feel! I only invited people from my grad program that I regularly hang out with outside of school, and that ended up being one friend and my major advisor. I feel guilty excluding my boss and another friend from my lab, but we never see each other outside of structured school events and that was the cutoff that made sense for us. I definitely keep chat to a minimum but will answer questions when asked because I know lots of people (like me!) are just curious about weddings.

walgrrl

I had a very similar experience!  I work in a setting where we have 4-5 full-time staff members that work closely with each other every day.  When I first got engaged (February 2012), I had been working with the same 3 coworkers for a couple of years and decided to put them all on the guest list.  2 of the 3 coworkers ended up moving away (both in June of last year) and I lost touch with them, so I took them off the guest list (we hadn't sent out any STDs yet, so they never even knew they were on the guest list). 

In August, we got 3 new staff members and at first, we all got along great and became friendly with each other.  By October, I was already thinking "I really like my new coworkers and I would love to invite them all to the wedding."  I seriously considered inviting them.  But then I thought about how that would mean not only them, but also their SOs and our guest list was already pretty full, so I reluctantly decided to leave them off the guest list. 

Boy am I glad I didn't invite them!  Two of them quit (one in January, one in February of this year) and I haven't heard from them since they left and the one that's still there turned out to be someone I'd rather not socialize with (I won't go into details, but I'll say I can't trust her anymore).  Just realize that relationships can easily change in a few months, especially newer friendships.  Stick to those nearest and dearest to you and don't feel guilty about it.  Also remember this:  once you send someone a save-the-date, you are stuck with that person! 

[Deleted User]

I can understand how you feel. I feel guilty about people I am unable to invite as well, but the truth of the matter is you can't invite everyone. There will always be someone you missed. So I say just don't let the guilt get to you. 

cmclaire

I totally hear you (currently grappling with our guest list too), but agree with PPs - there's no need to feel guilty.  I think people are usually very understanding.  

If someone I worked with had a 750 person wedding and didn't invite me but invited *everyone* else at my school....sure, I'd get a little paranoid.  

But a smaller affair with a select guest list - no worries.  For example, three teachers at my school are marrying next year - I'm invited to J's and she's invited to mine (well, we will be when STD season arrives), but neither of us are going to B's (other colleagues are), because we teach in different depts and never socialise outside of school.  It would be weirder if I was invited to his, frankly - bar chatting at the coffeepot I hardly know the guy.

Good luck with your planning!

mrskrissaunders

Do not feel guilty! People understand that weddings are expensive...and I'm sure that if they know you are having something small they wont expect to be invited.

courtneythesquid

I know EXACTLY how you feel!  Figuring out who to invite from work has been the worst part for me.  Honestly, I could afford to invite a few more people, but not everyone, and you get to the point of, if I invite A but not B, B's feelings will be hurt, E probably does not even want to go but his feelings will be hurt if he finds out that A B C and D were all invited but not him, etc.  Since I couldn't invite everyone, I finally drew the line at inviting my boss, my teammate I work directly with, and nobody else.

Everyone has been really cool about it, I don't think most people were expecting to be invited.  But somebody did ask the other day if I was starting to get RSVP's back, and I said that I was, and this one girl's face just fell- I could tell she was hoping to be invited!  I would really really love to invite her, but it starts the chain reaction.  I feel pretty horrible about it.  It's just hard making your list, there's no getting around it.   

nickse44

I'm having a large wedding but we still had to draw the line somewhere. We chose to only invite children that are our first cousins, so our cousins kids didn't make the cut and neither did our friends kids. Some people were very upset  - but at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding, not anyone else's. I switched jobs about a month before sending out invites and chose not to invite anyone from my new job or old job. It is just tough to know where to draw the line...but don't feel guilty! It's your day.

ketonra

StephJean83

I definitely understand the feeling bad about not inviting people. We are working on our guest list and it is probably our biggest issue. We agreed on 300 people but with both of our ideal lists our count is around 400. FMIL, love her and she normally is very rational, said to just invite everyone because not everyone will come and FH keeps thinking she is right. I did say that I am putting my foot down on inviting people to just the dance part so if FFIL has some friends he wants to invite, they get included in everything or nothing.

As for work people, as of right now, I don't plan on inviting anyone from my job. I work in a small office and my department has 10 people(20 with SOs) and we work on Saturdays so they would have to close the department down, plus we are planning on getting married about 2 to 3 hours away. My direct supervisor is SIL to a friend of mine who is on the maybe list of mine, so it could be slightly awkward to invite the SIL(my supervisor) and not my friend or vise versa.

I try to give vague answers to people who we aren't inviting or who are on our maybe list. If they ask me when/where the wedding will be, I answer with "In the fall of 2014" or "We haven't decided, but it will be near one of our hometowns." If they prod for more info, I have been getting really good at bean dipping them.

jaghdr28

I'm in the same boat as well. I was wanting around 150 people but my fiance' asked if we could keep it around 75 people to keep cost down. I'm excited to have him help me plan the wedding but between work, school, and church it's hard to keep it capped at 150 let alone 75. We went through our list again and narrowed it down quite a bit but it wasn't by any means easy because I felt guilty for not being able to invite everyone. I'm sure that when the day comes though it will be perfect regardless. Congratulations to you and good luck!