No plus 1 for Bridesmaid for OOT wedding

kinsey0628

Hi,
I'm a bridesmaid in an out of town wedding this October.  I just got my invite in the mail, and it's clearly only addressed to me, NO guest.  I'm not in a relationship (currently) but I can't lie, my feelings are hurt.  She also happened to mention that another bridesmaid's boyfriend IS coming, which honestly really stung even more.  Obviously I'm happy for the other girl who has a BF and glad he gets to come, I don't begrudge her that at all.  But it feels like an insult to me, like "Oh K is single, she doesn't get/need a date."  (And I do assume she's happy to save the $$)  The other bridesmaids are really nice girls, but I'm definitely not super tight with them.  I have family in the area, I could have brought my cousin or someone (who I am close with).  Etiquette-wise, she really doesn't have to extend a plus 1 to anyone who's single, right??  I DEFINITELY am not thinking of saying anything or causing drama.  And going solo will be fine, I'm sure.

Just needed to vent a bit.  She is being a demanding bride on the whole and it's stressing me out. It's totally in keeping w/ her personality, and I knew what I was getting into agreeing to be in the wedding.  She is very sweet at heart, and I really am happy for her and her future husb.  Just venting.  Thanks!

AddieCake

While she's not required to give you a date, I am a firm believer in WP members being allowed dates. Sorry she let you down with this.

kinsey0628

Thanks Addie

JoanE2012

AddieL73 said:

While she's not required to give you a date, I am a firm believer in WP members being allowed dates. Sorry she let you down with this.

Me too.  Especially for OOT weddings.

BarbLovesDave

As host of the event, it was her call.

Just go and make the best of it. When it's your turn to host an event, a wedding or any event, the guest list will be under your control.

Dreamergirl8812

IMO, if there's any chance you will be uncomfortable or feeling left out/alone at the wedding she should give you a plus one, even if you're not in the WP.

aurianna

BarbLovesDave said:

As host of the event, it was her call.

Just go and make the best of it. When it's your turn to host an event, a wedding or any event, the guest list will be under your control.

OP, Yup. Her call as the host. So no, your friend did not break etiquette. Also it would have been very rude of her to NOT invite the other bridesmaids' boyfriend, as they are a social unit, and social units should be invited to events together.

But as a friend, it would have been very considerate for her to let you bring a date. You're justified in being a bit hurt, considering how much time and I assume money you are spending to be there for her.

And to tack onto Barb's post... when you host an event and "have control of the guest list" remember how this made you feel and offer courtesies you wish had been offered to you if you're able (though I'm guessing that was not Barb's intended message...)


ETA:
Also I'm concerned that she's being demanding? All she should be "demanding" of you is you get the dress, assuming it's under the budget that she should have asked you for, and that you show up on time and sober to the wedding. She has no right to demand or expect anything else, especially if she's not doing what she can to make you comfortable during the reception...

BarbLovesDave

aurianna said:

 

OP, Yup. Her call as the host. So no, your friend did not break etiquette. Also it would have been very rude of her to NOT invite the other bridesmaids' boyfriend, as they are a social unit, and social units should be invited to events together.

But as a friend, I would have been very considerate for her to let you bring a date. You're justified in being a bit hurt, considering how much time and I assume money you are spending to be there for her.

And to tack onto Barb's post... when you host an event and "have control of the guest list" remember how this made you feel and offer courtesies you wish had been offered to you if you're able (though I'm guess that was not Barb's intended message...)

That was exactly my intended message. Do a better job when it's your turn to host.

Look: It's OK to be hurt. It's OK to be offended. It's OK to be mad at your friend.

What good will that do? Nothing. Letting people know you are hurt, offended, mad, etc, will only give them power over you. "Oh poor lonely girl can't get a boyfriend. Boo-hoo."

Best to attend the wedding and have a good time, as best you can under the circs. When it's your wedding, your budget, your guest list, you can allow anyone to bring a Plus One. You can even let your friend (bride) know you are doing that because of her prior inconsideration, so long as you are polite about it.

"Are we inviting Plus Ones? Oh, my gosh, yes we are. I remember many times being invited to weddings without a Plus One, and remember very well that I had a lousy time. I won't do the same to my friends. We sure as heck are inviting Plus Ones." 

"Oh, gee, we didn't invite Plus Ones to our wedding. We didn't have the budget for that."

"Water under the bridge, as far as I am concerned. I'm planning my own wedding now and am trying to be considerate of my guests."


***

An alternative is to consider the wedding to be a jumping-off point for a fun vacation, with the companion of your choice. You fly to the destination, participate in the wedding, then just stay there and pick up your own friend at the airport the next day. Then, you have a nice vacation post-wedding and post-anyone having anything to say about who you are with.

QueerFemme

I honestly think anyone who is attending a wedding from out of town should be given a +1.  A member of the wedding party, in my opinion, should ALWAYS get a +1.  It is a major breach of etiquette?  no. But, I still think its rude.

BarbLovesDave

QueerFemme said:

I honestly think anyone who is attending a wedding from out of town should be given a +1.  A member of the wedding party, in my opinion, should ALWAYS get a +1.  It is a major breach of etiquette?  no. But, I still think its rude.

The bride does not win the Niceness Award from me, either.

coolwhipz1

That sucks. It would have been nice for her to extend that option to you. If you happen to start a relationship before the wedding though I would let her know, and in that case she should allow you to bring that SO.

Is it possible she doesn't know you are thinking you'd be lonely at the reception, and if she knew she'd allow you to bring someone? It might not hurt to ask. And if she says no then that's that.

 

Jen4948

Although it would have been nice for you to be given a +1, since you are not in a relationship you had no right to expect one and it was up to the couple.

Redbride801

AddieL73 said:

While she's not required to give you a date, I am a firm believer in WP members being allowed dates. Sorry she let you down with this.

Ditto. We are actually offering +1's to all our guests. While I know it's not required, it was important to us and we chose a venue where we could host our guests properly (in our opinions)

Maggie0829

AddieL73 said:

While she's not required to give you a date, I am a firm believer in WP members being allowed dates. Sorry she let you down with this.

Ditto. We are actually offering +1's to all our guests. While I know it's not required, it was important to us and we chose a venue where we could host our guests properly (in our opinions)

We offered everyone a +1 as well if they were single. I just know that when I am invited to an event I always feel more comfortable if I am invited along with a date and I wanted all my guests to be as comfortable and happy as possible.

harper0813

scribe95 said:

It would have been nice I guess. I have seen this issue with WP members wanting a plus one for a friend/family member and I guess really don't get it. I have been a bridesmaid in a dozen weddings and never brought someone along. I was busy doing stuff with the wedding party, hanging out with friends. I always worried another person would just be bored off by themselves and I would feel I had to "entertain" them.

I agree with this. Heck, my then-boyfriend (now fiancé) was bored out of his mind last fall when I was in my friend's wedding. There was a three-hour gap where we took photos and then the reception had a head table, so we only got to spend the reception together - and then he got pissed that I was dancing with friends, too, rather than just him, because he was cranky about spending his whole day alone.

This is NOT to say that SOs shouldn't be invited, or that you didn't deserve a plus one, because I agree with PPs that it would have been really nice if you were given one. But - it is not always fun to be the plus one of a WP member, especially if you don't know many people. The bride and groom often have lofty expectations of their party, even though they shouldn't, that keeps the GMs and BMs occupied. You won't be lonely, I promise.

Plus, my MOH met her boyfriend at that wedding last fall!

AddieCake

We, too, gave every person who was single a +1. I realize not everyone can afford to do that, though. It was funny b/c one of my bridesmaids is single and opted not to bring a date b/c she figured people would ask too many questions. She said, "I'd rather be 'alone' at a wedding than have everyone wondering who this guy was and what was going on!" 

MoonlightSilver

OP, did you ask the bride for a plus 1? Truly single people don't have to get plus 1s, and I did not offer plus 1s to my single guests or party members. However, my single MOH asked for a plus 1 to bring her friend, and I happily obliged. If my other single party member had asked, I would have been ok with that too, but I didn't offer it to them. 

MoxieMickie

scribe95 said:

It would have been nice I guess. I have seen this issue with WP members wanting a plus one for a friend/family member and I guess really don't get it. I have been a bridesmaid in a dozen weddings and never brought someone along. I was busy doing stuff with the wedding party, hanging out with friends. I always worried another person would just be bored off by themselves and I would feel I had to "entertain" them.

I would hate to attend a wedding as a guest of the wedding party when I dont know anyone else there. Sitting alone before the ceremony, possibly being alone during cocktail hour due to photos, and being the fifth wheel during any WP things (dances, etc) would be terribly awkward for me. But, others might be more inclined to hang out to provide company when a member of the WP needs it, and might even have fun during the alone times.

LavenderHoneyBee

MoonlightSilver said:

OP, did you ask the bride for a plus 1? Truly single people don't have to get plus 1s, and I did not offer plus 1s to my single guests or party members. However, my single MOH asked for a plus 1 to bring her friend, and I happily obliged. If my other single party member had asked, I would have been ok with that too, but I didn't offer it to them. 

I don't think asking for a plus 1 is very polite. She obviously chose to not give you on for a reason. Maybe tight guest list/budget? Or, maybe she didn't want strangers there? I have 3 single bridesmaids and I don't know if I'll give them plus 1's yet. Space is very tight, and I know if I had room for 3 extra guests my mom (who is paying) would want to invite her friends, over allowing my BP to all bring a random friend/family member/ etc. 

OP, I don't think the bride meant to offend you. She must have her reasons, and while you might be bummed now, when it comes time for you to make this tough decisions you'll understand that it wasn't anything personal. Another thing to consider is that maybe she felt if she gave you a plus one, shed have to give one to every single guest? 

MoonlightSilver

LavenderHoneyBee said:

MoonlightSilver said:

OP, did you ask the bride for a plus 1? Truly single people don't have to get plus 1s, and I did not offer plus 1s to my single guests or party members. However, my single MOH asked for a plus 1 to bring her friend, and I happily obliged. If my other single party member had asked, I would have been ok with that too, but I didn't offer it to them. 

I don't think asking for a plus 1 is very polite. She obviously chose to not give you on for a reason. Maybe tight guest list/budget? Or, maybe she didn't want strangers there? I have 3 single bridesmaids and I don't know if I'll give them plus 1's yet. Space is very tight, and I know if I had room for 3 extra guests my mom (who is paying) would want to invite her friends, over allowing my BP to all bring a random friend/family member/ etc. 

OP, I don't think the bride meant to offend you. She must have her reasons, and while you might be bummed now, when it comes time for you to make this tough decisions you'll understand that it wasn't anything personal. Another thing to consider is that maybe she felt if she gave you a plus one, shed have to give one to every single guest? 

In general, I agree guests shouldn't ask, but I think it's perfectly okay for the bridal party. These are supposed to be your closest friends. 

kinsey0628

BarbLovesDave said:

 When it's your wedding, your budget, your guest list, you can allow anyone to bring a Plus One. You can even let your friend (bride) know you are doing that because of her prior inconsideration, so long as you are polite about it.

"Are we inviting Plus Ones? Oh, my gosh, yes we are. I remember many times being invited to weddings without a Plus One, and remember very well that I had a lousy time. I won't do the same to my friends. We sure as heck are inviting Plus Ones." 

"Oh, gee, we didn't invite Plus Ones to our wedding. We didn't have the budget for that."

"Water under the bridge, as far as I am concerned. I'm planning my own wedding now and am trying to be considerate of my guests."

Hahahahahahaha!!!!  Love this hypothetical future convo, so funny!

Here are some things I mean by "demanding"... she basically told us to throw her a shower.  She has definitely been very NICE about it, but it was DEFINITELY CLEARLY conveyed that she expected us to do this as part of our "duties."  It might not have stuck out to me as rude so much, except that from reading these boards, I've heard over and over and over that "a shower is a gift," and that brides really aren't supposed to expect them, much less tell us to have one.  I have been a bridesmaid before in several other weddings, and I have never been treated this way before.

The bridesmaid dresses also kind of irritated me.  All said and done (like after alterations, ordering/shipping fees, etc), they'll be close to $200.  Fine.  BUT, she's made comments like "Don't worry, I will NOT pick anything over ~200... which is on the LOW end for bridesmaids dresses."  Uhmm, NO it isn't.  At least, not in MY life.  It's AVERAGE, at best -- if not HIGH.  I've paid approximately equal to, or LESS than that for all my weddings.  So it irritated me that she felt she was doing us a favor by ordering "low end" bridesmaids dresses.  I don't begrudge the cost of the dress or the fact that I'll never wear it again, but I DO begrudge the comment that it's "on the cheap end."

She also wants to do a Bachelorette in Vegas.  I'm not opposed to this either, but the $$$ is definitely adding up.  She full on said that she "heard it's bad etiquette to mention a Vegas bachelorette party."  BUT then goes on that "this doesn't apply to us tho, because we all know how to do Vegas cheap."  I mean, again... okay, BUT no matter how you slice it up, Vegas = $$.  And even if we go super cheap-o, that means sharing beds and rooms or sleeping on couches, and to be honest, I'm not a spring chicken, and I really have trouble sleeping like that, my back hurts.

And this wedding is CLEAR ACROSS the country.  Like, CALIFORNIA.  (We are east coast).  She has a venue out there that she can get for free through a coworker or something, and is supposed to be beautiful.  So, she's made comments about the free venue is great, etc.  Which honestly kind of annoys me too.  Sure, it's great for HER that she has a free venue... but it certainly creates a lot of extra cost for the guests (myself included)... a fact that just seems completely lost on her.  She was complaining to me a couple weeks ago about some ppl who aren't coming bc they have other trips planned already and can't afford both.  And she's like whining that that's not a valid excuse.

So anyway, she wants us out at the venue several days before the actual ceremony, so we can like all hang out together and mingle (all the BMs).  More days = more time off work and more hotel rooms = more $$$$$$.  And it wasn't put out there like as an offer or suggestion that we COULD come early, it was more like a request that it was expected for us to be there for the pre-wedding stuff, days ahead of time.  And just her overall attitude towards us is very much that we're like her assistant wedding planners and we have many obligations and duties to fulfill.

And she's like making requirements and requests for our toasts... (I thought that toasts just kind of happened in my experience, I've never been TOLD to toast someone).

Idk... a lot of it IS traditional things that we as BMs would probably end up doing anyway.  But she's just kind of stressing me out on the whole.  As odd as it sounds, she really IS a very sweet person.  And this behavior is completely in keeping w/ her personality as I've known her for 15+ years... just kind of self-focused and clueless.  I DID know and expect it to be somewhat like this, when I agreed to be in the wedding.  And again, I really AM happy for her, and it IS an honor that she wants me to stand up for her.  AND... honestly, I DO think it will be a fun trip and a good time.

Ugh, I just have a lot else going on in my life, and really hate the idea of letting people down.  And with her skewed (in my opinion) expectations, I feel like she's going to get hurt somehow.  And it's stressing me out!!  Thanks for listening

EDIT: spelling

kinsey0628

Jen4948 said:

Although it would have been nice for you to be given a +1, since you are not in a relationship you had no right to expect one and it was up to the couple.

This also made me LOL.  I had "no right" to expect a plus one.  Hahahahaha!

BarbLovesDave

And this wedding is CLEAR ACROSS the country.  Like, CALIFORNIA.  (We are east coast).

Hey, it's NICE here in Southern California! Sunny skies, mild temps, think of the Rose Parade and the Beach Boys. (Don't come in August. Trust me on this one.)

Seriously: From what all you said, I personally think that dragging anyone else along on this horror show of an Entitlement Queen Bride would be double trouble. She wants a bachelorette in Las Vegas? Plus the wedding itself in California? With friends and family coming in from the East Coast? Oh, please.

I think that if you were to obtain a boyfriend between now and then, then ask New Boyfriend to go along on this trip, he'd dump you flat and run for the hills. I wouldn't blame him. It would take True Love, really True Stalker-esque Love for anyone to accompany you on this trip. I wouldn't even take my own husband to tell you the truth, since it sounds expensive and time-consuming. My darling wonderful patient kind Dave would flip out.

In you case, I would be thinking of damage control, not a plus-one invite. Try to minimize the damage to your bank account and your work vacation hours balance.

annathy03

Kinsey, that post was a little long for me to quote, but WOW.  Your bride would have driven me crazy by now.  While it's rude if she's clueless I can see the shower thing since a lot of brides don't realize showers aren't a given, but to say a $200 dress is cheap (it isn't- my last BM dress was $99), expect a bachelorette in Vegas, expect you to travel thousands of miles solo (I agree WP members should typically get +1s, and traveling guests should as well, in this case you are both), and expect you days ahead of the ceremony?  YIKES.

I'd talk to some of the other BMs about how they feel regarding Vegas.  From the east coast, just flying is pricey, regardless of how "cheap" you do Vegas, and a lot of girls won't be the first to raise their hand and say "yo, I really can't afford that".  I'm a BM this fall and the bride had mentioned casually that it would be neat to do a girls weekend wine tasting in Cali or something, and as soon as one BM mentioned she couldn't afford a trip, 2 more immediately followed suit.  In regards to getting out there early, same thing and book what you want.  If you want to be there a day or three early, great, but as long as you are there for the rehearsal and ceremony that's all she can reasonably expect.

The +1 stinks, especially since you're traveling so far, and if you feel like you want to mention it I'd stick to something about wanting to clarify if you get a guest rather than outright asking.  That's technically against etiquette, and technically she's not wrong to invite you solo, but I think it's really crappy NOT to give one to a WP member flying to your wedding.

aurianna

You do NOT have to go out there days early for that wedding.
Just tell her, "I'd love to hang out with you, but I will be getting in town the day before the wedding."
If she hounds you about it say, "I'm sorry, but that is the only time that works for my finances and schedule." If she doesn't let it go say, "I'm sorry you're upset, but unfortunately it's not negotiable. But I can't wait for your wedding. We'll have tons of fun. Hey, have you tried this bean dip??"

You DEFINITELY do not have to do the party in Vegas. Talk to the other girls and say, "I'd like to do a bach party for bride. I'm willing to spend $XYZ. Does anyone else want to have one, and if so what are your budgets and ideas? Unfortunately I can not go to Vegas, but if that's the party the rest of you want to have I understand and will send my best wishes."
Something like that.

kinsey0628

I am starting to re-think Vegas, to be honest.  While I did kind of know what I was in for being her BM, it's getting to be a bit much for me to deal with.

To all who are like "It's her decision, it may be $$$ or venue space, etc."  I agree, and I ASSUME it IS a money decision.  She's making the decision to save herself money rather than go an extra mile to make her wedding party extra comfortable.  Totally her call, for sure.  I'm just not super impressed with it, given all she's asking of us.

Anyway, would it be rude for me not to get her a wedding present?  Do you typically give presents at Bachelorette parties?  BLD.. I am kind of getting into a "damage control" mentality at this point.  And cutting costs by not giving a gift is kind of all I can think of now.  Is that petty and/or vindictive of me though if I don't give a gift, bc I've already spent so much money?

Usually whenever I see ppl complaining on here that they didn't receive a gift, they are like "XXX could AT LEAST have given me a card."  So I'm thinking I will give them a nice card.  Is that stupid?

EDIT: I got BarbLovesDave's name wrong

aurianna

You bought a bridesmaid dress, that from the sound of it, she did not even ask your budget for prior. You're probably going to help throw her a shower. You're possibly going to throw her a b-party. You're flying across the country to go to her wedding. If you can not afford to buy her a gift, don't buy her a gift.
A card is always nice. You can also find really inexpensive, but nice, picture frames at places like Homegoods / Marshal's. If you're artistic you can make her something (framed invitations or invitation ornaments are always neat and inexpensive).
But yeah, no. You are never obligated to buy a gift. You're certainly not obligated to get a gift if you can't afford it. And by no means should she expect/demand one from you after all you're doing. If she does, you gotta rethink this friendship.

kinsey0628

It's true, aurianna, she did not ask us for a dress budget, she TOLD us the budget.

I like your gift ideas, thanks!  You just get a frame and frame the invite they sent you?  That does sound like it would be a nice memento for them to have.

SomethingBeautiful08

Giving just a card is not stupid, especially as a WP member.  If you have a hard time not getting any sort of gift, consider something cheap and meaningful, maybe and old photo framed or even something hand made if you are crafty/ handy? In my experience the gift is the bacholorette party, and maybe a gag gift.

BarbLovesDave

kinsey0628 said:

It's true, aurianna, she did not ask us for a dress budget, she TOLD us the budget.

I like your gift ideas, thanks!  You just get a frame and frame the invite they sent you?  That does sound like it would be a nice memento for them to have.

Sounds good to me, too. Nice But Cheap.

Here's another thing to consider. Our good friend Proper Etiquette tells us the guest has a year to give a present to the newlyweds. (Many mistake that to mean the couple have a year to write thank you notes. Wrong.)

With all the money you've spent already and your current knowledge this lady is not the most kind, considerate person you've ever known, why not just hold off on the gift until after the wedding?

Post-wedding, reconsider the situation in light of all wedding events, all demands for more money out of your pocket, etc. Do you still want to be friends with this couple? Are you ready to call it quits for good?

Wait for a few more paychecks to hit the good old bank account, then shop for a gift if you are so inclined according to your post-wedding feelings and post-wedding available funds.

You may have a real change of heart and get them something really nice.

You may be so ticked off that Zilch would be appropriate.

Tmom1134

The rule at mine was no plus one for singles. It was mainly targeted at my husbands friends who would have picked up some random chick the night before and most of our friends had plenty of people they knew to hang out with. I do agree with some of the previous posts that wedding party members especially those who are oot should get a date. This is especially true of it seems like you're the only wp without a plus one. I think it's a little inconsiderate.