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    Let her attend with her newborn. I'm sure her SO will have the sense to quietly excuse themselves if the baby is making a fuss. Don't expect her to come to pre wedding parties without the baby either. It will be too young. She'll probably decline crazy bachelorette events and may bring the baby to the shower. It will be fine; there was a newborn at my shower and I was grateful to have the attention on someone else!

    Be happy for her! This is a great thing for your friend, not an inconvenience.
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    Her baby doesn't have to be invited to the wedding. But if she's nursing I think it would be rude to tell her she can't bring him or her along. As far as pre-wedding parties she doesn't have to attend them. When she brings up bringing the baby to pre wedding stuff just tell her that you're sorry but children won't be allowed. Just don't be surprised if she decides not to come.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    If this is an adults only wedding, nip her bringing the baby in the bud: "Friend, unfortunately, I have to ask you to make other arrangements for the baby's care during the wedding as we're not going to be able to accommodate him/her."  If she doesn't get it, follow up with "This is a decision FI and I made together, and it's a closed subject.  No babies at our wedding includes yours."  (And get your FI on your side on this.)

    As for the other activities, they're really for your wedding party members to plan rather than you.  If she plans them, then yes, I think you'll have to expect her to have her baby along, but if others do, they can make the rule that the activities are adults only.
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    colexcolex member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    OP, are you having an adults only wedding?
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    My best friend, one of my bridesmaids, just announced she was pregnant and due 4 months before the wedding.  We have been friends for several years, I was a bridesmaid at her wedding, and would never consider asking her NOT to be in the wedding.

    My concern is that she is no longer going to be able to participate in the wedding festivities as we had originally planned. Who wants a newborn to be a tagalong at a bachelorette party or bridal shower. Not to mention I do NOT want a screaming baby in the background during my wedding ceremony. 

    I feel uncomfortable bringing up the topic with my friend, however, she has already made several comments about bringing the baby along, and even suggested putting the baby in the ceremony in some capacity! 

    How do I fix the problem without asking her to not be a bridesmaid to attend to her newborn?

    Oh goody.

    You know, when she mentions including the baby in the ceremony, you're allowed to say no. Unless you left out the part where she's holding a gun to your head.

    And yes, where is daddy?

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    I think your bridesmaids' husband/wife would be able to attend to the baby. The screaming newborn idea you have floating around in your head is pretty ridiculous. As if the bridesmaid is just going to sit her newborn on a chair and then head up to the front to stand with you, or better yet - bring the baby up with her to stand with you. You need to calm down. Your bridesmaid has a life. You also mentioned her wedding so she, most likely, has a partner who could take her baby during the shower/bachelorette party. Sure, she may not be a totally massive ball of fun at the bachelorette party because she may be nursing or have a baby to get home to. But still... She's your friend who just so happens to be having a baby. Don't make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. She will have her baby. You will have your wedding. I am sure your wedding will be a much bigger inconvenience to her than her baby will be to you.
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    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    SMarie89 said:
    I think your bridesmaids' husband/wife would be able to attend to the baby. The screaming newborn idea you have floating around in your head is pretty ridiculous. As if the bridesmaid is just going to sit her newborn on a chair and then head up to the front to stand with you, or better yet - bring the baby up with her to stand with you. You need to calm down. Your bridesmaid has a life. You also mentioned her wedding so she, most likely, has a partner who could take her baby during the shower/bachelorette party. Sure, she may not be a totally massive ball of fun at the bachelorette party because she may be nursing or have a baby to get home to. But still... She's your friend who just so happens to be having a baby. Don't make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. She will have her baby. You will have your wedding. I am sure your wedding will be a much bigger inconvenience to her than her baby will be to you.
    The OP says that this bridesmaid has suggested exactly the bolded-making her baby a part of the ceremony.  The OP has the right to say no to this and it wouldn't be rude of her (in fact, it seems pretty cheeky of the bridesmaid to suggest it).
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    SMarie89 said:
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
    Then ask the husband to keep the baby out of the ceremony space. However, I think it's ridiculous. More than likely, this baby will be asleep. You're putting a whole lotta drama onto the shoulders of one little baby. As if the baby is just going to purposely be an asshole and ruin your ceremony...
    Not necessarily.  What the baby will be is in an unfamiliar place, with lots of new people, off its routine, and with a still-developing immune system.  I wouldn't want to put a baby through that.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.


    The husband quietly removing himself and the baby if the baby is getting fussy is not a distraction, it is called being polite.

    How about this.  Why don't you stop stressing over this baby right now.  The damn kid isn't even born yet and you are worrying about how the kid is going to distract and maybe ruin your wedding ceremony.

    As for your friend, she may be saying that she wants her baby involved in the wedding and such and such now, but let her have her kid first, work out the kinks of becoming a new parent and then see how she handles things.

    Edited for spelling


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    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
    Then ask the husband to keep the baby out of the ceremony space. However, I think it's ridiculous. More than likely, this baby will be asleep. You're putting a whole lotta drama onto the shoulders of one little baby. As if the baby is just going to purposely be an asshole and ruin your ceremony...
    Not necessarily.  What the baby will be is in an unfamiliar place, with lots of new people, off its routine, and with a still-developing immune system.  I wouldn't want to put a baby through that.
    I think that is the mother's call to make. But she is already talking about having the baby in the ceremony so she is clearly not concerned about that. 
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    SMarie89 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
    Then ask the husband to keep the baby out of the ceremony space. However, I think it's ridiculous. More than likely, this baby will be asleep. You're putting a whole lotta drama onto the shoulders of one little baby. As if the baby is just going to purposely be an asshole and ruin your ceremony...
    Not necessarily.  What the baby will be is in an unfamiliar place, with lots of new people, off its routine, and with a still-developing immune system.  I wouldn't want to put a baby through that.
    I think that is the mother's call to make. But she is already talking about having the baby in the ceremony so she is clearly not concerned about that. 
    No, but I also don't think it's "ridiculous" or that a baby will necessarily be asleep the whole time-and a parent whisking out a crying baby can compound whatever distraction has been caused by it crying.

    Also, I just don't think any baby, newborn or not, is entitled to an invitation just because its parents were invited.  The parents can decline the invitation.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    As long as we're on the subject, Stage, what are yours?  Not wanting to have children at a wedding of ANY age is a reasonable desire for anyone.
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    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
    Then ask the husband to keep the baby out of the ceremony space. However, I think it's ridiculous. More than likely, this baby will be asleep. You're putting a whole lotta drama onto the shoulders of one little baby. As if the baby is just going to purposely be an asshole and ruin your ceremony...
    Not necessarily.  What the baby will be is in an unfamiliar place, with lots of new people, off its routine, and with a still-developing immune system.  I wouldn't want to put a baby through that.
    I think that is the mother's call to make. But she is already talking about having the baby in the ceremony so she is clearly not concerned about that. 
    No, but I also don't think it's "ridiculous" or that a baby will necessarily be asleep the whole time-and a parent whisking out a crying baby can compound whatever distraction has been caused by it crying.

    Also, I just don't think any baby, newborn or not, is entitled to an invitation just because its parents were invited.  The parents can decline the invitation.
    You (and OP) need to stop using shitty logic to defend a really dumb concern. OP cannot invite other children and then not invite her bridesmaids' child. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    I don't think I would come to your wedding if you said I couldn't bring my newborn, especially if I were nursing. You're not being a very good friend. 

    ETA: And I highly doubt she will bring her baby to the shower or bachelorette. I'm sure if she wants to attend those things, someone can watch the baby. If not, she may have to miss them, and big deal.




    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    SMarie89 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    I was planning on providing childcare for the ceremony, but I know some parents, especially of newborns, do not feel comfortable leaving their children with people they do not know well.

    Yes, her husband will be there, but my concern is that she will be up on the platform with me, and the husband will think it will be ok to stay with the baby in the ceremony-- and then leave when it gets fussy. To me, that's already a distraction.

    I am planning on having 2 flower girls, ages 7 & 9--both old enough to sit quietly for 20+ minutes. so not entirely kid free...

    And at the reception she can do whatever she wants! the ceremony is my main concern.
    Then ask the husband to keep the baby out of the ceremony space. However, I think it's ridiculous. More than likely, this baby will be asleep. You're putting a whole lotta drama onto the shoulders of one little baby. As if the baby is just going to purposely be an asshole and ruin your ceremony...
    Not necessarily.  What the baby will be is in an unfamiliar place, with lots of new people, off its routine, and with a still-developing immune system.  I wouldn't want to put a baby through that.
    I think that is the mother's call to make. But she is already talking about having the baby in the ceremony so she is clearly not concerned about that. 
    No, but I also don't think it's "ridiculous" or that a baby will necessarily be asleep the whole time-and a parent whisking out a crying baby can compound whatever distraction has been caused by it crying.

    Also, I just don't think any baby, newborn or not, is entitled to an invitation just because its parents were invited.  The parents can decline the invitation.
    You (and OP) need to stop using shitty logic to defend a really dumb concern. OP cannot invite other children and then not invite her bridesmaids' child. 
    Yes, actually, she can.  She doesn't have to invite ANY children-regardless of whose children they are.  It's up to her and her FI.  Children do not get an automatic invitation.  You're the one with the "shitty" logic here.
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    I have shitty logic because she already said that she is inviting other children?...
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    I'm thinking my best bet will be to politely ask the husband to stay outside of the ceremony with the baby. 

    I love my friend, if I didn't, I wouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid, and I'm over the moon she is pregnant. The timing of my wedding is not best for her just as the timing of her baby is not the best for me. 

    I do not, however,  think that either LIFE EVENT is more important than the other...
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    SMarie89 said:
    I have shitty logic because she already said that she is inviting other children?...
    Your logic is shitty because she does not have to invite any children she doesn't want to-bridesmaid's child or not-any more than she has to invite any adults she doesn't want.  Parents and children are not "social units."  Just because she is inviting someone else's child doesn't require her to extend invitations to the child of every single guest who is a parent.
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    Jen4948 said:
    SMarie89 said:
    I have shitty logic because she already said that she is inviting other children?...
    Your logic is shitty because she does not have to invite any children she doesn't want to-bridesmaid's child or not-any more than she has to invite any adults she doesn't want.  Parents and children are not "social units."
    No, but if you are inviting the children of your guests and not the child of a member of your wedding party, you need to question what your friendship with that person means to you. 
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    AddieL73 said:
    I don't think I would come to your wedding if you said I couldn't bring my newborn, especially if I were nursing. You're not being a very good friend. 

    ETA: And I highly doubt she will bring her baby to the shower or bachelorette. I'm sure if she wants to attend those things, someone can watch the baby. If not, she may have to miss them, and big deal.




    Ditto.  You don't need to let the baby be IN the ceremony, and it's pretty ballsy of her to suggest it if she did, but to not allow her husband to hold the baby during comes off as inconsiderate.  We aren't having kids (no flower girls, etc), but my sister will be welcome to bring her newborn if she wants, and will extend the same courtesy to any of our other guests if they get pregnant in the next few months.

    I wouldn't fret about a baby at a shower, but her husband should be able to watch the child for that as well as the b-party.

    And you don't know, your BM may be wanting a night off and comfortable leaving him/her with grandparents by the time your wedding rolls around, so there isn't any drama yet.
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If the husband leaves the ceremony with the newborn because the newborn is getting fussy, that is BEING POLITE. Just like @Maggie0829 said. It would be rude if the husband stayed and let the baby cry during the ceremony.

    I think you need to get the whole, "HOW WILL THIS RUIN MY SPECIAL DAY" out of your system. That is, these are okay feelings to have, and you should vent and fret about them for a little while. I'll give you up to a week. And by "vent and fret," I mean vent to your fiance privately, and fret on your own. Don't bring it up with your friend or your other bridesmaids.

    After that, you need to take a deep breath and move on. Deal with issues as they arise. And remember: your wedding is a celebration of your relationship, it's the joining of your families, and it's a way of honoring those who've supported you. Your friend loves you and can't wait to be there as a bridesmaid. If her newborn baby is there, too, that baby is a new addition to your friend's life and to YOUR life. A couple of baby hiccups is not a wedding-spoiler; it's a fun story to tell when that baby grows up.
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    I think there is a huge difference in inviting a 7 year old and inviting a 4 mo. old
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    Also, I have been a bridesmaid in more than 14 weddings and have been asked FAR more ridiculous things than this.


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    I'm thinking my best bet will be to politely ask the husband to stay outside of the ceremony with the baby. 

    I love my friend, if I didn't, I wouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid, and I'm over the moon she is pregnant. The timing of my wedding is not best for her just as the timing of her baby is not the best for me. 

    I do not, however,  think that either LIFE EVENT is more important than the other...

    There is no way to ask him politely to sit outside the ceremony, because that would be a freakin rude request.
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