How to tell someone they're not invited??

Jen4948

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family.

Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

Pepper6

OP, to answer your original question, yes, I would have a quick chat with your birth mother about your plans.  Something along the lines of "I'm glad you are excited for our wedding, but we intended this to be an elopement and we will not be accommodating any of your family.  Please correct their assumption that they are invited." If any of them mention anything further to you directly though, you can basically state the same thing.

Now for the hosting bit of it...I could reasonably see you getting away without doing formal invitations since it's such a small amount, and they basically volunteered to come, not that you were actually planning to "invite" them.  However, since you are allowing them to attend your wedding (the ceremony in which you get married = wedding), you really should host a little something for them afterwards, even if it's just cake & punch in your hotel room.  For 10 people, you can do that for less than $50.  Even if you don't think of it as hosting a traditional wedding, it'll still be nice to have a little time to celebrate with them directly afterwards and any 'party' needs munchies.

wrigleyville

While I might be okay with it to your face, I'd be a bit peeved that I'm going to fork over vacation time, a plane ticket, and hotel costs and you can't even spring for In-N-Out afterward. (One bride did that, and it looked like a blast.)

If you can't afford $50-75 in burgers and soda, how are you affording a Vegas vacation? I'd seriously question why you can't afford to buy a couple of large pizzas when you're about to spend hundreds of dollars on travel and ceremony costs. It is so easy to feed eight people for under $50 in Vegas. You are being incredibly rude to your family.

Come to the Vegas board for ideas. No joke. It's a great board with a TON of ideas for cheap receptions.

lauralee1723

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

lauralee1723

Jen4948 said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family.

Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

Jen4948 said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family.

Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

Yet you don't want him there?

When did I say I didn't want my father there???? And I never said I didn't want my birth mother's family there because I didn't want to pay to feed them, I said I didn't want them there because I'm not close to them and I don't want to waste my vacation feeling obligated to hang out with them. And the people who are getting flights and hotels and taking vacation time are doing so of their own will, I never told them hey come to Vegas for our wedding and we'll take care of everything! I said hey we're going to Vegas for our wedding, and they said we want to come! Very different thing!!

lauralee1723

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

How nice of your father to pay for everything.  It's too bad you couldn't use the money you're saving on flights and hotels to pay for people's food.

 

Oh wait...

We have $500. That's it. That's going to be enough to pay for the chapel we want and pictures. Nothing more. We might even have to borrow a little bit more from my parents to pay for that. If no one was going with us, we would use all of that money getting there and staying in a hotel, and doing the cheapest package possible. So, no, we do not have any extra money. You don't know our financial situation or our circumstances so please don't act as if you do.

Jen4948

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

So let me get this straight: He's paying for your flight and hotel, but you won't put out so much as a penny for him?

You really are digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself here.  Stop trying to defend your decisions and start thinking about others' needs and feelings, and you might not feel like patting yourself on the back anymore.  And yes, we are going to judge you.  Posting on the Internet anywhere, or even just opening your mouth, invites judgment.

NYCBruin

Oh good lord. So you do want these people there. And you aren't willing to spend less than $100 to thank them for sharing your special day with you. Wow.

lauralee1723

Jen4948 said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

So let me get this straight: He's paying for your flight and hotel, but you won't put out so much as a penny for him?

You really are digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself here.  Stop trying to defend your decisions and start thinking about others' needs and feelings, and you might not feel like patting yourself on the back anymore.  And yes, we are going to judge you.  Posting on the Internet anywhere, or even just opening your mouth, invites judgment.

My father doesn't expect anything like that from me, he's doing it because he wants to. That's what fathers do.

Jen4948

lauralee1723 said:

Jen4948 said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

I didn't invite them. I said, Hey Mom and Dad, we decided we're getting married in Vegas! And they said, well we want to be there! So I said, OK! Same story with my best friend and my fiance's best friend and dad. You want me to tell them, nope, sorry, you can't come because the Knot community has required me to feed you afterwards?

Actually you would have to tell them it's because you don't want to feed them.

Actually everybody we've talked to about our plans has understood from the get-go that we are probably going to eat afterwards but that we can't afford to pay for everyone so to plan appropriately. I guess we're just really lucky to have such understanding friends and family. Yeah, you are lucky, because if you can't afford to pay for everyone, how can you even afford to go out of town?  The airline reservations and hotel rooms for yourself and your FI cost more than it would cost to feed them.  Why should anyone be "understanding" that you want to jerk them around?

My father is paying for our flight and hotel, but thank you for judging.

So let me get this straight: He's paying for your flight and hotel, but you won't put out so much as a penny for him?

You really are digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself here.  Stop trying to defend your decisions and start thinking about others' needs and feelings, and you might not feel like patting yourself on the back anymore.  And yes, we are going to judge you.  Posting on the Internet anywhere, or even just opening your mouth, invites judgment.

My father doesn't expect anything like that from me, he's doing it because he wants to. That's what fathers do.

Sorry, but that doesn't justify in any way what you're doing and makes you sound very entitled.

lauralee1723

NYCBruin said:

Oh good lord. So you do want these people there. And you aren't willing to spend less than $100 to thank them for sharing your special day with you. Wow.

I do want what people there? The people I'm talking about in my original post, no I do NOT want them there, that was the point of the original post.

lauralee1723

Sylvia Weis said:

She could save up for it but I guess that's not an option either?

As I said before, you do not know our financial situations, our job situations, why we have so little in savings, our circumstances, nothing.

lauralee1723

Sylvia Weis said:

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

She could save up for it but I guess that's not an option either?

As I said before, you do not know our financial situations, our job situations, why we have so little in savings, our circumstances, nothing.

Then maybe you shouldn't be going to Vegas.  Why can't you wait until you're more financially secure?

Why is that any of your business? My original question and reason for posting to this board had nothing to do with my financial situation or reception plans.

Jen4948

lauralee1723 said:

Sylvia Weis said:

She could save up for it but I guess that's not an option either?

As I said before, you do not know our financial situations, our job situations, why we have so little in savings, our circumstances, nothing.

What is there to know?  You want to take an unaffordable trip to Vegas at your daddy's expense and have 10 people come along that you don't want to feed.  That screams "entitled 'zilla."  You yourself said this, so we made judgments based on exactly what you want us to know.

If you want not to be judged, start thinking about what you're saying about yourself says to other people and stop expecting everyone to give you a kiss on the top of your head with a little smile.  Being a bride doesn't allow you to get away with bad behavior and "it's all about me" attitudes.  You're acting like a selfish, entitled jerk here.

southernbelle0915

Lauralee - people are just trying to help you not break a ton of etiquette rules - even if you don like the way it's being said, the message is correct.

If you have $500, I am going to suggest an alternate plan that will not break any etiquette rules, you'll be proper hosts and not have to ask your dad for money or have him foot any of your travel bills:

Have a JOP wedding. Invite the family you want to witness the wedding and then host a backyard BBQ. I have no doubt you could throw a bomb ass party for 10-15 people with $500.

If you decide to move forward with your current plan (knowing full well the etiquette breaches you're making), it would be very rude of you. There are tons of other options and I'd urge you to consider them.

zitiqueen

So what you're saying, Daddy's Little Princess, is that my wedding in Las Vegas wasn't a real wedding because it took place in Las Vegas?

kinsey0628

Being short on funds is never an excuse to break etiquette.

If your funds don't allow for you to host or do certain things that etiquette requires for your guests, then you need to re-think either the guest list or the entire event/situation.

NYCBruin

lauralee1723 said:

NYCBruin said:

Oh good lord. So you do want these people there. And you aren't willing to spend less than $100 to thank them for sharing your special day with you. Wow.

I do want what people there? The people I'm talking about in my original post, no I do NOT want them there, that was the point of the original post.

But you do want the 10 or so people there.  So host them properly.  If you don't want them there (these ten people), then tell them that you want to elope privately.

As far as your financial constraints.  A smaller budget is never an excuse to be rude.  It's not that you don't have the money to host properly, it's that you'd rather spend that money on things for yourself than be a gracious host.  You could easily properly host 10 people with $500, you're just choosing to spend your money on other things.

libby2483

I am baffled that you have guests who are traveling to your wedding AND paying for your travel expenses, but you won't pony up the cash for cheeseburgers.  

[Deleted User]

When is your wedding? Is there any way you can save even ten to twenty bucks a month?

KDM323

Honestly, if you have less than $500 as a soon to be married couple...I'd suggest that you get married at your local JOP, have a very MINIMAL reception of cake/punch for only the most necessary folks (your parents and very best friends if they come with you) and keep that money in a savings account.

RebeccaB88

If you really want the wedding to be just the two of you, yourselves, alone, for whatever reasons, then you need to ovary up and tell people that. Then you aren't responsible for hosting them after. You don't have to tell them you can't feed them. Just say you really want it to be private and don't go into anything else.

If you're ok with just your  parents attending, that's fine, tell them that, and then grab pizza or a cheap buffet (there are tons of coupons available online for restaurants) or stop at a bakery for cupcakes together afterwards. Tell everyone else it's private and only your parents will be there.

I get what you're trying to do. You just have to be the one to say it.

Pepper6

It looks like you have a few options that should give you the wedding you want, plus be mindful of etiquette:

1.  Have your wedding in Vegas as planned, including minimal guests (but telling your birth mother's family that it's a private wedding and they are not invited).  Find some way to put in your own $50 to buy a few bottles of sparkling cider/punch/champagne/whatever and a cake.  Invite everyone up to your hotel room, have some cake, and thank them for taking the time/money to celebrate with you. (If you honestly cannot come up with $50 to do this, you should probably reconsider going to Vegas.  That's not meant to be a snarky or judgmental comment, but Vegas can be an expensive city, so if you don't have any wiggle room in your budget, you might run into issues, even non-wedding related ones there.)

2.  Have your wedding in Vegas, but make it truly an elopement with just the two of you that way you don't need to be concerned about hosting anything at all, even just cake & punch.  However, it seems pretty inappropriate to accept money from your parents to pay for your trip to Vegas if you plan to go this route, so it's not my favorite option.

3.  Skip Vegas and do a local wedding at the courthouse.  I've seen very beautiful courthouse weddings, so don't discount this as an option.  This also saves everyone involved money since they don't need to pay for their travel, but it also frees up some of your budget in order to host a small reception...even that $50 for cake and punch.

Basically, the point is that it is extremely rude to not host anything for the people who took time out of their day to witness your marriage.  It does not need to be extravagant, but it needs to be something to say thank you.  

I know this is not what you expected to hear when you posted this, but this is an etiquette board, so if we see you are doing something impolite, we try to offer solutions.  Please do not discount the advice on here just because you did not ask for it.  It's really a simple/cheap fix and your friends and family that are making the trip with you will appreciate it.

[Deleted User]

I just reread and saw that your plan is to go to Vegas in 2014. Dude, that's 8 months from now. If you are so financially destitute that you can't save $10-20 a month to buy your family and friends some burgers, you have bigger problems and shouldn't be going to Vegas to begin with. Have you saved some money to cover the rest of your incidental costs? You say you have $500 to cover the chapel and pictures, but you may not have enough and may need to borrow additional money from your parents to even cover that.

If you're going to be there for four days, who's going to pay for the rest of your food? Are you planning on doing any sightseeing? See a show? Are you going to do any gambling? (not what I would recommend if you don't have enough money to even pay for your venue and pictures).

banana468

If the same person flagging all the posts that do not break any rules is the same one insisting that there's no way to save money in 8 months then I fear we're dealing with a major comprehension issue.

courtski2004

Regarding your actual question, it should be really easy to tell your birthmother that you will not be extending invitations (written or verbal) to her extended family and to please stop talking about any wedding plans. You can give more info if you'd like, but it isn't necessary.

I just don't understand not wanting to treat those that are coming to witness your vows to something, anything, following the ceremony. Cupcakes and punch, a Costco deli tray, something.

And out of curiosity--prior to your decision to tell your family/friends about your plans to go to Vegas to get married, and their subsequent decision to tag along, who was paying for your trip then?  Because if you were planning to foot that bill, then you could potentially use a smidge of that money to go toward a little something for your guests after your ceremony.

Ajuliana

@Lauralee you can't flag comments just because you don't like them. Not cool, which is why YOU can be kicked off the forums for it.

MayDay513

@StageManager14 - That's great detective work!

s-aries8990

Oy yoy yoy. I agree with the posters who suggested you put off the wedding a few months, or at least until you can afford to host something for those you are inviting. It's very inconsiderate to ask your guests to take off time (spend money), to fly out to Vegas (spend money), to get a hotel room (spend money) and probably a rental car (spend money) to watch you and FI get married, but not have the decency to have a cake and some soda for them. Do you know what I'm saying?

And to the comment "That's what fathers do" - I think that it is wonderful that your father is offering to pay for your airfare, but I think it is an entitled attitude to not try and show your appreciation by hosting the event properly (meaning, with some sort of reception with light refreshments).

I think that you should print up some paper invitations . Get some stationary from Staples and print them out there. It will help to draw a harder line with your birth mom. Give her the invite and have the conversation with her.

I do, however, have reservations about a couple who is destitute, but entering marriage. I know this is completely a personal opinion, but I think that you need to be able to have your wedding paid for outright by the time it takes place, whether by the generous "donations" of parents or by yourself. Going into debt for your wedding (not just putting stuff on your CC that you could pay off completely immediately if necessary w/o breaking the bank ) is a poor financial move and a not so great way to start off a marriage.

Please just rethink it before you go balls to the wall.

[Deleted User]

@StageManager14 Thank you for the heads up! I'll reach out to the user.