Not changing your name

cheapbrideincentpa

My FI's family is pretty traditional- so I want to make it known that will NOT be taking his name name. During our introduction, I was going to ask the DJ to specifically introduce us using our individual first and last names.. something like, "I am happy to introduce for the first time as husband and wife, Mr. John Doe and Ms Jane Smith." Without being flat out rude about it, are there any other subtle ways I can add this to the ceremony (we are self-uniting, a very cool Pa specific thing) or the reception?

cheapbrideincentpa

thank you!

emilyb213

I didn't change my last name, and at the end of the ceremony, our officiant annouced us as "For the first time as husband and wife, MyFirst and HisFirst." We were announced into the reception by our first names as well. I politely correct anyone I'm in regular contact with if they call me by the wrong last name, but it really hasn't been a big deal (minus the fuss my MIL made about it).

Also, high five for self uniting licenses, that's what we did as well (so I use the term "officiant" loosely above).

Jazzyliza

Frankly, I am surprised by how many women are still taking their husband's last name! Even as a child I thought this was a strange tradition. It remains a hallmark of our *still* paternalistic society. My fiancee and I are toying with surname hyphenation. If it's done at all we will both be doing it. Most likely, we won't even bother!

Megusler

We're both taking his biological father's name, because he's still sporting the last name of a man he hasn't spoken to in 15 years, plus I don't see the point in taking a last name that means nothing to him just because it's his. Some people are being weird about it, but they're better than when I was considering keeping my maiden name. (I'm from the cusp of the South). Some people get down right offended, and none of them are even related to my FI. I agree that it's completely out dated, but I do want to share a last name with my children and not force them to hyphenate my confusing German last name. 

Blergbot

Jazzyliza said:

Frankly, I am surprised by how many women are still taking their husband's last name! Even as a child I thought this was a strange tradition. It remains a hallmark of our *still* paternalistic society.

Ditto (stuck in box)

jdluvr06

Me and my fiancé are doing things a little backwards. He is taking my last name. With my career it would be hard for me to change my last name but we wanted to have the same last name. He doesn't have that problem and his last name is long and difficult for most people to pronounce so he is happy to be rid of it. His parents on the other hand are pissed.

kerbohl

I tried to convince FI to take my last name, because I love it, but no go.  And I don't like hyphenating.  So I am not changing my name, but I will answer to Mrs. FI'sLastName.  So far, no flack from anyone.  But then again, FI's parents don't know. 
I figure if I wouldn't force him to take my last name, he shouldn't be allowed to force me, not that he has tried to force me.  Though I have a suspicion that his father might not be okay with it when he finds out. 

melbenso

I'm not changing my last name and it hasn't been a big deal.  No one's really asked me about it yet, but I planned to go with the best response I ever heard when a bride was asked:

Asked (to couple): Are you changing your name?
Answer from Bride: "Well, Tom really likes his last name, so I don't think I'm going to make him change it."

Never saw anyone else ask her about it again. 

hellohkb

Right now, I'm completely undecided. It would be nice to match my future children, but I like my last name and find the tradition slightly sexist.

southernbelle0915

hellokellybean said:

Right now, I'm completely undecided. It would be nice to match my future children, but I like my last name and find the tradition slightly sexist.

You know your kids don't automatically have to have your FH's last name. They could have his, or yours, or hyphenated. One girl I went to school with had one last name that was a combo of her mom's last name and her dad's last name. It was like Wellington + Hargrove = Welgrove <-- I made that example up, but the concept was the same.

emmyg65

Both my husband and I kept our names and plan to hyphenate our children's names. Then we'll still "share" a name with them, but we also don't believe that a name makes a family. There are lots of name discussions here, and on A Practical Wedding and Offbeat Bride.

hellohkb

Schatzi13 I'll read through some. Thanks! I know for sure I will keep my name in my career. I'm just unsure about my every day personal life.

southernbelle0915 I know. I grew up with a hyphenated name for a large portion of my life. It was confusing, and a lot of people messed up my name. A lot of places would only use one of my last names. I love the idea, but I found it to be so annoying for me that now I just use my fathers name anyway. 

kerbohl

He he, I got a Christmas card from a relative that addressed it like FI had taken my last name.  It felt . . . right. 

tabathafaye

I heard that its so much harder for a male to change his name than a female. Is this true?

kannf1982

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

my fiancé has been extremely supportive of everything I've ever wanted to do in life and isn't old fashioned or conservative by any means.  I was just assuming i'd keep my last name because it's unusual and italian and I love it.  His is not Smith but lets just say its one of those anglo VERY VERY common names that I find incredibly dull. I don't ever want to do the hyphen and I also really didnt want my kids and I to have different names, so i was torn but was going to keep my last name anyway. Well, much to my surprise my fiancé exhibited complete and utter disappointment whenever I mentioned this in passing.  Apparently to him it was VERY important. It surprised me, but because of it being something he wanted so bad, I figure I will change my name. I will ditch my boring middle name and replace it with my last name.  

Blergbot

kannf1982 said:

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

Because for some people it's not just about maintaining your professional identity, it's about maintaining your identity, period. For me there is no difference between my "family" self or my "independent" self. I don't care about being traditional and it's not as if, my personal values being what they are, I can just flip a switch and be "traditional" just to make a situation easier for other people to swallow. Would I care too much if someone made a mistake/assumption and called me by my FH's last name? No. But it does bother me when people assume that being traditional is just easier, and should therefore just override your personal choice. It's fine that keeping your name wasn't important enough to you that you made it an issue in your relationship, that's your relationship. Frankly, in my case, if it had been an issue and FI had made such a big deal about it, then he probably wouldn't be the guy for me, KWIM?

emmyg65

kannf1982 said:

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

Because my name is my name, not his. If I wanted people to call me Mrs. Suchandsuch, I would have just changed my name. 

phira

kannf1982 said:

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

my fiancé has been extremely supportive of everything I've ever wanted to do in life and isn't old fashioned or conservative by any means.  I was just assuming i'd keep my last name because it's unusual and italian and I love it.  His is not Smith but lets just say its one of those anglo VERY VERY common names that I find incredibly dull. I don't ever want to do the hyphen and I also really didnt want my kids and I to have different names, so i was torn but was going to keep my last name anyway. Well, much to my surprise my fiancé exhibited complete and utter disappointment whenever I mentioned this in passing.  Apparently to him it was VERY important. It surprised me, but because of it being something he wanted so bad, I figure I will change my name. I will ditch my boring middle name and replace it with my last name.  

Um ... many of us who are not changing our last names don't want to be introduced incorrectly. I don't want to be known socially OR professionally as Mrs Lastname because that's not my name.

mimiphin

phira said:

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kannf1982 said:

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

my fiancé has been extremely supportive of everything I've ever wanted to do in life and isn't old fashioned or conservative by any means.  I was just assuming i'd keep my last name because it's unusual and italian and I love it.  His is not Smith but lets just say its one of those anglo VERY VERY common names that I find incredibly dull. I don't ever want to do the hyphen and I also really didnt want my kids and I to have different names, so i was torn but was going to keep my last name anyway. Well, much to my surprise my fiancé exhibited complete and utter disappointment whenever I mentioned this in passing.  Apparently to him it was VERY important. It surprised me, but because of it being something he wanted so bad, I figure I will change my name. I will ditch my boring middle name and replace it with my last name.  

Um ... many of us who are not changing our last names don't want to be introduced incorrectly. I don't want to be known socially OR professionally as Mrs Lastname because that's not my name.

Ok, here is my opinion. I am changing my name but I feel the same way about people using my real name.

I am going to be Mrs. Pig,
Not M(r)s. Chicken, Not M(r)s. Cow, Not even M(r)s. Butterfly. It is my name.

I get upset when people call me Mrs. Maiden name, I am Miss Maidenname thank you very much, I am not married to my father!

How would you feel if your maiden name was Dolphin. your Husbands name was Whale, yet people started calling you M(r)s Seal? It is the same thing for these ladies, your name is your name is your name.

MuttiSigyn

kannf1982 said:

When it comes to introducing yourself at the reception, why not just be introduced as Mr and Mrs (his last name)?  Just because you legally may keep your own name, it doesn't meant people can't refer to you casually as Mrs. (his last name) in certain settings. It kind of gets you the best of both worlds...you can use the tradition in a setting where it fits and keep your name the rest of the time.  If I kept my last name, I'd still change it to his on Facebook and refer to myself that way in family settings. 

What would be the point then? If you are not changing your name, don't change it. When I'm married, I'd be pretty annoyed if everybody called me Dr. his current surname, even if he WAS keeping his surname.

Personally, I'm keeping my surname, and my FI is taking my name, as (hopefully) will my step-daughter, and if anybody refers to us as Dr. & Dr. HisCurrentSurname, I'll be pretty annoyed, no matter the situation. I'm not getting called by a surname that's not mine.

kannf1982

Thats fine, I guess I just don't have very strong feelings about what last name I am called.  I know it matters to some people but keep in mind for others, it's not relevant.  If someone calls me Ms. or Mrs. mylastname or Ms. or Mrs. hislastname, in whatever setting, I dont know, it just doesnt affect me. I like my maiden name better bc its more unique but in general I dont tie a lot of meaning to what last name people are using when they address me or whether they say Ms. or Mrs. I understand thats important to some, just not me! I am who I am regardless of the name. I am sure there are other things that affect me more. 

phira

@kannf1982 That's fine, but the OP is not changing her name and doesn't want to be called by the wrong name. "I wouldn't mind it!" is totally fine for you, but not for everyone.

LadyMorvenMacBeth

tabathafaye said:

I heard that its so much harder for a male to change his name than a female. Is this true?

No. My friend's FI is taking her name, and it's done in exactly the same way that it would be if she was taking his name. The only difficult thing is people will assume that she is taking his surname, or that they are keeping their own, so they'll probably have to correct people all the time.

emmyg65

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

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tabathafaye said:

I heard that its so much harder for a male to change his name than a female. Is this true?

No. My friend's FI is taking her name, and it's done in exactly the same way that it would be if she was taking his name. The only difficult thing is people will assume that she is taking his surname, or that they are keeping their own, so they'll probably have to correct people all the time.

This definitely depends on the country and state you live in. In the US, most states allow a woman to change her name very easily upon marriage, but a man has to go through a legal name-changing to do. Totally ridiculous and sexist, but worth it if you want to have the same last name.

phira

emmyg65 said:

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LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

tabathafaye said:

I heard that its so much harder for a male to change his name than a female. Is this true?

No. My friend's FI is taking her name, and it's done in exactly the same way that it would be if she was taking his name. The only difficult thing is people will assume that she is taking his surname, or that they are keeping their own, so they'll probably have to correct people all the time.

This definitely depends on the country and state you live in. In the US, most states allow a woman to change her name very easily upon marriage, but a man has to go through a legal name-changing to do. Totally ridiculous and sexist, but worth it if you want to have the same last name.

Yep. Depends on the state if you live in the US. In a lot of states, a legal name change and a name change after marriage are two different things, and the former is more difficult than the latter.

LadyMorvenMacBeth

phira said:

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emmyg65 said:

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

tabathafaye said:

I heard that its so much harder for a male to change his name than a female. Is this true?

No. My friend's FI is taking her name, and it's done in exactly the same way that it would be if she was taking his name. The only difficult thing is people will assume that she is taking his surname, or that they are keeping their own, so they'll probably have to correct people all the time.

This definitely depends on the country and state you live in. In the US, most states allow a woman to change her name very easily upon marriage, but a man has to go through a legal name-changing to do. Totally ridiculous and sexist, but worth it if you want to have the same last name.

Yep. Depends on the state if you live in the US. In a lot of states, a legal name change and a name change after marriage are two different things, and the former is more difficult than the latter.

I see. Where I live, a legal name change is needed at all times where you might change your name, including after marriage. It;s really easy though, you just sign a bit of paper.

seestarsbythesea

For our own reasons, we are actually making up a new last name (Weston) using letters from both of our current ones.

kittenkaboodle

FI just assumed I would change my name, you know, because of tradition.  After many conversations including me trying to convince him to create a new last name for both of us (which I still really love the idea) he said he would never change his last name because that was his.  Once he had this revelation he said he didn't care what I decided for my name.  The current plan is I will keep my name and then I will re-evaluate our options once kids come in the picture.  I do know I will not hyphenate, both our names are already confusing and it would make for an 18 letter long name.  I have decided that I will not advertise or correct his family out of laziness.  They are the type of people with strong pride and traditions and we suspect will be offended once they inevitably find out, but that's a deal with another day problem.  As it is our wedding is still 5 months away and they are already calling me by FIs surname both in person and for mail.   

Knottie31257313

seestarsbythesea said:

For our own reasons, we are actually making up a new last name (Weston) using letters from both of our current ones.

I thought I was the only person on Earth doing this! Phew. It feels good to see someone else doing the same thing.

esstee33

Knottie31257313 said:

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seestarsbythesea said:

For our own reasons, we are actually making up a new last name (Weston) using letters from both of our current ones.

I thought I was the only person on Earth doing this! Phew. It feels good to see someone else doing the same thing.

We haven't 100% committed to it yet, but my FI and I are doing this also.