I need a reality check!

Aschive

Hey there! Well I am not new to this site I have been quietly perusing the site for a year and now I decided I need a serious reality check.

Some info about me: I am 20, my BF and I have been dating 2 years and living together since April 2012. I am a very emotional person, and when I get an idea in my head, I chase it and exhaust every possibility that could happen.

So now the good part of the story... Well when we first started dating he kept saying he was going to marry me and I said that he needed to slow down. Well then our 1 year anniversary came around I started contemplating the idea and liked it so I said we should. Well that scared him and now he keeps saying he wants to wait another 3-5 years! I want to within the next 1-2, but he says that is too soon. Well anyway, I had most of it planned out-Where I wanted it, photographer, ect. But all of a sudden he decided we should go ring shopping! So we went and found the ones we wanted and he playfully asked me to marry him and I said yes, but now is saying I need to calm down because he hasn't even proposed yet... he is not a very romantic person so I figured the previous asking was what I was going to get but I guess not??? We don't have a lot of money and are having a really hard time saving, so I switched directions completely and would expect to spend around $1,000. But he still says not yet. I am going crazy because I want it so bad, but I feel like he doesn't and I know I am just being crazy. I have EVERYTHING planned down to the decorations. So I guess I am asking for some ways to calm myself and not be such a crazy person. Any suggestions? Thanks!

KeptInStitches

Get a hobby. Throw yourself into your schoolwork/career. Enjoy this part of your relationship.

On that note, welcome! What's your favorite dessert?

Aschive

Thanks!

Oh boy... That is a hard question. I love almost everything that is sweet. But my all time favorite would have to be rhubarb crisp! What about yours?

CLoGreenEyes

So, from your post it sounds like you are focused on planning things other than what you need to be thinking about at this stage in the game. You said you and your BF differ on when you want to get married. Why is that? Are there certain goals you both have, such as buying a house, finishing school, getting a promotion, etc., that make him want to wait? Discuss this with him and come up with a timeline you both can agree on, and check in with each other on occasion to make sure it’s still realistic.     --> I would also halt the pre-planning entirely. The best way to drive yourself crazy is look at all the cool stuff you could have at your wedding, if only he would propose already. I know it is fun to look at, and when you think about budgeting and whatnot it even seems quite practical. But don’t do it.     --> What I started doing was a "future fund" for me and BF when we first decided that we’d get married someday. We both just kick in our spare change, and every now and then we have a date night and roll it all up (yes, we still do that). I’m not going to lie, I had once hoped we would use it for a wedding, but it turned into our vacation fund, and I love that. So if you want to save for the future (always a great idea!), I would do so with a more general goal in mind instead of just "wedding." Think about home stuff, think about vacations, think about an emergency fund, think about a new car – all the stuff that can come up anytime.     --> Finally, Stitches is wise. Having your own life and being thankful for your relationship as it is are the best! Tell us about some of that – how did you and your BF meet? What do you do for a living or hope to do? Any adorable pets we need to know about?     --> ETA: I want paragraphs dammit!

CLoGreenEyes

Sorry guys, my post above will not let me put in paragraphs, and now it won't even let me edit for some reason. Lame sauce.

KeptInStitches

Right now I'm digging vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, but that's what BF and I finished our trip to BWW with tonight. We both drank and ate way too much, and I'm still working through the buzz from my Summer Shandy. He's passed out in food-and-booze coma. We are wild people, I tell you.

phira

Aschive said:

Hey there! Well I am not new to this site I have been quietly perusing the site for a year and now I decided I need a serious reality check.

Some info about me: I am 20, my BF and I have been dating 2 years and living together since April 2012. I am a very emotional person, and when I get an idea in my head, I chase it and exhaust every possibility that could happen.

So now the good part of the story... Well when we first started dating he kept saying he was going to marry me and I said that he needed to slow down. Well then our 1 year anniversary came around I started contemplating the idea and liked it so I said we should. Well that scared him and now he keeps saying he wants to wait another 3-5 years! I want to within the next 1-2, but he says that is too soon. Well anyway, I had most of it planned out-Where I wanted it, photographer, ect. But all of a sudden he decided we should go ring shopping! So we went and found the ones we wanted and he playfully asked me to marry him and I said yes, but now is saying I need to calm down because he hasn't even proposed yet... he is not a very romantic person so I figured the previous asking was what I was going to get but I guess not??? We don't have a lot of money and are having a really hard time saving, so I switched directions completely and would expect to spend around $1,000. But he still says not yet. I am going crazy because I want it so bad, but I feel like he doesn't and I know I am just being crazy. I have EVERYTHING planned down to the decorations. So I guess I am asking for some ways to calm myself and not be such a crazy person. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Here are the three things I'm getting here:

1) You are 20 years old. You don't have much money and are not having an easy time saving.

2) You have your whole wedding planned even though you're not engaged.

3) Your boyfriend has been inconsistent about when he'd like to get engaged and married.

Slow down. You are so young, you have no money, there's every reason not to rush to get married. The fact that you seem so unsure about when you'd want to get engaged and married, and that HE seems to go back and forth between "right now right now" and "we have to WAIT," makes me think that it's better to wait.

From what you've said, I also think that you're encountering a problem that a friend of mine did with her ex-fiance. Their relationship was getting strained, and she kept pushing him to commit more and be more romantic. Eventually, he proposed, and she was thrilled; it felt like he'd FINALLY become more committed and more romantic. Except that the relationship stayed the same, and she eventually ended it because he never changed.

The way you talk about your boyfriend having trouble being romantic reminds me of that situation. A proposal is very romantic (usually), which sounds like it's what you want. But I think that you need to see if you two can talk about what you need in terms of romance that DOESN'T involve a proposal of marriage. Maybe specific things like, "I really enjoy when you buy me flowers for no reason," or, "It makes me feel very loved when you stroke the back of my neck when we're just hanging around, watching a movie." If you want romance in your relationship, that's much different than wanting marriage.

You want to be engaged and have a wedding very badly, I get that. But remember that the point is supposed to be that you like being in your relationship. Marriage can wait; focus on living in the moment instead of planning out reception decor.

Aschive

Thanks everyone! I know that I need to slow down, but it is just too much fun. I try to talk to my BF and every time it ends up with us fighting because like I said I am a very sensitive person and I feel like he is attacking me with everything that I am doing wrong. Then he says that he can't talk to me because I always cry. Any ideas on how to keep myself from getting worked up about him telling me what he feels is wrong in our relationship?

As far as pets, we live in an apartment building that doesn't allow furry friends. So all I have are my 5 fish, Donut, Colby, and Chief. Two of them are not named. Also, I have a ghost shrimp. It is a little strange but I love my little fishies

I am currently attending school to become an Administrative Assistant and am in my second semester so hopefully within 2 years I will be finding a job!

My BF and I met online/through friends. It is a kind of messed up story actually. I dated a co-worker/friend of his and while we were dating he would talk about me I guess. So when him and I broke up the BF added me on Facebook. (This is the story I got when asked why my BF decided to friend me on Facebook.) Well we started talking and the next thing I know we went on our first date and have been inseparable for 2 years.

KeptInStitches

I would recommend counseling to learn how to communicate better.

Photos of your fish?

bethsmiles

It sounds like you are pushing your BF way too much. Just because he says he wants to marry you doesn't mean he is ready to marry you right this second. My BF and I started dating when we were 18. At 20 I thought I was so ready to get engaged and have a wedding. But that was the problem right there - I was ready for the pretty ring and big party but I wasn't ready for marriage! Now I'm 23 and I'm so glad BF and I have waited (and are still waiting). Now I'm ready for marriage which is what the wedding is all about.

You need to stop planning. There is nothing wrong with day-dreaming but it your case it sounds like the amount of day-dreaming you've been doing is negatively impacting your relationship. There is plenty of time to plan a wedding once you are engaged. Right now you need to be focusing your relationship - especially on improving your communication. Communication is so important to a healthy relationship and if all your conversations are ending up in crying and fights you have a HUGE problem. You should be able to have an adult conversation about issues in your relationship without crying.

Aschive

Thanks again everyone. I have talked about counseling but he doesn't want to. I have tried personal counseling and that didn't go well either. But I am working on growing up and realizing that I am not always going to get my way. I think that is part of the problem.

Here is a picture of 3 of my fish. There is one in the background but really blurry and they are small so they are hard to see. It was difficult to get all 3 of them in the same shot.

Aschive

Sorry it didn't upload it the first time

phira

If you've had your own counseling, he refuses to try counseling, and your communication is struggling this much ... I think marriage should be the last thing on your mind. So often, there's this pressure on women to fix every problem with a relationship, and there's a narrative that because all relationships have problems, you should just stay and fix all the problems. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants to work with you to solve your issues with communication, and that isn't okay. You shouldn't be the only one striving towards better communication.

cu97tiger

You know how you become more mature? You get older. Live your life. Don't try to rush the next milestone. Enjoy being in the relationship you're in now. Learn how to work through disagreements. Learn how to handle disappointment. Learn how to express your ideas. DON'T plan a wedding when you aren't engaged

minskat30

What do you mean personal counseling "didn't go well"?  Did you try another counselor after that experience? 

You shouldn't have planned your "wedding" without being engaged.  It shows not only a lack of reality but a lack of respect for your partner and what he might actually want on that day.  How about you spend your time working on your relationship?  Why doesn't he want to go to counseling?

Aschive

My counselor turned my appointments into a problem that is not what I was in there for. As far as the wedding planning he has been in on everything putting his opinion in. He doesn't want to go to counseling because of personal political opinions. Also, he doesn't believe that counseling does any good because they just twist your words and make it about something that isn't what it really is. Which, after my experience I believe that is true. I did not go to another because I don't have the funds to keep going, that is part of the reason I quit the first one.

KeptInStitches

If you're in school, you probably have access to a free or greatly reduced counseling service. In fact, if there is a college in your town, you might think about looking into that. BF and I have thought about using my school's services for couples counseling. It would be a way to try another counselor without paying too much. I really think you should give it another try - you don't always mesh well with your first counselor.

minskat30

Counselors, at least good ones, don't "twist your words and make it about something that isn't what it really is"...generally they actively listen and sometimes have to give advice people don't want to hear.  Your boyfriend may be giving his opinions about your pre-planning but he is clearly not on board with getting engaged and wants to wait to get married (which is a good idea, IMHO, if you are so young and just starting out your lives).  You either have to respect that or move on.  You can't force him to propose earlier and get what you actually want (i.e., you won't be getting the true romantic, lovely, heartfelt proposal even if you push him to propose if he isn't ready and feeling romantic and heartfelt about proposing). 

You asked for a reality check and we are giving you one, stop planning a wedding when you aren't engaged and focus on fixing your bigger problems.  My answer to your question "Any ideas on how to keep myself from getting worked up about him telling me what he feels is wrong in our relationship?" is to listen to him and sort through the problems.  If he is telling you something is wrong in your relationship, stop trying to prove him wrong or think the relationship is going to end and end up crying. 

Couples fight and go through issues, it is how you fight and fix the issues that matters most.  If it helps, plan a time (rather than let these issues come up in a heated moment) to discuss certain relationship issues and prepare yourself in advance to stay calm and sensitive to his needs/opinions and not just your own.  Really take in what he is saying and, together, come up with a plan to fix what is wrong in your relationship.  Grow what you have now and invest your time there rather than planning a party. 

phira

I've been to personal counseling and relationship counseling, and while I've had some counselors who haven't been great fits for me, I think therapy is a really excellent tool. I'm sorry that you haven't had the best experiences with therapy, and that your boyfriend's view of therapy is very negative.

But it really sounds like your relationship has some serious problems that need to be addressed. You should not be fighting and crying so often. These are problems that 1) are not "normal" parts of being in relationships, and 2) do not go away once you're married. I have stayed in some unhappy relationships before, and I don't recommend it.

loves2shop4shoes

OMG.  My head hurts.

You're up, you're down, you're back, you're forward.  Your relationship is a circus.

Are you ready, or aren't you?  Is your BF ready, or isn't he?  One minute he's ready.  The next he's not.  The next you're buying an engagement ring.  The next he mock proposes, but you didn't realize it was a mock proposal.  Holy shit.

1)  You're not ready.  Neither of you is anywhere NEAR mature enough to get married.  3-5 years is probably a good idea...and I'd lean much toward the 5.

2)  You need therapy.  Big time.  If one counselor doesn't do it for you, find another.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.

3)  How, pray tell, would you even pay for a wedding...when you have no money?

4)  NOT trying to be mean, so don't take this personally.  I think you should have a psych evaluation.  You seem to be very up and down emotionally.  And trust me, I am too...so it takes one to know one.  I think perhaps you could be bipolar, or have a BPD.  I'd look into that.

Aschive

Thanks everyone. I was not trying to sound defensive in saying that he is involved I was simply stating. I know he doesn't want to but I feel like in his decisions I have to put what I want on hold so he can get what he wants. I feel like there should be some compromise which I know is not realistic, but isn't that what relationships are about is making sure you are both happy with the situation? I know that things change and what not and I can't force him to do something but I feel like he isn't thinking about our future, only his. I am just trying to justify my craziness now. Sorry for ranting! All of your advice is really good and thanks again for taking the time to help me out!

CLoGreenEyes

@aschive, sometimes your first counselor is not always the best fit. The best counselor in the wold for me was one I started seeing a year after I began counseling. So it may just take some "shopping around," as many things in life do, to find the right fit. I'm sorry you had a bad first experience, but I hope you won't let it color your notion of how it could benefit you, because it truly can be a great experience.

Also, I ditto PPs who recommended checking into counseling at your college/university; they usually offer short-term (maybe 12-15 sessions) counseling to get you through quicker issues, and can offer you more extensive resources if needed. Your tuition money is already going to fund these services, so it makes sense to give them a fair try.

I was very much like you at the beginning of my relationship - very emotional, either cried or totally shut down when things got tough, and thought every disagreement meant the end. I am fortunate to have a very patient partner who was willing to see me through lots of counseling and personal growth, and our relationship is much more stable and supportive and gets better every day. So I want you to know that this can get better, with the same partner, if the effort is there from both of you.

If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself and work on your end of the situation. See if your BF would go through some workbooks or other books with you, just to get you talking and communicating. (BF and I once went through one of Doctor Phil's books - while it wasn't the end-all be-all cure for every issue we've ever had, it was a great way to get us talking and connecting, and that opened up the door for a lot of improvement to take place.) And be willing to catch yourself in the act: "Wow. I am really upset over thing we've been arguing about, but I don't need to be THIS upset. We love each other, and we can talk about this rationally. Let's try again." And it's OK to take some time during a disagreement to stop, think, and re-group.

In any case, I hope you can understand why we are advising you to stop with the pre-planning. It seems like you are taking the energy you should be putting into the relationship, and turning it toward wedding planning. Resist the urge to do that; these problems will keep confronting you until you deal with them.

Aschive

To love2shop4shoes:

I am ready, he is not. I will wait for 3 years. I feel that if you have to wait 5 years you are not sure you want to be with that person. If you know that you do, I see nothing wrong with jumping into it. But that is my opinion. I do need therapy but so does he. As far as being bipolar, no I do not to get tested for that. Thanks for your opinion though. I am not trying to be rude I am just stating that I have been to therapy when I was younger and recently and neither of them were concerned about that. As far as paying for it, we have money just not saved money. I don't want a huge wedding with a big party. We have said that when we do decide to we are going to have around 30 people and just a simple outdoor ceremony. That's that. But thank for taking the time and putting your opinion in. Again I am not trying to be rude just responding to your post.

bethsmiles

Aschive said:

To love2shop4shoes:

I am ready, he is not. I will wait for 3 years. I feel that if you have to wait 5 years you are not sure you want to be with that person.

Wow, that's offensive. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years. I guess I should just give up. A lot of the time being ready for marriage doesn't have to do with your feelings for the person. My BF and I have known for years that we want to marry each other but there are other things that needed to happen first - one of the biggest is becoming financially stable.

You aren't ready. You are immature.

CLoGreenEyes

Youch. I have been with BF for over five years and we are very much sure we want to be with each other. =/

The number of years doesn't mean much in the context of what's happening in the relationship. "Readiness" has so much more to do with circumstances other than love. It sucks sometimes, but that's the way it is. That's why I said in my first response that you should ask WHY he wants to wait 3-5 years. His answers may surprise you.

KeptInStitches

Really offensive, @aschive. BF and I have been together for nearly 5 years and we're damn sure we want to be together. The timing just hasn't been right yet.

Aschive

Ok. Yes I realize now that I posted that it does sound a little, bitchy. I apologize to those who have been patient enough to wait. I am not that patient and I know I need to wait. What I meant is for my relationship, not other peoples. Also, as far as asking him why he wants to wait, he always gets mad and only says, "I don't know." He doesn't want to talk about why he wants to wait, or feelings or why things aren't great in our relationship.

KeptInStitches

That's why we're recommending counseling. If nothing else, to facilitate communication.

bethsmiles

Aschive said:

Ok. Yes I realize now that I posted that it does sound a little, bitchy. I apologize to those who have been patient enough to wait. I am not that patient and I know I need to wait. What I meant is for my relationship, not other peoples. Also, as far as asking him why he wants to wait, he always gets mad and only says, "I don't know." He doesn't want to talk about why he wants to wait, or feelings or why things aren't great in our relationship.

He's probably sick of you pushing him about it. I suggest completely dropping the subject for 6 months.

KateJ16

Personally, counseling is one of the best things you can do.

I, too, had not the best counselor to begin with - she didn't twist things, but I got about zero percent growth out of it, because it was the equivalent of talking to my girlfriends or my cat.

After a while I found someone new, and now I can't imagine life without her.  I've been seeing her for four years, and I know that I have made major changes/improvements to myself (everyone around me has mentioned things), and one of the biggest was understanding myself enough to truly be in a good relationship, which I now am.  It also is still helping me learn how to communicate effectively with my BF. 

Especially at the age you are, I think it's a good idea to seek someone out to talk through everything with.  So much is changing in your early 20s, that if you look back in 5 years (even without talking to someone) you most likely won't believe how much you have changed.

And regarding costs - I would still check it out.  Some of the new changes made to insurance in the past couple years makes mental health covered under a lot of plans.

Swazzle

At 5 years together you'll be a WHOPPING 23 years old. 

Some people prefer to be MATURE and RESPONSIBLE rather than rushing into something just because of a made-up time limit. 

It sounds like there are major red flags in your relationship. NEWS FLASH! Getting engaged will not fix those issues.