How soon is "too soon" to remarry after the 1st divorce?

americana+brasileiro

I was married in June of '11 to the father of my 2 children.   The marriage lasted for 9 months and ended in March '12 (He physically and assaulted me and I pressed charges).  Most of my family never liked my first husband and doomed the marriage to fail.. and rightfully so... I was only getting married because I thought it was the right thing to do for my children.  I was not in love, in fact i really hated the guy deep down for various reasons....

I met my dream guy in August '12, and have been madly in love ever since.  I knew about 2 weeks in that he was my soul mate and that we would eventually marry.   I started the divorce proceedings right away and I am now officially divorced (August '13).   He and and I have already discussed getting married and want to do so ASAP.   Is it too soon to get remarried?   I know my mom will think it's "embarrassing" to her and my family that I want to marry again...  I'm sure I'm leaving out details but feel free to ask questions... 

MikesAngie

Long story short just in case you find my answers not to your liking.  You married the father of your two children because you thought it was the right thing to do the marriage lasted 9 months during which he assaulted you. You pressed charges and left (good for you by the way), and that was March 2012.  You met your BF in August 2012 and filed for divorce and it was finalized recently. Now you want to know if it is too soon to get married, to your current BF. 

Between March 2012 and August 2012 did you seek out counseling?  The reason I ask is that you were abused, and definitely need time to heal, get to know yourself so you don't fall into the same trap again. 

What are the ages of your children?  Did they witness what your ex did?  If so did you take them to counseling?  You don't want them play acting or acting out something awful that they saw. 

You have been with this man for a year, how is he with your children?  How does your family feel about him (I assume they have met him)?  

What are your current thoughts about type of wedding and when? 

americana+brasileiro

Yes I did counseling.   It was an isolated incident (meaning it never got that physical before that).  I didn't stand for it and called the cops and had him arrested.  

My children are 3 and 5.  They witnessed it but I'm sure don't remember it.  I didn't do counseling because they are so young. They have never acted out about it and of course I talked to them about it on several occasions.

This guy is truly amazing with my children (better than their own father), takes care of them and loves them like his own.  Although my famil (mainly my mom) was skeptical at first (because of the circumstances and timing with my X), they completely adore him now.  The differences between him and my X are uncountable.  He is a a true knight in shining armor.  

This would be his first wedding.  He is from Brazil.  I am thinking a small affair with close family... but invite all of his family from Brazil.   A focus on the ceremony and the marriage as a celebration of love, (as opposed to a focus on the reception and guests, dress, etc).   Maybe 3-6 months for the wedding. I don't want to wait and neither does he.

MayDay513

americana+brasileiro said:

Yes I did counseling.   It was an isolated incident (meaning it never got that physical before that).  I didn't stand for it and called the cops and had him arrested.  

My children are 3 and 5.  They witnessed it but I'm sure don't remember it.  I didn't do counseling because they are so young. They have never acted out about it and of course I talked to them about it on several occasions.

This guy is truly amazing with my children (better than their own father), takes care of them and loves them like his own.  Although my famil (mainly my mom) was skeptical at first (because of the circumstances and timing with my X), they completely adore him now.  The differences between him and my X are uncountable.  He is a a true knight in shining armor.  

This would be his first wedding.  He is from Brazil.  I am thinking a small affair with close family... but invite all of his family from Brazil.   A focus on the ceremony and the marriage as a celebration of love, (as opposed to a focus on the reception and guests, dress, etc).   Maybe 3-6 months for the wedding. I don't want to wait and neither does he.

Why don't you guys want to wait? What's the rush? Just curious. I don't see why not. I can see why people would side eye this, but it's honestly none of my business.

grumbledore

Ultimately, it is up to you.  But I would proceed with caution.  You've only been together a year and you got together on the tails of a traumatic experience.  I'm also a little concerned at your description of your BF as a "knight in shining armor" - if only because you went into this relationship undoubtedly scarred from the previous one and your judgment could be compromised.  I am certain that you love this man and sure, he could definitely be the one, but I would give it more time and be sure.

americana+brasileiro

I feel it's necessary to add that I've been diagnosed with MS recently.   I have the "life is too short" moto running loops in my head... or YOLO might be more appropriate for the younger age groups...  lol.   I just feel like "how often is this opportunity going to comes along?", "Am I going to miss this opportunity because of what other people think"?  "How much emphasis should I put on "what other people think" in my decision-making?"   Yes I am coming off a horrendous relationship booboo (me for getting married in the first place, him for acting out violently), but I feel like I am making the right decision... and maybe the best decision I could ever make.

   

MikesAngie

Glad you went to counseling.  That is a plus for you.  Good thing that the kids aren't acting out about the abuse. 

Another plus is that your BF is great with your kids, and that your family adores him.  

Why not take a year to plan your wedding?  Have some time to be engaged and enjoy that time and work on planning the wedding you both want.  I know that you are in a seize the moment frame of mind but at the same time there isn't a huge need to rush.  What stage is your MS in, and is your BF totally aware of your health issues?

Edited to read correctly to what I was thinking.

right1thistime

I think your MS complicates this issue - from the standpoint of your emotional wellness.  A new diagnosis of a potentially debilitating disease is scary.  Especially as a single mom to young kids.   It makes you vulnerable and perhaps, more dependent than you would normally be.  To me, that's a good reason to step back and slow this train down. 

One of the most valuable life lessons is independent living.  Have you lived alone, supporting yourself & your children.  Do you feel confident in your ability to do that?  You will be a better wife & mom if you get to that place. 

A good man will stand beside you and wait until you are ready.  ~Donna

clg1213

The PP make some very good points.

I'm going to go more general.....In my 20s (married at 28), I had a rule that I needed to date someone for 2 years before i'd even respond to a proposal.  As that approached, I added a preference for the proposal to be before 2.5y and def before 3y.  The big rule was about ensuring I could get to know him in a decade that's all about getting to now yourself.

I needed a few months of focused "me time" post-split.  I had this even before we formally filed which was a bit after we truly ended it.  I did get together w/ FI before the divorce (he actually came to support me in the hearing, esp since it meant an in-and-out trip to boston where i'd lived w/ X.

That aside, in my 30s. I said I needed 1 year before a ring.  I knew what I needed and what type of person would make for a better partner (sounds too scientific, it wwas actually ALL heart and emotion when it happened and someone slid into the spot.  FI waited 2.5y to ask, but that was fine by me.  Wedding will be about a year and a quarter from the "YES!"

I think only you can know what you need.  Make sure you have a steady hold on who you are and in helping your kids become who they will be.  THEN, make sure this man both adds to and enhances all that is already there.  This is NOT an easy task...I didn't hesitate with my Yes, but i'd thought and chatted plenty before.  It is all much harder (and more important) with kids.  It is kind of "work" but it really should be mostly fun stuff.

mrsalaskey

I was married for 18 years legally we split up shortly after our 17th anniversary that he forgot. He ended up filing for divorce March 2013 and it was final on June 2013. I met the love of my life Jan 2013 we are planning on getting married Oct 2014. I have 3 kids from my first marriage and they all get along with my FI and so does my Ex. If you are in love then everything else will follow suit.

WonderRed

I have friends who were healthy and ready within a year or two and know others who still aren't ready fifteen years later.     For me, personally, I wasn't even ready to date anyone seriously for four and a half years after I left XH, let alone get married.  It will be six years since I left XH when FI and I get married.    I think only you can answer that for yourself, but pps have made some very good points.

grumbledore

mrsalaskey said:

I was married for 18 years legally we split up shortly after our 17th anniversary that he forgot. He ended up filing for divorce March 2013 and it was final on June 2013. I met the love of my life Jan 2013 we are planning on getting married Oct 2014. I have 3 kids from my first marriage and they all get along with my FI and so does my Ex. If you are in love then everything else will follow suit.

While it is entirely possible for it to work out, I don't think this is good advice.  Love doesn't always conquer all.  Sometimes love can't conquer a history of abuse, a need for therapy, a psychologically challenging medical diagnosis...   While I have no doubt that everyone here is in love with their partners, there are other issues to consider before making the commitment of marriage.

photokitty

Without debating whether you should or shouldn't - that's up to you - but how soon is too soon opinio wise...

I'd say once the divorce is final you're good to go. Doesn't mean you SHOULD, that others will agree - here or in real life - but no one can live your life, but you!

Life is too short to be unhappy! I wish you the best luck and wisdom as you start this journey!

patience bre

My husband and I will be getting married for the 2nd time. My 1st marriage was 14 years, 4 of the years I was seperated. My divorce was final on July 3, 2013. I am engaged and will be geting married in September 2015. My husband to be wants us to get married next year but due to finances we decided to elope and have a big reception. As far as when the time is right to marry after divorce that depends on the two of you. Love has no time limit neither does the heart, it will continue to beat strong no mater who you decide to let in. If you two are honest about each other, can't see yourself with no one else, Set the date and live. What others think when you should and shouldn't not matter. It's not about pleasing others it's about the two of you. The heart wants what it wants. So do what your heart feels for. My parents married the same year they met. They were in love jus like on the Cosby's Show. After my dad died, my mom said there is no other man who can take the place of your dad. She has never remarried. Time waits for no one so why should you. Stay forever blessed.         

Tricia0203

I was thinking the same thing. My divorce was final in 10/11, I met my BF in 2/12, moved in together about 6 months later, now almost after a year of living together, we are looking at rings & dates.   We are waiting until 2017, but that is because of the house that is in foreclosure because of my divorce.  It might not be done until 2015 and I want to be sure that if there are tax consequences, he won't be impacted if we are married.  But if it wasn't for that, I would be at city hall tomorrow!  lol    My family thought I was nuts, I was with my ex for 13 years, he left me in the worst possible way, broke my heart, crushed me.  Then I met my BF and realized what love should be.  So if you feel it's right, you are the only one who can judge for yourself.  

MuppetOverlord

I got divorced within a year of my first marriage. I spent the next 3 years looking for the right relationship, and 2 more years confirming it was what I wanted for life.

I think you are jumping the gun. There's no harm in having a long engagement. You don't need to be married to have a valid, meaningful relationship.

 

patience bre

WOW! well good for you. My husband to be wants us to marry next year, but I want us to have an healthy start. I'm clearing up debt that was caused by my ex husband during our divorced. I don't want anything that has to do with my past to alter my future. Although he wants to help me by paying and clearing everything but I want and must do this for myself. The good thing about my honey bunny, we've known each other sense we were fourteen, he has been wanting me sense then. He can't wait to be my husband so for him to wait until 2015 is a bit much lol. He truly understands what this means for me, It's just another part of my growth.

nurseangie2

Having some time to heal would be helpful.  You want to come into your new marriage fresh and happy! I met my fiancé about a year after my ex and I split.  We dated for two years, became engaged after two years and have been engaged for another two.  I have loved having that time to heal and get new perspective on life! 

Jells2dot0

I think a lot of it has to do with where you are in life and your age as to whether you should just in head first or wait. The more mature, settled and established you are, the more it might make sense to not wait. I think those that are younger or have younger kids should really take their time to figure things out. I married my ex when I was 24 and divorced 2 years later. I happened to meet my now DH during my divorce process. Oddly enough, he was asked by a friend of mine to help me navigate the process as he was divorced a few years earlier. We fell madly in love almost immediately and wanted to get married as soon as my divorce was final. However, he had two kids that were 13 and 10, I was only 26, and part of the reason my first marriage didn't work was immaturity and just growing as a person. So, we decided to wait until his oldest daughter was out of high school. This was not only because I needed time to heal, but also because his oldest daughter was very troubled with her parent's divorce and her mom not only left her dad, but also tossed the kids aside as well. Anyway, we met in 2006, got formally engaged in 2010 and married in 2012. I cannot tell you how fantastic it was to wait. I learned so much about myself and about our relationship. We were both able to heal from our previous marriages and the time we took allowd the kids to really adjust as well. They are both now out of the house and doing well! Having the time to build our relationship really made the actual ceremony that much more meaningful. We had been through A LOT together and were in the perfect place to make it official!

4Monsters

I was married for just shy of 12 years, and my fiance for just over 13.  I am currently in the middle of a divorce, as is he... It's kind of how we met - neighbours/acquaintances who've known each other for years through the kids... Both of our marriages ending, we started chatting, and things moved very quickly but everything has felt so right!  We've been together 7 months.  He moved in 5 months ago .  He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me and though I know it sounds crazy to others, we are planning to get married as soon as both of our divorces are final.

MikesAngie

@4Monsters.... I read your post about eloping and this one about how soon is too soon,  One question comes to mind.  Why did your marriage end?  Was it already dead and on life support and you decided to pull the plug - (not judging that happens)?  Did you initiate it, was it discussed or out of the blue?  The reason I am asking is there is a certain amount of healing and regrouping that should happen when one goes through a divorce especially when young children are involved. 

Those that have followed my posts know that my DH and I reunited while our divorces were in full swing. My DH's xW starting cheating in July 08 with an xBF from her high school days she was almost 50 (she was an alcoholic and climbed into the bottle in 1996 it killed her in 2012),  My xH had been eroding our marriage for the first 4.5 years; he was told he needed to quit asking for the same Xmas/NYE present or I would give him exactly that.  He started the "I want a divorce" game again one month after we had our 9 year anniversary, that is when he met his mistress.  

By the time April '09 rolled around I had been to see a counselor (mentally and emotionally sound thank you), filed for divorce and my now DH had done the same.  We were not in a hurry to get married (no reason to be and I wasn't convinced that I wanted to be married again period).  What convinced me to agree to his proposal wasn't the pressure from family on both sides or his DD - but how I felt when I was with him.  We were engaged in April '10 and married in April '11. 

4Monsters

@MikesAngie...  This may get a bit long but I don't mind explaining lol
My situation is a little odd... We got married way too young (at 20 and 22) and tried for many years to work things out, really the better part of the last 7 years have been very rough.  My soon-to-be-ex slept on the couch for most of the last 4 1/2 years.  My marriage had really been over for a long time.  We'd been living separate lives for a while, living just as roommates, and as time went on, we both started seeing other people.  I was the one that originally initiated 'the end'.  He suggested at the time we stay together because separating would have been very difficult for both of us financially.  So we stayed together for financial reasons.  We were 'comfortable' in other aspects of our lives and it was just easier... However we both knew that if we were seeing other people, a time would come when one of us would meet someone we wanted to move on with and when that happened, we would legally end things.  That happened when I started seeing my fiance.  Very soon after, my soon-to-be-ex re-connected with a good friend from highschool and they are now planning to move in together.  He and I are still good friends, but have been nothing more for many years.  Too many years really... I mourned the end of my marriage years ago. 

My fiance was in a similar boat, though definitely not the same situation .  Their marriage was hanging by a thread for years and they had discussed splitting up a few times... but being financially comfortable, they had stayed together, with him living in the basement, and both of them doing their own things.  Their marriage had been over for about a year when he decided he needed to move out.  We started seeing each other soon afterwards.

It's one of those things that neither of us expected... neither one of us were looking for a new 'forever' relationship.  Just something casual at best... but we very quickly realized how much we had in common and everything has just moved so smoothly since day 1.  Quick, for sure... ideal given that we both have kids?  Probably not... But the kids have all done remarkably well. 

MikesAngie

@4Monsters - Thanks for the clarification.  Glad the kids are doing well. I didn't want to make assumptions about things that was the reason for all the questions. Thanks for answering! (-:

carrotsmakemefat14

i was also in an abusive relationship. i am just now ready, 3 years post divorce. i've been dating my FI longer than i was married  

ADoyle16

I was also in an abusive marriage, and I consider myself fortunate that I didn't have children with my ex. Still, I wasn't ready to date anyone, let alone even think about marriage for a year after the divorce was finalized. I also got counseling, and now my fiancee and I had been dating for almost a decade now, and have recently decided to get married. Before I started dating my fiancee, I dated someone else who talked about getting married after 2 weeks of dating, so I quickly ended that relationship since I wasn't ready at the time. I'm glad I did that as I'm now with someone who treats me as an equal, and was willing to wait until both of us were ready before even discussing marriage.

right1thistime

All I get from this (besides that it is 3 months old) is that the OP wrote her "first divorce".  As in, there will be more than one.