Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hurt I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid?

JesevanJesevan member
Fourth Anniversary
edited August 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm sure there's been situations like this talked about before, so I'm sorry if this is a repeat!

(We'll call the Bride 'Big T' during this)
So Big T and I have been best friends since the 9th grade.. We are now 26. She just got engaged about a month ago, and I've since realized she isn't going to be asking me to be in her wedding. She asked her bridesmaids and such already. I hate to sound so selfish, but I'm hurt. I do realize we aren't as super close as we once were but, I do still consider her one of my best friends and I thought she felt the same. She was my maid-of-honor 5 years ago, too. While I didn't expect to be her MOH, I guess I did assume she'd have some sort of role for me in her wedding? I guess what also hurts me is that she hasn't even acknowledged to me she won't be asking me to be in the wedding. This is her day and I'm so happy for her & her fiancé, I really don't want to bring it up and make it sound like this should be all about me.

Is there any tactful way I can go about asking her about it without pissing her off/stressing her out/guilting her into finding a place for me in the wedding? I just am at a loss on what to do or say.. I feel very hurt but don't know how justified I am in feeling this way.

Re: Hurt I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid?

  • i was in a similar situation when a dear friend got married and didn't include me (although i was a guest). it hurt, but it was just a sign that we had moved in different directions in life. i never asked her about it. i don't think it would have been a productive conversation. i just respected her decision and moved on. we remain good friends today, and honestly, i don't think our relationship would be any better or worse today if i had been included. 
    Ambybambi1125STARMOON44TheVirginians
  • I can understand why you feel hurt, but don't say anything to her. Choosing a bridal party can be tough. Remember that being invited to a wedding as a guest is an honour, and also less stressful than being part of the wedding party!
    TheVirginians
  • I understand you're hurt, but asking her directly about it can put you both in bad positions.

    She doesn't owe you a reason and there is a good chance you might not want to know her reasons.

    This is something to be bummed about, but don't let it get you down. Being a guest is awesome, too, especially since you don't have to worry about bridesmaids dresses and all that other stuff. Definitely move on from the hurt and keep yourself busy with other stuff.
    image
    STARMOON44TheVirginiansRebeccaB88
  • The bride has her reasons. Maybe she doesn't consider you one of her best friends anymore. It hurts, but it happens. Be hurt and upset, then be happy for your friend. Attend as a guest if you're invited, and have a great time!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    STARMOON44TheVirginians
  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2013
    I'm sorry you're hurt, I know it must be hard. I do agree about not bringing it up, however. She actually did the right thing by not bringing it up to you. Hang in there!
    STARMOON44TheVirginians
  • This must really hurt... The bride is right by not talking about it with you.  Please don't discuss it with her.  Chances are, things have changed and you're heading in different directions. That's okay! It's how life works.  You also don't know if she has plans for you in another way as a reader, perhaps? 


    TheVirginians
  • mlg78 said:

    This must really hurt... The bride is right by not talking about it with you.  Please don't discuss it with her.  Chances are, things have changed and you're heading in different directions. That's okay! It's how life works.  You also don't know if she has plans for you in another way as a reader, perhaps? 

    This. Plus, if you talk to her, you'll honestly just look desperate. 

    TheVirginiansRebeccaB88
  • I know this can hurt - one of my closest friends several years ago (my roommate at the time) did something similar, though she did explain to me why she picked who she did and I understood her reasoning completely - but it still hurt not to be included in the BP.

    As PPs have said, I wouldn't bring it up with her because that will put her in an awkward position and might cause problems between the two of you.
    image
    TheVirginians
  • One of my closest friends did not have me as a bridesmaid because of various reasons. I had to fly from IL to VA. The MOH picked me up so I got to be part of most of the pre-wedding stuff anyways. I stood in as a bridesmaid at the rehearsal and rehearsal lunch, got my nails done with the girls and even helped them all get ready. I actually enjoyed that wedding almost more than the 2 I was in a year later.

    It is sad not being in a wedding party. Just be happy for her and support her the best you can. Be a listening ear for wedding stuff and even just regular life stuff too.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • If you want to be involved, why don't you offer her your help? Let her know if she needs someone to go to a cake tasting or venue visit you'd be more than happy to go with her and share your opinion. Or if she has DIY projects or invites to stuff. You don't have to be a bridesmaid to be actively involved.

    Also; we tell brides all the time that it's rude to tell someone they're not a bridesmaid, so she's in the right to not bring it up with you.
    TheVirginiansKeptInStitches[Deleted User]
  • There's lots of reasons why. Maybe she wants she and her fiancé to have even numbers on both sides. Maybe she doesn't want to give you the burden of helping with the wedding. Maybe there are certain people that she wants for particular reason. There are lots of reasons why and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you. Don't let it come between you and her. I really wanted to be a BM in my cousins's wedding, and was disappointed that I wasn't. I got over it, and two years later it doesn't even cross my mind.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2013
    There's lots of reasons why. Maybe she wants she and her fiancé to have even numbers on both sides. Maybe she doesn't want to give you the burden of helping with the wedding. Maybe there are certain people that she wants for particular reason. There are lots of reasons why and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you. Don't let it come between you and her. I really wanted to be a BM in my cousins's wedding, and was disappointed that I wasn't. I got over it, and two years later it doesn't even cross my mind.
    FYI: The bolded are both BAD reasons for not asking someone to be a bridesmaid. The sides do not have to be even, and if one is picking or not picking their bridesmaids for that reasons it's akin to picking people simply for aesthetic purposes rather than because they want to honor people. And it is NOT the bridesmaids' jobs to help with certain things in the wedding. It is NO one's job except the bride and the groom, and anyone else who offers their help if they so choose, regardless if they are in the bridal party or not. (just a note if any lurkers are out there and are thinking about BM choices. A bridesmaid's only burden is to buy the dress once the budget has been agreed upon, show up to ceremony on time and sober, and smile)

    Now, that aside, it still is the bride's prerogative to pick who she wants as bridesmaids. Hopefully she didn't choose because of the rude bolded reasons above, but even if she did, that's her mistake to make.
    Or maybe she wanted a family-heavy BP.
    Or maybe she wanted a small bridal party and chose people she spends more time with these days.
    But, just because you might not be one of the very small handful of people she's having beside her that day does NOT mean you are not special to her. If I'd put every friend and relative that I cared deeply about up there with me I'd have had 20 bridesmaid and men. The line has to be drawn somewhere.
    Totally be sad about this. No one would judge you for that. But try your best to accept it and get over it quickly so you can instead bask in this happy occasion in your dear friend's life.
    If you feel inclined, offer your help in anyway you see fit, and when the day comes, remember how happy you are for your friend.

    Good luck!
    jendemeyer
  • I understand that this probably hurts, but I can also understand why the bride may not have asked you.  I had about 8 friends I would have asked to be in my wedding, but my FI wanted our sides to be even and he only had 4 guys.  (Personally I wouldn't have minded uneven sides.)  I chose my best friends from different aspects of my life.  I didn't discuss with those I didn't select why I didn't ask them because I didn't want them to think they would have been my "next choice."  That hurts just as bad if not worse than not asking at all.  

    So, I wouldn't definitely not ask the bride...just as others have said.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Don't ask the bride. It definitely hurts when you realize you feel close to someone than they feel to you. Just let it go.
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    [Deleted User]
  • I actually will be in this position as the bride once I get closer to my wedding. I have chosen my bridal party already but haven't said anything to them. I have a girl I am friends with from a youth group who expects to be a BM. When we were 16, a boy I was dating told her she would be a BM when he and I got married(I didn't know about this until years after he and I broke up which was all of 9 months after we started dating).

    Ultimately I decided that I wouldn't say anything to her about it because there isn't anything I could say that would make her less hurt. 3 of my 4 friends, I am asking to be BMs, I have known less time than her but I am alot closer to them. She says that if she ever gets married she would have me as a BM, but I doubt she would.

    I wouldn't ask her about because do you really want the answer?
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
    s-aries8990
  • It hurts, but you'll have to realize that you just aren't invited to every "birthday party."

    It sucks, and don't feel bad about being hurt, but don't ask about it because, as PP's have asked, do you REALLY want the answer? How would she have addressed the issue? Would she say "You and I are great friends and I really value you as a person, but I a) don't have enough room in my limo, b) am closer to these girls than I am to you, c) they're all the same height, d) I wanted even sides and you didn't make the cut." That won't make you feel any better.

    If you want to still be involved, offer your time/help/expertise on things she asks. If you're too hurt right now, don't worry about it.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Is there a reason you chose to nickname (for the purpose of this thread) your close friend Big T? That seems... I don't know. Judgmental? Is there something else going on between you and her that compelled you to tell people she's big?



    Anniversary
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    image
  • Try to get over it. I know it hurts your feelings, but the best thing you can do is just shrug and realize that it wasn't meant to be and now you can enjoy the wedding without all the extra expense and work of being a bridesmaid- I know you would have been happy to do it but sometimes not being a bridesmaid is a blessing. You still have a great friendship with her and I'm sure she'll appreciate your support with any wedding and maybe even bridesmaid stress.

    I lost my best friend over this issue- I regret it so much. It is totally my fault- I was beyond offended that she didn't ask me especially because she had told me before that she would want me to be her MOH and then when she got engaged she asked a newer friend. That led to us having a fight and she didn't like me stressing her out about it (she had lots of wedding-planning stress that I was oblivious to and the last thing she needed was someone getting upset that she didn't ask them to be in her wedding party.) So a lot of time went by without us talking and then I went through something very tough and was so mad she wasn't there for me during that time, and she didn't have me there for her during wedding planning and I wasn't even at the wedding in the end.If I could go back in time I wouldn't have let it bother me one bit and hopefully we'd still be friends. What a dumb thing to lose a friend over. Hope you do better than I did. I was young (19) but I was old enough to know better. We tried to reconcile after and we 'made up' but we were never able to really become friends again. Makes me so sad!
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • I am currently a bride in a similar position as your friend, but I chose to handle it a different way. I am a slightly older bride amongst my friends, and have been a BM in 9 of their weddings over the past 7 years. I am having a smaller and more intimate wedding than most of them did, and have chosen a small bridal party of 3 friends. Upon making this decision, I had conversations with each married friend explaining to them that my wedding will be small, my fiance has chosen only two groomsmen, and that I respected the fact that they had children and houses and finances and did not want to put an additional burden on them to participate. Most of them said they understood, and even offered to help. One of them said that she understood but was hurt by it. I ended up asking her to have a special role in the ceremony (not because i felt guilty, but because she was truly the best person for the job) to which she agreed. We've been good ever since.

    I was nervous as hell to have these conversations because all of these women have meant alot to me over the years, but I felt relieved once we spoke about it. The situation would've been much worse if I ignored it and hoped that everyone magically understood, like your friend has done. Here we are one month before my wedding, and all my friendships are exactly the same as they would've been regardless of the bridal party decisions I made. I have even been asked to be a BM in another friend's wedding next year who is not part of mine. Relationships change over the years, and I think that people pick their wedding party to conform to their own vision of their perfect wedding day. As long as everyone is nice about it and respectful to friendships, then to each their own.  

    jendemeyer
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