Moms and Maids

2 sets of divorced parents and stress going along with it.

So this is going to be very long. My parents divorced when I was 12 I'm 23 now. My mom.was remarried to a guy neither my brother or me liked. Last year they had an incident where he got abusive because of drinking and hurt my mom then she chose to stay with him later we found out through the grape vine that this has been an ongoing problem fast forward to today. I got an engaged she said I had to include him because he was helping pay. Then 2 weeks into it he screwed up again and she calls to say they are getting a divorce. So now she's dealing with that. She has not been a great mother to us kids. She had only seen my.niece 2 times in the last year since she was born last September. Now she shows up to my dress shopping and expects everything to be hunkydorry with my sister in law (whom she had an hr long fight over the phone 2 days before her announcement of her divorce) and then she accuses my FMIL of being awkward. I'm very close to my fmil. Also every thing she shows me to dress, outfits for her, or other ideas i dont like at all. Dont get me wrong I feel bad that doesn't have a clue what I like but what do I do, its my wedding and I don't want to wear a dress that I hate but she loves. I'm going insane because my mom makes me feel so caught in the middle of all this. How would any of you handle this situation?

Re: 2 sets of divorced parents and stress going along with it.

  • Decline any money and plan your own wedding. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
    [Deleted User]KeptInStitchesCLoGreenEyeskp53114
  • I'm sorry this is weighing on you so much.  Please get the dress you like!  You're the one who has to wear it, not her.  Let her say whatever she wants, don't take any money and just ignore her opinion pertaining to the wedding, change the subject when it comes up.  Good luck!
  • You do not get to dress your mother. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that, but adults (other than WP members) are allowed to dress themselves. It doesn't matter if you like her dress or not; if she feels pretty in it, that's what matters. If she is dressed inappropriately, people will side-eye her, not you.

    Agree with PPs. Decline her money, and plan the wedding you and your FI can afford. It might be smaller than you wanted, but you'll have complete control over it. 

    I'm sorry your mother isn't the kind of mother you want her to be, and that you're dealing with all of this.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • She who pays gets the say. If you accept money from your mom to help pay for the wedding, then she gets to have a say in any decisions pertaining to it (including your dress). 

    The best thing you can do in this situation is decline her offer to pay for the wedding - either pay for something small now with your FI or wait a little while and save up money to have a more expensive wedding in a year or so. Also, please don't expect your mom to change her behavior just because you're planning your wedding. We get so many brides who come on here and say that their moms have always been like this, but they were hoping things would be different while wedding planning. Your mom isn't going to change - the sooner you realize and accept that, the better you will feel. (Trust me, I have a dad who's put me through a lot of emotional ups and downs in my life - accepting that he is who he is and he isn't going to change was one of the better things I've ever done).
  • OK ladies, I have a different opinion.  My late grandmother, unpleasant on a good day, used to say "he who pays the piper calls the tunes".  This was her way of wielding power over the family.  As the rebel of the group, I was never one of her faves.  When my mother tried to pull that garbage at my wedding, I told her, respectfully, that this is my wedding and I would like things according to my tastes.  If she did not want to pay, at that point, either my FMIL would have, or we would have paid for the best we could, or we would have eloped.  Bottom line, unless you, respectfully, stand up the a person who is using money to push you around, you will spend the rest of your life being pushed around.  Money is not the only weapon of choice with that type of person.
  • I'd decline your mother's offer to pay, and even consider not inviting her.  She's jerking you around emotionally, and that's not good for you.
  • You will feel a lot better about planning everything if it's your money. Your mom's pockets may feel deeper than yours, but at the end of the day, you don't deal with drama. Please read other posts on this forum on how parents play with the bride's feelings by throwing in the money card.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • I agree with everything PP have said. My FMIL offered money to us and as nice as it would have been to not worry about money, the stress of having her voice her opinion and taste were not worth it (my mom is no better.).

    My fiance and I cut our wedding down to a manageable cost for us and we are very happy to only worry about our opinions.

    I hope everything works out for you. It's difficult when your mom/mother figure don't act the way you would expect.
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