How to react (if at all)? Being addressed with wrong name

SKPM

So, H and I have been married just about a year. I waffled a lot with whether to change and/or hyphenate my last name, but decided finally just to keep my birth name as is. No change, not even a little bit. No hyphen, no taking-his-socially, no "making my last my middle and taking his last." Many people have either taken hints (return address labels, Facebook, etc) or asked me flat out, and have taken note and continued to use my real and correct name.

But a handful of acquaintances, mainly friends of H's from college that we keep in touch with and see at weddings, don't seem to get the hint at all. For several weddings this year, we have been invited as Mr and Mrs HisLast, and I have returned the RSVP as MyFirst MyLast and HisFirst HisLast, complete with my Ms. First Last return address label and a wedding gift soon after bought on my credit card (where I know the shipping slip includes my billing name). Only to arrive and find an escort card with MyFirst HisLast and a thank you note later on addressed again to "The HisLasts."

It irks me when people continue to use a name that isn't mine even beyond an initial assumption followed by a subtle correction from me. I don't know whether people truly don't believe I kept my name, or think I should have changed it, or think it's just easier for them to write it as if I changed it, or what. To me, it would be the same as if I had a long, hard to spell name from a foreign country -- yes it might be a slight pain for you to write, but it doesn't warrant using a wrong name/spelling.

So, what say you, etiquette gurus? I feel like I've utilized all of my correctional defenses within etiquette, and am really biting my tongue not to say something ruder.

wittykitty14

I would be annoyed as hell, especially since you wrote your correct name out multiple times and they still didn't do it right on the escort card.  My cousin spelled my first name wrong on my escort card at her wedding and it bothered me.

There's really no way to point it out though without sounding snarky, unfortunately.  Just keep doing what you've been doing-subtle correction when needed.  Most people, you'd think, would get the message.  I think some people are just dense, honestly.

NYCBruin

I'm sorry that this keeps happening to you.  I have a feeling for the most recent wedding, the couple was using a spreadsheet for their guest list and just inputted that you both would be attending without looking closely at the actual response card.  It was probably an oversight, not a hint that you should take your husband's last name.  My first name can be spelled a few different ways and this happens to me all the time.  I send back a response card with my name spelled correctly, but it's wrong on the escort card.  It's certainly frustrating, but it's an honest mistake people make.

I think you just keep doing what you've been doing.  Hopefully with repetition people will catch on.  You said that this tends to only happen with some of your husband's college friends who you see mostly at weddings.  I know FI and I tend to get emails/facebook messages from friends asking for our address when they are about to send out wedding invitations.  Have your husband send back your address with both of your full names instead of just the street address.  Hopefully then they will input everything correctly on the spreadsheet instead of just incorrectly assuming that you took his last name.

Edited to remove typo.

BarbLovesDave

I kept my own maiden name, exactly as you did. I've been married a while, so have some Life experience with this issue.

Just politely correct people. The truly innocent will immediately apologize, take note and then correct their address books at home.

Please believe me, it will work out. Friends from college who have mush for brains will disappear out of your life as you meet people with whom you have more in common.

BarbLovesDave

SKPM said:

 I don't know whether people truly don't believe I kept my name, or think I should have changed it, or think it's just easier for them to write it as if I changed it, or what.

It's because they are stupid. Lots of people are stupid. Even college grads.

Get used to it. There are plenty of stupid people out there.

SKPM

Liatris2010 said:

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SKPM said:

So, H and I have been married just about a year. I waffled a lot with whether to change and/or hyphenate my last name, but decided finally just to keep my birth name as is. No change, not even a little bit. No hyphen, no taking-his-socially, no "making my last my middle and taking his last." Many people have either taken hints (return address labels, Facebook, etc) or asked me flat out, and have taken note and continued to use my real and correct name. But a handful of acquaintances, mainly friends of H's from college that we keep in touch with and see at weddings, don't seem to get the hint at all. For several weddings this year, we have been invited as Mr and Mrs HisLast, and I have returned the RSVP as MyFirst MyLast and HisFirst HisLast, complete with my Ms. First Last return address label and a wedding gift soon after bought on my credit card (where I know the shipping slip includes my billing name). Only to arrive and find an escort card with MyFirst HisLast and a thank you note later on addressed again to "The HisLasts." It irks me when people continue to use a name that isn't mine even beyond an initial assumption followed by a subtle correction from me. I don't know whether people truly don't believe I kept my name, or think I should have changed it, or think it's just easier for them to write it as if I changed it, or what. To me, it would be the same as if I had a long, hard to spell name from a foreign country -- yes it might be a slight pain for you to write, but it doesn't warrant using a wrong name/spelling. So, what say you, etiquette gurus? I feel like I've utilized all of my correctional defenses within etiquette, and am really biting my tongue not to say something ruder.

I think this is the reason, and I think your analogy is spot on.

I don't think you need to be rude, but I think you need to be direct since subtle isn't working (even though it should). In your next RSVP, Christmas card, or other bit of mail, I'd enclose a separate note that says something along the lines of I noticed you are misadressing me, I use Ms. First Mylast, can you please update your address book?

This sounds good to me. I agree, I suspect it's an issue of convenience/laziness.

Thanks for the validation, ladies. Glad to know I'm not out of line for feeling offended. And I know the world is filled with stupid people -- just trying to find the best way to assert myself without being just as stupid.

tesskerr

I plan on keeping my last name, and I am annoyed for you! I guessing should be prepared for this to happen. We are also expecting, and unsure what we are going to do with LO last name, I'm not a fan of the hyphen. I hate my FI last name!
I just feel like making up a new last name for all of us haha.

misssunshine17

I think you should absolutely correct people. Your name is the most basic thing about you and should be respected by people who care about you. 

rajahmd

VadersValkyrie

tesskerr said:

I plan on keeping my last name, and I am annoyed for you! I guessing should be prepared for this to happen. We are also expecting, and unsure what we are going to do with LO last name, I'm not a fan of the hyphen. I hate my FI last name! I just feel like making up a new last name for all of us haha.

I actually have a friend whose parents made up a last name when they got married and they both took it.  

My MOH hyphenated, so she gets aggravated when people drop her maiden name OR address mail as Mr & Mrs. His First Name Last Name.  

I'm hyphenating, as my FI's last name is pretty generic, and mine has been with me for a very long time.

emeejeeayen

Yeah... I truly don't give a isht what people call me. Honestly. Not a battle in this life that is worthwhile to me. I'm changing my name when I get married because it's easier to do when you first get married, and I know that once we have kids it will be a pita to have a different last name - especially since FI is half black so there's a chance our kids may not look as much like me (FI's parents struggled with that a lot - the siblings who looked white could go anywhere with dad; the siblings who looked black could go anywhere with mom; the opposite was always a huge hassle for new daycare teachers, etc.). That said, if people still call me by my maiden name, I won't care. I mean... as long as I'm not confused about whether or not someone is talking to me, I just don't give a isht. 

phira

I'm keeping my last name, and I'm actually very stressed out knowing how many times for the rest of my life I'm going to be called Mrs. Hislast instead of Ms. Mylast or Dr. Mylast. I plan on politely correcting people every single time, assuming I have an opportunity.

And if I get spam phone calls, I'll just say, "Oh, I'm sorry--there's no Mrs. Hislast at this address." Ahahaha take that.

But I don't think this is something you should just have to get used to. We have a CHOICE to keep or last names or change them. When people keep assuming you've changed your last name, or (even worse) when they refuse to call you by the correct name, they're making it less socially acceptable for you to make your choice. So just keep correcting them politely when you get the chance.

saric83

Another side to consider besides just that they're inconsiderate or lazy...I have a lot of friends that have still used address labels from before the wedding (when they've changed names) for a year or so until they ran out of them, and I did the same thing.  Also, it took me nearly a year to get every account changed over to my married name, so I bought wedding gifts for people that were shipped to them with my maiden name.  So it may be that they truly don't pick up on the subtle hints because they might see those things even with people who do change their names. 

I definitely wouldn't take it personally as some kind of judgement against you keeping your maiden name.  I don't know anyone who would bother to care about something so silly and personal like that.  It's annoying and a pain the ass, but for people who aren't even your friends nor people who it sounds like you see very often, I wouldn't bother saying or doing anything.  Eventually, they'll pick up on it after a few Christmas cards or something. 

tiny speck

1covejack said:

Rajah please don't call people out on the Dr. Thing. It gets old fast. It might make you sound like a snot.

Couldn't agree more. H and I will both be Dr and Dr very soon, but we have no intention of calling people out on it in a non-professional context if we are addressed as Mr and Mrs. Yeah it's a lot of work to get the degree but having the right to that title is not the same as someone calling you by a different name entirely.

PhoneCardLady

While I don't have the surname problem (going to be married by the end of the year), I have the MRS. problem!

People assume that I am married just because I am an older person!

I quietly correct them and use Ms.  The only reason I don't use Miss is that is sounds like it's for a much younger person and I have been using Ms. since I was 25.

HisGirlFriday13

Agree with PPs, but I wanted to add my experience. FI got a list of names/addresses from his grandmother for our STDates. All of them were listed, 'Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast.' Fine, I addressed the cards, NBD.

Two of them have since told him (they are his relatives), 'Oh, by the way, she kept her maiden name.'

We apologised, made the changes for the invites, and told his grandmother so she could update her address book.

She said, 'Oh, I knew they wanted to do that, but I thought it was stupid, and I don't agree with it, so I'm not going to do it.'

Weeeeeeell, OK then. Thanks for making me look like a jerk because YOU want to be a twit.

phira

@lemclane Aaah, my friend's grandmother does the same thing to her! It's so frustrating!

Add me in with the folks who really don't want to be called Mrs. I'm either Ms. or (in a few years) Dr., never Mrs. Again, I'll politely correct people and I won't take a mistake personally, but I'm not looking forward to it.

southernbelle0915

I'm not changing my last name either - same as you SKPM, no hyphenating, no social changes... nothing at all is changing. FI's parents and sister have been unsupportive (not like I need their support) and outright rude about it saying things like, "but you HAVE to change it! What will people call you? How will people know who you are?" Seriously? I've explained that it's a personal choice and mine to make. They still think it's blasphemous. Oh well.

However, I keep getting cards from his other relatives addressed to "HisFirstName HisLast Name and the Future Mrs. MyFirstName HisLastName". I have asked FI to contact these relatives and let them know. I would do the same for him if one of my relatives misaddressed him. It's annoying, but I don't see anything else you can do but tell people directly and if they continue to misaddress you, it's their faux pas. 

harper0813

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm not changing my last name either - same as you SKPM, no hyphenating, no social changes... nothing at all is changing. FI's parents and sister have been unsupportive (not like I need their support) and outright rude about it saying things like, "but you HAVE to change it! What will people call you? How will people know who you are?" Seriously? I've explained that it's a personal choice and mine to make. They still think it's blasphemous. Oh well.

However, I keep getting cards from his other relatives addressed to "HisFirstName HisLast Name and the Future Mrs. MyFirstName HisLastName". I have asked FI to contact these relatives and let them know. I would do the same for him if one of my relatives misaddressed him. It's annoying, but I don't see anything else you can do but tell people directly and if they continue to misaddress you, it's their faux pas. 

I'm so sorry that they're not being supportive! What an obnoxious set of questions to field. I was seeing the same sort of emotion from my future parents-in-law but they were supportive, luckily. I was waffling for a while because it hit me hard that all of a sudden this name that I've had my whole life (which I think sounds pretty damn good) is about to change and having always wanted to change my name when I get married, I became unsure of what I actually wanted to be called. I think I offended my in-laws by considering any other option because they felt their name wasn't good enough. Which is silly, but I can kind of see where they were coming from.

I decided to hyphenate my name legally and socially go by FI's name. I'm sure it will be wrong all the time, but whatever. I'm happy to have both identities.

msuprincess04

When my friends married, she always said that he would take her last name. She is a political professional and known by her name, and he wanted them to have matching names with no particular affinity for his own as he's estranged from his family. It's funny when they get junkmail for Mr and Mrs HisFormerLastName, as annoyed as I know they are about it. But, I checked with them that it officially happened when I collected addresses for our STDs. So, they are both Mr and Mrs HerLastname.

stantokm

I tried very hard to make sure that the invitations and place cards had everyone's correct names, but I still got things screwed up.  One set of friends legally took each other's last names (i.e., First HerLast HisLast without a hyphen) and that's how they have their names on FB.  So I addressed it like that and then they wrote their names as Mr. and Mrs. HisLast on the reply card.

Like PPs have said, I would gently point out that you didn't change your name by actually telling them instead of hinting.  One friend never took her husband's name, but she also never told anyone that she wasn't going by it socially (she always said that she'd hyphenate, but married a guy whose name was already hyphenated and made her name decision by never making a decision, basically).  I put their names as Ms. First HerLast and Mr. First His-Last and she posted a picture of their placecard saying that I was the first one to get it right...which I think was her passive-aggressive way of letting her FB friends know how she wants it.

MuppetOverlord

scribe95 said:

This just isn't something that riles me up. It's only been a year and it seems you are annoyed at this group as a whole but individually each couple has probably only made the error once or twice. It takes time to adjust.

This is how I feel about it. People spell my first name wrong and use the wrong last name for me all the time and I'll correct it...but if they keep using the wrong name, it's not really changing anything about my life.

melb2013

I didn't change my name and people keep calling me by FI's name.  Unless they ask it with some type of question such as "oh it's Mrs. X now, right?"  I don't correct them.  I will always write my correct name and address myself by my correct name.  If they can't take a hint, that's their own issue.

My mother didn't change her name either.  There are still certain people who still insist on addressing her as "Mrs. Y" despite every attempt to the contrary.  Some people don't understand that individuals get to choose their own name and title and will always refuse to recognize it.  

I don't think it's worth the correction.  Sometimes I correct in a silly way with a big smile, but if you are really angry about it, it may not come off like that and it's not something to get defensive about- nobody's trying to make you upset.

Pookieson

I'd correct them.  It is your name.  I have a handful of friends who either hyphenated or kept their maiden names.  I am very conscious of how we address their cards or invitations.  H and I were engaged for 3 years, we would get invitations all the time to Mr & Mrs Jones...ugh really??? I am not married!!!  I did mess up one of my wedding guests names on the invitations.  There were friends of then FI's parents and I wasn't aware she was hyphenated, she corrected it on the RSVP and I made sure to make the changes for the seating chart.  No big deal.  I'm surprised people are not more conscious about this.

Pepper6

It's unlikely they are doing it purposefully, but regardless, if it's people you get a lot of correspondence from, I'd send a quick note reminding them to change their address book to use your correct name, but keep the tone light, as just a friendly reminder or something.

Now, if they continue to use the wrong name after multiple subtle corrections AND a direct request to use your correct name, then I'd probably get a little more forceful/pissy with them about it.

TheBaysideBride

I'm sure she just has an excel sheet w/ 200 names and it doing most of them the traditional way. I'd let it slide.

Belle0720

I wasn't going to change my last name at all but then when we went to apply for our marriage license last week I decided to hyphenate, but I will probably still just go by my maiden name socially. FI wanted me to take his last name only and I just didn't want to lose my maiden name so we compromised. People have already assumed I would be taking his last name. FI's sister has addressed mail to MyFirst HisLast quite a few times and even one of my bridesmaids got a cake for me for my bridal shower and put a giant 'F' as a topper(his last initial). It annoys me but I figure people close to me will eventually get the hint and if not oh well we can just continue to subtly correct them.

People have a hard time getting my first name right as it is. FI's dad called me Christian for the longest time even though FI would correct him. And one of FI's aunts even wrote Kirstin in her card to me for my bridal shower (even though she's recieved christmas cards, save the date, wedding invitation, bridal shower invitation, and we're facebook friends). So I'm used to people getting my name wrong anyways.

BarbLovesDave

There are those who make an innocent, honest mistake. A polite correction will suffice.

There are those who are malicious and enjoy seeing you squirm. Just ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them know you are annoyed.

I speak from experience.

Kate61487

I just wanted to echo PP that it's still very possible it's an innocent mistake.  It seems like you're correcting it all the time, but it's only once or twice to each couple, KWIM?  I agree that you can be more direct than just subtly changing it; PPs gave good wording options.

 

I tried to be very cautious of making sure we addressed things the way people had names on facebook and then checking that I had it right with their later correspondence, but I'm sure things slip through the cracks.  I misspelled H's cousin's name Kierstin when it's Kierstyn.  in my defense no one in her family seemed to know how to spell her name; when she was born they were so confused by the pronunciation and spelling most of them still just call her K.  Her mom graciously pointed it out to me and as a Kathryn myself I get the frustration so I made the change right away.  But had I just gotten the RSVP I'm not sure I would have noticed.

ashleyep

tiny speck said:

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1covejack said:

Rajah please don't call people out on the Dr. Thing. It gets old fast. It might make you sound like a snot.

Couldn't agree more. H and I will both be Dr and Dr very soon, but we have no intention of calling people out on it in a non-professional context if we are addressed as Mr and Mrs. Yeah it's a lot of work to get the degree but having the right to that title is not the same as someone calling you by a different name entirely.

This post just reminded me that my fiance's best man is a doctor (which I knew of course) and that his invitation should be addressed as such. I forget that he's not really Mr. Last Name anymore. It might not having anything to do with you being married as such, just that people forget you're supposed to include those titles.

Same with OP. I've started my spreadsheet and I've written all the married couples as Mr. and Mrs. LastName with the exception of one of my good friends. And even then I wrote it that way and then had to text her to refresh my memory that she wasn't changing her last name. I don't think it's intentional or even laziness. If you're one of my FI's friends' wives I probably wouldn't know any better and I might even assume that an address label was from before the wedding or that the name hadn't been changed on the credit card yet.

s-aries8990

OP, do you really think they're doing it out of malice? I think it's just a simple mistake

 For many years the convention was to take the husband's last name, and I feel like up until recently (the past 20 years or so) that's just how it's been. I have a feeling they aren't hinting at you, they're just assuming you did. Don't take it personally and just politely correct them. Within a few years those who matter (now and in the future) will realize your name after meeting you/corresponding with you a few times.