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I need a reality check!

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Re: I need a reality check!

  • I know that it won't make a difference but in my mind, waiting is like breaking a promise that we both agreed on and then forcing me to give up my wants to make him happy.... IT IS STUPID, I KNOW that but it is still hard when you have your hopes crushed.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    Aschive said:
    I know that it won't make a difference but in my mind, waiting is like breaking a promise that we both agreed on and then forcing me to give up my wants to make him happy.... IT IS STUPID, I KNOW that but it is still hard when you have your hopes crushed.

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    Seriously, you sound WAY too immature to get talking about getting engaged. You sound like a 5 year-old stomping your foot because you aren't getting your way.

    Everything you post just re-inforces my thought that you are no where near ready to be married. In fact it doesn't sound like you care about your relationship at all because you don't seem to be able to appreciate it. You are so focused on getting married that you don't seem to care if you ruin your relationship trying to get there.


  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    It is one thing to sit down with your SO and have a discussion about your future together and getting married and to come up with a timeline that you are both comfortable with. When that timeline comes to an end, you have another conversation. Should you or your SO decide that more time is needed, you either decide you're ok with that or you decide that you're not. 

    It's a completely different thing to believe that regardless of anything, you will not wait 5 years to marry someone. 

    That sounds to me like you're just on the hunt for someone to marry and want it to be NOW. 



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  • Whenever I see a post from OP I think of this:

    Seriously OP, you need to calm down. You're young, enjoy it. Don't rush into things, especially when the two of you can't communicate without you getting upset. Like wait 5-10 years..

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  • minskat30minskat30
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    edited August 2013

    If you continue to obsess about your timeline, you are going to either (A) be posting soon about how your BF broke up with you or (B) nagging him into getting married only to get divorced shortly thereafter.  Work on the fundamentals of your relationship instead of PLANNING A PARTY.  If he won't talk to you about your relationship issues in an adult-like manner, you aren't going to have a successful relationship with this man/boy but, honestly, with all the crying and nagging it seems like you've been doing, I don't blame him for shutting down. 

    Calm down, show him you can calm down and have adult conversations, don't bring up anything wedding related from now until he proposes (not to say you can't talk about where your relationship is going but I'd chill on that front too for now) and maybe he'll feel like he can open up to you without it devolving into a giant mess.

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  • I think a relationship timeline to some extent depends on the age of those involved and their life circumstances. 

    It is less likely that those in their early 20s have stable careers and finances. It is more likely those in their late 20s or 30s are stable and in an appropriate place to have a faster timeline.

    In general. 

    So, to the OP, I understand that you feel like you and your BF had agreed upon a timeline and he is now changing things and you feel hurt and disappointed. 

    I would however suggest that your BF has the right idea in waiting IF his reasoning is based on becoming more established and secure. Or if he's just not sure he's ready for that step. You guys are still really young.

    That said, I don't completely discredit the idea that it shouldn't take 5+ years for someone to decide whether or not they want to marry you. I don't think it's crazy to question the validity of your relationship if you've been together that long and still can't decide if you want to get married someday. It's different if you've made that decision and are waiting b/c of goals that need to be accomplished first. But not even reaching a point of, "Hey, I feel pretty sure I'm going to want to spend my life with you" after 3-5 years together? To me, that is a red flag and certainly cause for concern. JMO.


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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
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    @desertsun, I partially agree with you, but I think that life circumstances also need to come into play. You definitely can say that you want to spend your life with someone without being engaged or married.
  • phiraphira Bahstin
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    OP, relationships are supposed to involve give-and-take and compromising. No relationship is perfect, and yes, even in the happiest and healthiest of relationships, people still fight and have conflict.

    But there's a trap there. The trap is not realizing the difference between "Everyone's got problems and conflict" and "This relationship is not happy, and we need to end it."

    I stayed in miserably unhappy relationships because I was convinced that we just needed to fix out problems, and that this was NORMAL. Every week, we had a new problem, and sometimes I wouldn't say anything about how unhappy I was because I didn't want to fight. Sometimes, I'd say something, and my boyfriend would say he didn't think it was an issue, and then move on without anything changing. After nearly a year of constant stress and nagging and fighting, each relationship ended, and I'm relieved.

    It can be hard to see when things are miserable when you DO love someone, and when you DO have happy times together. But it really sounds like you two have issues that aren't getting resolved, and getting married should be the very last thing on your mind while you try to work through them.

    And if he won't make any effort to work WITH you, then ... well, that's kind of it, ya know?

    And at the age of 20, if you're in THIS much of a rush to get married, you need to calm down and slow down. It's not going to help to remind you over and over that you're really young. However, keep in mind that marriage happens with the assumption that you will be together forever. So if you're together until you're 70, then you will have been together for 52 years, regardless of WHEN you get married during that time. There is no reason to rush, especially when things are not great.
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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY
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    Per usual. <3



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