Moms and Maids

Need help with mom

I am getting married next May and I have most of the details worked out in my head now we are finalizing everything. My mom insists that her friend(who will also be a guest) makes the food for the 200+ guest list. The reception venue does not have a kitchen, because it is a state park indoor/outdoor pavilion. She wants her friend to make everything a day or two in advance and heat it up the day of.

I have a issue with this for two reasons
1. I don"t want ANYONE to cook or bake ANYTHING for the wedding not even a guest!! (my sister made over 600 cupcakes for her own wedding the week of....cupcakes were great but it wasn't worth the stress)
2. I don't want old food that is just heated up. I want fresh, straight from the kitchen food.
Is that too crazy of me to ask that we just get a caterer? I am fine with drop-off buffet style food, because it is much cheaper than full service catering. And I have told her a million times that I don't want anyone cooking...and she argues with me every time.

I also have another issue with my dress. I tried on dresses at two different bridal salons, about 20 dresses total. I finally found a dress i fell in love with it has a beautiful one shoulder detail with flowers. I love it!! We put down a $100 deposit but wanted to go back to get fitted in a few weeks after I get back down to my pre-baby weight(I have a six month old) So today my mom shows me a dress she found on ebay for $150 dollars..thats a great deal because the one I picked is $850. okay not so bad right?? Well the dress is not the same...not really even close. It is strapless with no shoulder detail at all, and it is a totally different fit(more of a tight mermaid, not fit and flare like the one I picked)
My mom insists that we can add the details to make it exactly the same. Mind you she is no fashion designer, she has added stones and beads to pageant dresses for my little sisters, but not reconstruction. I am just so frustrated because I finally picked a dress and now she wants to change it. I have had lots of problems with dress commitment in the first place. I kept switching the style of dress I wanted anyway so now that I found one I love I just want to order it and be done!! 

She keeps talking about the budget and how if we cut costs on food and now this ebay dress then it will be easier to afford it.....the thing is my fiance and I plan on helping pay for the wedding, I also have a great god mother who wants to help and my future mother in law too. But she keeps insisting that it is her responsibility to pay for the whole thing and she gets offended when others want to help!

I don't know what to do anymore..I'm getting ready to take my fiance and our baby and head to the courthouse! UUUGHHHHH

Re: Need help with mom

  • 1.) Catering - Who's paying for the wedding? If you're paying, it's just fine to have drop-off buffet style food. If she's paying, well, she has a say over what happens, but you can outline your concerns.

    2.) Dress - Again, who's paying? If she's buying the dress, then she has say in it, but I would hold to the line of "I'm wearing it."

    It might be best to push everything back, drop your mom from helping, and save up till you and your FI can afford to pay for the wedding on your own. Whoever pays gets the say.
  • Three words that will make your life so much easier: Decline her money.
    Plan what you and your Fi can afford on your own then you don't have to worry about her opinions.
  • If she is paying she has say in these things; so if that is the case hopefully you guys can compromise a little to help make things less stressful.  Or, you can save money and if you are adamant on doing things a certain way then you need to be able to pay for them so she cannot argue.

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    As scary as her ideas are, if she's paying for the majority of it, and you guys are just "helping", then you're S.O.L. You can't really demand things that are out of someone else's budget. Now, if she's just saying it's her "responsibility" (b.s.) to pay, then kindly but firmly remind her that the responsibility lies with you and your fiance, and while you are overwhelmed with gratitude for her generosity, you two will be paying for the wedding yourselves, and you want her to relax and enjoy. Offer her something you know she's good at and will enjoy to take charge of if she wants "responsibility".
  • If your mother is paying for it, unfortunately she gets a say.

    If you don't want something she's "insisting" on then you need to pay for it yourself.  I'd do that and stop talking about the plans with her.  Paying is not her "responsibility."
  • Please beware of the dresses sold on ebay. They seem like a bargain, but many of them are Chinese knock-off dresses. Those factories rip off pictures from the actual designers on line galleries either for ebay or their own web sites. If the 'location of item' in China, stay away. There's a thread on the attire and accessories board that might interest you and your mom.

    There are also women who resell their used dresses on ebay. You may or may not get a good deal that way. 

    I would suggest that since you have found a dress that you love, that you pay for it yourself. That puts you in sole control of the dress decision.

    There's no way that I would burden a friend with making the food for a wedding, unless she a professional caterer and she will be paid for her efforts. There are too many things that can go wrong without the correct equipment, including running short of food, not having everything ready at the right time and food poisoning from food that hasn't been held at the correct temperature. Figure out what your budget is and get some cost estimates from caterers for various types of buffets. 

    Your mom sounds like she a penny wise and pound foolish. 

  • Thank you all for your input!! I think I had a temporary "Bridezilla" moment! I appreciate everything my mom is doing for me and I want her to be involved in the wedding planning. I decided to go the cheaper route with the wedding dress because I am only wearing this dress once and my mom doesn't need to spend $800 on a dress. Plus with the cheaper dress I am able to get the shoes and accessories I want. 

    As far as the food goes the friend will be paid, but just not as much as caterers charge. I am still not super thrilled about the idea of a guest cooking for the wedding, but as most of you said since my mom is paying for most of the wedding she has the right to make this decision. I am going to keep pricing out caterers and do a comparison to make sure we make the right decision to save money!

    Thanks again for all of the help!  
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