Fiance is invited, I am not --WTH?

undercvrbride

My fiance just received an invite to his cousin's stepson's wedding that is in a couple of months from now.  The stepson's mother (fiance's cousin) knows that we are engaged, and SHE is the one in charge of sending at least some of the invites to her stepson's wedding, as their return address is on our invitation. I got a little offended when I noted that only my fiance's name is on the invite envelope, dictating that only HE is invited to this wedding. I kind of think it's odd he was invited at all, since he doesn't know them, but he was and here we are. 

We have been engaged since April and I know for a fact that his cousin is aware of it. My fiancé, of course, wants to go to the wedding, even though he doesn't even KNOW the stepson or the bride at all. He, his sister and his mother all told us when we explained situation to them that it is IMPLIED that I am invited and I should just go with him. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? Who DOES that?? I would be mortified to just crash someone's wedding, first of all, and secondly, does this mean this is how his entire family is going to treat OUR wedding invites and just show up uninvited??!! Holy crap!

So, since my fiance (and his family) is hell-bent on us all going to this wedding (I would have rather just RSVP'd 'no' and moved on but that isn't an option apparently), I wrote a simple and politely-worded note and stuck it to the reply card, saying that we were confused and wanted to ask if the invite is intended for both of us or just him and that we totally understand that they may have restrictions on how many guests they are able to accommodate and just to let us know with a phone call. I really don't want to go to this wedding, but pressure from his mother indicates we have to try to go. I feel really bad about having to ask, but I refuse to just be rude and show up uninvited or just add a "2" to a reply card that was only for him --I would not want people just randomly adding guests to my reply cards, so I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. I thought including the note would be OK since they could take time to think it over and get back to us instead of putting them on the spot with a phone call or just assuming. 

What's worse is that we are not inviting them to our wedding as our guest list is already done and the venue is booked and (the obvious) we don't even know them --I didn't even know of the couple until we got the invitation and I asked my fiance who they are. He agreed with me at least that they are not getting added to the guest list, thank goodness. This is already so darn awkward. Any advice or tips on how to handle this? Am I freaking out over nothing? I am now really worried about the RSVP's we are going to get from his side of the family, based on what has happened with this already. I guess I have to tell his mother that under no circumstances should she advise ANYONE to just "show up" to our wedding if the invited didn't have their name on it. I mean really.

Any advice on how to handle this is welcomed. Especially for how to handle actually having to go to this wedding and being totally embarrassed when I get there. Ugh. Thanks!

-Worried Bride To Be

manateehugger

Whew - breathe. Yes, what they did was horribly rude and inappropriate but it's not the end of the world. This isn't really the dilemma you're making it out to be.

Couple things, you asked for clarification (though I would have called instead of attaching something to the RSVP). You can't really do much else besides wait for their response. If they say no, I would just decline altogether and let them know exactly why you are declining. Do not attend. Honestly, I'd be a little peeved if FI attended without me.

When you send out your own RSVP's, just get a number of attendees on each card. If someone RSVP's for too many people, just call ad explain that the invite was only meant for the people listed on the envelope.

Also, invitations aren't tit for tat. You don't have to invite anyone who invites you.

itzMS

undercvrbride said:

My fiance just received an invite to his cousin's stepson's wedding that is in a couple of months from now.  The stepson's mother (fiance's cousin) knows that we are engaged, and SHE is the one in charge of sending at least some of the invites to her stepson's wedding, as their return address is on our invitation. I got a little offended when I noted that only my fiance's name is on the invite envelope, dictating that only HE is invited to this wedding. I kind of think it's odd he was invited at all, since he doesn't know them, but he was and here we are. 

We have been engaged since April and I know for a fact that his cousin is aware of it. My fiancé, of course, wants to go to the wedding, even though he doesn't even KNOW the stepson or the bride at all. He, his sister and his mother all told us when we explained situation to them that it is IMPLIED that I am invited and I should just go with him. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? Who DOES that?? I would be mortified to just crash someone's wedding, first of all, and secondly, does this mean this is how his entire family is going to treat OUR wedding invites and just show up uninvited??!! Holy crap!

So, since my fiance (and his family) is hell-bent on us all going to this wedding (I would have rather just RSVP'd 'no' and moved on but that isn't an option apparently), I wrote a simple and politely-worded note and stuck it to the reply card, saying that we were confused and wanted to ask if the invite is intended for both of us or just him and that we totally understand that they may have restrictions on how many guests they are able to accommodate and just to let us know with a phone call. I really don't want to go to this wedding, but pressure from his mother indicates we have to try to go. I feel really bad about having to ask, but I refuse to just be rude and show up uninvited or just add a "2" to a reply card that was only for him --I would not want people just randomly adding guests to my reply cards, so I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. I thought including the note would be OK since they could take time to think it over and get back to us instead of putting them on the spot with a phone call or just assuming. 

What's worse is that we are not inviting them to our wedding as our guest list is already done and the venue is booked and (the obvious) we don't even know them --I didn't even know of the couple until we got the invitation and I asked my fiance who they are. He agreed with me at least that they are not getting added to the guest list, thank goodness. This is already so darn awkward. Any advice or tips on how to handle this? Am I freaking out over nothing? I am now really worried about the RSVP's we are going to get from his side of the family, based on what has happened with this already. I guess I have to tell his mother that under no circumstances should she advise ANYONE to just "show up" to our wedding if the invited didn't have their name on it. I mean really.

Any advice on how to handle this is welcomed. Especially for how to handle actually having to go to this wedding and being totally embarrassed when I get there. Ugh. Thanks!

-Worried Bride To Be

Why would you be totally embarrased to go to the wedding?

You did handle the RSVP slightly incorrectly (FI should have called his cousin, versus you including a note). But that's not a big deal in the long run.

Wedding invitations are not tit-for-tat, so it's totally fine that you are not inviting them.

If you can do so now...have FI call his cousin. If not including your name was an oversight (maybe they didn't know how to spell it...honest mistake), then go to the wedding with your FI and his family and have a great time. If they purposely excluded you, I would strongly suggest having a heart-to-heart with your FI about his not attending either.

undercvrbride

Thanks! You are awesome

undercvrbride

I forgot to add that I did ask my fiancé to call his cousin. He said he would, and I know full well that he likely WILL NOT actually call her and handle it himself. He is really odd with his family and asking them things or telling them "no" to anything. I let two weeks go by and then I decided I needed to handle it somehow, because we just bought our first house and are in the process of closing. I thought that if I waited any longer for him to call, we'd get in the midst of moving and painting and cleaning and looking for furniture, etc. and it would get forgotten about. I like to get things done right away, especially when it's something socially tricky like this.

undercvrbride

I totally agree that he should not go without me, but I guess we will see what they say. Thanks again folks

manateehugger

He needs to learn to stand up to his family for you especially. It could become a problem in your marriage if he doesn't.

I hope the invite situation works out well.

itzMS

undercvrbride said:

I forgot to add that I did ask my fiancé to call his cousin. He said he would, and I know full well that he likely WILL NOT actually call her and handle it himself. He is really odd with his family and asking them things or telling them "no" to anything. I let two weeks go by and then I decided I needed to handle it somehow, because we just bought our first house and are in the process of closing. I thought that if I waited any longer for him to call, we'd get in the midst of moving and painting and cleaning and looking for furniture, etc. and it would get forgotten about. I like to get things done right away, especially when it's something socially tricky like this.

You aren't the first person to post about this issue with a FI. Truth be told, this is probably one of the simplest things to handle...and you really need to start letting FI handle his own side of the family.
If he won't stand up to his family for you in the simplest of situations like this...then imagine how challenging it can get in the future.

I'm not trying to be negative, we've just seen situations similar to what you describe so many times here on TK.

undercvrbride

Update: FI's cousin called him and told him "of course the invite is for both of you", and then he told her we are coming. Good times in the Land of Awkward Family Situations