Wedding Etiquette Forum

Does anyone else not really have a problem with PPDs?

First off, I'm really not trying to upset anyone, and I'm not saying anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do. I just wanted to gain a little insight into the different perspectives on this, and see what you lovely ladies have to say! :)

I've been reading a lot lately about how upset many people get about PPDs. While I can understand a lot of the arguments for why people don't like PPDs, personally, I don't feel the same. For me, celebrating the commitment of a loved one (whether that marriage legally happened years before or not,) is something that I would still feel honored and happy to be involved in. I apologize if I'm coming off as ignorant, but I have no problem with a couple hosting a big gathering of family and friends to celebrate their wedding, having a religious ceremony to get a church's blessing, or whatever they felt worked for them. I guess it feels like a personal choice to me, and I'm okay with a couple choosing to celebrate their commitment to each other however/whenever they want.

I'd really like to hear more from people who have opinions on this from both sides! I'm new to all this, and I'd really appreciate respectful insight. Thank you all very much for your time!
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Re: Does anyone else not really have a problem with PPDs?

  • I feel the same as Lia. If you didn't walk in your high school graduation, a year later, you wouldn't put on a cap & gown and put together a ceremony, would you? It's the same concept. 

     I posted a discussion about this a while ago about are there any circumstances when it's okay and I feel if the wedding is planned, but a VIP is on their deathbed and they want them to witness, then go for it but for benefits or something like that, hell no. Other posters generally felt that there is no valid PPD. 
  • I don't see the point of them, but they don't usually piss me off like they do other people. Unless people keep their first ceremony a secret, or if they did it for tax reasons. I don't like when people take advantage of their rights or take advantage of other people.

    So, in conclusion, I find them to be a huge, unnecessary waste of money, and more annoying than insulting. IMHO.
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2013


    I DO care if they lie to me (or anyone) about being married for any reason. Lying is so incredibly disrespectful, and I don't take kindly to it.

    And I DO care if they they treat the legal marriage like it wasn't a wedding, we just signed some papers/it's just a formality/anything that implies the ceremony that was their actual wedding somehow "wasn't real" or "didn't count", because that's just flat out insulting.

    However, if everybody knows you're married, and it's very clear a couple knows the legal ceremony is the one that actually matters, then I DON'T care if a couple chooses to spend their money on a kick-ass party to celebrate their marriage.


    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • I pretty much agree with Lia on this one. 

    Anniversary

  • I agree that celebrating the commitment of a loved one is wonderful. However, I feel like PPDs are awkward bc the couple is already married. Would you re-enact your child's birth if your parents weren't present for that, etc?
  • Thank you, everyone! I really appreciate your insights. I think one thing that really resonated with me was the lying; I have been to a few PPDs, but in every instance the bride and groom made it clear that they were already married. If a loved one felt that they had to lie to get me to attend, I would be extremely hurt, and I hadn't realized that was a common thing.
  • Lia and SouthernBelle have my feelings wrapped up perfectly.

    And since I've actually attended a couple PPD's (the first one, I was a guest and knew the couple had been married about 18 months, the second I was a bridesmaid and did NOT know the couple was already married) - I can tell you that there is a serious air of fauxness to them. People don't take them as seriously - because they aren't a real ceremony.

    image
  • I've been to a couple of big production PPDs in the last few years, and I had a fine time, and didn't mind at all that the couples had already gotten married. It wasn't a secret that they'd already gotten married, though, and I was very fond of those brides.  Both couples did have people close to them (grandparents) not come because they objected to the big do-over, though.  I figure I have the option of going or not to a PPD.  I'm more offended by obnoxious registry information in invitations than I am by PPDs.  Those are the weddings I skip.

    And by the way, I'm not a fan of the argument that "They are offensive to the people that are perfectly content with their JOP wedding." which pops up frequently here.  Personally, I eloped, and was married by a judge with just two witnesses (and DID NOT have a do-over of any kind), and I don't necessarily find the re-enactments offensive.  If I did, I could speak for myself thankyouverymuch.  Why would I?  It's like that old argument that's kept gay people from getting legally married for so long - as if the way others get married takes away somehow from my marriage.

     

  • Southern, you are genius. Well put.
  • I don't think PPDs bother me nearly as much as they bother most people.  I think it's a little silly, kind of pointless, and I could never see myself doing it.  But, it doesn't bother me if that's what someone decides to do.  But then, I'm a very "Live and let live" kind of person.  I don't really care what anyone else does as long as they're not hurting others in the process.

    To me, the whole point of the white dress, walking down the aisle, and all that other stuff is to get married.  If you're not getting married or you're already married, why do it?  If my husband and I had eloped (which we talked about, but decided against), we wouldn't have done any of that.  We might have thrown a party to celebrate, but it would not have been anything like a wedding.  There would have been no white dress, no fake ceremony, no bridal party, etc.  And we would have been honest about what it was.  Invitations would have said something like, "We're married! Come celebrate with us!"  Because I just don't see the point of pretending or having a wedding when you're already married.

    That said, it doesn't bother me when others do it.  I just found out I was a bridesmaid in a PPD and I really could care less.  I was surprised and wish I had known at the time, but that's it.  Had I known it was a PPD, I still would have participated and been happy for my friend.  I figure, whatever floats your boat, different strokes for different folks.

    The only thing is, I have sent them an anniversary card every year on their wedding anniversary.  What do I do this year?  It's not their real anniversary! LOL!
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  • Personally, they piss me off for 2 reasons:

    1.  because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so. 

    2.  couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later. 


    Are you legally married?  Yes.  Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married. 

    A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding.  And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.

    This.  

    While I don't get "pissed off" at the mere mention of them, I have yet to hear a good reason for one, and MOST of the reasons people have them are offensive to others and marginalize the legal aspect, which is huge.  

    I'm not offended because you're playing dress up, I'm offended because you're basically committing fraud and taking advantage of legal benefits that MY tax dollars help support.  I'm offended because you SAY it's about wanting a religious ceremony, but you can totally have a religious ceremony without all the frills and expenses.  I'm offended because you're using the military as an excuse to have your cake and eat it too.  And the list goes on.
     Can you explain the fraud part? I don't quite understand. Thanks!

  • Personally, they piss me off for 2 reasons:

    1.  because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so. 

    2.  couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later. 


    Are you legally married?  Yes.  Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married. 

    A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding.  And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.

    This.  

    While I don't get "pissed off" at the mere mention of them, I have yet to hear a good reason for one, and MOST of the reasons people have them are offensive to others and marginalize the legal aspect, which is huge.  

    I'm not offended because you're playing dress up, I'm offended because you're basically committing fraud and taking advantage of legal benefits that MY tax dollars help support.  I'm offended because you SAY it's about wanting a religious ceremony, but you can totally have a religious ceremony without all the frills and expenses.  I'm offended because you're using the military as an excuse to have your cake and eat it too.  And the list goes on.
     Can you explain the fraud part? I don't quite understand. Thanks!

    These couples usually run around claiming to "not really be married" because they haven't had their big white fluffy ceremony yet but are collecting government and employee benefits because they ARE actually married.

    Wanna guess how many of them are perfectly happy to admit being "really married" when those benefits are offered?

    image
  • I don't like the idea of false weddings, but I REALLY HATE dishonesty.

    I would be very unhappy to find out, later, that a wedding I attended was actually a false wedding.

    If I know in advance that the couple are already married, then I can make an informed choice about accepting or declining. (I'd probably decline.)

    I actually did attend a vow renewal for a couple married 60+ years. It was staged like a wedding, with the woman's oldest son escorting her down the aisle in a white dress. There was so much wrong with the whole event, that would take another entire message thread. I was really really pissed off when I left, and gave Dave an earful of bitchiness once we were alone in the car going home.

    It could have been a nice event for an 80-ish couple. It wasn't. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, starting with a 45-minute delay for a never-explained reason.
  • Personally, they piss me off for 2 reasons:

    1.  because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so. 

    2.  couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later. 


    Are you legally married?  Yes.  Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married. 

    A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding.  And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.
    Good point.  I hadn't thought of this.  H and I knew that in order to have the big wedding we wanted (well, to be honest the big wedding our FAMILIES wanted), we would have to save up for awhile.  That is why we had been dating 7 years already by the time we had our wedding.  During all those years, we would have loved to have all the legal benefits of marriage, but we knew we had to make a choice:  either get married right away and give up having our big wedding, or wait to get married.  We chose to wait.  I guess it's really not fair for people to have their cake and eat it too.
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  • walgrrl said:
    Personally, they piss me off for 2 reasons:

    1.  because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so. 

    2.  couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later. 


    Are you legally married?  Yes.  Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married. 

    A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding.  And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.
    Good point.  I hadn't thought of this.  H and I knew that in order to have the big wedding we wanted (well, to be honest the big wedding our FAMILIES wanted), we would have to save up for awhile.  That is why we had been dating 7 years already by the time we had our wedding.  During all those years, we would have loved to have all the legal benefits of marriage, but we knew we had to make a choice:  either get married right away and give up having our big wedding, or wait to get married.  We chose to wait.  I guess it's really not fair for people to have their cake and eat it too.
    This is why I find military PPD's even more annoying. The benefits of being a military spouse are enormous. It's disgraceful to me to accept so much federal tax money in benefits while claiming to not truly be married.
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Personally, they piss me off for 2 reasons:

    1.  because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so. 

    2.  couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later. 


    Are you legally married?  Yes.  Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married. 

    A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding.  And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.

    This.  

    While I don't get "pissed off" at the mere mention of them, I have yet to hear a good reason for one, and MOST of the reasons people have them are offensive to others and marginalize the legal aspect, which is huge.  

    I'm not offended because you're playing dress up, I'm offended because you're basically committing fraud and taking advantage of legal benefits that MY tax dollars help support.  I'm offended because you SAY it's about wanting a religious ceremony, but you can totally have a religious ceremony without all the frills and expenses.  I'm offended because you're using the military as an excuse to have your cake and eat it too.  And the list goes on.
     Can you explain the fraud part? I don't quite understand. Thanks!
    I can't speak for StageManager...but my opinion:

    Here are some of the legal benefits of being married....You can claim "married" status on your taxes...this is often a different tax bracket.  You can be on each other's health insurance, etc.  You can claim survivor & retirement benefits (Social Security, etc).   You can open retirement accounts for non-working spouses (IRAs).  If in the military, the pay rate can be different, you can get military housing, etc. that might be different than a single soldier. 

    The "fraud" portion comes into play when a couple gets married and therefore has the right to claim all of these benefits...but then "pretends" they aren't married to their friends and family so that they can also have the big, fancy PPD. 


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  • If you lie to me about it being a PPD, I will be very very very pissed off (this happened to me).

    If you cry tears at your PPD ceremony saying your vows, as if you haven't already been married a year, I'll roll my eyes at you (this happened to me).

    If you have a "first dance" and thank everyone for coming to your wedding, I'll sigh and stop caring (Yup, happened....).


    If, however, you tell everyone that you're already married, don't have a marriage ceremony, host a full bar, and just party the night away, I don't have a problem with it.
  • I posted on another thread about PPDs, but to add to this conversation... 

    The thing that irritates me about PPDs is the sense of entitlement that the women involved tend to have. They feel they're ENTITLED to their pretty white dress, getting walked down the aisle, a spotlight dance with their husband, etc, just because they are women and history shows that this is how women should expect to be married. I know of people who say they had a JOP wedding because of pregnancy but they'll have the "real wedding" later on, as if exchanging their vows in front of the JOP wasn't a real experience.

    I posted about the girl who came into my job that was "marrying" her husband of 2 years, and they'd eloped because he was in the military. This girl had to be one of the worst bridezillas I've ever seen, and it was mind-boggling to me because....they were already married, what could she really be freaking out about? This is when PPDs really do become all about attention, and it showed in her behavior. She also wore her engagement ring and wedding band the whole morning as she was getting her hair done lol I had no words.
  • Stage makes a very good point.  Also, by waiting to get married, we did have to wait longer to receive those certain benefits, but in my view, it was worth it.  Because we waited so long, we were able to save up to have the wedding we wanted and make our families happy, but without going broke or going into debt.  Also, we had all that extra time to get to know each other, fall even deeper in love, learn how to compromise, learn how to make each other happy, which are very important things when making a lifelong commitment to someone.  To me, that made it worth the wait.
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  • I have a problem with people lying about it.

    I also think it shortchanges you psychologically to go through the transformative experience and then not do the rituals that have evolved to support that process, until afterwards. It's like planning "I'm going to have a baby, and then when it's a year old, I'm going to tell my friends and family that I was pregnant and think about what to name it." That makes for a weird experience IMO (as someone who had a PPD before).
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
  • they really don't bother me, the point to me of doing a wedding where you invite more than immediate family is for everyone to be there to honor and celebrate it - and that doesn't have to happen on the day the contract was signed. We're signing out ketubah the day before, and FI wanted to sign the marriage license as well. I dont think our ceremony would be a farce.

    The only place I draw the line is if you have a small wedding in one place, and then a larger reception. You can have a second party, but no whilte dress, etc.

  • rkborkbo member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    So let me throw a little twist in this scenario. 

    My fiance and I are a same sex couple living in California. We just recently got the right to get married in California. Although she proposed to me last November, and we have been planning our wedding for October 12th of this year, we did not know for sure if our actual wedding date would be legal for us. If we catch wind at all that something will be overturned again, you can bet your butts that we are going to rush down to the courthouse to get married. We absolutely still plan to have a commitment ceremony on Oct 12th and still have the party that we have been planning and paying for all year. We do plan to do the first dance, father daughter dance, cake cutting, etc., all of which has been planned out already. In fact, our invitations will be going out by the end of July that state that we are getting "married" on Oct 12th. 

    So I would like to know, would that be considered incredibly rude if we rushed out to get married if our rights were going to be taken away and then still had the ceremony and party as planned?? 

    Thanks for your opinions. 
  • rhawndas said:
    So let me throw a little twist in this scenario. 

    My fiance and I are a same sex couple living in California. 

    I also live in California, and know full well the anguish of legality being offered, withdrawn, offered, etc.

    I entirely sympathize with your situation. In 2008, I attended two same-sex wedding in my church, both rather hastily arranged with Prop 8 looming up on the Nov 2008 ballot. Both couples were able to get legally married in the brief window of opportunity in 2008.

    Since then, one lady has passed away. I am so thankful she was able to marry her partner of 28 years and wife of 6 months before we lost her. Another interesting twist: The widow has since been ordained to the priesthood.

    I am going to mark Oct 12 on my calendar. If same-sex weddings are still legal in California, I will breathe a sigh of relief and send you good wishes and positive energy on that day. I would be making the same plans if I were in your shoes.

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2013
    @Stagemanager14, "I'm not offended because you're playing dress up, I'm offended because you're basically committing fraud and taking advantage of legal benefits that MY tax dollars help support. I'm offended because you SAY it's about wanting a religious ceremony, but you can totally have a religious ceremony without all the frills and expenses. I'm offended because you're using the military as an excuse to have your cake and eat it too. And the list goes on." Totally, totally agree. You said this so well!
  • I don't find PPDs as offensive as some posters do, but I would never side-eye a PPD for a same sex couple (unless they had more than one) because of exactly this. FI and I were originally leaning towards this fall to marry but pushed to next spring when I found out my sister/MOH was expecting in October. It's important our VIPs can make it, and that means pushing off the benefits of being married, BUT we know those benefits will still be there when we do get married, and that's a key, key difference.
    rhawndas said:
    So let me throw a little twist in this scenario. 

    My fiance and I are a same sex couple living in California. We just recently got the right to get married in California. Although she proposed to me last November, and we have been planning our wedding for October 12th of this year, we did not know for sure if our actual wedding date would be legal for us. If we catch wind at all that something will be overturned again, you can bet your butts that we are going to rush down to the courthouse to get married. We absolutely still plan to have a commitment ceremony on Oct 12th and still have the party that we have been planning and paying for all year. We do plan to do the first dance, father daughter dance, cake cutting, etc., all of which has been planned out already. In fact, our invitations will be going out by the end of July that state that we are getting "married" on Oct 12th. 

    So I would like to know, would that be considered incredibly rude if we rushed out to get married if our rights were going to be taken away and then still had the ceremony and party as planned?? 

    Thanks for your opinions. 

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