Tacky Announcements

elizabethnoelWed175813

My boyfriend and I have talked several times about getting married alone and with close friends (By close friends I mean my roommate and our other best friend that is always at our house). We've even been to pick out rings together, so all there is left is for him to actually buy the ring and ask me. We normally do Sunday dinner with several friends every Sunday. This past Sunday, one of my oldest friends (male) and his very new girlfriend were whispering. When I asked what they were whispering about, they decided to announce that they were engaged and had been for two weeks. My first question was of course, "Where is the ring?". The response was that they hadn't gotten one yet because of various expenses they had recently spent together (a car, court fees to get this girls baby back, bail money from when they both got put in jail (yeah...I know)). She also added that for the time being, she would just wear a costume ring that she already has... What!?! Let me also add that he met her 2 months ago. When they met, she had a boyfriend. Within the first month of them knowing each other, she broke up with her boyfriend, started dating my friend, got both of their selves thrown in jail due to a custody dispute between her and her baby daddy, and got her baby taken away to which she expected people to donate money for court costs to get her baby back. Are you crazy!? And now, after 2 months of them even knowing each other, they're getting married. Not to mention that  he is 35 and she is 21... a very immature 21 year old. I understand that there are costs in life, but seriously? I just thought it was really inappropriate and tacky to formally announce to friends that you were getting married when you don't even have an engagement ring. The whole of everything was just utterly ridiculous to me. And while I have to admit that I've told 2 people we were getting married, I wouldn't dare formally announce it without a ring or even tell me family. Thoughts on the subject?

Swazzle

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

My boyfriend and I have talked several times about getting married alone and with close friends (By close friends I mean my roommate and our other best friend that is always at our house). We've even been to pick out rings together, so all there is left is for him to actually buy the ring and ask me. We normally do Sunday dinner with several friends every Sunday. This past Sunday, one of my oldest friends (male) and his very new girlfriend were whispering. When I asked what they were whispering about, they decided to announce that they were engaged and had been for two weeks. My first question was of course, "Where is the ring?". The response was that they hadn't gotten one yet because of various expenses they had recently spent together (a car, court fees to get this girls baby back, bail money from when they both got put in jail (yeah...I know)). She also added that for the time being, she would just wear a costume ring that she already has... What!?! Let me also add that he met her 2 months ago. When they met, she had a boyfriend. Within the first month of them knowing each other, she broke up with her boyfriend, started dating my friend, got both of their selves thrown in jail due to a custody dispute between her and her baby daddy, and got her baby taken away to which she expected people to donate money for court costs to get her baby back. Are you crazy!? And now, after 2 months of them even knowing each other, they're getting married. Not to mention that  he is 35 and she is 21... a very immature 21 year old. I understand that there are costs in life, but seriously? I just thought it was really inappropriate and tacky to formally announce to friends that you were getting married when you don't even have an engagement ring. The whole of everything was just utterly ridiculous to me. And while I have to admit that I've told 2 people we were getting married, I wouldn't dare formally announce it without a ring or even tell me family. Thoughts on the subject?

You absolutely do not have to have an engagement ring in order to be engaged. 

You sound really freaking judgey of your friend, his FI, and their relationship.

bethsmiles

Wow, judgey much? I see absolutely nothing tacky about the way they announced their engagement. You don't need a ring to be engaged and it's really none of your business.

My thoughts on the subject are that you sound like a really crappy friend.

elizabethnoelWed175813

Don't get me wrong, I love my friend, but he's also my same friend that is in love with love. He fell in love with a girl once that he met online, talked to once, and knew for a day. The next day, he decided he was going to marry her. This has happened at least 3 other times, so yes, I am a little judgmental. Marriage should be something special and not common. That goes for being engaged as well. 

bethsmiles

So he falls for people fast. Some people are like that and yes sometimes it leads to bad decisions but it's not your place at all to judge his relationship or assume you know everything about it. Just because the engagement was fast and they don't have a ring doesn't mean they aren't taking it seriously or that their engagement means any less. I'm sure your friend would think twice about being your friend if he read what you posted here. Get off your high horse.

And honestly, you sound a little jealous that you aren't the one that is engaged.

leia1979

Does it sound like your friend is rushing and maybe not exercising the best judgment? Yes. But was it tacky to announce their engagement? Hell no. You don't need a ring.

I can understand being a little judgy in this situation, but you are judging the wrong thing.

elizabethnoelWed175813

I think I might actually be judging the wrong thing. And I understand falling in love fast, but there is quite a difference in falling in love fast and falling in love with everyone you see. I'm not jealous at all. I guess I am just tired of this same thing happening over and over and when it doesn't work out with the woman, I hear about how depressed he is. Until he finds another girl, of course. It's insanity to me. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

KeptInStitches

I agree with Leia. Honestly, Elizabeth, I read your post and just felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. Judge them for maybe not exercising good judgment or moving too fast, but for not having a ring?

bethsmiles

Well if the same thing happens this time around, when he complains give him a big dose of reality about the choices he makes. But just in case it does work out, don't voice your opinion on the matter.

KeptInStitches

bethsmiles said:

Well if the same thing happens this time around, when he complains give him a big dose of reality about the choices he makes. But just in case it does work out, don't voice your opinion on the matter.

This. To paraphrase Christopher Titus, Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry I said your fiancee was a bad idea" card.

bethsmiles

KeptInStitches said:

bethsmiles said:

Well if the same thing happens this time around, when he complains give him a big dose of reality about the choices he makes. But just in case it does work out, don't voice your opinion on the matter.

This. To paraphrase Christopher Titus, Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry I said your fiancee was a bad idea" card.

Haha...that's funny. I've never heard that.

elizabethnoelWed175813

I have told them that whatever makes them happy is fine and great. I am def being judgy, it's hard not to with him and his record. However, I never was rude to him about it. Did I take him aside and ask if he was serious? yes. Did I encourage him to wait at least a while to make sure things were going to work out this time? yes. But I never said I wasn't happy that he was happy, only worried that it would be like every other time. I don't think that's being a bad friend. I think it's a lot easier to see things when you aren't the one in a situation. He's a wonderful person and I want to see him happy. It's hard to take some situations seriously though. 

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

I have told them that whatever makes them happy is fine and great. I am def being judgy, it's hard not to with him and his record. However, I never was rude to him about it. Did I take him aside and ask if he was serious? yes. Did I encourage him to wait at least a while to make sure things were going to work out this time? yes. But I never said I wasn't happy that he was happy, only worried that it would be like every other time. I don't think that's being a bad friend. I think it's a lot easier to see things when you aren't the one in a situation. He's a wonderful person and I want to see him happy. It's hard to take some situations seriously though. 

I don't think that makes you a bad friend. But would you show him what you wrote in your OP?

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elizabethnoelWed175813

I would actually. After all this time, I just don't sugar coat things anymore for him. If I say it nicely he doesn't understand. The only things he understands are facts. 

KeptInStitches

So just to make sure I have this clear: You would tell your friend that he and his fiancee are not engaged if they don't have a ring? That this "infraction" would be inappropriate and tacky?

Because that, in my mind, is the hallmark of a bad friend.

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

I would actually. After all this time, I just don't sugar coat things anymore for him. If I say it nicely he doesn't understand. The only things he understands are facts. 

Just understand, your opinions aren't always facts.

elizabethnoelWed175813

Correction: I wouldn't use those words. I would tell him that if this time was special to him then it needs to be different than the others. He should take it seriously. That I didn't want to see him hurt again. 

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

I would actually. After all this time, I just don't sugar coat things anymore for him. If I say it nicely he doesn't understand. The only things he understands are facts. 

Just understand, your opinions aren't always facts.

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

Correction: I wouldn't use those words. I would tell him that if this time was special to him then it needs to be different than the others. He should take it seriously. That I didn't want to see him hurt again. 

Yeah, I thought so.

elizabethnoelWed175813

I never said that the ring had to be thousands of dollars, but in general when someone asks another person to marry them, then they get down on one knee with a ring. Walmart has sterling silver rings that are pretty cheap. There are rings for $20. This is where the "judgy" part of the ring came in. No, indeed you do not have to have a ring to get married, but you told your "special" fiance that she could just wear one of the costume rings she had in her closet that she bought herself... 

KeptInStitches

They don't have to. I know there's a lady on here whose FI proposed by changing their Facebook relationship status to "Engaged." That was perfect for her.

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

I never said that the ring had to be thousands of dollars, but in general when someone asks another person to marry them, then they get down on one knee with a ring. Walmart has sterling silver rings that are pretty cheap. There are rings for $20. This is where the "judgy" part of the ring came in. No, indeed you do not have to have a ring to get married, but you told your "special" fiance that she could just wear one of the costume rings she had in her closet that she bought herself... 

See this is still SUPER judgey. Clearly, a ring is important to you and that's fine. I want a ring when I get engaged too but not everyone does and that doesn't make their engagement any less special. There is plenty worthy of judgement in this story but lack of a ring really isn't.

elizabethnoelWed175813

It's not just the ring! It's the WHOLE situation. In general. 

Vintagelove4

I agree with PPs, you don't need to have a ring to be engaged.
There are things that would worry me but it's not the fact that they have no ring. In your post you came across not only very judgmental but very jealous of their engagement as well. That's just my two cents.

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

It's not just the ring! It's the WHOLE situation. In general. 

But why bring up the ring? Pretty much everyone is saying that the whole situation is off but the ring (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with anything.

elizabethnoelWed175813

I give up. I'm judgemental. 

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

I give up. I'm judgemental. 

Yes you are.

elizabethnoelWed175813

Ok. Drop the ring part. The situation is STILL messed up. 

bethsmiles

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

Ok. Drop the ring part. The situation is STILL messed up. 

That's what pretty much everyone has been saying. No one is disagreeing with you there.

pesematology

elizabethnoelWed175813 said:

My boyfriend and I have talked several times about getting married alone and with close friends (By close friends I mean my roommate and our other best friend that is always at our house). We've even been to pick out rings together, so all there is left is for him to actually buy the ring and ask me. We normally do Sunday dinner with several friends every Sunday. This past Sunday, one of my oldest friends (male) and his very new girlfriend were whispering. When I asked what they were whispering about, they decided to announce that they were engaged and had been for two weeks. My first question was of course, "Where is the ring?". The response was that they hadn't gotten one yet because of various expenses they had recently spent together (a car, court fees to get this girls baby back, bail money from when they both got put in jail (yeah...I know)). She also added that for the time being, she would just wear a costume ring that she already has... What!?! Let me also add that he met her 2 months ago. When they met, she had a boyfriend. Within the first month of them knowing each other, she broke up with her boyfriend, started dating my friend, got both of their selves thrown in jail due to a custody dispute between her and her baby daddy, and got her baby taken away to which she expected people to donate money for court costs to get her baby back. Are you crazy!? And now, after 2 months of them even knowing each other, they're getting married. Not to mention that  he is 35 and she is 21... a very immature 21 year old. I understand that there are costs in life, but seriously? I just thought it was really inappropriate and tacky to formally announce to friends that you were getting married when you don't even have an engagement ring. The whole of everything was just utterly ridiculous to me. And while I have to admit that I've told 2 people we were getting married, I wouldn't dare formally announce it without a ring or even tell me family. Thoughts on the subject?

They're fine, you were rude.