Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rude Dinner Options?

I attended a wedding with my family, and my aunt kept discussing how "rude" the dinner options are, and how proper etiquette dictates that you should have a choice that everyone will like. My cousin offered sirloin with a mushroom sauce, mashed potatoes and asparagus, or the vegetarian option, eggplant lasagna. I do think the choices were a little distinct, but there was rolls, salad with choice of dressing and soup. My aunt also talked about how rude it was that there were no apps or hor d'vours. The reception started at 5 (4:00 ceremony 10 minutes away) and by 5:30 they started serving bread and we had dinner by 6. Is there such thing as "rude" dinner options? It's a wedding, not Burger King, right?
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Re: Rude Dinner Options?

  • I don't think the options were "rude". Unfortunately you can't please everyone. I'd take either of those options in a heartbeat.  
    A couple has to consider the ability to please multiple palates but the bigger the wedding, the harder that would be.  Frankly, I kind of hate "mass appeal" food because that results in bland chicken, bland veggies, and bland mashed potatoes. Bo-ring! 
    So, it's up to the couple to make a good faith effort to provide options within their budget and it's up to the guests to not bitch and moan about what they were served (or at least never, ever to the couple's face or to anyone else who may relay your displeasure to the couple).  Fill up on salad and bread if you must. 

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  • I can't stand eggplant parmesan and am allergic to mushroom so I wouldn't have eaten either of those.
  • saric83saric83 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    It's not so much rude as not very considerate.  The whole idea of a reception is that it is a thank you to your guests, so while it's obnoxious to expect something AH-mazing, it also seems reasonable to assume hosts would go for neutral meal choices that most people would enjoy.

    I agree w/PP that I hate mushrooms and know lots of other people that do too.  I've been to two weddings that were sit-down with no menu choice with the exception of vegetarian, and each time, I SO wish I would have opted for the veggie meal and absolutely would have had I known what the regular meal was.  Not only was it a bummer for me to be pretty darn hungry the rest of the night, but it was also a waste of money for the couple(s) since I didn't eat it. 

  • I don't like fungus or eggplant so I'd be SOL there too. Though, the differences is I'd scrape off the mushroom sauce and still try to salvage some of the steak. And if I couldn't... I'd probably mutter something just to my husband, and we might leave early if I get hungry... but I would not be complaining about it to the whole table. That's petty.
    I went to a wedding once where all the appetizers were sushi and the only main course was salmon... and I definitely don't eat fish. I was really annoyed that there were no other options, so I definitely feel your aunt's pain........ but I didn't bitch to the table about it either. I think you're right and that she didn't act appropriately.

    Twice I went to weddings where there were no appetizers and where the bride and groom got back late from pictures so the food was pushed back... the reception pretty much just consisted of people sitting at tables, doing nothing. It was BORING. And because people were bored and getting hungry, people started to get irritated. Not sure what went on in that half hour, but sometimes a half hour of nothing but being hungry can start to feel like half a day. I can understand the irritation. And, if they were serving alcohol before dinner as part of a cocktail hour, then they really needed to have food because it's a bad idea to have alcohol and no food...
  • Anytime I'm invited anywhere to eat I always think of it as though I'm being invited to the person's home. Would I have complained if they served this to me for dinner if they didn't know I had a special dietary condition (most people don't know what I'm allergic to)? If the answer is no, then I don't think much of it.

    This is where I stand as well.

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  • I don't know if I'd say rude, but in general I do think mushrooms are a poor choice for wedding meals because so many people dislike them (more for me!). I have a serious allergy, which I list on RSVP cards, but very strong dislikes can also result in hungry guests and wasted food. Eggplant parm isn't my favorite, but most vegetarians I know would at least eat it for sustanence. That clearly isn't true of all crowds, though, as PP have noted.
  • I'm not sure if it's rude so much as inconsiderate.  I don't think those options are terrible, depending on the crowd.  I am vegetarian, and while I don't really like eggplant, I'll eat a bit of it, and I could push it off to the side and eat the rest of the lasagna.   

    I cannot tell if there was a gap--when did the ceremony end?  If there was a gap, there should have been appetizers.  

    I was at a wedding that had 3 or 4 meal choices, but both the fish and the vegetarian were extremely spicy (you pre-ordered on the RSVP card, and there was no warning about spice level), which seems like a very bad move when you're hosting a large group.  The cocktail "hour" also stretched on for at least 1.5-2 hours, and the seating arrangement was done pretty poorly.  Generally inconsiderate wedding.  
  • I'm not sure if it's rude so much as inconsiderate.  I don't think those options are terrible, depending on the crowd.  I am vegetarian, and while I don't really like eggplant, I'll eat a bit of it, and I could push it off to the side and eat the rest of the lasagna.   

    I cannot tell if there was a gap--when did the ceremony end?  If there was a gap, there should have been appetizers.  

    I was at a wedding that had 3 or 4 meal choices, but both the fish and the vegetarian were extremely spicy (you pre-ordered on the RSVP card, and there was no warning about spice level), which seems like a very bad move when you're hosting a large group.  The cocktail "hour" also stretched on for at least 1.5-2 hours, and the seating arrangement was done pretty poorly.  Generally inconsiderate wedding.  
    According to OP, ceremony at 4, reception started at 5, bread was served starting at 5:30, dinner served at 6. So at least an hour. If the ceremony was not a full mass, more like an hour and a half.
    I mean, I'm of the opinion that there should be food at when people arrive.  It's possible that the ceremony (+ getting to cars + driving) basically took an hour, but I would have out at least some water/tea/lemonade and crackers while people are arriving at the reception venue.  I'm still reeling from the wedding I mentioned (I could not sit in my assigned seat without being hit repeatedly by the tent wall), so maybe I'm prone to letting a half hour without apps slide.  
  • jcrmcjcrmc member
    100 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    FI couldnt have eaten either of those choices due to allergies. But I dont think it was RUDE. Any sit-down/plated meal wedding I have been to had a veg option and 2 meats (one red, one white or fish).

    The last wedding I was at, there were apparently appies being served by waiters walking around, but because of where the kitchen was in the venue, only the people mingling in the main floor lobby ended up getting any - the rest of us in the adjacent great rooms got nada, and there was a good hour wait from wedding to reception (both on same grounds) while photos were being done. I ate so many mints!!!!

    Someone complaining at a wedding is rude, IMHO. Especially if it was all bloody night.
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  • Thanks for the opinions! As far as a gap, there wasn't really a gap. The ceremony was a full hour, and by the time I sat down, I waited maybe ten minutes maximum before they started serving food. I also didn't wait for others to eat nor did I have to wait for the rest of the courses after they started. Maybe I was off with the exact times- just wanted to clarify. I always felt like as long as there was enough food, then it wasn't rude. But i am the type that will eat anything, so I am not a good judge.
  • wiki8wiki8 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I definitely don't consider the options rude at all. Her complaining about the options was rude. Sure, not everyone likes mushrooms, but unless you are allergic you can just scrape them off. If you are allergic you would obviously note that on your RSVP card. I see Chicken Marsala served all the time at weddings. Venues will accommodate allergies. As far as eggplant parm, I find it pretty universal. Sure, not everyone likes it, but a lot of people do. You are never going to please every guest, no matter what you serve. As far as people who would leave because they didn't like the dinner options, they must have seen them on the RSVP card and if they knew they wouldn't eat either they could have eaten before hand. They are going to a wedding of someone I would assume is important to them, and that should mean staying even though you are a picky eater.
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  • I just want to point out to everyone who keeps saying eggplant parm that OP said eggplant lasagna. 



  • wiki8wiki8 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    @StageManager14 That is your experience. I have personally never been to a wedding that did not list the entree options on the RSVP card. So yes, I would assume that the leaving is childish in those scenarios because they knew ahead of time what they would be offered. You aren't going to please everyone, and her aunt continually discussing the menu because she is a picky eater is unnecessary and extremely rude.
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  • As a picky eater, I figure if most people like something it's on me if I don't like it. I would think differently if the couple served something bizarre, even if it reflected them (perhaps steamed tofu and kale for example.)
    I've also only seen the name of the animal on the RSVP. I've never seen roasted chicken with mushroom sauce, for example.
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Maybe the OP can clarify, but I typically assume that if there is a plated dinner with entree options, you select the option when you're RSVPing. When that happens, you should note dietary restrictions. And dietary =/= "I don't like mushrooms."
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  • I've never, ever seen the exact course listed on an RSVP card before and I've been invited to nearly two dozen weddings. Actually most weddings I've been to have had no choice at all listed on the invite... or even worse than that, this one time the choices on the RSVP were pork or chicken. I picked chicken as I always do... and at the weddings the plates come out. The pork plate was all pork. The chicken plate though, was a little serving of chicken and a big piece of fish. WTF? Luckily my husband got pork and gave me some of his and he ate my fish. But I digress.

    Actually I ended up putting the exact menu on our website so people could make an informed decision and later I caught wind that people thought that was a tad pretentious. Whoops...
  • wiki8wiki8 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agreed with her aunt being rude. But I was the one who said I would leave, which was based on my experience of NOT knowing specifics ahead of time. I guess the lesson is that neither of us have enough specifics to truly judge the situation. But yes, as I said before, the aunt WAS rude.
    I agree, we don't really know the specifics, and no one actually left, so it's irrelevant anyway I suppose.

    And thanks @Vixzaesar, I also didn't read that correctly and said eggplant parm.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    aurianna said:
    I've never, ever seen the exact course listed on an RSVP card before and I've been invited to nearly two dozen weddings. Actually most weddings I've been to have had no choice at all listed on the invite... or even worse than that, this one time the choices on the RSVP were pork or chicken. I picked chicken as I always do... and at the weddings the plates come out. The pork plate was all pork. The chicken plate though, was a little serving of chicken and a big piece of fish. WTF? Luckily my husband got pork and gave me some of his and he ate my fish. But I digress.

    Actually I ended up putting the exact menu on our website so people could make an informed decision and later I caught wind that people thought that was a tad pretentious. Whoops...
    Yeah, I think we'll put the actual descriptions of the food on the website. We have lots of picky people and they're going to want to know exactly what we're serving.
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  • wiki8wiki8 member
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    @phira I don't know is this is one of those regional things, but I think letting your guests know the actual descriptions is the best way to go about it. Like I had said, I've never been invited to a wedding that didn't have the actual dish you would be eating on the RSVP card. I was recently invited to a wedding with 5 options and they were all really detailed. The RSVP card was huge. I plan on putting the two dishes we will serve on mine, and then a more detailed description on our wedding website. 
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  • I don't see anything rude about the choices. You can't please everyone. Personally, I bring a snack with me everywhere. I have a medical issue and I make sure that I always have a backup plan in case the food that is served isn't good for me. I don't think it's realistic to expect the hosts to anticipate the needs and preferences of a large group of people.
  • I do think the entrees were very poorly chosen but OP's aunt certainly didn't brush up on her etiquette before she attended this wedding.

    I am a mushroom lover.  Love 'em.  3 of my 5 kids won't touch them and they are grown.  Asparagus?  If it is roasted or grilled I could eat it 3 times a week.  2 of the kids hate it.  My family is fairly representative of a typical crowd.  I have 2 VERY serious foodies, DH and 2 SIL will eat whatever it is if it doesn't crawl off the plate, 3 of us are picky, and the rest will find something they will eat at an event.

    In all of our wedding planning with the girls, I have learned this:  Don't choose asparagus or brussell sprouts as  your only veggie options, and don't add mushrooms to the entrees.  AND...we didn't have BO...RING meals either.  If you don't want  your money wasted you choose mass appeal and you find a great caterer who can pull that off.  Our last caterer was amazing.
  • @stagemanager14
    For something like that don't they usually send you the food options and you send it back with your rsvp? Couldn't you write that you don't want mushrooms on it? That way you could enjoy your dinner also? I don't really know how that works.
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  • saric83saric83 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    pixie3208 said:
    @stagemanager14 For something like that don't they usually send you the food options and you send it back with your rsvp? Couldn't you write that you don't want mushrooms on it? That way you could enjoy your dinner also? I don't really know how that works.
    I've been to multiple weddings where there was no food choice option for a plated dinner.  Often the RSVP cards said to let the B&G know if you had food allergies or something.  So the only meal option for us included food that didn't seem to appeal to a broad audience (including mushrooms, veal, etc.), so I'm guessing these are the kind of situations that people are mentioning where if you're going to have ONE option, it should be something that the majority of people would like. 
  • I can't get over how people are incapable of taking mushrooms off their steak. It can't be that horribly hard, right? If there is an allergy, I absolutely understand that this isn't an option. But baring dietary restrictions/allergies, grown adults should be able to eat at a formal meal without pitching a bitch fit because it isn't their first choice. 
  • LoredLored member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think it's definelty regional because I've NEVER seen the entrees listed on the RSVP. One always selects table side. That being said, there are always two or three options available for the mainstream guest plus and additional vegan option. This does however allow one to ask about the preparation of the meals and specify if there is a particular allergy or preference. I agree with PPs that its unbelievably rude to comment on someone else's entree options and/or wedding in general.
  • @stagemanager14 Is the sauce generally sticky glued onto the steak? I understand not liking something, but I'm also the type to go with the flow for the sake of enjoying an event/celebrating friends + family. Regardless, serving something that some people may not like is not "rude". There were options, and if no one indicated an allergy then the bride was within her right to serve what sounds like a delicious meal to me.
  • I don't think this is rude at all. If you have an allergy to something, call the bride or groom and ask if they can accommodate it certainly. But I've always been taught that part of being a grownup means if you just don't like something, then you fill up on salad and rolls and deal with it. If it's a middle ground where you could eat the steak but not the sauce, discreetly asking a staff member if you could have yours plain is fine. And most caterers have some flexibility to improvise on the spot. But calling this bride rude is out of order.
  • Not as rude as one wedding I went to where the guests got bland chicken but the bride and groom had big lobsters and steak on their plates.  Holy rude city.

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