You got an invitation, you get the bride and groom a gift. Agree?

kjlamb

This appeared today in the Yahoo Shine section. The entire quote is "It might not seem fair, but it's a hard-and-fast rule of wedding guest etiquette: You got an invitation, you get the bride and groom a gift. This is true whether you attend the wedding or not." -- By Kate Wood for TheKnot.com

Agree? Disagree? Comments? Reasoning?

Maggie0829

Depends on the couple really.

If I have a really close friend and for some reason was unable to make the wedding I would still get them a gift.

But if I was invited to a random cousins wedding who I haven't seen in 10 years then I wouldn't go to the wedding and I wouldn't get them a gift.

BUT, if I were to go to a wedding, no matter who's it is, I would always bring a gift.

manateehugger

Disagree. An invitation is not a gift-summons. No gift is ever required. Kate Wood is trying to earn the wedding industry some money.

We do usually still send a gift though.

daria24

Totally disagree. Gifts are never required, even if you attend the wedding. Some of the declines on our guest list sent us a gift anyway, some just sent a nice card. Same with people who came to the wedding, and it didn't bother me in the slightest if they didn't give a gift.

If I decline a wedding because of a scheduling conflict, or it's too far to travel, I send a gift. If I get an invitation and say "who the fuck is this person and why am I invited to their wedding"-Hallmark card it is. 

itzMS

We always send a gift, though it should never be expected.

We received gifts from probably about half or our declines, FWIW.

AddieCake

Disagree. I bring a gift (that's right, I bring a fucking boxed gift, people!) if I attend the wedding, and I would only send one if I were not attending if I were particularly close to the couple. We only got gifts from 2 of our declines. 

RamonaFlowers

If I attend the wedding, I give a gift, if I don't, it depends on my relationship with couple. If it's close family/friends, then I'm most likely missing the wedding because it's impossible for me to attend (time, distance, etc), and I do send a gift. If we're not that close, I'm most likely skipping because I honestly just don't feel like going, so no gift for them.

MairePoppy

I don't agree with the statement. Kate Wood is helping The Knot's advertisers, by fueling the idea that everyone has to spend lots of money on weddings. A gift is never obligatory.  

If I know the couple, I would send a gift, even if I couldn't attend the wedding. If someone thinks enough of me to put me on their wedding guest list, I want to send them a gift. If it's a distant relative that I haven't heard from in ten years, I wouldn't. Those are obligation invitations or gift grabs.

harper0813

I bet Macy's and BB&B agree with this 100%.

A gift should never be expected and is never required. That being said, I usually send a gift if I'm not able to attend unless I'm not close to the bride and groom.

Peledreamsofrain

Since when did invitations turn into hostage demands lists?

KDM323

Disagree.

I don't send gifts unless I am super close to the couple and unable to attend for some uncontrollable reason.

Invite for a distant cousin that I'm not close to?  I might send a card wishing them congratulations when I RSVP no.  Other than that...I feel no obligation to send a gift.

Belle2188

I would never expect a gift from a decline (or even an accept) at my own wedding, but honestly, if I'm invited to a wedding, I send a gift if I can't make it.  It's usually a smaller gift than what I would have given had I attended, but I always send something.

The only exception I made to this rule was when my cousin sent my parents an invitation that read "Mr. & Mrs. My Dad's Name & Family" when I was 25 and living across the country with my BF.  No invitation, no gift!

rel1988

I agree with most PP's. Definitely bring a gift/money for wedding we attend. For those we can't I will still send a gift unless it's obviously an invite to gift grab or someone we are not close with at all.

radleyboo

If we attend, we bring or send a gift from the couples' registry.  If not, it's a decision made on a case-by-case basis.  The last invitation we declined (because we got an email invitation a week before the wedding) we did not send a gift.  I responded to the email invitation with a very nice 'Congratulations, sorry we can't make it' email.  End of story.  

FWIW-None of our declines sent gifts or cards, and only about half of our guests bought something.  Not a big deal at all in our case.  

monkeysip

Wouldn't tacky B&Gs send out a million invitations just to get more gifts?  A bunch of random people they knew couldn't come?  This and the whole "cover your plate" thing make weddings into money-making scams.

Gifts are never required.  Most of our declines did not send a gift, and I didn't expect them to.  Most of our accepts did give gifts, but not all.  And that's okay too, especially since a lot of them traveled to come to our wedding.

MissMolly

Disagree. Just because a person got an invite doesn't make them obligated to give a gift if they don't go to the wedding. Personally, I couldn't imagine not getting the couple a gift if I do choose to go to the wedding. We have a couple people who weren't able to make it to the shower or the wedding, and they still got us gifts, and that made me feel greedy and horrible.

NYCBruin

Disagree.  If I'm close to the couple and can't make the wedding, I'll still send a gift.  That doesn't mean I have to or am rude not to.  I've also sent smaller gifts to couples whose wedding I wasn't invited to.  I send gifts because I want to, not because some "rule" tells me I must.

I hate that stuff like this is floating around.  It fuels the crazies in my family and FI's family and who keep trying to get us to B-list or overinvite because "these people won't come anyways, but you'll get a gift!"

ashleyep

The Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book I have agrees with this sentiment, but as others have said, her estate has been taken over by family members and the things in "her" newer books aren't entirely accurate.

SummerGrl15

I completely disagree.   If I am not close to the couple, I don't send a gift.  If wedding invitations are now subpoenas for gifts, that's news to me.  I apparently then owe a lot of people gifts!

PickleJuiceSlurper

@tee0715 LOL, I would owe a LOT of people gifts too.  But I do have to say, if I actually go to a wedding I will get them a gift, but that's just me.. and a gift being some cash.  I think it's expected nowadays but that's just because *some* *a lot* of people look at a wedding as a fund raiser of some sort.  I think it's perfectly acceptable to get just a card, and I also think everyone who attended your wedding, gift or not, should also be sent a Thank You card for attending and celebrating with you.

erinlin25

If I know the couple well and have to miss the wedding, I will send a gift-- If I think its a gift grab and its someone random I would not attend, nor send a gift. 

I would never not bring a gift/card with me to a wedding-- I think its rude not to at least bring a card and unless I had to spend a crazy amount to travel to the wedding I would never ever not attend without a gift (even if it was something small).

about half of our guests who did not attend the wedding sent us a gift.

JB612

Disagree.  Like PP's said, if I am close to the couple and cannot make it, I still send a gift.  If I am not close to the couple, not going, no gift.

Got a STD for DH SB who we have had no contact from him in over three years.  I said "WTF?"  Just last weekend, I get an invite to the bridal shower, and I never met the bride.  Once again "WTF?"  I gave my decline to the hostess, and not sending a gift.

As for my wedding, we had some declines send gifts and others did not.  NBD.  We did have two guests attend our wedding who did not give us a gift, and once again NBD.

KytchynWitche

gifts are NEVER required, whether you attend the wedding or not. it may be considered "bad form" in some circles to attend a wedding without bringing a gift, but then it's also bad form to demand a gift just for sending an invitation...

definitely some money-grubbing going on in that "article".

Amsdragonfly

So far, if we are not able to attend we have sent a card with money in the past. Honestly, we didn't do it because we were obligated but because we knew the couple well and felt bad we couldnt attend.

MyNameIsNot

Absolutely not.  An invitation is not an invoice.  A gift is always optional, and always at the discretion of the giver, not the recipient.  

amalama

There have only been a few weddings that we have been unable to go to, and of those we sent gifts for the ones that we were close to and would really have wanted to have been at the wedding. The 2 that were family that probably felt obligated to invite us and wouldn't even notice we were missing, we didn't. Although if our financial situation had been better at the time we probably would have sent something small from the registry.