Not Engaged Yet

Pre-engagement to do lists

2

Re: Pre-engagement to do lists

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  • @beanbot2002 I love dancing Jesus!!!

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  • @brisox81:
    "I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey."

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  • phira said:
    We actually had to start saving several months ago, so we've had to get an idea of a guest list and what venues cost in the area. There are reasons we're waiting to be officially/publicly engaged, but we couldn't wait on everything.
    No, you chose to. It's fine that you chose to start saving without "announcing" your plans to marry (aka engagement), but don't spin your choices as things you had to do. There are very few things in life we have to/must do, and a whole lot of things we choose to do.
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  • cbrown828 said:
    phira said:
    We actually had to start saving several months ago, so we've had to get an idea of a guest list and what venues cost in the area. There are reasons we're waiting to be officially/publicly engaged, but we couldn't wait on everything.
    No, you chose to. It's fine that you chose to start saving without "announcing" your plans to marry (aka engagement), but don't spin your choices as things you had to do. There are very few things in life we have to/must do, and a whole lot of things we choose to do.
    Agreed. You are not a special snowflake who was forced into pre-planning with no other options.


  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think it's fair to say that you're right--we don't have to do things the way we're doing it. But I'd like to at least get to define my own relationship. We don't consider ourselves engaged; we're not secretly engaged and just not telling other people. I don't like the popular narrative where one person waits and waits and waits to be proposed to, and there's as little mention of "our wedding" before that. My partner and I are doing what makes us feel comfortable and what works for our lives. We're not engaged, although we will be in a couple of months, AND we are also saving up and brainstorming.

    My issue with what the OP said wasn't that she said she's pre-engaged. It's that she's trying to make her boyfriend propose to her.

    I'm not going to police people who think I'm being weird or unreasonable, but I'd appreciate it if people would, ya know, not tell me that I'm going about my personal and financial life the wrong way.
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  • That is a sassy looking honey badger!

    Also to a PP, if you're looking at/pricing venues you're pre-planning. All I know is that a wedding where I live could cost between $250 (my coworker is a JOP, that's his fee) and $50000 (my friend's wedding). Other than that, we're not saving specifically for a wedding or scouting venues. That's what our engagement is for. My mom planned a nice wedding in two months, I have faith I could do the same if need be.

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  • phira said:
    I think it's fair to say that you're right--we don't have to do things the way we're doing it. But I'd like to at least get to define my own relationship. We don't consider ourselves engaged; we're not secretly engaged and just not telling other people. I don't like the popular narrative where one person waits and waits and waits to be proposed to, and there's as little mention of "our wedding" before that. My partner and I are doing what makes us feel comfortable and what works for our lives. We're not engaged, although we will be in a couple of months, AND we are also saving up and brainstorming.

    My issue with what the OP said wasn't that she said she's pre-engaged. It's that she's trying to make her boyfriend propose to her.

    I'm not going to police people who think I'm being weird or unreasonable, but I'd appreciate it if people would, ya know, not tell me that I'm going about my personal and financial life the wrong way.


    I never said you were doing anything wrong. I simply pointed out a thinking error.

    My FI and I talked about our wedding and engagement a lot in the 3 months before he actually asked me to marry him and put the ring on my finger. We talked about places we might like to look at once we got engaged and started planning, talked about small vs. large events, discussed how much of our hard earned and saved cash we were willing to spend. But I didn't tell anyone we "had to" do any of that. We chose to because it made sense for our relationship, and I don't doubt it makes sense for yours to. But had I told anyone we "had to" do any of those things, I would have surely received some eye rolls.

    P.S. I believe my patronus is that honey badger.

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  • I personally have no problem with people saving up for anything, even if that something is a wedding. It's always good to have money in savings regardless of where you are in your relationship. I also have no problem with people discussing their life after the wedding. In fact, I think that's a necessity. 

    I do, however, find it odd to contact venues for a wedding before you're engaged. 



  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013

    @brisox81, I'm picking up with you're putting down, but here's my thing. My BF and I put money aside every week for a "slush fund" yes, that's what we call it, I don't know how the name came up. Anyway, when we do get engaged we'll use that money for the wedding. But in the meantime if like some big emergency happened, or we just wanted to get the hell out of town for the weekend and needed money we wouldn't be like "OMG DON'T TOUCH THE SLUSH FUND, IT'S FOR THE WEDDING!" We would use that money. So, PP is that what you're doing or is it specifically for the wedding because to me, that's a big thing right there.

    I'm all hopped up on Mountain Dew. Seriously. After you typed that I went to the vending machine and bought one.

    ETA: You and I are on the same thinking level right now. I2I my friend!

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  • edited June 2013
    @swazzle - I agree. However, @phira said they were researching prices. Now, common sense may say "that means they contacted venues" - which, if it were FOR PRICING ONLY (not making any decisions or signing contracts) I don't see what the problem is. Most of this stuff can be done online now anyway - so does that make a difference? ie. we found the pricing for one venue online, but the other didn't have pricing on the website, so we made a phone call to compare. 

    ETA: rdr is swazzle. Dammit.



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  • @buddysmom80, I don't know where "slush fund" came from either, but that's what my grandpa used to call the spending money he gave me weekly. Today that makes me smile. I needed to smile. I miss him. Thank you.
  • @BriSox81 - None of venues we considered had pricing online so I had to contact all of them (I'm talking like 20 places). All of them responded with "Congratulations on your engagement!" in the very first line. I would feel really weird getting that back when I wasn't engaged. I'm sure other people would feel just fine about it would weird me out. 

    I just don't understand why anyone NEEDS to do this before they're engaged and planning a wedding.



  • @keptinstiches I like to imagine the slush puppy guy from the bodegas guarding our money. I think I got the phrase from my dad who probably got it from his dad.

    @brisox81, I agree, looking at stuff online is like driving through a nice neighborhood that you know you can't afford *waves hand proudly!* I know I couldn't afford the houses, but it was a nice "what-if". Calling them, meh, it depends on the venue. Some of the places might be like "oh when's the big day, oh what's this, what's that" then you're kind of looking like a fool where you're saying to them: "well, I'm not even engaged, so I don't have a date".

    TBH I would feel weird if I called them right now. But that's just me.

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  • Swazzle said:
    @BriSox81 - None of venues we considered had pricing online so I had to contact all of them (I'm talking like 20 places). All of them responded with "Congratulations on your engagement!" in the very first line. I would feel really weird getting that back when I wasn't engaged. I'm sure other people would feel just fine about it would weird me out. 

    I just don't understand why anyone NEEDS to do this before they're engaged and planning a wedding.
    I think this is where I'm at too. I just can't wrap my head around why anyone feels the need to do any of this wedding stuff before getting engaged.


  • I think the main point is that there is egregious pre-planning (which we do see on here), and there is pre-planning that doesn't hurt anyone - YOU may feel weird getting "congrats on your engagement" after an inquiry email/phone call, but someone else may not. That doesn't mean that it's OMG the worst thing EVERRRRRR. Circumstances are different for everyone, you don't know all of their personal situations, and I don't think it's fair to judge someone for doing something they feel is right for their relationship in a financial/personal sense just because it would make YOU feel uncomfortable.

    Now, buying a dress and keeping it in the closet before you're engaged? Crazytrain, party of one.

    Trying to figure out ways to MAKE your boyfriend propose to you? Where's the closest padded room? 



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  • So who decides what's acceptable pre-planning and what isn't?

    Buying a wedding dress before being engaged doesn't actually hurt anyone either and the women who do this obviously don't feel weird about doing it although other women might.



  • BriSox81 said:
    I think the main point is that there is egregious pre-planning (which we do see on here), and there is pre-planning that doesn't hurt anyone - YOU may feel weird getting "congrats on your engagement" after an inquiry email/phone call, but someone else may not. That doesn't mean that it's OMG the worst thing EVERRRRRR. Circumstances are different for everyone, you don't know all of their personal situations, and I don't think it's fair to judge someone for doing something they feel is right for their relationship in a financial/personal sense just because it would make YOU feel uncomfortable.

    Now, buying a dress and keeping it in the closet before you're engaged? Crazytrain, party of one.

    Trying to figure out ways to MAKE your boyfriend propose to you? Where's the closest padded room? 
    Really? Because it seems to me you are doing the exact same thing to the woman who buys her dress before getting engaged. It would make YOU uncomfortable but not these ladies.


  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    sorry double post!


  • I just feel like (and this is my opinion) that if my bf found out what I was researching that would be the baseline of my BSC. Ffs, he was the one that said at a Christmas party he wanted to have a wedding reception there. I thought it was weird he said that, but I got over it. So for him, researching venues wouldn't be a deal-breaker. Trying on wedding dresses? Probably. I'm also the type that thinks if I do this stuff now, it's bad juju or something. That's why I don't do it.

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  • Swazzle said:
    So who decides what's acceptable pre-planning and what isn't? Buying a wedding dress before being engaged doesn't actually hurt anyone either and the women who do this obviously don't feel weird about doing it although other women might.
    You & @bethsmiles are right. DOWN WITH ALL FORMS OF PREPLANNING!! 

    There are definitely NO exceptions to ANY rules for ANY reasons whatsoever. 

    I concede.



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  • 500days500days member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    I think that pre-planning can be dangerous. For instance, my BFF got married last summer, but had a super long engagement (like holiday time '09/'10). She preplanned and got all peeved after she booked her vendors because there was nothing to do for 2 years but save and make payments towards these pre-selected vendors. About a year into her engagement, a crop of new vendors (cheaper with same style and skill she wanted) came up in our area. She was so pissed that she already signed contracts and couldn't save money using a new and upcoming vendor.

     It was a shame to have to hear all of this, let me tell you. So folks, that's my example of how pre-planning can be dangerous.

    ETA: Ok, so I get how a little pre-planning is okay...like the thought of saving for the event. My BFF spent a pretty penny on her wedding, everyone showed up and no one died. But, her preconceived ideas prior to engagement really made everything messier than it needed to be.
  • I didn't pre-plan at all and somehow managed to pay for my wedding without depending on anyone. You should never have to depend on anyone to pay for your wedding. That's your and your SO's responsibility.

    I have already said that having a savings is a great idea no matter where you are in your relationship. Saving money =/= calling and emailing venues and vendors to get their pricing information. I see nothing wrong with saving money. I find it odd to contact wedding vendors when you're not engaged. These two things do not need to go hand in hand.



  • I think thinking and talking about what you might want for your wedding isn't crazy, but contacting vendors when you're not engaged is rude.



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  • @Dreamergirl8812 - How exactly is it rude? It think it's on the crazy side and I would be completely uncomfortable contacting vendors before being engaged but I don't think I'd call it rude.


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