How to handle family member wanting to bring their baby

pibetafly09

zobird said:

Well there is a third option to present to you cousin. It ALL depends on what, where, and the type of venue you have.

Rather then bring the baby to the nanny, is it possible to bring the nanny to the baby? Maybe your cousin will be more comfortable with the baby on site, in another area/room at the venue where she can check on him/her?

 IF that is at all possible and I hope it is. 

You go to your cousin, and before you tell her the option and Start with, "I HAVE a solution" and I'm so excited, because NOT only do YOU!! get to be there, BUT, I was probably in the WORSET predicament I have EVER been in, in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (very quickly go into explaining) I was freaking out...My FI BOSS (or some very important family member) called my FI just the other day to say; "That their sitter had CANCELED, and was there ANYWAY way possible they could bring their kids. I KNOW My FI felt so bad, he told them NO they couldn't. So you could Imagine why I was FREAKING out so bad! I mean seriously, what a way to start a marriage. I tell My FI, to tell his family NO. THEN, MY cousin shows up with a BABY !! YEAH I WAS FREAKING OUT!! BUT at least we have enough time to call them, and let know the nanny I coming here.

If she says "NO I STILL don't want to leave him/her' Well then at least you get to see how much your cousins care about you. After hearing what you just told her, she should turn around and walk out. IF she has the NERVE to ask again, I would have her THROWN OUT!!!!

What is this even?

I was wondering the same thing. I tried to read it several times but she lost me somewhere around the making up a story about the boss...

pibetafly09

loves2shop4shoes said:

I disagree with the others.

I would not shell out a dime for her childcare.  Are you paying for the childcare of the other guests who DIDN'T try to manipulate you?  No.

So why does she get financial help?

I call bullshit.

I'd call her up and tell her, in no uncertain terms, "The wedding is adults only.  I am not making an exception for you because that will offend all of the other guests who had to find childcare.  If you cannot find childcare that you are comfortable with, we will miss having you at our wedding.  If you arrive at our wedding with the baby, you will be escorted out, Junior in tow."

What a manipulative gem

This. 100%

Unless your cousin is seriously struggling financially, there should be no reason why her childcare is paid for and not anyone else's. 

MobKaz

KickAssMOH said:

Revisiting this issue - I am now 1 week out from my wedding date and just today my cousin contacted the two sitters I reccommended (I gave her their contact info over 2 months ago). One of them is "overpriced" in her opinion, and the other is no longer available. She refuses to leave her child with a stranger, so unless I know the person (or lie to her?) then she will not hire them. So, I really have no one left who I can reccommend.

I believe my cousin's plan is to now bring her child into my wedding because she "has no other choice."

UGH WEDDINGS! 

This is a grown ass woman playing manipulative mind games with you.  It sounds to me as if she is used to getting her way.  I would have stopped the game the minute she called your father, quite honestly.  She is making one excuse after another in the hopes you will cry "uncle".  Please stop her cycle of bull scheisse.  You have already been more than accommodating.  It should not be your responsibility to find and provide childcare in the first place.  I encourage you to stick to your guns on this one, for the sake of your friends who have shown you respect.

mikencindy

Id be pretty upset..No. Just say No. Put your foot down

cmelliott

Yes, do not give in! If you give in, she knows she could walk all over you in future situations. And definitely if other guests know the no children rule, they would be highly offended (at least I would). I'm sorry she's doing this to you, I honestly don't know why she wouldn't want an adult night to herself. I agree with the PP about either paying the difference, or if you don't even want to stoop to that level of accommodation, then tell her you've told her the rules and if it's something she can't do, then you'll miss her at the wedding.

hacked

I would just like to add this, from something told to me by a friend whose daughter got married and they had a nanny in the bridal suite.

Do not leave anything of value- credit cards, jewelry, etc. in the room with the nanny.  You can never bee to careful.

palrmt

I would stand my ground just because having her father go to your father is childish and would piss me off.  Maybe, and its a big maybe, if she came to me personally and said she couldn't afford the childcare I might offer to help out with the cost.  But since she has been playing these manipulative games, there's not a chance in hell I would help.  I would firmly stand my ground and let her know I will miss her.  I did not have children at my wedding either, and I had several people ask.  One of my BM's had a 2 yr old at the time and never once questioned it.  She made arrangements with her husband's family who were more than happy to spend time with him.  Obviously that is not an option for her but I wouldn't budge on this.  It was something I was firm on.

KickAssMOH

Thank you everyone for your helpful words!!! 4 days until wedding and we have reached a resolution I found a cheaper and highly qualified nanny (also a friend of mine) and my cousin still declined. She finally admitted that it is not the price that matters, but that she just does not feel comfortable leaving her child with someone new. She is coming to town for the weekend festivities and to see the family, and will be attending the RD with her dear child in tow, but she will skip the reception. I told her i understood, and then offered to cover for whatever she chooses for dinner that night - room service or other. We are all good thanks again for helping me stand my ground whilst not acting like a bridezilla.

aurorajanette

KickAssMOH said:

Thank you everyone for your helpful words!!! 4 days until wedding and we have reached a resolution I found a cheaper and highly qualified nanny (also a friend of mine) and my cousin still declined. She finally admitted that it is not the price that matters, but that she just does not feel comfortable leaving her child with someone new. She is coming to town for the weekend festivities and to see the family, and will be attending the RD with her dear child in tow, but she will skip the reception. I told her i understood, and then offered to cover for whatever she chooses for dinner that night - room service or other. We are all good thanks again for helping me stand my ground whilst not acting like a bridezilla.

Wow, that is generous of you. I feel like I wouldn't be that kind, especially considering what a hard time she gave you. She is lucky to have such an understanding cousin!

KickAssMOH

am i secretly thrilled to save $200 on her meal and drinks? OF COURSE I am. Head count due today, so we solved it just in time!

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

So while your cousin was a pain in the butt and handled it terribly there is probably a lesson in here somewhere.

In the end the issue was she didn't want to leave her child with someone she didn't know - a perfectly valid parental decision. But she was traveling and wanted to hang out with her family. Depending on the circumstance - and attitude - it probably wouldn't hurt some couples to be a little flexible for OOT guests with children.

I disagree.  Even traveling parents are not entitled to bring their children-or expect to bring their children-where they aren't invited just because they don't trust other people to take care of them.  That doesn't make it the responsibility of couples to be "flexible,"  It is a decision every parent has to make on their own-do I leave my child with someone else? without involving the hosts.  And if the answer is no, then the polite response is to decline the invitation-not to pressure the hosts to bend their rules.

banana468

scribe95 said:

So while your cousin was a pain in the butt and handled it terribly there is probably a lesson in here somewhere.

In the end the issue was she didn't want to leave her child with someone she didn't know - a perfectly valid parental decision. But she was traveling and wanted to hang out with her family. Depending on the circumstance - and attitude - it probably wouldn't hurt some couples to be a little flexible for OOT guests with children.

So the hosts are the ones that need to be flexible and not the guests?

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

I think it's not a terrible thing to be flexible for traveling guests, yes. I just think I personally would always err on the side on family being able to attend.

While it's not a "terrible thing," it's also "not a terrible thing" if the hosts neither invite kids nor arrange for babysitting for them.  Sometimes it's something they just can't swing.  Parents who really want to attend weddings, including out-of-town family weddings, just need to accept that if their kids aren't invited, then they have to make their own arrangements for the kids without involving the hosts, and if they can't or won't do that, then they need to decline the invitation.

KickAssMOH

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

So while your cousin was a pain in the butt and handled it terribly there is probably a lesson in here somewhere.

In the end the issue was she didn't want to leave her child with someone she didn't know - a perfectly valid parental decision. But she was traveling and wanted to hang out with her family. Depending on the circumstance - and attitude - it probably wouldn't hurt some couples to be a little flexible for OOT guests with children.

I disagree.  Even traveling parents are not entitled to bring their children-or expect to bring their children-where they aren't invited just because they don't trust other people to take care of them.  That doesn't make it the responsibility of couples to be "flexible,"  It is a decision every parent has to make on their own-do I leave my child with someone else? without involving the hosts.  And if the answer is no, then the polite response is to decline the invitation-not to pressure the hosts to bend their rules.

I agree, but also it depends on the situation. FI's parents are footing more than half the cost of the wedding, and preferred "no kids whatsoever". The cousin in question is family on my side, but we aren't that close. If we were making any type of exception, I would've preffered to include my best friends' babies whom I love like family.  

Jen4948

If couples are willing to accommodate children, more power to them.

It's just that it's totally unreasonable for your cousin or anyone else to expect you or any other couple to be flexible when they aren't willing to be because they're not willing to respect your decision not to have kids at the wedding.

banana468

scribe95 said:

I think it's not a terrible thing to be flexible for traveling guests, yes. I just think I personally would always err on the side on family being able to attend.

That's fine that you would do that.

However any parent needs to know that 1, just because they have a child does not mean that every host wants to have him/her at events so 2, they either need to decline events that are adult occasions or simply not attend.

What this mother did was underhanded and rude. She's also not helping the rest of us who are parents who understand the rules.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

I think I made very clear that I wasn't talking about this situation specifically. And I said it depends on the circumstances and how it is handled.

All I said is that for travelings guests with kids the situation is a little more complicated and flexibility is not a bad thing. I still believe that.

While it's not a bad thing (I don't disagree with you about that), it doesn't obligate hosts to be flexible either.  It does obligate the parents to recognize that and come up with their own solutions that don't involve asking the hosts about bringing the kids to the wedding if the hosts aren't flexible.

antibride2013

I agree with you @scribe95.  Weddings tend to be family events.  There are parents that will not leave their little ones no matter what.  And I agree and respect when invites come in for a wedding where my children aren't invited.  Heck- I usually go to weddings without my children even if they are invited!  But when I would have traveled to my cousin's wedding out of state and my kids weren't invited, although I was insulted, I respected the couple and declined the invitiation because I was not leaving my small children 1,000 miles away.  Even though I kept my disgust about the brides decision (she isn't very family orientated) to myself, I respected their wishes and politely declined.  I was the one who was cussed out by my aunt for not attending, because we have a VERY small family and because of their decision to not invite kids, 80% of our family declined. 

I do think this cousin was a bit rude for not coming out and saying they didn't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers. There are parents out there that do not think their kiddos are special little snowflakes!!! 

Jen4948

antibride2013 said:

I agree with you @scribe95.  Weddings tend to be family events.  There are parents that will not leave their little ones no matter what.  And I agree and respect when invites come in for a wedding where my children aren't invited.  Heck- I usually go to weddings without my children even if they are invited!  But when I would have traveled to my cousin's wedding out of state and my kids weren't invited, although I was insulted, I respected the couple and declined the invitiation because I was not leaving my small children 1,000 miles away.  Even though I kept my disgust about the brides decision (she isn't very family orientated) to myself, I respected their wishes and politely declined.  I was the one who was cussed out by my aunt for not attending, because we have a VERY small family and because of their decision to not invite kids, 80% of our family declined. 

I do think this cousin was a bit rude for not coming out and saying they didn't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers. There are parents out there that do not think their kiddos are special little snowflakes!!! 

To the first bolded: Not always.
To the second bolded: So what?  They are not entitled to expect that their children be invited everywhere.  If they don't want to attend without their children, they can decline the invitation or find someone they do trust to babysit their children.  They do not have the option of pressuring the hosts to invite them.

antibride2013

@Jen4948- I completely agree they should never pressure the hosts to invite their children.  That is very wrong.  No disagreement here!

Jen4948

antibride2013 said:

@Jen4948- I completely agree they should never pressure the hosts to invite their children.  That is very wrong.  No disagreement here!

Glad we agree!

MrsMack10612

antibride2013 said:

I agree with you @scribe95.  Weddings tend to be family events.  There are parents that will not leave their little ones no matter what.  And I agree and respect when invites come in for a wedding where my children aren't invited.  Heck- I usually go to weddings without my children even if they are invited!  But when I would have traveled to my cousin's wedding out of state and my kids weren't invited, although I was insulted, I respected the couple and declined the invitiation because I was not leaving my small children 1,000 miles away.  Even though I kept my disgust about the brides decision (she isn't very family orientated) to myself, I respected their wishes and politely declined.  I was the one who was cussed out by my aunt for not attending, because we have a VERY small family and because of their decision to not invite kids, 80% of our family declined. 

I do think this cousin was a bit rude for not coming out and saying they didn't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers. There are parents out there that do not think their kiddos are special little snowflakes!!! 

Your cousin did nothing wrong with not inviting children.  She was not obligated to invite yours or anyone else's children.  There was nothing rude or disgusting about not inviting them.

NYCBruin

antibride2013 said:

I agree with you @scribe95.  Weddings tend to be family events.  There are parents that will not leave their little ones no matter what.  And I agree and respect when invites come in for a wedding where my children aren't invited.  Heck- I usually go to weddings without my children even if they are invited!  But when I would have traveled to my cousin's wedding out of state and my kids weren't invited, although I was insulted, I respected the couple and declined the invitiation because I was not leaving my small children 1,000 miles away.  Even though I kept my disgust about the brides decision (she isn't very family orientated) to myself, I respected their wishes and politely declined.  I was the one who was cussed out by my aunt for not attending, because we have a VERY small family and because of their decision to not invite kids, 80% of our family declined. 

I do think this cousin was a bit rude for not coming out and saying they didn't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers. There are parents out there that do not think their kiddos are special little snowflakes!!! 

Honest question: what is insulting about receiving a wedding invitation that did not include your children?

antibride2013

@NYCBruin-I was insulted because our family is small and extremely close.  My cousin (the groom in this matter) is my ONLY cousin.  We were literally raised like siblings.  This horrible woman he married (NO ONE likes her) wouldn't know what a family was if it smacked her in the face.  My cousin refers to my children as his nephews, and he is their uncle.  He wanted to invite all his nephews and neices (my sisters' kids and mine) because he knows weddings (in our family anyway) are a family event.  His wife would not have it. 

So out of my sisters and I (4 of us) only 1 of us went to his wedding because the rest of us have kids.  My mom ended up not even going.  My grandmother was so humiliated and embarrassed at the wedding because everyone was talking about how shameful the bride was by excluding so much of the family.  I never once said ANYTHING to the couple though-Nor did any of my sisters push to have our children invited.  We respected the couple.

I did however get cussed out by my aunt because I didn't send the bride a shower gift or give them a wedding gift.  I sent a beautiful card with a meaningful note written to my cousin.  Go figure......

NYCBruin

antibride2013 said:

@NYCBruin-I was insulted because our family is small and extremely close.  My cousin (the groom in this matter) is my ONLY cousin.  We were literally raised like siblings.  This horrible woman he married (NO ONE likes her) wouldn't know what a family was if it smacked her in the face.  My cousin refers to my children as his nephews, and he is their uncle.  He wanted to invite all his nephews and neices (my sisters' kids and mine) because he knows weddings (in our family anyway) are a family event.  His wife would not have it. 

So out of my sisters and I (4 of us) only 1 of us went to his wedding because the rest of us have kids.  My mom ended up not even going.  My grandmother was so humiliated and embarrassed at the wedding because everyone was talking about how shameful the bride was by excluding so much of the family.  I never once said ANYTHING to the couple though-Nor did any of my sisters push to have our children invited.  We respected the couple.

I did however get cussed out by my aunt because I didn't send the bride a shower gift or give them a wedding gift.  I sent a beautiful card with a meaningful note written to my cousin.  Go figure......

I get being insulted by being cussed out, but I still don't see why it was an insult to not have your children invited.  It's not like everyone else's children were invited and yours weren't.  The couple wanted an adult only reception, there's nothing insulting about that.

It sounds like you really don't like your cousin's wife.  This feels like it's more about your dislike of her than your children not being invited IMHO.

southernbelle0915

antibride2013 said:

@NYCBruin-I was insulted because our family is small and extremely close. Obviously your cousin agreed to having only adults - which is perfectly acceptable and within etiquette. My cousin (the groom in this matter) is my ONLY cousin.  We were literally raised like siblings.  This horrible woman he married (NO ONE likes her) wouldn't know what a family was if it smacked her in the face. This sounds extremely judgy. It's incredibly sad that she doesn't know what a family is. My cousin refers to my children as his nephews, and he is their uncle.  He wanted to invite all his nephews and neices (my sisters' kids and mine) because he knows weddings (in our family anyway) are a family event.  His wife would not have it. Reflect on this for a moment - this is a choice they made for their wedding. You don't know the whole story. Even if she did stand firm on this (whatever her reasons are - budget, venue size, personal preference, etc.), your cousin AGREED to it because he wants to marry this woman. 

So out of my sisters and I (4 of us) only 1 of us went to his wedding because the rest of us have kids.  My mom ended up not even going.  My grandmother was so humiliated and embarrassed at the wedding because everyone was talking about how shameful the bride was by excluding so much of the family. How incredibly disrespectful and rude of these people to be trash talking the bride simply because THE COUPLE decided not to have children at their wedding. I never once said ANYTHING to the couple though-Nor did any of my sisters push to have our children invited.  We respected the couple.

I did however get cussed out by my aunt because I didn't send the bride a shower gift or give them a wedding gift.  I sent a beautiful card with a meaningful note written to my cousin. Why did you only write a note to your cousin? How incredibly offensive to not include his bride in their wedding card. Go figure......

Honestly, this situation sounds to me like YOUR family was really rude and noninclusive of your cousin's now wife. These actions and attitudes probably make your cousin feel incredibly torn and in a very difficult situation. I feel bad for him and I feel bad for his wife.

banana468

Well, it was wrong of your aunt to do that but you are supposed to give a gift. They aren't to be expected but if this guy is like a brother to you I'd wonder why you didn't give him something.

I also don't get why your cousin's adult only guest list meant you couldn't attend.

antibride2013

I was insulted more because she knew that most of his family would not be able to come.  I live in KY, my sisters live in Colorado, and the wedding was in New York.  I wasn't going to leave my children, neither were my sisters.  The only people we know in New York is all family, who would be at the wedding, so there was no one to watch the kids.  The bride KNEW that. That is where the insulted feelings come from. 

I go as many places as I can without my kids.  I do not even think I have ever brought them to a wedding that I have attended locally.  I have a babysitter.  The weddings they have gone to have been out of state, and of course, of FAMILY members.  Like I said, weddings in my family are family events.  Which also explains my grandmothers humiliation in regards to 80% of her family being excluded because of the bride. 

NYCBruin

antibride2013 said:

I was insulted more because she knew that most of his family would not be able to come.  I live in KY, my sisters live in Colorado, and the wedding was in New York.  I wasn't going to leave my children, neither were my sisters.  The only people we know in New York is all family, who would be at the wedding, so there was no one to watch the kids.  The bride KNEW that. That is where the insulted feelings come from. 

I go as many places as I can without my kids.  I do not even think I have ever brought them to a wedding that I have attended locally.  I have a babysitter.  The weddings they have gone to have been out of state, and of course, of FAMILY members.  Like I said, weddings in my family are family events.  Which also explains my grandmothers humiliation in regards to 80% of her family being excluded because of the bride. 

I understand that you don't like to leave your children with babysitters you don't know. That still doesn't make it the bride's fault you didn't attend. That was your choice. You could have attended, but you didn't want to leave your children with a new sitter.

banana468

Well no. 80% chose not to travel alone or use local sitters or use an overnight sitter so they could travel with their SOs.

It's incredibly sorry sighted to paint this as a rude unfeeling bride issue when she didn't do anything rude (based on the information stated).