Is there a way to politely uninvite someone to be a bridesmaid?

Emmy226

After my fiance popped the question, I asked one of my close friends if she would be my maid of honor.  Sadly, she and I are now not getting along. She constantly stands me up when we have plans together (all completely un-wedding related) and has been very ugly to me when I call her on it.  My fiance was actually the one that suggested that I not use her in the wedding because he is concerned that she will no-show on our big day and upset me.  I feel horrible asking her to not be part of the wedding party, but I don't know what else to do.  Any advice?

misshart00

Nope. But let her know when the deadline for purchasing the dress is. If she doesn't buy it, she takes herself out.

KatWAG

Nina7805 said:

After my fiance popped the question, I asked one of my close friends if she would be my maid of honor.  Sadly, she and I are now not getting along. She constantly stands me up when we have plans together (all completely un-wedding related) and has been very ugly to me when I call her on it.  My fiance was actually the one that suggested that I not use her in the wedding because he is concerned that she will no-show on our big day and upset me.  I feel horrible asking her to not be part of the wedding party, but I don't know what else to do.  Any advice?

NO NO NO

Unasking a MOH is a friendship ending move. Are you okay with ending the friendship?

Have you talked to her about why you both arent communicating well?

krizzo17

Nina7805 said:

After my fiance popped the question, I asked one of my close friends if she would be my maid of honor.  Sadly, she and I are now not getting along. She constantly stands me up when we have plans together (all completely un-wedding related) and has been very ugly to me when I call her on it.  My fiance was actually the one that suggested that I not use her in the wedding because he is concerned that she will no-show on our big day and upset me.  I feel horrible asking her to not be part of the wedding party, but I don't know what else to do.  Any advice?

You don't "use" people in your wedding, you include them. She is standing up for you as your friend to show she supports your marriage, she isn't just a prop.

That aside, no, there is no polite way. You need to decide if her recent behavior is enough to want to never be friends with her again, because you can pretty much guarantee that's what will happen if you un-ask her.

Emmy226

Yes, I have.  I attempted to speak to her in person, and when that didn't work, I wrote her a letter.  She is not very receptive.  I'm usually a go-with-the-flow kind of person, but her attitude towards me of late has been so horrible that I finally spoke up. 

itzMS

Nina7805 said:

After my fiance popped the question, I asked one of my close friends if she would be my maid of honor.  Sadly, she and I are now not getting along. She constantly stands me up when we have plans together (all completely un-wedding related) and has been very ugly to me when I call her on it.  My fiance was actually the one that suggested that I not use her in the wedding because he is concerned that she will no-show on our big day and upset me.  I feel horrible asking her to not be part of the wedding party, but I don't know what else to do.  Any advice?

Any chance she had/has something going on in her life and you missed it? Do you talk about your wedding too much and not ask her things about her life? Have you asked/demanded that she do tasks for the wedding? I ask because it's fairly uncommon for a friend good enough to be your MOH to just disappear from your life unless she has good reason.

I feel like there's something missing here.

arrippa

There is no polite way of doing this since it's not very polite to kick someone out of the wedding. If you do this, please know this is a friendship ending move. Has she always been like this or is this new behavior? If it's new, I would try to find out why. Maybe there is something else going on with her.

Emmy226

Not at all!  She is the one that usually dominates conversations.  I haven't asked her to do ANYTHING yet. 

AddieCake

Maggie0829

Take a second and sitch positions with her.  How would you feel if you were her MOH and she told you that you were no longer invited to be in the WP?  Would you be hurt, sad, upset?  Most likely yes.  Even if she said it in the nicest and most polite way possible it would still feel like a slap in the face.

So, the answer to your question is that ther is no polite way to fire a BM or MOH.

As for your friends behavior, was she always a bit flaky?  If so, you can't expect her to change now that you have included her in your wedding.  And when you "call her out" on standing you up are you somewhat nice about it or are you "Where the fuck were you?"  Because if it is the latter I would probably get defensive and ugly as well.

misssunshine17

When is your wedding? Has she always been flaky? 

Emmy226

8 months away

misssunshine17

You: omg, my wedding is 8 months away!

Her: okay... it's still 8 full months. 

No one will be as excited as you, and if she's always been flaky, I'm not sure why you think it would change because you're getting married. 

If you kick her out, it'll reflect badly on you. After the wedding, if you feel the same, let the relationship naturally fizzle. 

soontobehanby

You have 8 months. Don't destroy a friendship yet. It seems she is acting drastically different. Something may be wrong. Put your wedding out if the picture and focus on your friend.

itzMS

Nina7805 said:

8 months away

FWIW, my MOH didn't even begin to mention the word "wedding" or show any interest in the day until about 2-2.5 months out.

I still think if it's out of character for her to ditch out on plans, that something else is going on here. Are you SURE you didn't miss her birthday or something?

soontobehanby

coopergirl15 said:

The above advice is consigned by me. If you still have a somewhat open line of communication, I would try to find out what may have happened to cause the shift in her behavior. I would say something like: "Friend, I noticed recently that we haven't been getting along very well and I'm concerned that something is bothering you. I don't know whether it's something I've done. Can we meet for lunch/dinner/drinks to talk about it? My treat. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose our friendship."

Then follow through, listen carefully to what she says and see if you two can patch things up and move on. Good luck! But do not kick her out of the wedding party. It would be a horrendously rude and selfish move on your part. The problem may not be her at this point.

Do all of this. 8 months is still a long time. My moh didn't get involved until the rehearsal dinner. Give her time.

KatWAG

Nina7805 said:

Yes, I have.  I attempted to speak to her in person, and when that didn't work, I wrote her a letter.  She is not very receptive.  I'm usually a go-with-the-flow kind of person, but her attitude towards me of late has been so horrible that I finally spoke up. 

Am I the only one who finds this odd? I think face- to- face might go a little better.

southernbelle0915

KatWAG said:

Nina7805 said:

Yes, I have.  I attempted to speak to her in person, and when that didn't work, I wrote her a letter.  She is not very receptive.  I'm usually a go-with-the-flow kind of person, but her attitude towards me of late has been so horrible that I finally spoke up. 

Am I the only one who finds this odd? I think face- to- face might go a little better.

Sounds like she tried that.

TheBaysideBride

If she's a good enough friend to be your MOH, just be an adult and talk to her, in person or over the phone. Tell her you miss her, you want to catch up and make plans to see each other and talk.

It difficult - at my first dress fitting one of my best friends came w/ me, I didn't ask her to be in the WP but her D is my flower girl, and out of the blue she asked if she had done anything wrote. And I told her no, that I chose a really stupid WP and that in retrospect thinking that she would be too busy to be in the WP was very dumb on my part. we cleared the air in 2 minutes, after it was bothering her for 6 months. She just had to put her big girls shoes on and ask me directly what was up. And now, we are even closer.

Peledreamsofrain

There are questions in life that can't be asked nicely.

1.) Are you gaining weight?
2.) Shouldn't you handle your finances better?
3.) You think your children are cute?
4.) Would you mind leaving the bridal party?

harper0813

8 months is pretty far still. And like PPs said, if she doesn't buy a dress, she's taking herself out. But there is no polite way to kick a BM out of your party.

Give her space and time. Especially after writing a letter - letters usually come off as passive-aggressive.

Emmy226

Thank you for all of the helpful (and not so helpful, i.e. bitchy) advice.  I think I'll take it from here.

misshart00

Nina7805 said:

Thank you for all of the helpful (and not so helpful, i.e. bitchy) advice.  I think I'll take it from here.

Who was "bitchy"?

AddieCake

misshart00 said:

Thank you for all of the helpful (and not so helpful, i.e. bitchy) advice.  I think I'll take it from here.

Who was "bitchy"?

It couldn't have been me. My sign was a cute poem. And it was rustic. 

NOLAbridealmost

Nina7805 said:

Thank you for all of the helpful (and not so helpful, i.e. bitchy) advice.  I think I'll take it from here.

Honest question: what "bitchy" post didn't precisely answer the question you asked? There IS no polite way to uninvite someone to be a bridesmaid.....are you actually surprised by this?

soontobehanby

StageManager14 said:

I love it when people call names because they didn't like the advice they were given. It definitely makes me think their original bad idea was totally misunderstood and puts me on their side of the debate.

Exactly. OP, I am totally on your side now!! Kick her out! I mean, it's your day after all! 

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Emmy226

Silly me!  I assumed that since we are all supposedly adults on here, people would offer advice in a tactful, non-attacking manner.  I had forgotten how catty people can get on message boards.  It seems to me that people will say nasty things just to have the opportunity to run their mouths. 

misshart00

Nina7805 said:

Silly me!  I assumed that since we are all supposedly adults on here, people would offer advice in a tactful, non-attacking manner.  I had forgotten how catty people can get on message boards.  It seems to me that people will say nasty things just to have the opportunity to run their mouths. 

Yet you still didn't answer my question.

TheBaysideBride

Nina - I agree, we did give you contructive advice and shared personal experiences. I don't think anything comes close to being bitchy. But turning around and by not be precise in your answer calling the posters on this board bitchy is ridiculous. You got good advice. clarify your statement.

aphrodite0869

Honestly, all you can do is try to talk to her.  If she doesn't want to talk to you then there is nothing you can do.  Inform her of dress fittings and get together s and if she doesn't come or decide to be a part of it then she is taking herself out, you do not have to do it yourself.  Make sure you haven't missed something.  I would personally ask if I did something wrong and if I haven't there is absolutely NOTHING you can do.  Kicking someone out of the WP will ruin the friendship because no matter what someone is not going to understand even if they are acting in the wrong. I am kind of on the same page.  I have a BM who moved 7 hours away and I can not get in touch with her to save my life.  I have called and text, left messages and nothing.  Now my wedding is still 14 months away (so there is plenty of time like with yours) and I am still going to let her know when things are going on but if she doesn't respond, there is nothing I can do about it.  Even though I feel stressed (b/c I need budgets for dresses to find a good one they can afford) it is what it is and now I just have to wait and see what happens and be prepared if she choose not to be apart of our wedding.  Hope everything works for you.