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Wedding Etiquette Forum
floridapearl87
member
Does anyone else not really have a problem with PPDs?
First off, I'm really not trying to upset anyone, and I'm not saying anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do. I just wanted to gain a little insight into the different perspectives on this, and see what you lovely ladies have to say! 
I've been reading a lot lately about how upset many people get about PPDs. While I can understand a lot of the arguments for why people don't like PPDs, personally, I don't feel the same. For me, celebrating the commitment of a loved one (whether that marriage legally happened years before or not,) is something that I would still feel honored and happy to be involved in. I apologize if I'm coming off as ignorant, but I have no problem with a couple hosting a big gathering of family and friends to celebrate their wedding, having a religious ceremony to get a church's blessing, or whatever they felt worked for them. I guess it feels like a personal choice to me, and I'm okay with a couple choosing to celebrate their commitment to each other however/whenever they want.
I'd really like to hear more from people who have opinions on this from both sides! I'm new to all this, and I'd really appreciate respectful insight. Thank you all very much for your time!
I've been reading a lot lately about how upset many people get about PPDs. While I can understand a lot of the arguments for why people don't like PPDs, personally, I don't feel the same. For me, celebrating the commitment of a loved one (whether that marriage legally happened years before or not,) is something that I would still feel honored and happy to be involved in. I apologize if I'm coming off as ignorant, but I have no problem with a couple hosting a big gathering of family and friends to celebrate their wedding, having a religious ceremony to get a church's blessing, or whatever they felt worked for them. I guess it feels like a personal choice to me, and I'm okay with a couple choosing to celebrate their commitment to each other however/whenever they want.
I'd really like to hear more from people who have opinions on this from both sides! I'm new to all this, and I'd really appreciate respectful insight. Thank you all very much for your time!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Does anyone else not really have a problem with PPDs?
So, in conclusion, I find them to be a huge, unnecessary waste of money, and more annoying than insulting. IMHO.
I DO care if they lie to me (or anyone) about being married for any reason. Lying is so incredibly disrespectful, and I don't take kindly to it.
And I DO care if they they treat the legal marriage like it wasn't a wedding, we just signed some papers/it's just a formality/anything that implies the ceremony that was their actual wedding somehow "wasn't real" or "didn't count", because that's just flat out insulting.
However, if everybody knows you're married, and it's very clear a couple knows the legal ceremony is the one that actually matters, then I DON'T care if a couple chooses to spend their money on a kick-ass party to celebrate their marriage.
1. because there are a LOT of people that would LOVE to have their relationships legalized and they aren't allowed to do so.
2. couples get married and enjoy the legal benefits of marriage but then want a "do over" so they can have a fancy fake "wedding" later.
Are you legally married? Yes. Well then be grateful and happy that you were able to get legally married.
A white dress, spotlight dance and bunch of guests is not required for a wedding. And a "PPD" is a slap in the face to couples that aren't able to get legally married AND to couples who save up (sometimes for years) to have a fancy wedding WITHOUT enjoying the legal benefits of marriage while they are saving.
Lia and SouthernBelle have my feelings wrapped up perfectly.
And since I've actually attended a couple PPD's (the first one, I was a guest and knew the couple had been married about 18 months, the second I was a bridesmaid and did NOT know the couple was already married) - I can tell you that there is a serious air of fauxness to them. People don't take them as seriously - because they aren't a real ceremony.
I've been to a couple of big production PPDs in the last few years, and I had a fine time, and didn't mind at all that the couples had already gotten married. It wasn't a secret that they'd already gotten married, though, and I was very fond of those brides. Both couples did have people close to them (grandparents) not come because they objected to the big do-over, though. I figure I have the option of going or not to a PPD. I'm more offended by obnoxious registry information in invitations than I am by PPDs. Those are the weddings I skip.
And by the way, I'm not a fan of the argument that "They are offensive to the people that are perfectly content with their JOP wedding." which pops up frequently here. Personally, I eloped, and was married by a judge with just two witnesses (and DID NOT have a do-over of any kind), and I don't necessarily find the re-enactments offensive. If I did, I could speak for myself thankyouverymuch. Why would I? It's like that old argument that's kept gay people from getting legally married for so long - as if the way others get married takes away somehow from my marriage.
So let me get this straight - you're saying parading around in a giant white dress like a bride when you're already a wife is worth upsetting family and friends (and having them refuse to attend "your special day")? Forgive me if I think family is a little more important than a faux ceremony.
And that's great that you don't find the "JOP ceremonies aren't real weddings" offensive. However, we have many friends who were married by JOP and DO find that kind of talk incredibly offensive (aka the implication that their wedding was somehow lacking because it wasn't a big to-do). So I'll continue to stand up for my friends thankyouverymuch.
To me, the whole point of the white dress, walking down the aisle, and all that other stuff is to get married. If you're not getting married or you're already married, why do it? If my husband and I had eloped (which we talked about, but decided against), we wouldn't have done any of that. We might have thrown a party to celebrate, but it would not have been anything like a wedding. There would have been no white dress, no fake ceremony, no bridal party, etc. And we would have been honest about what it was. Invitations would have said something like, "We're married! Come celebrate with us!" Because I just don't see the point of pretending or having a wedding when you're already married.
That said, it doesn't bother me when others do it. I just found out I was a bridesmaid in a PPD and I really could care less. I was surprised and wish I had known at the time, but that's it. Had I known it was a PPD, I still would have participated and been happy for my friend. I figure, whatever floats your boat, different strokes for different folks.
The only thing is, I have sent them an anniversary card every year on their wedding anniversary. What do I do this year? It's not their real anniversary! LOL!
Can you explain the fraud part? I don't quite understand. Thanks!
These couples usually run around claiming to "not really be married" because they haven't had their big white fluffy ceremony yet but are collecting government and employee benefits because they ARE actually married.
Wanna guess how many of them are perfectly happy to admit being "really married" when those benefits are offered?
I would be very unhappy to find out, later, that a wedding I attended was actually a false wedding.
If I know in advance that the couple are already married, then I can make an informed choice about accepting or declining. (I'd probably decline.)
I actually did attend a vow renewal for a couple married 60+ years. It was staged like a wedding, with the woman's oldest son escorting her down the aisle in a white dress. There was so much wrong with the whole event, that would take another entire message thread. I was really really pissed off when I left, and gave Dave an earful of bitchiness once we were alone in the car going home.
It could have been a nice event for an 80-ish couple. It wasn't. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, starting with a 45-minute delay for a never-explained reason.
Here are some of the legal benefits of being married....You can claim "married" status on your taxes...this is often a different tax bracket. You can be on each other's health insurance, etc. You can claim survivor & retirement benefits (Social Security, etc). You can open retirement accounts for non-working spouses (IRAs). If in the military, the pay rate can be different, you can get military housing, etc. that might be different than a single soldier.
The "fraud" portion comes into play when a couple gets married and therefore has the right to claim all of these benefits...but then "pretends" they aren't married to their friends and family so that they can also have the big, fancy PPD.
June 2012 Bride!
The thing that irritates me about PPDs is the sense of entitlement that the women involved tend to have. They feel they're ENTITLED to their pretty white dress, getting walked down the aisle, a spotlight dance with their husband, etc, just because they are women and history shows that this is how women should expect to be married. I know of people who say they had a JOP wedding because of pregnancy but they'll have the "real wedding" later on, as if exchanging their vows in front of the JOP wasn't a real experience.
I posted about the girl who came into my job that was "marrying" her husband of 2 years, and they'd eloped because he was in the military. This girl had to be one of the worst bridezillas I've ever seen, and it was mind-boggling to me because....they were already married, what could she really be freaking out about? This is when PPDs really do become all about attention, and it showed in her behavior. She also wore her engagement ring and wedding band the whole morning as she was getting her hair done lol I had no words.
I also think it shortchanges you psychologically to go through the transformative experience and then not do the rituals that have evolved to support that process, until afterwards. It's like planning "I'm going to have a baby, and then when it's a year old, I'm going to tell my friends and family that I was pregnant and think about what to name it." That makes for a weird experience IMO (as someone who had a PPD before).
they really don't bother me, the point to me of doing a wedding where you invite more than immediate family is for everyone to be there to honor and celebrate it - and that doesn't have to happen on the day the contract was signed. We're signing out ketubah the day before, and FI wanted to sign the marriage license as well. I dont think our ceremony would be a farce.
The only place I draw the line is if you have a small wedding in one place, and then a larger reception. You can have a second party, but no whilte dress, etc.
PPD does not apply in same sex couple situations when the laws around this keep shifting, in my humble opinion.
I also live in California, and know full well the anguish of legality being offered, withdrawn, offered, etc.
I entirely sympathize with your situation. In 2008, I attended two same-sex wedding in my church, both rather hastily arranged with Prop 8 looming up on the Nov 2008 ballot. Both couples were able to get legally married in the brief window of opportunity in 2008.
Since then, one lady has passed away. I am so thankful she was able to marry her partner of 28 years and wife of 6 months before we lost her. Another interesting twist: The widow has since been ordained to the priesthood.
I am going to mark Oct 12 on my calendar. If same-sex weddings are still legal in California, I will breathe a sigh of relief and send you good wishes and positive energy on that day. I would be making the same plans if I were in your shoes.