Ceremony and Vow Ideas

My parents passed away.. How should I honor them?

24

Re: My parents passed away.. How should I honor them?

  • What about flowers?

     
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What about flowers?
    We had a floral arrangement that symbolized our grandparents and FIL that had passed away prior to our ceremony.  We had no sign that stated what the flowers meant, but we knew what they meant.  I think that is the best way to do flowers.
    southernbelle0915
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    What about flowers?
    If you plan to use them in a bouquet or decoration, perfect.

    But don't place them on an empty chair or at an empty place setting.
    southernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • My father died when I was a teenager, so I'm going to be wearing a purple belt sash since it was his favorite color. My bouquet also will be comprised of different colored roses (not crazy colors- subtle shades), including purple.  I'm also tying my parents' wedding bands (Mom stopped wearing her's years ago and gave it to me) into my bouquet. 
  • My fiance lost his father when he was very young, he is one of 5 boys that are all our groomsman. It was important to memorate his father in a way but he didn't want to have a photo hanging, or reserve his seat, or anything that will make him sad. The whole family never really grieved his death probably, we found an old photo of his father where he is wearing red chuck taylors, all the brothers love this picture so we decided that my soon to be husband and all of his brothers will proudly wear red chucks. Something that is special to them and really won't create a sadden mood during the event. Best of luck to you in your wedding and I hope this helps!

    AcrophobicPixie
  • I just officiated a ceremony and was asked to include in the opening remarks, "We'd also like to acknowledge those who couldn't be here today, as they are certainly missed, but not forgotten. Especially [groom's grandparents], who would be so proud to see [groom] standing here with his beautiful bride, as well as [bride's grandparents], who would love to have been a part of this special day."

    Yes, it made people cry. But every one of the immediate family thanked me at some point that night for including their loved ones in the ceremony. Just my two cents.
    jocann618jenniferursKaty and Desi
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with placing flowers on a chair.  My father died a decade ago and it took me so long to get married so I wish he was here..I will place a single white rose on an empty chair and have an old blue shirt he had to be sewn in to my dress for my "something blue." 

    I don't think there is anything wrong with that--in fact it is quite a beautiful way to remember our loved ones who have passed on.  
  • I was at a wedding where the bride and groom created a photo memorial board to honor the family members they had lost over the years. They placed it near the guest book. I thought it was a tasteful but happy way to remember.
    I lost my father 7 years ago, I plan on wearing his wedding band on a ribbon around my ankle so I have a piece of him with me. I'll also play music he enjoyed. This is my way of remembering.
  • My dad passed away 3 years ago, I asked my mom to walk me down the isle and bought a locket as my something new and have place a photo of him in it. I have also asked nicely that no one mention the father daughter dance or other traditions which will make me sad. He'll be with me thats all that matters.
  • My betrothed and I have waited for more than a dozen years for the opportunity to be legally married. Many times as our parents aged, we considered having some sort of commitment ceremony that could include them. However, what we really wanted to be able to do was actually marry. Now we can. Unfortunately, in the interim, all four of our parents have died. They had marriages that lasted over 50 and 60 years. We have chosen to honor them with a short passage we found in a book about wedding vows. It was meant to be read as a tribute to living parents, present at the wedding. However we plan to read this before saying our vows, as a tribute to them even though they are not able to be present. Yes, my brother may cry, my partner's brother may cry, as each of them are standing in for our Dads. Our sisters may cry, too; there is nothing wrong with a few tears shed at a wedding. it happens all the time. We also plan to have one wedding photo of each of our sets of parents displayed somewhere to recognize the joy of their occasions that we are now also able to enjoy.

    1: Before we say our vows, we want to thank our parents for all that they have done for us.

    2:We learned how to love because we were raised in loving homes.

    1: We feel secure and confident in our love because our parents allowed us to be independent. They are the wind beneath our wings.

    2: They have shown us, by example, what a happy marriage can be.

    Both together: Thanks Mom and Dad.


    Shopgrl512MDoninPrettyGirlLost
  • Nibblina said:
    Personally, I am offended by the people here that are saying what should NOT be done and calling others' opinions rude. While I do believe that a wedding should be a joyous event, I also believe that it is personal for the family. How one bride chooses to remember and honor her loved ones should be her own decision. I think the most important thing is to discuss what you plan to do with the immediate family (spouses, children, etc...) of the deceased so that they can be prepared. Also, you might want to have extra packs of tissues available, just in case. I am considering the following memorials to my father, who passed two years ago: tying his ring and a picture of him to my bouquet, placing a short note in the program to honor him, and having a memorial table with candles to light for him and other loved ones. Doing this is bittersweet, in my opinion. His death may evoke grief but the memory of his life brings me happiness. After all, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be who I was today.

    I couldn't agree more. How dare a person tell someone else how to remember their loved ones as if it's criminal to even do so! Let me remind you that before a loved one died they LIVED! And if a bride wants to be reminded of the beautiful memories they have of a deceased loved ones life on her special day then why shouldn't she? You don't just forget people once they've died, sweep their memories under a rug because it might make other people feel uncomfortable. If all you can think about when a dead person's name is mentioned is how morbid it must be to be dead then I just feel sorry for you. I remember my dead loved ones for the wonderful people they were when they were alive.
    Shopgrl512jenniferurs
  • Nibblina said:
    Personally, I am offended by the people here that are saying what should NOT be done and calling others' opinions rude. While I do believe that a wedding should be a joyous event, I also believe that it is personal for the family. How one bride chooses to remember and honor her loved ones should be her own decision. I think the most important thing is to discuss what you plan to do with the immediate family (spouses, children, etc...) of the deceased so that they can be prepared. Also, you might want to have extra packs of tissues available, just in case. I am considering the following memorials to my father, who passed two years ago: tying his ring and a picture of him to my bouquet, placing a short note in the program to honor him, and having a memorial table with candles to light for him and other loved ones. Doing this is bittersweet, in my opinion. His death may evoke grief but the memory of his life brings me happiness. After all, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be who I was today.


    Agreed.

     

    I can't believe some people are so arrogant as to suggest that they are the authority on what is and is not an appropriate way to honor the deceased at a wedding. Weddings are unique to those that are in them and should not be dictated by any other. I was deeply touched by ALL of the ideas in this thread; both those deemed worthy and those deemed unworthy of inclusion. Whoever it was that was going to gift the cake pops with a note concerning the donation, I did not view that to be an attempt at bragging, nor would I view it as offensive if my "needs" were perceivably placed below those of the deceased. To suggest otherwise is an awfully strange reaction, in my opinion, and indicative of someone who is incredibly self-centered. Then again, that's not a surprising character trait for someone who thinks that their way of hosting a wedding is the only way. Bottom line? It's your day and you should do as you please.

     

    My dad passed away 11 months ago and I'll be doing a few things. I'll be carrying a bouquet charm my maids of honor had made for me that has a picture of us on one side and "With me today and always" inscribed on the other; I'll be taking a piece of his surgical scrubs and having it sewn into my dress; there will be a brief mention in the program of those who are no longer with us; and I'll be showing a slideshow during the father/daughter dance, set to the song that I had always planned to dance to with him.

    AcrophobicPixiejocann618emerald2013
  • edited September 2013

    My FI's parents both passed many years ago. We were thinking of doing a slideshow of photos of us as kids until now, mixing in some with parents and siblings, etc. We thought this would be a nice way to include his parents in the wedding without bringing anyone down.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Shopgrl512
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    No one here said that the ideas were rude.  If so, please find that language for me in any of the PP.  The posters who have disagreed with certain ideas explained why overt memorials should not be done. 

    A wedding is supposed to be a time of happiness.  Yes, tears can be shed, but they should be tears of joy!  Not tears from sadness over a deceased relative not being present. 

    As I mentioned in my PPs that sublty is the way to go when honoring a loved one.  Seeing a picture or a flower sitting on a chair where the loved one should be sitting can be very overwhelming for anyone, not just the B&G or their immediate families.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • My stepdad passed away shortly before my sister's wedding. Off to the side of the entrance, she had a memorial table with candles she embossed pictures of parents/grandparents both she and her husband had lost. In addition, since he was cremated, my mom had a small part of his ashes put in a pendant. That was pinned to the top layer of my sister's petticoat, that way both of her dad's walked her down the aisle, without being big and flashy about it. Only close family knew. My other sister and I both have plans to do the same at our weddings.
  • No one here said that the ideas were rude.  If so, please find that language for me in any of the PP.  The posters who have disagreed with certain ideas explained why overt memorials should not be done. 

    A wedding is supposed to be a time of happiness.  Yes, tears can be shed, but they should be tears of joy!  Not tears from sadness over a deceased relative not being present. 

    As I mentioned in my PPs that sublty is the way to go when honoring a loved one.  Seeing a picture or a flower sitting on a chair where the loved one should be sitting can be very overwhelming for anyone, not just the B&G or their immediate families.


    And if it's overwhelming for someone else, so be it. They'll be overwhelmed for the minute or so that they pass the empty chair and then hopefully move on with their night. To me, a bride or groom honoring someone the way they feel most comfortable is worth a moment or two of discomfort. It's their day, after all.

    According to your rules, a picture is inappropriate, which means a slideshow would be a national tragedy of sorts. But my father was just as deserving of a father/daughter dance on my wedding day as any other father around the world and his passing makes him no less deserving of one. That said, I'm not going to play a song with nobody dancing and no kind of visual stimulation, so a slideshow seems like an appropriate way to fill the void. And if anyone were going to cry over the slideshow, it'd be me, so if I can handle it, everyone else can. It's 3 minutes out of a 5 1/2 hour day and if it's something I feel I need to do in order to be at peace with not having my dad here, then people should be more than willing to endure the 3 minutes of sadness.

    I've cried at weddings before over sad things, as well as happy, but the sad moment comes and goes and everyone continues on with their night. If a flower on an empty chair is going to ruin someone's entire experience, then the problem lies with the guest and not the host.

    gimbalijocann618aiochoa86emerald2013
  • My dad passed away suddenly a year ago. I'm taking a note I found that he gave me a long time ago that has a message that could pertain to my big day. I had it embroidered on one of his shirts I always remember him wearing and I"m having it sewn into the inside of my dress. publicly, I'm including special items that remind me of him. I didn't think i could handle photos of him. I'm sorry for your loss 
  • I don't personally think there is anything wrong with announcing that you are making a donation to a cause that means something to you or to your family, a friend of mine did it at her wedding a couple years ago and I loved it. My mom died of melanoma when I was 18, so for my wedding, I am giving away sunscreen samples as my favour in her honour. I am also going to wrap a locket of my mother's around my bouquet. That was my florist's idea, and I love it!! I wouldn't judge anyone's wedding. Even if I don't like/agree with it, it's not my wedding, so who am I to judge?!!!
    jenniferursMDonin
  • Who is Jen4948...a wedding planner??? LOL 

    I am doing a donation along with other treats for my guests, one for a deceased family member and one for someone fighting an illness. And I have been to weddings were there were donations and I have NEVER felt obligated to donate...thats ridiculous.

    Everyone should honor their deceased members however feels right in there heart..for people on here to say its wrong, is horrible.

    Remember: those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!!
    jenniferursKaty and Desi
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    No one here said that the ideas were rude.  If so, please find that language for me in any of the PP.  The posters who have disagreed with certain ideas explained why overt memorials should not be done. 

    A wedding is supposed to be a time of happiness.  Yes, tears can be shed, but they should be tears of joy!  Not tears from sadness over a deceased relative not being present. 

    As I mentioned in my PPs that sublty is the way to go when honoring a loved one.  Seeing a picture or a flower sitting on a chair where the loved one should be sitting can be very overwhelming for anyone, not just the B&G or their immediate families.


    And if it's overwhelming for someone else, so be it. They'll be overwhelmed for the minute or so that they pass the empty chair and then hopefully move on with their night. To me, a bride or groom honoring someone the way they feel most comfortable is worth a moment or two of discomfort. It's their day, after all.

    According to your rules, a picture is inappropriate, which means a slideshow would be a national tragedy of sorts. But my father was just as deserving of a father/daughter dance on my wedding day as any other father around the world and his passing makes him no less deserving of one. That said, I'm not going to play a song with nobody dancing and no kind of visual stimulation, so a slideshow seems like an appropriate way to fill the void. And if anyone were going to cry over the slideshow, it'd be me, so if I can handle it, everyone else can. It's 3 minutes out of a 5 1/2 hour day and if it's something I feel I need to do in order to be at peace with not having my dad here, then people should be more than willing to endure the 3 minutes of sadness.

    I've cried at weddings before over sad things, as well as happy, but the sad moment comes and goes and everyone continues on with their night. If a flower on an empty chair is going to ruin someone's entire experience, then the problem lies with the guest and not the host.

    I never said a picture is inappropriate.  I think that a picture, with a plaque and a memorial candle at a wedding is inappropriate.  We had my ILs wedding picture on display along with our grandparents wedding pictures on display.  That was not a memorial to the deceased, just a tribute to all the happy marriages in our families.

    To the bolded: when you decide to invite other people to your wedding, its stops being about just the B&G.  You should be considerate to all of your guests comforts and feelings.  Can you please everyone, no. But you should be considerate to the majority of your guests and think about them as well, not just yourself.

    Do you know what my H suggested to me for acknowledging his dad not being at the wedding, visiting him at the cermetary.  We went a few days before the wedding.  It was just the two of us and we sat with his dad for a bit.  It was very tough and emotional for me and my H, and I had not even met my FIL - he passed before I even knew my H.  Weddings are already a very emotional event, add in overt memorials, and I think it can be too much for many people.  

    PrettyGirlLost
  • RubyH91RubyH91 member
    First Comment
    edited September 2013
  • Oh come on OliveOilsMom, stop being immature. What is right for you is not right for everyone. Personally a memorial table, as you put it, would not have me balling in tears all over the dance floor. And I really dont think its going to have that affect on anyone else. If it does then it would be the minority. Because for goodness sake I don't think that the majority of people at a wedding would find it insensitive or tactless for a couple to remember their own parents on their wedding day!
    Shopgrl512jenniferurs
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    gimbali said:
    Oh come on OliveOilsMom, stop being immature. What is right for you is not right for everyone. Personally a memorial table, as you put it, would not have me balling in tears all over the dance floor. And I really dont think its going to have that affect on anyone else. If it does then it would be the minority. Because for goodness sake I don't think that the majority of people at a wedding would find it insensitive or tactless for a couple to remember their own parents on their wedding day!
    Now that's an interesting mental image.



    NYCMercedesPyrialle
  • I'm sorry for your loss, and think it's beautiful that you'd like to honor your parents in some way at the wedding! I was in a wedding a few years ago with a bride whose mother had passed away. Her bouquet was made up of red roses, with a single white rose in the center. I thought it was beautiful. As others have mentioned, I've also seen picture tables with those who have passed, or names in the program. If you would prefer something more subtle, I've known brides who pinned a small something (usually a piece of clothing or jewelry) inside of the top of their wedding dress, over their heart. Alternatively, I've seen people who incorporate a memento into the bouquet (ie a brooch pinned to the stems or incorporated in the bouquet, a piece of clothing used to wrap the bouquet, a piece of jewelry or rosary wrapped around the bouquet, etc.). I think my personal favorite is a short quote or saying that your loved ones were fond of, or that reminds you of your loved ones, written onto a sash that is wrapped around the bouquet. 

    I hope this helps! Whatever you decide, do what is going to make you feel close to them on your special day, and what will make you smile in their absence. :)
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You don't gt it, @gimbali. A wedding is a joyous occasion. Whatever you want to do privately is certainly up to you. The public display of funeral objects may be too upsetting for others. Why would you risk upsetting your guests?
  • @Vicshoweveryouspellit people make mistakes, get over it. @NYCMercedes a wedding IS a joyous occasion, who would argue with that? no one here is suggestng to completely change the focus of their wedding are they? But you don't get that it makes some people happy to remember the lives of their loved ones and to have their presence acknowledged at a wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom would inform those guests who were close to the deceased person beforehand, its not they are going to surprise everyone with some morbid tribute are they? And to everyone else I really do not think that it's going to be a big deal to them. I honestly think anyone who would be so upset as to have the entire wedding ruined for them because of a minute or two of silence or a lit candle is overreacting. But then that's just me.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    gimbali said:
    @Vicshoweveryouspellit people make mistakes, get over it. @NYCMercedes a wedding IS a joyous occasion, who would argue with that? no one here is suggestng to completely change the focus of their wedding are they? But you don't get that it makes some people happy to remember the lives of their loved ones and to have their presence acknowledged at a wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom would inform those guests who were close to the deceased person beforehand, its not they are going to surprise everyone with some morbid tribute are they? And to everyone else I really do not think that it's going to be a big deal to them. I honestly think anyone who would be so upset as to have the entire wedding ruined for them because of a minute or two of silence or a lit candle is overreacting. But then that's just me.
    Get over what?  Finding that mental image amusing?  No, thank you.



  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    When I see a death memorial at a wedding, I think that the bride and groom are reminding me to not enjoy the occasion too much ("look! my mom's dead!", and to not have too much fun. It makes it somber, even if only briefly.

    That is what PPs are concerned about: your guests!



    Anniversary
    image

    image
  • Viczaesar said:
    gimbali said:
    @Vicshoweveryouspellit people make mistakes, get over it. @NYCMercedes a wedding IS a joyous occasion, who would argue with that? no one here is suggestng to completely change the focus of their wedding are they? But you don't get that it makes some people happy to remember the lives of their loved ones and to have their presence acknowledged at a wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom would inform those guests who were close to the deceased person beforehand, its not they are going to surprise everyone with some morbid tribute are they? And to everyone else I really do not think that it's going to be a big deal to them. I honestly think anyone who would be so upset as to have the entire wedding ruined for them because of a minute or two of silence or a lit candle is overreacting. But then that's just me.
    Get over what?  Finding that mental image amusing?  No, thank you.

    Well it was supposed to be amusing because it's absolutely ridiculous and it's not going to happen so mission accomplished. Glad you got a laugh out of it.
    I don't know what it is with some people, why they have to see it that way. When I see a memorial table at any event, I think more of "I remember that amazing person too, how kind they were to me and how they always made me feel welcome at their home. I wish they were here to celebrate this occasion with us in person but I know they're here in spirit" I think it's the same sentiment with my family and everyone I know but I guess it's a culture thing. Maybe Americans are just pessimistic that way or very negative? I'm not sure. Maybe someone could enlighten us.
    Shopgrl512
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