Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points. Learn more
Wedding Etiquette Forum
RSVPs and Plus Ones - Help!
Howdy all, I need some advice!
I've read up and down on the etiquette for inviting guests with a plus one, and I just ran into a snag. Essentially, I didn't invite any single people with a date, unless 1. They're engaged. 2. They're living together 3. If they wouldn't know anyone at the wedding. My only other exception was the bridal party. I combed through my list, and thought I'd be good to go. Well I just received an RSVP—from one of my very close friends—and he included a plus one on his RSVP, but I didn't invite him with one! Now I know that he's been dating someone for a little while, although we live in different states now, so I have never met this girl and I don't know how serious it is. I'm a little upset that he added someone without asking me, but part of me doesn't even want to say anything, because I don't want to fight over a budget issue. There is travel involved in my wedding, so for him to come at all is a blessing.
Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: RSVPs and Plus Ones - Help!
You should have invited everyone who was dating someone with their SO, not just those living together or engaged. Those invitations would not be Plus 1s; Plus 1 is what you give someone who is truly single when they can bring whomever they want.
Since you knew your friend has been dating someone for a little while you should have invited her with him, by name. You should contact the rest of your guests who are dating someone but whose SOs you did not invite and apologize for your oversight and extend an invitation to the SOs now.
You dont get to judge how serious it is. It is rude not to include the significant others of your guests, no matter how short a time they have been dating and no matter if you have met the person or not.
I'd say let it go because
1) it's not up to YOU decide how serious. he is in a relationship, therefore he should have ALWAYS been invited with a guest
2) if he is traveling for your wedding, he is spending money to be there. give him the same respect back and let him bring her
You are only really obliged to invite married and engaged couples. I always invite same-sex couples who are living together as if married in states where same-sex marriage is not allowed.
I really hate the idea of having to parse dating and SO relationships. What business is it of mine if two people under the same roof are a "couple" or rent-sharing roommates? If they announce an engagement to the world or exchange wedding vows in front of the community, then it becomes my business. Otherwise, I don't like being the Bedroom Police.
Thus: Inviting non-married, non-engaged couples is at the discretion of the host, depending on their available space, budget, inclination, etc. You might invite one person but not their SO for the simple reason you don't particularly like the SO. That's your call, as event host. Under normal circs, you do not have that call if you don't like the spouse of a guest.
Having said that, it's good to invite dating, living-together and "serious" couples that you know are dating, living-together or "serious". You are asking for trouble if you invite Uncle Fred but not his live-in girlfriend of 15 years, especially if Girlfriend has hosted you at family parties, brought you chicken soup when sick and always remembers your birthday. Leaving Girlfriend off the invitation would be really terrible if she has been a part of your life.
A considerate host might proactively contact guests known to be single and ask "Are you seeing anyone? Please give me that person's name and address so I can add them to the guest list." Then, the girlfriend/boyfriend gets their very own official invitation and can attend without problem. That's great if you have the budget, space and other resources to host the guest of a guest.
If you don't have those resources, then you have to make hard decisions. Should you include the guest of a guest, someone you don't know and might not ever see again and exclude someone you do know and really want to invite?
Back to the OP: You're talking about the girlfriend of a close friend who will have to travel to attend your wedding. They will possibly do other things on the trip besides attend your wedding. They might visit other relatives, other friends, spend a few days in a B&B, whatever. They might be combining a trip for your wedding with other activities. Pretty normal; I've done the same many times. Why spend money for travel only to do one activity at the destination?
What this guy should have done is contact you directly, by phone, and politely asked about bringing the girlfriend. "Hi, Jane, I'm really looking forward to the Big Day. I need to tell you that I have a girlfriend who will be making the trip with me. We want to go on a fishing trip with Uncle Fred after leaving YourTown. It would be nice to bring her to the wedding with me and introduce her to The Gang, however, she is perfectly willing to stay in the hotel room with a good book should this be impossible."
This way you, the host, can offer to extend the invitation to the girlfriend or apologize and tell him that you are maxed out on venue space and that you are very sorry that you cannot invite her.
Well, if you don't want to fight with him over a budget issue, and you can manage to absorb the costs of an unintended guest- do nothing. Let her come.
I disagree with the general Knot view that any relationship = "significant other". Someone whom a person is dating for a few weeks is definitely not significant in any way, unless they actually have gotten engaged or married or moved in together. BUT- any out of state guest should, IMHO, get a plus one.
So say nothing to your friend, don't get upset with him for breaking an etiquette rule, as you were likewise guilty, and enjoy seeing him and his new lady, who may indeed turn into someone significant- which is why I think the majority of the knotties feel so passionately about their view that every "other" matters.
What they do or not do behind closed doors is not my business. I don't really care.
@misshart00,
I know you were asking BarbLovesDave, but may I answer that rhetorical question too?
NO. Unless they are under 25 and virgins, NO. If an unmarried couple is not sleeping together, then they are NOT a serious "couple".
Wait you check local marriage laws before deciding to invite someone?
So people have to be fucking in order to be considered a couple? Wow. So much for any of you gals out there saving yourselves for marriage!
I know the local marriage laws already. No need to check. Besides, here in California it was headline news the past few weeks.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
What about all those people just randomly fucking other people? Are they in serious relationships, then? That's gonna be a rude awakening for everyone who just wanted a one night stand.
Not everything is about sex all the flipping time. If fucking is the sole, main way you define your relationships and their seriousness then I think you might be in for a rude awakening too.
NB- I am not passing any judgement on fucking, one night stands, sexless relationships, etc. I just find this response entirely fricking ridiculous.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I know the local marriage laws already. No need to check. Besides, here in California it was headline news the past few weeks.
So does that mean that a couple you would have invited together a month ago is no longer invited together if they choose to not get married for whatever reason?
Honestly, I think that this is the worst thing I've EVER read on TK.
An interesting dilemma.
I know many same-sex couples. At this moment, not one of those couples has announced any wedding plans. It's still early, though.
Today I plan to have lunch with a lesbian friend who is in a legal Calif marriage license (2008) marriage. I'm going to ask her what she thinks about this. The third member of the lunch date is a straight long time married friend, and I bet she might be curious as well.
To answer your question: I know both people in all these couples and would likely invite both to any event I was planning at this moment in time. I can't think of any same-sex couple where I know one but not the other.
@NYCBruin,
Well, you're very easily offended then, aren't ya?
For everyone hollering "religion"- yeah, if you aren't having sex because of your religion, then GET MARRIED. If you are not married or engaged and you are saving yourself for marriage- then your relationship is NOT significant yet.
If you are an asexual, and you are not engaged or married- you are in a significant relationship. It's called FRIENDSHIP! Sorry, there's no etiquette rule that someone has to invite you and your platonic friend.
The homosexual argument is odd- everyone here has said that any homosexual couple who ARE LIVING TOGETHER should be treated as a social unit, regardless of fricking state laws.
If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and you do not live together,and are not engaged, - that's exactly what you have- a FRIEND.
As to my original comment, let me expand- if you are newly dating someone, and, let me repeat myself here- OVER 25 And NOT VIRGIN-if you do not feel comfortable enough with this person to have sex with them yet- it is NOT a serious relationship!