How to word my invitations to small ceremony and dinner to follow??

tinkerbell464

My fiancé and I are trying to do a wedding with in our budget. We both do no want a large wedding reception because it's all adding up to be too much. So we plan on doing a nice beach ceremony and dinner at a restaurant to follow. HOWEVER, I have a lot of out of state family that I would like to extend the invitation to, if they would like to come. I don't want them to feel obligated to spend their money on travel fare for something that is small, but I don't want to dis-include them if they would want to come no matter how big or small. We will be paying for the dinner and there will be a cake. If people would like to order an alcoholic beverage, they may do so as cash bar. With all that being said, I'm having a hard time thinking of how to word my invitations.

manateehugger

tinkerbell464 said:

My fiancé and I are trying to do a wedding with in our budget. We both do no want a large wedding reception because it's all adding up to be too much. So we plan on doing a nice beach ceremony and dinner at a restaurant to follow. HOWEVER, I have a lot of out of state family that I would like to extend the invitation to, if they would like to come. I don't want them to feel obligated to spend their money on travel fare for something that is small, but I don't want to dis-include them if they would want to come no matter how big or small. We will be paying for the dinner and there will be a cake. If people would like to order an alcoholic beverage, they may do so as cash bar. With all that being said, I'm having a hard time thinking of how to word my invitations.

A couple things:

1. I'm a little confused. Are you formally inviting your family but just don't want them to feel obligated to come? In that case, just word your invitation as normal. Invitations aren't subpeonas. People can decline attending if they don't want to spend the time and money to attend. You are planning on feeding every attendee, right?

2. Please, PLEASE, re-think the cash bar. Cash bars are considered very poor etiqutte because you're requiring your guests to pay for part of your own wedding. I'd explore hosting limited alcohol or even no alcohol as alternatives. Just wine and beer can be very affordable.

monkeysip

I'm not understanding what's different about your wedding.

Is everyone invited to the ceremony and dinner (which is your reception)?

If so, then invite everyone like a normal wedding.  Just because it's small doesn't mean they won't want to come.  People who want to pay travel costs do so because they care about you and want to see you get married.  As long as you're hosting them properly (and you are, with dinner), then it's fine.  

If not, then we need to understand exactly who is invited to what.  It is fine to have a private ceremony and large reception as long as the ceremony is truly private (JUST immediate family).  

Also, do you have a separate part of the restaurant set up for your reception?  If your reception is in a separate room, and guests would have to leave the room to go to the restaurant's bar to get alcohol, then that is fine because it's their choice, and you can't stop them.  However, it is very rude to have a cash bar set up in the room.  In that case, only have available what is hosted.

manateehugger

@monkeysip, I always drool over your veil when I see your sig. It's just stunning!

southernbelle0915

Invite the number of people you can afford to host properly. Proper hosting means some type of "thank you" for attending your ceremony (your reception), our guests don't open their wallets, you have a meal if it's meal time, and they have a place to sit. That's pretty much it.

If you can't afford to properly host these people, you don't invite them. You have to plan for 100% attendance even if you don't expect them to come. We had a lot of "probably not's" who are coming. 

For your situation, I would recommend a 2:00pm wedding and ending your reception at 5:00pm - that way it doesn't fall during meal time and you can host cake and punch and a couple of snacks if you want (think Costco - very cheap). Then you've properly hosted your guests and let people know "we're going *here* for dinner, let us know if you want to join" and you don't have to host them at all because you already did.

monkeysip

@ PDKH 

Thank you!  A woman on etsy made it!

tinkerbell464

I would still want to let them know there is no big reception to follow just dinner and dessert. That was the part I wasn't sure how to word. Everyone is invited to both ceremony and dinner. The dinner "reception" is in a private room. The bar would be in a totally different area of the restaurant. I might consider providing beer and wine, but I don't want to pay for a large liquor bill.

monkeysip

Ok that clears it up.

As long as the "cash bar" is not in your room, and isn't really yours (you can't control the restaurant's bar), then it's ok.  It would be nice to host alcohol in your room (beer/wine would be fine), but it's not required.  You can put on little menus what IS hosted.

As for your reception, it is still a TRUE reception.  You don't need dancing/dj/etc. to make a reception.  A nice restaurant dinner and dessert still sounds lovely, and I'm sure guests would still like to come.

Just word your invitation normally with ceremony information, then you could say on a reception card insert "Please join us for dinner and dessert at X restaurant, 7 o' clock in the evening" or however you want.

radleyboo

We did exactly this.  Small wedding, 50 people, ceremony and dinner reception at a restaurant, beer and wine hosted, cupcakes for dessert.  No dancing, garter/bouquet toss, simple.

Our invitations read:

My Name and H's Name

are delighted to invite you to celebrate 

the beginning of their new lives together.

Date/Time/Location

Dinner reception to immediately follow.

Please, do not have a cash bar.  If you can't afford alcohol, don't sweat it.  Serve coffee, tea, lemonade, water, soft drinks.  You'll be fine.  

Jen4948

You don't have to provide any alcohol at all, but beer and wine sounds fine.  But, anything whatsoever you provide has to be 100% at your expense without passing any costs on to your guests.  So, no cash bar.

Aside from that, use normal wording.  There is no need to describe whether your reception is dry or not, has dancing or not, has dinner or snacks or not.   If you are hosting a reception at a time of day where meals are normally served, though, you do need to serve enough food (again, at your expense) to constitute a meal.

SomethingBeautiful08

OP Are big, "dance all night" receptions common in your circles and that is why you are concerned? If you aren't using a reception card, I would just put "Reception to follow at X resturant" listing the address particularly if it is in a different town as the ceramony or if there are muliple of the same restrants in the same town or close.  If you do plan on using a reception card something along the lines of "please join us for dinner and cake at X  in Y address."

D3bride

OP - I'd agree with PPs that you can word the invitation normally. If you're concerned, maybe drop a facebook message or phone call to anyone you're close with and let them know you won't be offended if anyone can't make it and you'll celebrate with them whenever you do see them - nothing formal needs to be said.

I'm having a slightly different approach - we are having a really small ceremony and meal (like, ten people) and then inviting everyone later for the party, with finger food rather than a sit-down meal. We are TOTALLY having a cash bar. I live in Ireland; you serve a couple of drinks at the reception and one for the toast, along with wine for the meal, but no one does open bars outside of that. I'm always amused by how scandalised the rest of the world seems by this.

crunchymamaof2

CMGr said:

It is considered bad etiquette to describe the food and entertainment on an invitation and reception card.  A reception is simply the part of the wedding where the bride and groom (and hosts) greet their guests and offer them food and drink.  (Cake and punch satisfies this, but if it is a meal time, you should serve a meal, too.)  All the traditions like bouquet tossing, dancing, cake cutting ceremony, etc. are completely optional.  We didn't do them at my own wedding.
The wording of a reception card is very standardized:

Reception
time
Venue
Address
City, State

I've never heard this....what's the reasoning?

Jen4948

acove2006 said:

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CMGr said:

It is considered bad etiquette to describe the food and entertainment on an invitation and reception card.  A reception is simply the part of the wedding where the bride and groom (and hosts) greet their guests and offer them food and drink.  (Cake and punch satisfies this, but if it is a meal time, you should serve a meal, too.)  All the traditions like bouquet tossing, dancing, cake cutting ceremony, etc. are completely optional.  We didn't do them at my own wedding.
The wording of a reception card is very standardized:

Reception
time
Venue
Address
City, State

I've never heard this....what's the reasoning?

Because guests are supposed to accept or decline the hospitality of the hosts without being manipulative.  Putting too much information out there, like that there will be dancing, might lead non-dancers to try to blackmail the hosts into dropping the dancing in exchange for their attendance.

Also, it's a given that receptions are held for the purpose of receiving guests.  As long as the hosts greet the guests, thank them for coming, and provide the necessary amenities, like seating for all, protection from the elements, functioning restrooms, and sufficient food and drinks of adequate quality for the time of day, they're not required to provide or do more.  Adding any kind of description can raise expectations unreasonably on the parts of guests and at the expense of hosts.

JaneAustensGhost

D3bride said:

OP - I'd agree with PPs that you can word the invitation normally. If you're concerned, maybe drop a facebook message or phone call to anyone you're close with and let them know you won't be offended if anyone can't make it and you'll celebrate with them whenever you do see them - nothing formal needs to be said.

I'm having a slightly different approach - we are having a really small ceremony and meal (like, ten people) and then inviting everyone later for the party, with finger food rather than a sit-down meal. We are TOTALLY having a cash bar. I live in Ireland; you serve a couple of drinks at the reception and one for the toast, along with wine for the meal, but no one does open bars outside of that. I'm always amused by how scandalised the rest of the world seems by this.

I live in England.  We're having a full hosted bar.  I'm American living here, but I would be scandalized if anyone suggested we have a cash bar.   And nobody seemed to think we would be having a cash bar, so maybe cash bars aren't quite as common as you think.  

pibetafly09

StageManager14 said:

You ARE having a reception, so I wouldn't worry about it.  Honestly, I made it a point to word our invitations carefully because we weren't serving a meal and I didn't want anyone to travel and get a hotel expecting the full dinner and dancing thing then be disappointed with the finger foods and punch.  So, I get where you're coming from.  But I don't think that number of guests has much impact on guest travel.  You're doing a very lovely sit-down meal at your reception, so I don't think you need to be worried at all about OOT guests being upset or disappointed.

May I ask how you did end up wording it? I am in that same boat right now and want to give them a warning but not sure how. However, as it stands now, the ceremony begins at like 6:30 so I think most people will have eaten by then anyways. 

D3bride

@ kindasparkly my dad's family are from Clare. I grew up in Dublin. I've literally never been to a wedding with an open bar here. Drinks reception and wine with the meal, sure, but after that...It's not a high rolling thing, it's just not really how it works in my experience.

@JaneAustensGhost My FI mentioned to the event manager that we might have an open bar. She looked at him kind of oddly and said "well, we've never had one before....but I guess you could, like, have a tab..."

Irish weddings and English weddings are pretty different, in my experience. This is pretty funny:

http://www.dailyedge.ie/the-14-signs-that-youre-at-an-irish-wedding-893223-May2013/

annathy03

OP, if you're still checking this I think the best way to tactfully make it clear it isn't a dancing reception is to say on the invitation "reception to follow at XYZ restaurant".  After all it isn't rude to include the venue, and if you note the reception venue is a restaurant as a guest I wouldn't expect a DJ and dancing- just a meal, which you're providing.  And it sounds like the bar is the restaurant bar in another room, which is not the same as offering a cash bar, so you're in the clear there too (just be sure to have the servers communicate what's hosted if they request alcohol and you aren't hosting it).

Majide

StageManager14 said:

show previous quotes

StageManager14 said:

You ARE having a reception, so I wouldn't worry about it.  Honestly, I made it a point to word our invitations carefully because we weren't serving a meal and I didn't want anyone to travel and get a hotel expecting the full dinner and dancing thing then be disappointed with the finger foods and punch.  So, I get where you're coming from.  But I don't think that number of guests has much impact on guest travel.  You're doing a very lovely sit-down meal at your reception, so I don't think you need to be worried at all about OOT guests being upset or disappointed.

May I ask how you did end up wording it? I am in that same boat right now and want to give them a warning but not sure how. However, as it stands now, the ceremony begins at like 6:30 so I think most people will have eaten by then anyways. 

We put "Please join the happy couple for refreshments following the ceremony", or something very similar. No, it wasn't technically proper etiquette, but we were inviting people from as far away as Australia, so we were more worried about it being clear that we were having a short, simple reception without a meal. However, if your ceremony is at 6:30, you definitely need to serve a meal. I wouldn't assume everyone will have already eaten. Many will arrive around 6pm, which means they will have left between 5 and 5:30, which means beginning to get ready at 4 or so. I don't know about you, but I don't eat dinner at 3pm. This is why etiquette calls for a wedding that falls during a mealtime to have enough food to constitute a meal. If you do apps, that's 17-21 pieces per person, depending on how filling your selections are. You will be better off either serving a meal or moving your wedding to a non mealtime, like 2pm or 8pm.

I second the bold part. I don't usually eat around 5 or 5:30, but more like 7 or 8 on average. So a 6:30 dinnertime wouldn't be unordinary to me.  Not saying it has to be some big, full-blown thing, but enough to fill people up (or at least give them enough fuel to make it through the reception - I'm a picky eater and never expect to eat enough when I go to weddings).

PS: sorry for the crappy formatting of this post - I don't quite understand how these forums mess up quotes so bad... I don't think I screwed up anything on my own...