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Second Weddings
americana+brasileiro
member
How soon is "too soon" to remarry after the 1st divorce?
I was married in June of '11 to the father of my 2 children. The marriage lasted for 9 months and ended in March '12 (He physically and assaulted me and I pressed charges). Most of my family never liked my first husband and doomed the marriage to fail.. and rightfully so... I was only getting married because I thought it was the right thing to do for my children. I was not in love, in fact i really hated the guy deep down for various reasons....
I met my dream guy in August '12, and have been madly in love ever since. I knew about 2 weeks in that he was my soul mate and that we would eventually marry. I started the divorce proceedings right away and I am now officially divorced (August '13). He and and I have already discussed getting married and want to do so ASAP. Is it too soon to get remarried? I know my mom will think it's "embarrassing" to her and my family that I want to marry again... I'm sure I'm leaving out details but feel free to ask questions...
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Re: How soon is "too soon" to remarry after the 1st divorce?
I think your MS complicates this issue - from the standpoint of your emotional wellness. A new diagnosis of a potentially debilitating disease is scary. Especially as a single mom to young kids. It makes you vulnerable and perhaps, more dependent than you would normally be. To me, that's a good reason to step back and slow this train down.
One of the most valuable life lessons is independent living. Have you lived alone, supporting yourself & your children. Do you feel confident in your ability to do that? You will be a better wife & mom if you get to that place.
A good man will stand beside you and wait until you are ready. ~Donna
The PP make some very good points.
I'm going to go more general.....In my 20s (married at 28), I had a rule that I needed to date someone for 2 years before i'd even respond to a proposal. As that approached, I added a preference for the proposal to be before 2.5y and def before 3y. The big rule was about ensuring I could get to know him in a decade that's all about getting to now yourself.
I needed a few months of focused "me time" post-split. I had this even before we formally filed which was a bit after we truly ended it. I did get together w/ FI before the divorce (he actually came to support me in the hearing, esp since it meant an in-and-out trip to boston where i'd lived w/ X.
That aside, in my 30s. I said I needed 1 year before a ring. I knew what I needed and what type of person would make for a better partner (sounds too scientific, it wwas actually ALL heart and emotion when it happened and someone slid into the spot. FI waited 2.5y to ask, but that was fine by me. Wedding will be about a year and a quarter from the "YES!"
I think only you can know what you need. Make sure you have a steady hold on who you are and in helping your kids become who they will be. THEN, make sure this man both adds to and enhances all that is already there. This is NOT an easy task...I didn't hesitate with my Yes, but i'd thought and chatted plenty before. It is all much harder (and more important) with kids. It is kind of "work" but it really should be mostly fun stuff.
I got divorced within a year of my first marriage. I spent the next 3 years looking for the right relationship, and 2 more years confirming it was what I wanted for life.
I think you are jumping the gun. There's no harm in having a long engagement. You don't need to be married to have a valid, meaningful relationship.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
My situation is a little odd... We got married way too young (at 20 and 22) and tried for many years to work things out, really the better part of the last 7 years have been very rough. My soon-to-be-ex slept on the couch for most of the last 4 1/2 years. My marriage had really been over for a long time. We'd been living separate lives for a while, living just as roommates, and as time went on, we both started seeing other people. I was the one that originally initiated 'the end'. He suggested at the time we stay together because separating would have been very difficult for both of us financially. So we stayed together for financial reasons. We were 'comfortable' in other aspects of our lives and it was just easier... However we both knew that if we were seeing other people, a time would come when one of us would meet someone we wanted to move on with and when that happened, we would legally end things. That happened when I started seeing my fiance. Very soon after, my soon-to-be-ex re-connected with a good friend from highschool and they are now planning to move in together. He and I are still good friends, but have been nothing more for many years. Too many years really... I mourned the end of my marriage years ago.
My fiance was in a similar boat, though definitely not the same situation
It's one of those things that neither of us expected... neither one of us were looking for a new 'forever' relationship. Just something casual at best... but we very quickly realized how much we had in common and everything has just moved so smoothly since day 1. Quick, for sure... ideal given that we both have kids? Probably not... But the kids have all done remarkably well.