Commitment ceremony for straight folks..

Sharpschruter22

So sorry if this has already been discussed, but tonight on an episode of Honey Boo Boo, Mama said she didn't want to get married, but would have a commitment ceremony ie, a wedding without the marriage. I looked up info online and see that they had a full blown "wedding" type affair, but are no more married than they were before.

I'm quite shocked about this and somewhat offended as well. I understand the importance of commitment ceremonies in the gay community, but that is completely different to me because they cannot (in most states) get married legally. I feel like she wanted the party, but still wanted an easy out and that disgusts me.

Thoughts?

Bubbles2014

I don't personally see the point. If you're going to have the ceremony and the party you may as well sign the piece of paper and make it legal.

aurianna

I don't think commitment ceremonies should belong to only one group. If two people want to commit themselves in front of loved ones, but for whatever reason do not want to legally marry, I don't see why it should matter if they are gay or straight.

Sharpschruter22

Gypsy housewife, why are you calling him your husband if you are not married?

Simply Fated

I admit I don't get the point, either. I mean, it's great if you want to declare your mutual commitment to each other in front if your friends and family, but I'm not sure why. Do people not believe you're committed?
What will it mean to those who follow the "no ring, no bring" rule?

Sharpschruter22

What I'm worried about is starting a trend amongst folks who don't want to marry the other person, but still want the party and trappings of a wedding. I just think it's funny that it's a commitment ceremony, but the couple isn't really making the ultimate commitment even though they are able to do so.

I also feel it's disrespectful to the gay community. The vast majority of gay people wouldn't be having them if they could get married. That's the whole point.

Edit: unnecessary snarkiness.

kmmssg

Sharpschruter22 said:

What I'm worried about is starting a trend amongst folks who don't want to marry the other person, but still want the party and trappings of a wedding. I just think it's funny that it's a commitment ceremony, but the couple isn't really making the ultimate commitment even though they are able to do so. I also feel it's disrespectful to the gay community. The vast majority of gay people wouldn't be having them if they could get married. That's the whole point. Edit: unnecessary snarkiness.

I hate it when I can't sleep...

Sharp - your post above sums up my thoughts on this exactly.

Gays hold committment ceremonies because the CAN'T get married in most states.  If you are straight you CAN get married.  I understand that there are many people who don't want to, but if you don't want to to get married, don't hold a ceremony that looks like a marriage ceremony.

Yeah, uber tacky and in poor taste Honey Boo Boo's Mom, but this is not a surprise.

artbyallie

Sharpschruter22 said:

Gypsy housewife, why are you calling him your husband if you are not married?

Because apparently gypsies don't make it legal? No one has succeeded in explaining the very real benefits of legal marriage to her, so good luck with that. IMO, if your 'husband' or 'wife' isn't willing to be that in the eyes of your country, I don't know why you'd stay with them.

By the way, I LOVE your sig. My parents visited that chapel earlier this year and it's so cool-looking.

misssunshine17

Well, remember the people you're talking about. I don't think they make good decisions on anything. 

cruffino

Honey boo boo's mom did something tacky!?! Gtfooh. But seriously how that little girl is exploited is the real travesty.

Xstatic3333

Gypsy I understand its a cultural issue to your community, and that's fine, but in general for your typical American I just can't understand why you wouldn't want all the legal benefits that come with marriage if you're emotionally ready to make the commitment. It smacks to me of wanting the party but not wanting to really commit. And in the case of Honey BooBoo I'm sure it was an idea cooked up by TLC producers (remember John and Kate's "vow renewal" in Hawaii anybody?).

Abbyjensen

I considered not having a legal ceremony. I think that people have personal reasons to not want to marry legally. 

I consider marriage to be a religious institution. In line with my religious beliefs, I wanted to get married as a religious practice, not for legal benefits. I want to be married in the eyes of God, not married in the eyes of the government (and yes, I understand that the two are not mutually exclusive). So, in accordance with my beliefs, I do not NEED a legal piece of paper to say that I am married. I considered not getting legally married because the legal marriage isn't significant to me personally. In the end I decided to, because at the end of the day, having children, travel, home purchasing, etc. are all much easier with a legal marriage. 

heidirs731

Some people don't want the government involved in their union, so they do commitment ceremonies instead of weddings or marriages. At least, that's how a friend explained it to me. That didn't make a lot of sense to me because there's a lot of benefits to being legally married, but everyone is different. As the PP pointed out, you don't need piece of paper to say you are married and have committed your life to someone.

crunchymamaof2

heidirs731 said:

Some people don't want the government involved in their union, so they do commitment ceremonies instead of weddings or marriages. At least, that's how a friend explained it to me. That didn't make a lot of sense to me because there's a lot of benefits to being legally married, but everyone is different. As the PP pointed out, you don't need piece of paper to say you are married and have committed your life to someone.

well, you do need a piece of paper to say you're married. But not to show you're committed like you said.

Personally, I think commitment ceremonies for straight people are dumb and typically have ulterior motives (party and gifts anyone?). @queerfemme I'd love your POV on this. Since opposite sex couples do have the option of marriage having a commitment ceremony makes no sense. I mean, doesn't living together show you're committed? Having kids together (by choice)? Considering yourselves to be in a serious relationship? If those aren't enough then marriage is the other option. For same sex couples they don't have that so a commitment ceremony is the closest equivalent. Why shouldn't same sex couples get to experience a wedding just because the government says they aren't good enough?

If you don't want presents and to get attention for looking all pretty why would you opt for a commitment ceremony instead of getting married legally? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

 

 

GypsyWife_

OK well I'm not here to MAKE anyone understand. I'm OK with people disagreeing with my reasons for doing the things we do. I'm really used to it. Our culture is different and that's OK. If someone doesn't like it I understand . For me its a personal choice. I would love a jop wedding and have a big honeymoon. but I won't be having one. So I'm having what most call a PPD. But its OK because PPDs happen everyday and I'm not changing the world by having one. And just because one member of lgbtq community thinks its offensive doesn't mean all lgbtq think its offensive. I have 4 cousins who are lgbtq and all know what's going on and are excited to attend my commitment ceremony.

CheleLyn

We were originally planning to do a "commitment ceremony" before just going through with getting married. For us, this will be our third marriage each. There are also things that could potentially be complicated by us getting married, as well as just a lot of personal reasons why we didn't want the whole wedding and legally married business. 

The commitment ceremony was going to be held in his parent's backyard on July 27 of this year, I had bought a nice non-wedding/bridal dress. After, we would have just had a cookout with his closest family and our very closest friends. 

After MONTHS of talking about it...and in all honesty, it was him trying to convince me to do a wedding...we decided to go ahead with getting married. I'm actually glad we have decided to go this route.

There are many, many reasons why a heterosexual couple would choose to have a commitment ceremony rather than a legal marriage. I think that as long as those who would be invited to a commitment ceremony understand what it is and are not under the impression that it is a wedding, there's nothing wrong it. 

AlexisA01

aurianna said:

I don't think commitment ceremonies should belong to only one group. If two people want to commit themselves in front of loved ones, but for whatever reason do not want to legally marry, I don't see why it should matter if they are gay or straight.

I agree with this.

artbyallie

Abbyjensen said:

I considered not having a legal ceremony. I think that people have personal reasons to not want to marry legally. 

I consider marriage to be a religious institution. In line with my religious beliefs, I wanted to get married as a religious practice, not for legal benefits. I want to be married in the eyes of God, not married in the eyes of the government (and yes, I understand that the two are not mutually exclusive). So, in accordance with my beliefs, I do not NEED a legal piece of paper to say that I am married. I considered not getting legally married because the legal marriage isn't significant to me personally. In the end I decided to, because at the end of the day, having children, travel, home purchasing, etc. are all much easier with a legal marriage. 

That last sentence is exactly what makes legal marriage significant to you.

Simply Fated

CheleLyn said:

We were originally planning to do a "commitment ceremony" before just going through with getting married. For us, this will be our third marriage each. There are also things that could potentially be complicated by us getting married, as well as just a lot of personal reasons why we didn't want the whole wedding and legally married business. 

The commitment ceremony was going to be held in his parent's backyard on July 27 of this year, I had bought a nice non-wedding/bridal dress. After, we would have just had a cookout with his closest family and our very closest friends. 

After MONTHS of talking about it...and in all honesty, it was him trying to convince me to do a wedding...we decided to go ahead with getting married. I'm actually glad we have decided to go this route.

There are many, many reasons why a heterosexual couple would choose to have a commitment ceremony rather than a legal marriage. I think that as long as those who would be invited to a commitment ceremony understand what it is and are not under the impression that it is a wedding, there's nothing wrong it. 

@knotporsha @knotporscha (spelling help!)
Why was this flagged once, let alone twice??


Anyway, to the OP... what are the many, many reasons? Don't get me wrong, I can totally understand why a couple wouldn't want to get married, legally or religiously, but what are the reasons for a commitment ceremony?

Simply Fated

Simply Fated said:

I admit I don't get the point, either. I mean, it's great if you want to declare your mutual commitment to each other in front if your friends and family, but I'm not sure why. Do people not believe you're committed?
What will it mean to those who follow the "no ring, no bring" rule?

@knotporscha Is this a joke? Why are we all getting flagged just for not agreeing? Are we all going to get banned now?

phira

I don't think a non-legal wedding or commitment ceremony is appropriating something unique to same-sex couples. A lot of people don't want to have the legally binding parts of a marriage, but they do want the more romantic and emotional aspects of a wedding and marriage.

Having a commitment ceremony out of necessity because your relationship won't be legally recognized (same-sex marriage in some states) is different than having one because you choose one. But I bristle at the assumption that everyone WOULD have a state/country recognized marriage if they had the option. Many people choose not to get legally married for whatever reason, and saying, "You can't celebrate your relationship with a commitment ceremony because you COULD get married," is a bit off for me.

Basically, I think everyone should have the opportunity to legally marry the (consenting adult) person they want to. But I don't think that legal marriage makes commitment ceremonies obsolete. Just like you can get legally married without a ceremony, you can have a ceremony where you can still make vows to each other, and a party afterwards.

If you're invited to a commitment ceremony for two people who COULD legally marry if they chose, and you have a problem with it, then don't go.

Xstatic3333

Wow, my first flags for politely disagreeing. Nice!

@knotporscha this must be random flagging. People on both sides of the debate were flagged, all of whom made very reasonable comments.

kmmssg

9 years on this board and THIS is what I get flagged for?  @knotporscha ?

Sharpschruter22

artbyallie said:

Sharpschruter22 said:

Gypsy housewife, why are you calling him your husband if you are not married?

Because apparently gypsies don't make it legal? No one has succeeded in explaining the very real benefits of legal marriage to her, so good luck with that. IMO, if your 'husband' or 'wife' isn't willing to be that in the eyes of your country, I don't know why you'd stay with them.

By the way, I LOVE your sig. My parents visited that chapel earlier this year and it's so cool-looking.

Thank you! Our wedding day was everything I always dreamed of. I'll share the rest of the pics when I get the discs back from our photog. The ones in my sig and avatar are just screenshots off of the preview site.

Ajuliana

Leave gypsyhousewife alone.  It's her culture!  For the couples who don't have that excuse, I think it's stupid as hell.  I am NOT buying you a present or spending hours and hours of my life hearing about your commitment ceremony which means jack shit.  

For a gay couple, that is sometimes all they have.  And when they get the right wherever they live, they will rectify legally since they know the value of it after being denied the respect they deserve by the government for their entire lives.  Fucking seriously.  Let's not act like anything the boo boo clan does is what normal non-hicks do.  

**disclaimer** I was raised on a dairy farm and FI was raised on an almond farm, so I can use the word hick and not feel rude in the slightest.**

CheleLyn

Simply Fated said:

We were originally planning to do a "commitment ceremony" before just going through with getting married. For us, this will be our third marriage each. There are also things that could potentially be complicated by us getting married, as well as just a lot of personal reasons why we didn't want the whole wedding and legally married business. 

The commitment ceremony was going to be held in his parent's backyard on July 27 of this year, I had bought a nice non-wedding/bridal dress. After, we would have just had a cookout with his closest family and our very closest friends. 

After MONTHS of talking about it...and in all honesty, it was him trying to convince me to do a wedding...we decided to go ahead with getting married. I'm actually glad we have decided to go this route.

There are many, many reasons why a heterosexual couple would choose to have a commitment ceremony rather than a legal marriage. I think that as long as those who would be invited to a commitment ceremony understand what it is and are not under the impression that it is a wedding, there's nothing wrong it. 

@knotporsha @knotporscha (spelling help!) Why was this flagged once, let alone twice?? Anyway, to the OP... what are the many, many reasons? Don't get me wrong, I can totally understand why a couple wouldn't want to get married, legally or religiously, but what are the reasons for a commitment ceremony?

I'm not seeing flags...were they removed? 

GypsyWife_

Yes. No more flags! @chelelyn I think it was to much to go.through all the flags and undo them so they got rid of them all together. Or to prevent a reoccurrence.

jcrmc

For some people, there are detriments to getting legally married.

Case in point: ME.

Financially, my disability benefits are going to be SLASHED after the paperwork is finalized. Both my income AND my spouses income will be taken into account when figuring out any deductions to my monthly cheque, but the amount recieved only increases by a tiny amount. After the math is calculated and done, we will together be making substantially less than right now.

But it is important to both of us to be legally married, not just committed. So we are gonna just have to figure shit out.

Simply Fated

jcrmc said:

For some people, there are detriments to getting legally married.

Case in point: ME.

Financially, my disability benefits are going to be SLASHED after the paperwork is finalized. Both my income AND my spouses income will be taken into account when figuring out any deductions to my monthly cheque, but the amount recieved only increases by a tiny amount. After the math is calculated and done, we will together be making substantially less than right now.

But it is important to both of us to be legally married, not just committed. So we are gonna just have to figure shit out.

I can totally understand why people wouldn't want to get legally married. My mom and her boyfriend of about 10 years have zero desire to get married. I'm totally cool with that.

I just wouldn't understand it if they had a commitment ceremony, though. I mean, people know they're committed. They've been committed for awhile. At what point does a committed couple decide to have a ceremony for that? I guess I just have a lot of questions. I'm not trying to tear commitment ceremonies for heterosexual couples apart, I just don't understand them or see the reason for them, I guess.
Although I suppose one reason would be to get around the "no ring, no bling rule" in some cases.

crunchymamaof2

jcrmc said:

For some people, there are detriments to getting legally married.

Case in point: ME.

Financially, my disability benefits are going to be SLASHED after the paperwork is finalized. Both my income AND my spouses income will be taken into account when figuring out any deductions to my monthly cheque, but the amount recieved only increases by a tiny amount. After the math is calculated and done, we will together be making substantially less than right now.

But it is important to both of us to be legally married, not just committed. So we are gonna just have to figure shit out.

I totally get this. I'm in a somewhat similar boat. Getting married could have caused me to lose my specific health insurance, which is the only insurance that will cover a medication I need. But instead of having a commitment ceremony we just chose to wait until legal marriage was possible, which it now is since I'm almost done with said medication. I knew we'd get married eventually so having a commitment ceremony would have been redundant and a waste of money. Everyone knows we're committed, why do we need a party to prove it? We decided to wait until we could legally prove it instead.

MsYeck

I have an older relative who won't get married but would have a commitment ceremony because if she got remarried she would lose her pension that she lives off of from late husband.