Not Engaged Yet

Pre-engagement to do lists

Mark and I are in that mode - the pre-engagement mode.He knows I'm working on it, but there is so much to discuss and decide on when planning out everything - not just the wedding, but after-wedding, living, family, planning for the future.... Another question is - how to get him to pop that question sooner rather than later? What are the biggest elements to it all 
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Re: Pre-engagement to do lists

  • Mark and I are in that mode - the pre-engagement mode.He knows I'm working on it, but there is so much to discuss and decide on when planning out everything - not just the wedding, but after-wedding, living, family, planning for the future.... Another question is - how to get him to pop that question sooner rather than later? What are the biggest elements to it all 
    What is pre-engagement mode? Why would you start planning a wedding before you get engaged? And why would you want to push a man to propose?



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    *sigh* Clearly you haven't lurked...

    I know that the time right before a couple gets engaged is very exciting. There all sorts of anticipation hanging in the air. But you need to stop and breathe. The whole point of the engagement is to plan the wedding so absolutely NO wedding planning, none, zip, nada needs to happen before your BF proposes.

    As for making him propose sooner rather than later...DO NOT DO THIS!! Do not pressure your BF into propose before he is 100% ready. Let him propose on his own time. Just because he knows he wants to marry you doesn't mean he is ready for marriage rightthissecond. So just sit back and know that it will happen when it's supposed to.

    Talking with your SO about the future is always a good idea. And it can help with the waiting. Have a talk about where you see both yourselves individually and as a couple in one, five, and ten years. Discuss serious issues like if you want to have kids (and all the serious topics that go along with that), how you will handle finances, how you will split holidays with families, whatever. All that talk is good and healthy in a relationship. But you need to just chill with the engagement and wedding stuff.

    ETA: What the hell does it mean when you say "he knows on working on it" What are you working on?


  • @LivLeighton - She did read it, even commented on it...clearly the message didn't stick :/


  • There is no such thing as being pre engaged either you are engaged or you aren't.  I certainly wouldn't push him to propose at all.  When he is ready he will propose to you.

    Once you are engaged then you can discuss the details of wedding planning and the future.  You will have plenty of time to figure those things out together.  Otherwise relax and as Liv said enjoy your relationship where it is now.

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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Mark and I are in that mode - the pre-engagement mode.He knows I'm working on it, but there is so much to discuss and decide on when planning out everything - not just the wedding, but after-wedding, living, family, planning for the future.... Another question is - how to get him to pop that question sooner rather than later? What are the biggest elements to it all 

    Regarding the bolded: discuss that "after-wedding" stuff first, because that is what's important - where you'll live, finances, kids, all that good stuff that you need to be able to agree or compromise on. That's how you know you have a future together at all, and a good one at that. This kind of planning is good and encouraged, as long as these talks don't totally overshadow everything else between you and your BF.

    Otherwise, relax and enjoy your relationship for what it is. Don't push him to propose, and don't pre-plan your wedding. Let those things happen naturally. Any other approach is asking for trouble and disharmony between the two of you, which is so unnecessary.

  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    There's a to-do list? Apparently I'm doing my "pre-engagement" all wrong. I fail. #sarcasm.

    Also, I know it's an exciting time. Bf and I will be engaged by the end of the year. You know what we're doing now? Enjoying everything! If we want to spend a weekend drinking and doing nothing, that's what we do because who knows what's going to happen next summer. Just relax, don't plan a to-do list and have fun.

    ETA: 2nd paragraph

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  • There are no to-do lists for before you get engaged. Just live your life and enjoy your relationship and BF. It's really not as complicated as you're making it out to be. 



  • *sigh* Clearly you haven't lurked...

    I know that the time right before a couple gets engaged is very exciting. There all sorts of anticipation hanging in the air. But you need to stop and breathe. The whole point of the engagement is to plan the wedding so absolutely NO wedding planning, none, zip, nada needs to happen before your BF proposes.

    As for making him propose sooner rather than later...DO NOT DO THIS!! Do not pressure your BF into propose before he is 100% ready. Let him propose on his own time. Just because he knows he wants to marry you doesn't mean he is ready for marriage rightthissecond. So just sit back and know that it will happen when it's supposed to.

    Talking with your SO about the future is always a good idea. And it can help with the waiting. Have a talk about where you see both yourselves individually and as a couple in one, five, and ten years. Discuss serious issues like if you want to have kids (and all the serious topics that go along with that), how you will handle finances, how you will split holidays with families, whatever. All that talk is good and healthy in a relationship. But you need to just chill with the engagement and wedding stuff.

    ETA: What the hell does it mean when you say "he knows on working on it" What are you working on?
    The bolded a thousand times over. Knowing you want to marry someone and being ready to propose are two different things. Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but don't pressure him about getting engaged, just enjoy your relationship and do the work (i.e. the tough conversations) to make sure your relationship is heading in the right direction.
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  • @laurenb09 I would 100% be okay with being pre-engaged to that gif. 



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  • I think we should have a pre-engagement orgy with that gif!  Gawd he's hot.

     

    oh right and what Shoes said.  Believe me, you WANT the short list because after you are engaged the list never, ever, ever, ever ends.



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  • I think we should have a pre-engagement orgy with that gif!  Gawd he's hot.

     

    oh right and what Shoes said.  Believe me, you WANT the short list because after you are engaged the list never, ever, ever, ever ends.

    Ahem. ALL of this....
    But particularly the bottom. lol

    Stop pushing so hard and making up unnecessary to-do lists for imaginary relationship stages because once you are engaged this list truly does feel never ending.

    But, do talk about all those things you listed. Have you talked about any of those things yet?
    Do you both want kids?
    What kinds of debts do you each have?
    Who's gonna do the dishes?


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  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited June 2013
    So eloquently stated Shoes.  Obviously I failed at this whole engagement and married ordeal.  I never in a million years thought there was a pre-engagement list.  Of course if I knew I would have put....

    • Wax eyebrows and upper lip
    • Feed the dogs
    • Pick up dry cleaning
    • Go to grocery store and get some milk....

    WAIT a minute that's my normal to do list, well as you can see there isn't a pre engagement list, just what you do normally.  So stick to that, don't push your boyfriend to propose sooner, don't plan your venues, colors and menu.  Please don't look at dresses.  Go one with your life enjoy the summer, I hear its nice outside.


    What do you like to do in the summer?

  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My partner and I are planning to be engaged at the end of the summer, and we're already researching venues and vendors because we will be paying for everything ourselves and are quite not-rich (1 grad student, 1 administrative assistant with all the student loan debt ever). We've designed/ordered rings, and are excited about surprising our families at the end of the summer.

    However, before any marriage discussions happened, we did the "after-wedding" stuff. Otherwise, how do you know you'd want to marry someone?

    As for everyone's favorite part of your question--how do you get him to propose to you?--I can SO not help you there, for so many reasons. My partner and I wanted our engagement to come out of a mutual discussion and not involve any hinting or surprise. No "getting" anyone to propose to the other person.

    Here's what I suggest:

    1) Spend time with your boyfriend and enjoy spending time with him.
    2) When you decide you are ready to marry him, tell him.
    3) When he decides he's ready to marry you, he should tell you.
    4) In the meantime, repeat step 1.

    I SOLVED IT.
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  • I just found this quote on pinterest, and immediately thought of this thread.

    "The more you are focused on time - past and future - the more you miss the now, the most precious thing there is."

    Okay, it's sappy, and I'm sappy, but seriously, what happens if your SO gets hit by a bus in a week? You remember how pissed off you were with him those days before his untimely demise because you didn't get a ring? Come on.

    I am also begging to be in the Adam Levine orgy. HOTTNESS defined.
  • phira said:
    My partner and I are planning to be engaged at the end of the summer, and we're already researching venues and vendors because we will be paying for everything ourselves and are quite not-rich (1 grad student, 1 administrative assistant with all the student loan debt ever). We've designed/ordered rings, and are excited about surprising our families at the end of the summer.

    However, before any marriage discussions happened, we did the "after-wedding" stuff. Otherwise, how do you know you'd want to marry someone?

    As for everyone's favorite part of your question--how do you get him to propose to you?--I can SO not help you there, for so many reasons. My partner and I wanted our engagement to come out of a mutual discussion and not involve any hinting or surprise. No "getting" anyone to propose to the other person.

    Here's what I suggest:

    1) Spend time with your boyfriend and enjoy spending time with him.
    2) When you decide you are ready to marry him, tell him.
    3) When he decides he's ready to marry you, he should tell you.
    4) In the meantime, repeat step 1.

    I SOLVED IT.
    You really don't need to be doing ANY wedding planning before you are engaged. You can look and prices and whatnot during your engagement.


  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We actually had to start saving several months ago, so we've had to get an idea of a guest list and what venues cost in the area. There are reasons we're waiting to be officially/publicly engaged, but we couldn't wait on everything.
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  • phira said:
    We actually had to start saving several months ago, so we've had to get an idea of a guest list and what venues cost in the area. There are reasons we're waiting to be officially/publicly engaged, but we couldn't wait on everything.
    Ugh...there is only engaged or not engaged. You cannot be unofficially engaged. And nothing you say will make me think you needed to pre-plan.


  • phira said:
    We actually had to start saving several months ago, so we've had to get an idea of a guest list and what venues cost in the area. There are reasons we're waiting to be officially/publicly engaged, but we couldn't wait on everything.
    It's great that you are saving now, but there is no need to plan guest lists or look at venues now.  FI and I talked about getting married a lot, and both new that we would be paying for the wedding ourselves.  We both diligently put money in our savings, but nothing that was specifically marked for the wedding.  Once we got engaged we were able to comfortably come up with a budget that fit our timeline. 

    You can wait to be engaged to do these things.  

    I agree with @bethsmiles that you are either engaged or not engaged.  You either have officially agreed to get married and are engaged, or have simply discussed the future together with the potential of marriage and are not engaged.
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  • @beanbot2002 this is how I always pictured JC (wearing a tuxedo, dancing and on a cracker!).

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  • @buddysmom I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt. Because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."



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  • BriSox81 said:
    @buddysmom I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt. Because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."

    Well, of course. I mean, his first miracle was turning water to wine for a party.
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  • @brisox81 YESSSSS! Dear sweet baby jesus......

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  • Just date and enjoy it. For awhile I was stressing about getting engaged. When is he going to ask, why is he taking so long, ect. I realized that I was getting upset over NOTHING! I finally dropped it and started to enjoy our relationship. Enjoy that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We weren't engaged, but that didn't mean that we were any less happy or any less committed to each other. 

    When I dropped the idea of "engagement prepping" it happened. It was a complete surprise and was one of the best moments of my life. Later on my FI and I were talking and I asked him why he decided to ask me when he did....you know what he said? "Because you weren't bugging me or planning anything. You were being you." He says that the more you pressure boys the more likely they are not to do something. So, the more you leave him alone the more likely he will do something. 

    As for planning a wedding before being engaged because of finances, I call horse poop! My FI and I did not start planning/saving for a wedding until after we got engaged. Finances are an issue for us so we are having a long engagement to save for a nice wedding. Just have a longer engagement. You shouldnt plan until he proposes. 

    Just my opinion.
  • Jean0715 said:


    Just date and enjoy it. For awhile I was stressing about getting engaged. When is he going to ask, why is he taking so long, ect. I realized that I was getting upset over NOTHING! I finally dropped it and started to enjoy our relationship. Enjoy that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We weren't engaged, but that didn't mean that we were any less happy or any less committed to each other. 

    When I dropped the idea of "engagement prepping" it happened. It was a complete surprise and was one of the best moments of my life. Later on my FI and I were talking and I asked him why he decided to ask me when he did....you know what he said? "Because you weren't bugging me or planning anything. You were being you." He says that the more you pressure boys the more likely they are not to do something. So, the more you leave him alone the more likely he will do something. 

    As for planning a wedding before being engaged because of finances, I call horse poop! My FI and I did not start planning/saving for a wedding until after we got engaged. Finances are an issue for us so we are having a long engagement to save for a nice wedding. Just have a longer engagement. You shouldnt plan until he proposes. 

    Just my opinion.
    LoveloveLOVE the bolded! I would tape it to my bathroom mirror if it wouldn't make me feel like a weirdo, so I guess I'll just have to take it to heart. But this is exactly right.

    And also, it feels much better to be myself, to ME, than a pre-planning zombie. Just sayin'.
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