Really long BM Rant

ashleyep

Edit: Removed because there was a lot of detailed information

ashleyep

msuprincess04

Let it go. It's her personality, and there really isn't a way to stay "stop acting that way, it's annoying." 

ashleyep

msuprincess04 said:

Let it go. It's her personality, and there really isn't a way to stay "stop acting that way, it's annoying." 

Ugh I know, but she's in my wedding party and I don't want to deal with it all weekend when I get married.

KeptInStitches

Hmm. Cleaning up after the wedding isn't required, in my opinion. Nice if you can, no need to go out of your way. I agree that she was very difficult all weekend and that if someone is offering you transportation, you go out of your way to be accommodating to them. I have less of a problem with the Facebook stuff not mentioning the wedding because, of course, we tell brides here all the time not to spam their friends with wedding stuff before they get married on Facebook.

I can't blame you for not wanting to deal with that kind of behavior. She probably will make it out like every aspect of your wedding is a huge inconvenience to her, but that behavior's on her. The best thing you can do is let it roll off your back. She can look foolish on her own.

msuprincess04

So don't. You don't have to sit and listen to it if you don't want to. Change the subject or say "I'm sorry, I'm really busy right now" and walk away. 

ashleyep

KeptInStitches said:

Hmm. Cleaning up after the wedding isn't required, in my opinion. Nice if you can, no need to go out of your way.

I absolutely agree, totally not a requirement. But I wanted to help B and spend the day with her and shouldn't have had to leave because C made plans with her friends that the cleaning was getting in the way of. Especially since she never told me she had to be somewhere at a certain time. I'm never in a rush to get home the day after the wedding, personally.

And the FB post was more like "... you're not really inviting your friends to the bachelorette party, are you?" and "... I didn't realize you had plans on Sunday that require me to drive you home so early."

Xstatic3333

It sounds like C hates being a bridesmaid, and probably should have declined.  Maybe she has a problem saying no.  Who knows.  It definitely doesn't sound like the bride had unreasonable expectations (provided she checked that DB had options in everyone's budgets).

I get why you're nervous.  All you can do, though, is let it roll off of your back.  Privately ask budgets, keep her in the loop, and hope for the best.  It sounds like your expectations are fine so you won't give her any (legitimate) reason to be upset.  If another of your BM tells you they are having trouble with her (this happened with me, apparently one BM was giving my MOH grief about her shower decisions) just suggest that they do their own thing and let C do hers.  Try to stay out of it. 

ashleyep

scribe95 said:

She doesn't sound particularly fun to be around but I also think some of this is small potatos. I so didn't care what anyone wore to my rehearsal dinner.

In general the bride wanted her around to do wedding stuff four straight days - Thursday bach stuff; Friday helping all day (??) and rehearsal; Saturday wedding and Sunday clean up. But she wanted to see her family and friends during some of that time, which is not an unreasonable request. So I might have been a little annoyed if I were her too.

She definitely should have kept you - her ride - more informed of her plans. But that isn't wedding stuff - just common sense. At the same time, as her ride you also should have been more clear about your schedule as far as coming and going timeline.

 

You're right. Most of it isn't a big deal, but it was just one thing after another that got really tedious. She had already missed all of the Thursday day stuff and only met us at the bars for a few hours after her plane landed. We specifically picked that day so she could go to the bachelorette party - and then she missed almost the whole thing. And it wasn't all day Friday, we ended up being there only a few hours before the rehearsal. 

Even the rehearsal dinner thing isn't a big deal, but you don't go running to the bride two days before her wedding with stupid crap like "someone told me I can't wear this, but I'm hoping you'll tell me I'm right and they're wrong." And then when she doesn't agree with you, you don't throw a temper tantrum. It's not like she didn't have anything else to wear.

My only plans were go up Friday, come home Sunday. If someone else is giving me a ride somewhere, I will bend over backwards to be as flexible as I need to be so they don't need to go out of their way for me - which is exactly what the MOH did when I drove her home. It shouldn't have been my responsibility to give her an itinerary.

I get that 4 days is a lot, but at least for me, I blocked off those 4 days for her wedding. I was available to do whatever the bride needed to do. When I fly in to my cousins wedding in Arizona in September, those 4 days are for her wedding. If I can squeeze in a visit to a friend, great, but ultimately that's not why I'm there. And I'm not going to throw a hissy fit about it.

Like I said - I don't care if she's not involved in anything pre-rehearsal or post-ceremony and pictures at my wedding. But if she does choose to be involved in those things - or has to be because someone else is driving her - I don't want to hear about what an inconvenience it is to her.

Things like this keep happening with her - we have a relationship where she does something stupid and selfish and I call her out on it and then we're mad at each other for a week and then we're over it. And I'm kind of tired of it. I think it's a relationship I'm going to have to cut out of my life after the wedding, which is pretty heartbreaking.

southernbelle0915

Why can't she wear a cream colored dress to the RD? And why does she have to stay and help you clean? 

Outside of that, it sounds like this girl just has a whiny, annoying personality. And it sound like you're letting her get to you. Don't. Ignore her completely. You don't have to "deal" with her on your wedding day. You'll be so frickin busy you'll hardly have time to breathe. 

ashleyep

southernbelle0915 said:

Why can't she wear a cream colored dress to the RD? And why does she have to stay and help you clean? 

Outside of that, it sounds like this girl just has a whiny, annoying personality. And it sound like you're letting her get to you. Don't. Ignore her completely. You don't have to "deal" with her on your wedding day. You'll be so frickin busy you'll hardly have time to breathe. 

@southernbelle0915 I know the etiquette for white is only for the wedding day itself, but in general I think it's a good idea to avoid white for wedding-related events. It makes you look like the bride. My issue with that is more that she had to go whine about it to the bride two days before her wedding when she had a ton of shit to do. If you truly think it's not a big deal, then just show up and wear it.

She doesn't have to help *me* clean, I don't care about that. My issue with that is more that I was her ride, she never told me she had made plans she needed to be back in the city for, and just expected me to leave when she was ready to drive her home. Even though I wanted to stay and help my friend who just had 80 people at her house the night before. One of the other bridesmaids wasn't there and it wasn't a big deal, it's not mandatory. But she didn't have her own transportation and it's really shitty to expect people to be your taxi.

nikole712

I think you should just ignore her, she sounds like she is one of those people who always have something to complain about. I would not expect anyone to dedicate 4 days for my wedding aside from my FI so I really don't blame her for not wanting to spend her entire weekend of the wedding doing wedding stuff, especially if she lives far from her family and other friends.I do think she should have communicated to you her plans for the day after the wedding so that she could have arranged for another ride home since you had planned to stay to help your friend. Since she did not tell you of her plans, she really had no reason to be annoyed at you for wanting to stay.

HisGirlFriday13

OK, wow. I just made it through all of that. 

This is slightly passive-aggressive, and it takes a certain amount of nerve to pull it off, but what I would do (hell, what I *HAVE* done, because I have a similar BM problem) is just not tell her about the showers, parties, etc.

Have your other BMs not ask her for her opinion (and thus not have any financial contribution from her), have them not tell her what they're planning, have her not be invited. If she asks, one of them should say, "Oh, since you live so far away, we didn't want to burden you. We knew you'd have trouble taking time off work and flying up."

Don't expect anything more from her than showing up, on time and in the right dress. The less she knows about the plans, the less she can complain or be catty about them. 

Will her feelings get hurt? Probably. But it's a choice between her hurt feelings and your sanity, so I say go with your sanity.