Disaster! BF/Fiancé -to-be had cold feet?

Kida07

Hi! So my BF was going to pop the question this year ... But all of a sudden he decided he didn't want to date me anymore. So my question is.. Has anyone heard of someone or had someone decided leave you before asking you to marry them? Because it doesn't make sense to me! Thanks!

QueerFemme

Kida07 said:

Hi! So my BF was going to pop the question this year ... But all of a sudden he decided he didn't want to date me anymore. So my question is.. Has anyone heard of someone or had someone decided leave you before asking you to marry them? Because it doesn't make sense to me! Thanks!

Um.  No. I'm sorry. 

manateehugger

Umm, sweetheart, I think you got broken up with.

NYCMercedes

You mean you never had a boy break up with you before?

Kida07

No..I was with him for three years.

manateehugger

Kida07 said:

No..I was with him for three years.

How old are you?

Kida07

Twenty-one.

[Deleted User]

Yikes.  I had a boyfriend that I discussed marriage with and we eventually broke up. Is that what you mean?

No, I've never had someone tell me they were going to propose soon but then dump me instead.  

libby2483

Kida07 said:

Hi! So my BF was going to pop the question this year ... But all of a sudden he decided he didn't want to date me anymore. So my question is.. Has anyone heard of someone or had someone decided leave you before asking you to marry them? Because it doesn't make sense to me! Thanks!

I'm sorry that your boyfriend broke up with you.  I know how difficult that can be.  As to the bolded, in my experience, most break-ups don't just happen "all of a sudden".  There's usual several warning signs that there is trouble in the relationship, but they can be missed if you don't want to see them.

I once very seriously dated someone who I discussed marriage with and who had a savings account for the purpose of buying me an engagement ring and saving for a wedding.  However, things didn't work out and we broke up.  He is now becoming a Catholic priest.  The point is, people's feelings, goals, and relationships can change.  

You are very young and you have plenty of time to find someone who is truly perfect for you.  As much as break ups suck, life goes on and you will find happiness again.

Kida07

@LMc0322 Yes! That's exactly what I mean! Except he didn't say he was breaking up with me. He just left the house after saying " Goodbye." And we haven't spoken since! But on my birthday he had hinted about rings and upcoming marriage.. He just infuriates me! I just have never heard of this before!

AJuliaNJ

@Kida07, yes! At first, I thought you could be my almost FSIL until you gave more details. My BIL just broke up with her after 5 years. He had already put a payment down on a ring and asked her dad for permission! Then "out of nowhere" he broke up with her. 

How long has it been since he left your house?

Kida07

About two and a half to three weeks. It was actually a rental house. So I've moved back in with my mom.

AJuliaNJ

So you lived with him and he just left? Wow, I am so sorry.

[Deleted User]

He must have just realized that you weren't the one.  I'm sorry.  You don't want to be with someone who isn't sure about you anyway.  You'll find someone else.

Kida07

@Libby2483 Thanks so much for your condolences. And thank you as we'll for your advice. I realize I have alot of time to find my life partner. However, I have just never heard of this happening. That is mainly why I asked this question.

RamonaFlowers

Sweetie, I mean this in the most serious way possible: read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"

If he actually wanted to get married, he not only would have proposed by now ... he wouldn't have just taken off for 2-3 weeks without any kind of correspondence with you. It's over. Move on with your life. Trust me, you're better off.

MissMolly

Sure, it's called dating/a relationship. I was in a few of those before I met FH, some where the guy did the breaking up, some where I did the breaking up.

ETA: CMGr has great advice; keep it in mind!

Kida07

Thanks girls! It just really hurt -alot and I just never thought I would feel so broken hearted! But I will keep your advice in mind!

MissMolly

RamonaFlowers said:

Sweetie, I mean this in the most serious way possible: read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"

If he actually wanted to get married, he not only would have proposed by now ... he wouldn't have just taken off for 2-3 weeks without any kind of correspondence with you. It's over. Move on with your life. Trust me, you're better off.

Ohh, and one more to read, which is quite a funny book: "I Used to Miss Him, But My Aim is Improving"

Kida07

Oh and I will certainly read those books!

smalfrie19

Keep you chin up girl! You never know when the right guy will come along.

ETA: But don't go rushing into a relationship. If you have been with this guy for 3 years, take some time and do some soul searching and find out who you are. What will come will come in time. 

kerbohl

That just sucks - what kind of jerk hints about marriage and then just goes and leaves you?  You are better off without that kind of drama. 

efmcc67

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone, I promise! I hate to admit this, but one of our friends did this to a girl once, only they were in the middle of planning their wedding. They'd already booked a hall, paid deposits, and everything. The relationship was not going well. They were fighting constantly, and not over small stuff. One day, he just broke off contact completely. Soon after, the wedding was off and they went their separate ways. 

He's our friend, but he was definitely in the wrong. If you're going to break up with someone, you should talk to them. Yes, it's a hard conversation, but that's not a good reason to avoid it. 

I know it hurts like hell right now, but life will move on. Take good care of yourself. Indulge in some guilty pleasures, get lots of sleep, and take a few good long walks. Good luck!

KDM323

I am sorry you are hurting. Take some time to let the broken heart heal and then focus on your future. What do you want to do? Are you in college? Did you choose a career that you would be interested in? You may have just dodged a bullet with this guy. Time to focus on you, your life, your future.

CLoGreenEyes

I am sorry this happened to you. To answer your question, this *shouldn't* happen, but obviously it does. You are way better off without this guy who would rather just walk away from you than explain himself to you face-to-face.

After three years, I think you have a right to be hurt! Be extra kind and patient with yourself during this time. His actions do not reflect you or your worth; you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who will respect you enough to be honest with you. Just love on yourself for a while and enjoy the opportunity to just be you. A good man worth being with will come along soon enough.

thejucheidea

Maybe he got scared because you were calling him your fiance-to-be instead of enjoying your time as boyfriend and girlfriend .

nsweare

Regardless of his reason for leaving, he took the coward's way out. If he tries to come crawling back, talking about what a mistake he made, yada yada yada, remember how you are feeling right now. Remember how he chose to walk away with no explanation rather than being an adult and talking to you. You now know how he handles his emotions. Pease, please keep that in mind before you consider taking him back (assuming he ever comes back).

I'm really sorry this happened to you, OP. It seems awful now, but you'll see with time that this was for the best.

rel1988

Ditto soup!

I'm sorry you got totally blindsided by this. You will find someone who treats you much better. The fact that he just walked out of the house without any explanation raises a huge douche-bag flag. You are much better off!

MuppetOverlord

This is part of life. I was going to say "unfortunately", but normally it's a good thing when breakups happen. You will move on with experience and find a better relationship for you. We grow and change as we age. Sometimes we grow apart. It sucks now, but it will be okay.

You don't want to be with someone who handles conflict by walking away and just leaving you. What if you WERE married right now? What if you had a child together? What if you had bills and obligations?

I have discussed marriage with a few exes. I picked out a ring with one of them when I was 19 or 20 and was expecting to see it for Christmas, but I got a framed poster instead and I was relieved. We broke up 2 months later. It just wasn't right.

Swazzle

thejucheidea said:

Maybe he got scared because you were calling him your fiance-to-be instead of enjoying your time as boyfriend and girlfriend .

And planning their HM on the HM board.....

[Deleted User]

Swazzle said:

thejucheidea said:

Maybe he got scared because you were calling him your fiance-to-be instead of enjoying your time as boyfriend and girlfriend .

And planning their HM on the HM board.....

Eek, yeah. OP, just don't get so ahead of yourself.  Don't plan a wedding or honeymoon before you're engaged. You could just end up really crushed (again).