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Wedding Party
Autistic/mentally retarded sister....
I'll try to keep to the point... My only sister, who is 4 yrs. older than I, is naturally to be my maid-of-honor, however......my sister is autistic/severely mentally retarded. She's low functioning, but no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her. She's is fully ambulatory (no wheel chair ever), but she's very "on-the -go". Doesn't , especially stand still long. ALSO, we live in Adam Diego, CA, but our wedding is going to be in Virginia Beach, VA. So, if we got her to the other side of the country, flying would be out of the question die to her inability to stay seated for long. The last time my sister traveled , she has about 5 yrs. old. She is now 34....I'm immensely torn, and unable to make a decision...while I want my one and only beautiful, loving sister there on my special day, at the same token, I don't want to be greedy and have her stress out with change/travel . Every time I have the thought of her not being there with me, or not being in our photos, I choke up, and just want to move on, and avoid the situation, but I know I have to make a decision, very soon too. My sister is my Angel on earth and was a huge influence to who I am, and I why an, the way I am. I don't know anyone who can relate to my situation,so I haven't received much input, other than honoring her somehow, but I don't know what could honor her more than having her there up at the altar with me...our wedding is next May (2014)....
The reason why we are having our wedding on the other side of the country is because my fiancé is from VA, PLUS 95% of our guests are on either on the east coast, or in Europe. Plus it's waaaaay cheaper to do things on the east coast than here in CA. =( Such a dilemma...help, please?
I always feared that something like this would happen when my time to get married would come. Now it has....
So if the suggestion is to honor her honor her, how?
Thank you.
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Re: Autistic/mentally retarded sister....
My sister has something that is comparable to down syndrome. She is not in the WP, even though I love her dearly. The reason she won't be standing up there is because she isn't able to grasp what the wedding is. As far as I know, she doesn't have an idea of what marriage is. All she knows is that my FI is someone who's in her life now, and is most closely associated with me. The only thing she'll understand about the ceremony is that since it's a Catholic mass, she'll feel like she's just attending church-which she loves. It's hard to think that she won't be in the WP, but my family knows it's for the best. She'll be ushered in with the parents and grandparents though. She'll get to have her own entrance, with my brother walking her to her seat. I feel like that's the best way to include her and show how important she is to me.
What do your parents think? Most importantly, have you talked to your sister? Everyone has different levels of functioning, so I'm not sure if talking to her about this is an option. It wasn't with my sister, and it may be the same for you too. Definitely talk to your parents, not just about her role in the wedding, but about traveling. I'd be heartbroken if my sister couldn't come to my wedding. My sister struggles with travel a bit as well. She doesn't like being confined, so airplanes are sometimes a challenge for her. But she handles it pretty well, as long as we're prepared and have things for her to do. Distraction is the key for us when we travel. Last time she was on a plane, my mom downloaded a couple moves on her kindle that my sister could watch. It actually worked pretty well. But then again, every person is different. What works for my sister may not work for yours. Talk to your family about your options. For us, medication is NOT something we will consider for my sister (unless a doctor says it's medically necessary of course). We don't want to put her body through that, especially because she won't understand it. But that's just what my family has chosen to do.
I wish you the best of luck, OP! My sister has traveled a lot, so if you'd like any more ideas on what's worked for her, let me know! I hope this works out for you!
ETA: @kiddodarling, I hate it when people say retarded, mostly because most people that say it use the word incorrectly. When people say "that's so retarded!", it's a HUGE button for me. I don't think anything gets my blood boiling faster. These days, no one uses the word properly anymore, so I've never said it. Besides, it's often not correct to say that. With my sister, mental retardation is a symptom of the actual condition, which is a chromosomal defect. So I avoid use of the word entirely. But yeah, I get really on edge when people use the word incorrectly, and I hate it when people stare. What drove me up the wall is when we were in the same school, and kids my age would laugh at the special ed class when they were right there. I turned into a MASSIVE bitch and did not hesitate to call them out on it. Then again, I've been defending my sister and calling people out on it since I could talk, no lie. Everyone needs an advocate, right?
No. It is never okay to call people retarded. My fiancé works with people who have developmental disabilities, and that's what it's called, a developmental disability. My old manager used to call random employees retarded (he thought it was funny), between my supervisor and myself we managed to tell him off and tell him that that's not the correct terminology anyway. You are absolutely right to put people in their place.
Back to the OP. If you are set on having your sister in your wedding than you may want to reconsider location so that she can be there with as little stress being put on her as possible. If you are set on your current location than I'd sit down with your sister and her guardian and explain to her that you truly want her there for your special day but you don't want to create undue stress. I'd then have a part afterwards and make sure she's included in that.
I completely agree. I understand the guests are mostly in the area where the wedding is going to be at, but I would have done the wedding where my sister could attend. And then done another party in VA. To me my family's attendance, especially my sisters, would be more important than anyone else's.
It sounds like you love your sister a lot. I mean you call her your angel on earth, but you should have factored in her issues when you were originally planning your wedding.
Previously Alaynajuliana
This is a button-presser for me as my son is on the spectrum (albeit high-functioning).
To the bolded, I'm confused by this too. It doesn't sound like hte OP actually knows what her sister's diagnosis is.
I also agree with PP's who suggested having the ceremony and reception in CA so the sister can attend, then having another reception or party out in VA to accommodate people who cannot fly out to CA.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
2. If she's so important to you, you find a way to have her there. If that means having a smaller wedding in California, then you do that. You prioritise QUALITY of guests over QUANTITY of guests.
3. Your post reads like an excuse to exclude her. Just sayin'.
I don't think I'm chastising her at all by asking that question. I'm asking from one person who grew up with an autistic sister to another a question, and like others have pointed out some people use that term. From what I learned from my sisters teachers and therapists the word retarded is not something they would ever use to describe someone who is mentally handicapped, whether or not it's their diagnosis
This! That's how I felt, but I didn't want to be the only one who thought it
If having your sister be a part of your wedding is important, then have your wedding in a location where she can be a part of it. Have a short ceremony with only your immediate friends and family so that it does not overwhelm her.
This is one of those situations where you have to choose what is most important to you and then live with the consequences of that choice. Either you want your sister to be a part of your wedding and stand there with you - or you want your wedding to be on the East Coast and attended by a larger number of family and friends.
I don't know as though there is a middle ground here. Sucks...but that might just be reality.
Am I correct in thinking that the wedding itself only has meaning to you and not her?
If so, I think it is okay for her not to be at your wedding party or in your wedding. The position won't be affecting your relationship or love for her. I thought it was a nice suggestion to have a special moment with her at home.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
There's a difference between saying someone/something is "retarded" and a medical diagnosis of mental retardation. I think I'd rather say she has mental retardation than she's mentally retarded
@mobkaz
True there is no one wrong or right answer to every situation. However, in this one it seems rather black and white. Either you love your sister enough to, like you said, make a tough choice in life and make sure she's at your wedding or you decide she's not going to make it because you didn't keep her limitations in mind for your wedding. I just find it offensive to exclude OP sister and then to say something so dismissive as she won't know what she's missing. I had a friend tell me that when I asked why she invited everyone in my family except my sister to her wedding. Needless to say I have never spoken to her since.
Many people are prescribed medication to "get through" a situation. Half of my friends need anti-anxiety medicines when they fly. I would never suggest anyone to use a tranquilizing medication. In my original response I asked if she was on any meds because most autistic individuals need medicine for their ocd and anxiety. I never implied to use drugs for the entire weekend, only traveling is the issue. My sister can go on road trips just fine, but when it comes to planes she gets extremely nervous, so the one time we took her on one her psychiatrist suggested giving her an extra dose of her anti-anxiety to help. That's what made me think of asking my questions in my original response.
You are right, I should probably not judge her level of guilt.