Donation bar worse than cash bar or no bar???

tdred

NYCBruin said:

NYCBruin said:

I'm sorry, but I HATE when people turn cash bars into a false dichotomy. NO there are a million other choices. It's not cash bar or no bar. Ever. There are always things that could be scaled back or trimmed. Sure, at an evening wedding I want a cocktail. But at a brunch or afternoon reception, you're telling me you'd rather have a rude hostess with a cash bar than spend two hours in the middle of the day without alcohol? If you move the reception to a not heavy drinking time, people don't expect alcohol at all. The bar becomes a non-issue. Which goes back to my main point: cash bars are always about the bride/groom wanting a party (typically an evening dinner and dancing party that lasts hours) that they can't afford more than they care about actually graciously hosting their guests as a thank you for attending the ceremony.

Interesting... yeah, maybe thats where part of the difference comes in then as well... As a guest I would absolutely prefer a long event including music and dancing even if it meant I had to pay for my own alcohol than just a short little brunch gathering. Its interesting to find that other people would prefer it otherwise. 

I also prefer nights out with dancing and drinking. FI and I frequently go to bars/clubs with our friends to have this. All I'm saying is that the HOST is the one who makes decisions about the event: time of day, type of food, the amount of alcohol (if any). It's selfish of the bride and groom to push the costs of their wish for an evening fete onto their guests. There are lots of things we would love to have at our wedding but we can't afford them, so we won't be having them not having our guests subsidize them.

No, I totally understand it from the point of view of the bride and groom deciding they just aren't going to do that. Although, if it were to happen that you're guests were more like me, and would prefer to pay for their own alcohol for the sake of being able to have a long event with music and dancing then it would be the more hospitable thing to give that to them. (although it really does look like I'm in the minority here with my way of looking at things)

What I'm asking about are people, as guests, saying that they would be offended and consider their hosts cheap and tacky for having a cash bar. I seriously cannot imagine acting or feeling that way towards the bride and groom of any wedding I either have attended in the past or would attend in the future. I guess I can understand responding "from the point of view of the host thats a selfish, cheap and tacky thing to do", though I don't agree with that entirely, but to say that, as a guest, you would personally be offended if there was a cash bar at a wedding (not that you have said that, you haven't) is just too bizarre to me.

APDSS22

I think the fact that it's a rude thing to do (as to why: PP have covered that) and the bride and groom do it anyway is why people have a problem with it.  Also, if the bride and groom have a cash bar they are more likely to do a bunch of other rude things too, like have a tiered reception or a B-List wedding guest list or a potluck.  More often than not when you hear people talking about the tacky weddings they went to over the weekend, it isn't just a cash bar they're talking about, it's a bunch of things that include a cash bar.

sarahmarie409

I know most people on here are seriously opposed to cash bars...understandably so. For my own wedding we are hosting a fully open bar for the entire evening to "properly host our guests". That being said, when I attend someone else's wedding who may not be as fortunate as we are I would definitely prefer the option of having a drink if I want one even if that means I had to pay for it myself. I think if anything I would be more ticked off at someone having a dry wedding (even though that apparently is more acceptable). Per my experience going to weddings of all kinds ( I used to be in the wedding planning industry for 5 years)... people who take time off from work to come to these events, who want to unwind a little before getting on the dance floor, etc. would MUCH rather at least have the option of having a drink even if that means opening their wallets, as opposed to being completely denied that option. Just saying.

NYCBruin

tdred said:

NYCBruin said:

tdred said:

NYCBruin said:

bubblegum1309 said:

I'm sorry, but I HATE when people turn cash bars into a false dichotomy. NO there are a million other choices. It's not cash bar or no bar. Ever. There are always things that could be scaled back or trimmed. Sure, at an evening wedding I want a cocktail. But at a brunch or afternoon reception, you're telling me you'd rather have a rude hostess with a cash bar than spend two hours in the middle of the day without alcohol? If you move the reception to a not heavy drinking time, people don't expect alcohol at all. The bar becomes a non-issue. Which goes back to my main point: cash bars are always about the bride/groom wanting a party (typically an evening dinner and dancing party that lasts hours) that they can't afford more than they care about actually graciously hosting their guests as a thank you for attending the ceremony.

Interesting... yeah, maybe thats where part of the difference comes in then as well... As a guest I would absolutely prefer a long event including music and dancing even if it meant I had to pay for my own alcohol than just a short little brunch gathering. Its interesting to find that other people would prefer it otherwise. 

I also prefer nights out with dancing and drinking. FI and I frequently go to bars/clubs with our friends to have this. All I'm saying is that the HOST is the one who makes decisions about the event: time of day, type of food, the amount of alcohol (if any). It's selfish of the bride and groom to push the costs of their wish for an evening fete onto their guests. There are lots of things we would love to have at our wedding but we can't afford them, so we won't be having them not having our guests subsidize them.


No, I totally understand it from the point of view of the bride and groom deciding they just aren't going to do that. Although, if it were to happen that you're guests were more like me, and would prefer to pay for their own alcohol for the sake of being able to have a long event with music and dancing then it would be the more hospitable thing to give that to them. (although it really does look like I'm in the minority here with my way of looking at things)

What I'm asking about are people, as guests, saying that they would be offended and consider their hosts cheap and tacky for having a cash bar. I seriously cannot imagine acting or feeling that way towards the bride and groom of any wedding I either have attended in the past or would attend in the future. I guess I can understand responding "from the point of view of the host thats a selfish, cheap and tacky thing to do", though I don't agree with that entirely, but to say that, as a guest, you would personally be offended if there was a cash bar at a wedding (not that you have said that, you haven't) is just too bizarre to me.

No, I totally understand it from the point of view of the bride and groom deciding they just aren't going to do that. Although, if it were to happen that you're guests were more like me, and would prefer to pay for their own alcohol for the sake of being able to have a long event with music and dancing then it would be the more hospitable thing to give that to them. (although it really does look like I'm in the minority here with my way of looking at things)

What I'm asking about are people, as guests, saying that they would be offended and consider their hosts cheap and tacky for having a cash bar. I seriously cannot imagine acting or feeling that way towards the bride and groom of any wedding I either have attended in the past or would attend in the future. I guess I can understand responding "from the point of view of the host thats a selfish, cheap and tacky thing to do", though I don't agree with that entirely, but to say that, as a guest, you would personally be offended if there was a cash bar at a wedding (not that you have said that, you haven't) is just too bizarre to me

But here's the thing, even if a majority of your guests would actually prefer an evening event with a cash bar to an afternoon reception, the cash bar is still rude! And you have NO way of knowing if that's even what your guests prefer. I am absolutely offended by cash bars. I think they are incredibly rude. If I ever went to a wedding with one I would rip up the large check I had written as a wedding gift and write a new one with a much smaller amount. I would never say anything to the couple about their rude behavior. If you polled my friends, I would bet a large sum of money that nearly all of them would think I'd prefer the evening event with the cash bar. But they'd be wrong! You have no way of knowing if your friends/family feel the same way. And even if you ask, they'll probably just give you the answer you're looking for.

No matter how you look at it, the choice of having a cash bar is always the couples. Even if an afternoon wedding is not a possibility, the happy couple could always cut other things like the guest list if they really want alcohol.

There is no excuse for a cash bar.

tdred

But here's the thing, even if a majority of your guests would actually prefer an evening event with a cash bar to an afternoon reception, the cash bar is still rude! And you have NO way of knowing if that's even what your guests prefer. I am absolutely offended by cash bars. I think they are incredibly rude. If I ever went to a wedding with one I would rip up the large check I had written as a wedding gift and write a new one with a much smaller amount. I would never say anything to the couple about their rude behavior. If you polled my friends, I would bet a large sum of money that nearly all of them would think I'd prefer the evening event with the cash bar. But they'd be wrong! You have no way of knowing if your friends/family feel the same way. And even if you ask, they'll probably just give you the answer you're looking for. No matter how you look at it, the choice of having a cash bar is always the couples. Even if an afternoon wedding is not a possibility, the happy couple could always cut other things like the guest list if they really want alcohol. There is no excuse for a cash bar.

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. 

tdred

Also, as to the idea of cutting down on the guest list... What if its already cut down to your close friends and family? Sorry, but giving your guests what they prefer comes before any sense of pride you might get from being able to say "I paid for the whole thing myself". Now, I'm not trying to claim that most people would prefer a cash bar or anything like that, but the claim that it is always wrong or tacky or inhospitable to have a cash bar just doesn't stand with me. If that is actually what your guests would prefer then refusing to give it to them for the sake of being able to say you were the good host and paid for it all is actually whats wrong. Guests come first. 

Maggie0829

tdred said:

But here's the thing, even if a majority of your guests would actually prefer an evening event with a cash bar to an afternoon reception, the cash bar is still rude! And you have NO way of knowing if that's even what your guests prefer. I am absolutely offended by cash bars. I think they are incredibly rude. If I ever went to a wedding with one I would rip up the large check I had written as a wedding gift and write a new one with a much smaller amount. I would never say anything to the couple about their rude behavior. If you polled my friends, I would bet a large sum of money that nearly all of them would think I'd prefer the evening event with the cash bar. But they'd be wrong! You have no way of knowing if your friends/family feel the same way. And even if you ask, they'll probably just give you the answer you're looking for. No matter how you look at it, the choice of having a cash bar is always the couples. Even if an afternoon wedding is not a possibility, the happy couple could always cut other things like the guest list if they really want alcohol. There is no excuse for a cash bar.

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. 

OMG because making your guests open up their wallets for your wedding for anything means that you are not hosting the event properly.  And yes, there are plenty of people out there that would prefer a drink or two with their dinner or during the course of the event (I know that I am one of those), but if alcohol was not an option in the couples budget I can certainly manage to go 4 hours without a freaking drink and be fine with it.  If any adult can't go 4 hours without an alcoholic beverage and getting mad that the couple did not provide it for them then they have a problem.

The couple (or whoever is paying) is the host.  They make the final choice.  And no matter what they decide to do none of the decisions should involve the guests opening their wallets.  Period.

Finally, on a side note, I don't get comparing weddings to at home parties.  For parties at our house it is always BYOB and possibly a bag of chips and some dip.  Our friends (and myself) would never expect free alcohol at house parties (Super  Bowl, Fourth of July, etc, etc), but when I am invited by invitation to an event I expect to be hosted properly and when I am not I get upset. These guests are taking time out of their lives and most likely money out of their wallets to give you a present the least you could do is host them properly and not make them spend any money to make your event the one that you want.

APDSS22

I believe what she said was you can't read people's minds.  And even if most of your guests would rather attend an evening reception with a cash bar, what about the handful of people that think it's incredibly rude? 

NYCBruin

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I believe what she said was you can't read people's minds.  And even if most of your guests would rather attend an evening reception with a cash bar, what about the handful of people that think it's incredibly rude? 

This was precisely my point. To summarize:

1. You can't read minds. You don't actually know 100% that any, some, most, whatever of your guests would prefer this. You know that YOU do, but you have no idea what other people are thinking. If I'm wrong and you CAN read minds, I would imagine you'd be swimming in cash and could serve champagne from golden cups at your wedding.

2. Even you say that "most" of your guests would prefer the cash bar. So you just don't give a shit about offending those who find it rude?

3. If alcohol is a priority, make it a priority and find a way to host it. If its not, your guests are adults who can survive without booze for a few hours. I prefer fish over chicken, but I'm not offended if fish isn't offered at a hosted party: I graciously eat what was given to me. Alcohol is the same way. If its there I will happily partake, but if its not hosted, I'll still have a good time.

tammym1001

tdred said:

But here's the thing, even if a majority of your guests would actually prefer an evening event with a cash bar to an afternoon reception, the cash bar is still rude! And you have NO way of knowing if that's even what your guests prefer. I am absolutely offended by cash bars. I think they are incredibly rude. If I ever went to a wedding with one I would rip up the large check I had written as a wedding gift and write a new one with a much smaller amount. I would never say anything to the couple about their rude behavior. If you polled my friends, I would bet a large sum of money that nearly all of them would think I'd prefer the evening event with the cash bar. But they'd be wrong! You have no way of knowing if your friends/family feel the same way. And even if you ask, they'll probably just give you the answer you're looking for. No matter how you look at it, the choice of having a cash bar is always the couples. Even if an afternoon wedding is not a possibility, the happy couple could always cut other things like the guest list if they really want alcohol. There is no excuse for a cash bar.

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. 

As a guest though, I'm going to be grateful for whatever event the host has planned. If that means an afternoon dry wedding because it is what they wanted then I will be happy to be there with them for their big day. Yeah I would rather have alcohol at a wedding, but I would also rather eat steak at a wedding too even though most weddings I've gone too only serve chicken. Even though I would rather eat steak I would think it was crazy if they served chicken, but told me I could have steak if I wanted to pay for it. So with that in mind, if they were serving coke, it would be crazy for them to tell me I could have whiskey instead, but I have to pay for it.

NYCBruin

tammym1001 said:

tdred said:

NYCBruin said:

tdred said:

But here's the thing, even if a majority of your guests would actually prefer an evening event with a cash bar to an afternoon reception, the cash bar is still rude! And you have NO way of knowing if that's even what your guests prefer. I am absolutely offended by cash bars. I think they are incredibly rude. If I ever went to a wedding with one I would rip up the large check I had written as a wedding gift and write a new one with a much smaller amount. I would never say anything to the couple about their rude behavior. If you polled my friends, I would bet a large sum of money that nearly all of them would think I'd prefer the evening event with the cash bar. But they'd be wrong! You have no way of knowing if your friends/family feel the same way. And even if you ask, they'll probably just give you the answer you're looking for. No matter how you look at it, the choice of having a cash bar is always the couples. Even if an afternoon wedding is not a possibility, the happy couple could always cut other things like the guest list if they really want alcohol. There is no excuse for a cash bar.

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. 


As a guest though, I'm going to be grateful for whatever event the host has planned. If that means an afternoon dry wedding because it is what they wanted then I will be happy to be there with them for their big day. Yeah I would rather have alcohol at a wedding, but I would also rather eat steak at a wedding too even though most weddings I've gone too only serve chicken. Even though I would rather eat steak I would think it was crazy if they served chicken, but told me I could have steak if I wanted to pay for it. So with that in mind, if they were serving coke, it would be crazy for them to tell me I could have whiskey instead, but I have to pay for it.



Preach.

southernbelle0915

southernbelle0915 said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

As a guest, I don't want to open my wallet at your party. I'm perfectly capable of not drinking for a night. When I accept your hospitality, I expect to be hosted. If I'm not going to be, I might rather just take myself out for the evening. If you have a cash bar, I feel like you're passing your poor planning onto me. If you have a donation bar, I feel guilted into helping you out. Like you're begging.

This, however, I really don't. I mean, if you don't want to open your wallet at a party and are perfectly happy not drinking then what exactly is the problem with a cash bar? No one is forcing you, or even trying to guilt you in any way into spending any money or drinking any alcohol. If you really are truly happy not drinking alcohol, and you're at a wedding with a cash bar and don't want to spend cash, then just don't drink. I really don't get why its something to be upset about or how it has anything to do with poor planning. A cash bar allows the bride and groom to present their guests with the *option* of purchasing alcohol if they would prefer to buy alcohol rather than not drink, it doesn't somehow make it any more difficult for you to refrain from drinking or spending any money. 

I want to address the only thing that you still seem to be unclear on. It sounds like you think it's nice to offer the OPTION for guests to purchase a drink and if they don't want to purchase one, it'd be no different for them than a dry wedding. I understand that argument. Here's why it's rude:

When guests have to pay for something that is offered by the hosts at a party, that party is not properly hosted. It's no different than inviting someone to your house where you prepared pasta (water/soda) and steak (alcohol). If the guest opts for steak you say, "that'll be $6". You just don't offer it if you're not planning to host it. 

Did you read this? Is there something that is confusing about it?

tdred said:

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? This isn't rude, but making guests subsidize said party IS rude. As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? Yes - this can be accomplished by "proper hosting" (see above). If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? This is where your logic is off. You don't know for sure what your guests want. Like @NYCBruin said, her friends probably think she prefers cash bars - she doesn't. My friends probably think the same thing - I don't. Your guests are going to prefer all kinds of things. You cannot possibly provide everyone with their favorite meal, their favorite drink and their favorite music. People like different things. You're not a rude host for offering filet mignon just because a guest prefers lobster tail and you're "refusing to allow them the kind of party they would prefer" because of this choice. Same thing with the bar. You're not a rude host for offering soft drinks because some guests prefer beer. You're not a rude host for offering beer and wine when some guests prefer liquor. You ARE a rude host for offering something and making your guests pay for it.  The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. If you're capable of doing it, then DO IT! If you can't afford it, then host what you CAN afford. If your guests aren't gracious enough to accept what you offered, then your GUESTS are rude, not you.

KDM323

tdred said:

Also, as to the idea of cutting down on the guest list... What if its already cut down to your close friends and family? Sorry, but giving your guests what they prefer comes before any sense of pride you might get from being able to say "I paid for the whole thing myself". Now, I'm not trying to claim that most people would prefer a cash bar or anything like that, but the claim that it is always wrong or tacky or inhospitable to have a cash bar just doesn't stand with me. If that is actually what your guests would prefer then refusing to give it to them for the sake of being able to say you were the good host and paid for it all is actually whats wrong. Guests come first. 

Etiquette is etiquette.  You don't have to accept it and you don't have to like it...in fact, you may NOT like it...but it is still proper etiquette.

It is rude to expect guests to pay for ANYTHING at a wedding. 

No different than it is rude to interrupt others when they are talking, it is rude to burb, it is rude to not cover ones mouth when yawning, etc.

The rules on etiquette don't change simply because you don't like them or think they are inconvenient.

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I think the fact that it's a rude thing to do (as to why: PP have covered that) and the bride and groom do it anyway is why people have a problem with it.  Also, if the bride and groom have a cash bar they are more likely to do a bunch of other rude things too, like have a tiered reception or a B-List wedding guest list or a potluck.  More often than not when you hear people talking about the tacky weddings they went to over the weekend, it isn't just a cash bar they're talking about, it's a bunch of things that include a cash bar.

I disagree with that statement.  I have been to several weddings that had cash bars. . . and that was it.  There was no B-List, no tiered reception, everyone had a seat, the meals were plated and served by wait-staff, there was no honeymoon jar, no dollar dances, etc.

Just because a couple has a cash bar does not mean they are going to break any or all of the other etiquette rules.

APDSS22

I meant more that the other poster was saying it was rude of guests to sit around moaning about how a cash bar ruined their experience of the wedding.  I merely pointed out that most people complaining about a wedding are complaining about multiple things that made it tacky/trashy, not only a cash bar.  Most people don't waste their time sitting around just talking about how awful the super nice food, awesome venue, lovely dress, tasteful music wedding was that had a cash bar.

APDSS22

Also, the worst wedding I've been to thus far had fully hosted alcohol.

tdred

drexelkathy said:

tdred said:

Also, as to the idea of cutting down on the guest list... What if its already cut down to your close friends and family? Sorry, but giving your guests what they prefer comes before any sense of pride you might get from being able to say "I paid for the whole thing myself". Now, I'm not trying to claim that most people would prefer a cash bar or anything like that, but the claim that it is always wrong or tacky or inhospitable to have a cash bar just doesn't stand with me. If that is actually what your guests would prefer then refusing to give it to them for the sake of being able to say you were the good host and paid for it all is actually whats wrong. Guests come first. 

Etiquette is etiquette.  You don't have to accept it and you don't have to like it...in fact, you may NOT like it...but it is still proper etiquette.

It is rude to expect guests to pay for ANYTHING at a wedding. 

No different than it is rude to interrupt others when they are talking, it is rude to burb, it is rude to not cover ones mouth when yawning, etc.

The rules on etiquette don't change simply because you don't like them or think they are inconvenient.

Etiquette is there to help you be a good host. If my guests would prefer me to break a rule of etiquette than follow it then I would gladly break that rule of etiquette for the sake of being a good hosts and giving my guests what they want. Its as simple as that. But, then again, I'm not planning on having a cash bar or anything like that for my own wedding, so this doesn't apply to anything I'm actually planning on doing. But the idea that following the rules of etiquette is more important than giving your guests what they want is just wrong to me. If I knew for a fact that most of my guests wanted me to do the dollar dance then even though I think it is tacky and silly I would seriously consider it for their sake and for giving them what they want. I'm not going to put some list of rules above giving my guests what they want, and I would think any good host would do the same. 

MayDay513

Why is this thread still going?

tdred

southernbelle0915 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

As a guest, I don't want to open my wallet at your party. I'm perfectly capable of not drinking for a night. When I accept your hospitality, I expect to be hosted. If I'm not going to be, I might rather just take myself out for the evening. If you have a cash bar, I feel like you're passing your poor planning onto me. If you have a donation bar, I feel guilted into helping you out. Like you're begging.

This, however, I really don't. I mean, if you don't want to open your wallet at a party and are perfectly happy not drinking then what exactly is the problem with a cash bar? No one is forcing you, or even trying to guilt you in any way into spending any money or drinking any alcohol. If you really are truly happy not drinking alcohol, and you're at a wedding with a cash bar and don't want to spend cash, then just don't drink. I really don't get why its something to be upset about or how it has anything to do with poor planning. A cash bar allows the bride and groom to present their guests with the *option* of purchasing alcohol if they would prefer to buy alcohol rather than not drink, it doesn't somehow make it any more difficult for you to refrain from drinking or spending any money. 

I want to address the only thing that you still seem to be unclear on. It sounds like you think it's nice to offer the OPTION for guests to purchase a drink and if they don't want to purchase one, it'd be no different for them than a dry wedding. I understand that argument. Here's why it's rude:

When guests have to pay for something that is offered by the hosts at a party, that party is not properly hosted. It's no different than inviting someone to your house where you prepared pasta (water/soda) and steak (alcohol). If the guest opts for steak you say, "that'll be $6". You just don't offer it if you're not planning to host it. 

Did you read this? Is there something that is confusing about it?

tdred said:

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? This isn't rude, but making guests subsidize said party IS rude. As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? Yes - this can be accomplished by "proper hosting" (see above). If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? This is where your logic is off. You don't know for sure what your guests want. Like @NYCBruin said, her friends probably think she prefers cash bars - she doesn't. My friends probably think the same thing - I don't. Your guests are going to prefer all kinds of things. You cannot possibly provide everyone with their favorite meal, their favorite drink and their favorite music. People like different things. You're not a rude host for offering filet mignon just because a guest prefers lobster tail and you're "refusing to allow them the kind of party they would prefer" because of this choice. Same thing with the bar. You're not a rude host for offering soft drinks because some guests prefer beer. You're not a rude host for offering beer and wine when some guests prefer liquor. You ARE a rude host for offering something and making your guests pay for it.  The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. If you're capable of doing it, then DO IT! If you can't afford it, then host what you CAN afford. If your guests aren't gracious enough to accept what you offered, then your GUESTS are rude, not you.

Yes, I read that. And I see that that is the argument being put forward against cash bars, but it still doesn't make sense to me. If I were to know, for a fact, that my guests would prefer a cash bar to no alcohol then the best way to be a good host would be to ignore this rule of etiquette in this particular situation and give them what they want. The rule is there for a good reason, but it is not necessarily going to apply to every single case. 

TheBaysideBride

My cousin had a cash bar and honestly, for one sec I was like, what?? because i had never seen one, and then just got a drink and enjoyed the rest of the party. Considering I probably would have been cut from the guest list if they had to shrink it more to cover the booze, I'm glad I got to be there!

 

KDM323

tdred said:

drexelkathy said:

tdred said:

Also, as to the idea of cutting down on the guest list... What if its already cut down to your close friends and family? Sorry, but giving your guests what they prefer comes before any sense of pride you might get from being able to say "I paid for the whole thing myself". Now, I'm not trying to claim that most people would prefer a cash bar or anything like that, but the claim that it is always wrong or tacky or inhospitable to have a cash bar just doesn't stand with me. If that is actually what your guests would prefer then refusing to give it to them for the sake of being able to say you were the good host and paid for it all is actually whats wrong. Guests come first. 

Etiquette is etiquette.  You don't have to accept it and you don't have to like it...in fact, you may NOT like it...but it is still proper etiquette.

It is rude to expect guests to pay for ANYTHING at a wedding. 

No different than it is rude to interrupt others when they are talking, it is rude to burb, it is rude to not cover ones mouth when yawning, etc.

The rules on etiquette don't change simply because you don't like them or think they are inconvenient.

Etiquette is there to help you be a good host. If my guests would prefer me to break a rule of etiquette than follow it then I would gladly break that rule of etiquette for the sake of being a good hosts and giving my guests what they want. Its as simple as that. But, then again, I'm not planning on having a cash bar or anything like that for my own wedding, so this doesn't apply to anything I'm actually planning on doing. But the idea that following the rules of etiquette is more important than giving your guests what they want is just wrong to me. If I knew for a fact that most of my guests wanted me to do the dollar dance then even though I think it is tacky and silly I would seriously consider it for their sake and for giving them what they want. I'm not going to put some list of rules above giving my guests what they want, and I would think any good host would do the same. 

So, you'd go along and do something that you know is wrong simply because it is what your friends want you to do?

That's not a very wise way to go about hosting events or doing things...

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

Also, the worst wedding I've been to thus far had fully hosted alcohol.

Oooh details, please!  I'm sorry, but I love to hear about trainwrecks as well as the awesome events too.

P.S. I keep reading your name as TheFutureMrsRohan, lol.  Do you like LoTR, by any chance?

tdred

And, just for everybody bringing up the fact that guests are going to be fine without alcohol, yes, of course they will, they're there for you to celebrate your day. My most recent point has been that as a host your job is to make your guests happy. If you were to know for a fact that a certain option of what you can afford would make them the happiest, then it would be the correct thing, as a host, to go for that option, even if it happens to go against the technical rules of etiquette. Being a host is about making the guests happy, If you knew for a fact that of the options you are able to provide the option that would make them happiest is a cash bar, but you decided to refuse to give them what they want (the cash bar) then you are not being a good host. You are caring more about the rules of etiquette than you are about your guests. And while I admit that such a scenario probably does not happen very often, I don't understand why its so difficult to see that refusing to give your guests what they want for the sake of following the rules of etiquette is putting the rules of etiquette above your guests. In other words, it is to fail to put your guests first. And, since a wedding reception is supposed to be a thank you to your guests I would assume it is better to put your guests first, even if it means breaking an abstract rule of etiquette. 

MayDay513

Thank you! Now can you get off your soap box?

tdred

tdred said:

drexelkathy said:

tdred said:

Also, as to the idea of cutting down on the guest list... What if its already cut down to your close friends and family? Sorry, but giving your guests what they prefer comes before any sense of pride you might get from being able to say "I paid for the whole thing myself". Now, I'm not trying to claim that most people would prefer a cash bar or anything like that, but the claim that it is always wrong or tacky or inhospitable to have a cash bar just doesn't stand with me. If that is actually what your guests would prefer then refusing to give it to them for the sake of being able to say you were the good host and paid for it all is actually whats wrong. Guests come first. 

Etiquette is etiquette.  You don't have to accept it and you don't have to like it...in fact, you may NOT like it...but it is still proper etiquette.

It is rude to expect guests to pay for ANYTHING at a wedding. 

No different than it is rude to interrupt others when they are talking, it is rude to burb, it is rude to not cover ones mouth when yawning, etc.

The rules on etiquette don't change simply because you don't like them or think they are inconvenient.

Etiquette is there to help you be a good host. If my guests would prefer me to break a rule of etiquette than follow it then I would gladly break that rule of etiquette for the sake of being a good hosts and giving my guests what they want. Its as simple as that. But, then again, I'm not planning on having a cash bar or anything like that for my own wedding, so this doesn't apply to anything I'm actually planning on doing. But the idea that following the rules of etiquette is more important than giving your guests what they want is just wrong to me. If I knew for a fact that most of my guests wanted me to do the dollar dance then even though I think it is tacky and silly I would seriously consider it for their sake and for giving them what they want. I'm not going to put some list of rules above giving my guests what they want, and I would think any good host would do the same. 

So, you'd go along and do something that you know is wrong simply because it is what your friends want you to do?

That's not a very wise way to go about hosting events or doing things...

Do something wrong for the sake of what a few friends want? No, but put the desires of my guests as a whole before the abstract rules of etiquette which exist for the sake of helping people figure out how to put their guests first? Absolutely. Guests come first. Period, even if it means breaking a rule of etiquette. 

tammym1001

So then can I get my steak at your wedding if I pay for it while everyone else who doesn't have the cash for steak gets to eat chicken since that's what i would prefer?

APDSS22

I do like LoTR...and I should probably get used to that because that's how I read it when I see it in the forums when I'm on my laptop.  My phone fixes it by pushing it more off to the side for some reason...

The worst wedding I went to was awful for many reasons. 
1. There wasn't enough seating.
2. The "favor" was a program that was also a fan. (They stuck it on a popsicle stick, SO clever!) 
3. I believe she sent invites out way too soon, but I didn't exactly mark it on a calendar.
4. The wedding started late.
5. Everyone that did have a seat was literally crammed together.  I was almost sitting on my friend's lap.  This was when we figured out the fan didn't work...
6. It was hard to hear much of what was said during the ceremony, which seemed to run long.  (Lots of watch-checking from guests and even a bridesmaid.)
7. The only advertised bathroom for guests was outside.  It was about 50 degrees out and the bathroom was not heated.  Apparently there was another one behind the bar, but no one knew about it because it was a secret...only the bridal party knew.
8. The music at the reception was WAY TOO LOUD!!!  The appropriate volume level was about....the ladies room outside.
9. I was seated with several other friends next to the drafty door.  We were served our food last and it was cold. And gross. Actually, at least I was seated with friends.  One girl was seated at the next table by herself. (We let her join us.)
10.  The alcohol was hosted, but it was cocktails only and the bartenders pretty much just served you a shot.  Want a cosmo?  Mostly vodka, lightly pink from the cranberry but you couldn't taste it.
11.  The cake was served after most of the guests had gone deaf from the dj and it was dry.  FI and I grabbed a piece on our way out.  Pretty much just capped the night.
12.  She included an insert with all registry info with the invite.
13.  I never did get a thank you note for the gift I bought her off her registry.
14.  I was invited to the bachelorette party.  It was several hours away from me, I got the invite 2 days in advance and couldn't get off work but I wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.

I think there was more but I was trying to block most of it from my mind so...

tdred

huynhette said:

Thank you! Now can you get off your soap box?

I guess you're right that this thread has kind of turned into that. I'm sorry about that. I really did start it for the sake of trying to understand where other people are coming from. And it did help. I totally understand why people find the idea of a donations bar thingy off-putting now whereas before I couldn't. I also understand why it is usually better to have no alcohol than to have a cash bar. This thread has been really helpful in helping me see all that more clearly. I just got caught up on the idea that following etiquette is more important than making your guests happy. And I guess thats a place where we will just have to agree to disagree.  Thanks everyone for your input, and I'm sorry for turning this into a fight or an occasion for me to stand on a soapbox. I hope you all have a great day, despite my unpleasant thread!

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I do like LoTR...and I should probably get used to that because that's how I read it when I see it in the forums when I'm on my laptop.  My phone fixes it by pushing it more off to the side for some reason...

The worst wedding I went to was awful for many reasons. 
1. There wasn't enough seating.
2. The "favor" was a program that was also a fan. (They stuck it on a popsicle stick, SO clever!) 
3. I believe she sent invites out way too soon, but I didn't exactly mark it on a calendar.
4. The wedding started late.
5. Everyone that did have a seat was literally crammed together.  I was almost sitting on my friend's lap.  This was when we figured out the fan didn't work...
6. It was hard to hear much of what was said during the ceremony, which seemed to run long.  (Lots of watch-checking from guests and even a bridesmaid.)
7. The only advertised bathroom for guests was outside.  It was about 50 degrees out and the bathroom was not heated.  Apparently there was another one behind the bar, but no one knew about it because it was a secret...only the bridal party knew.
8. The music at the reception was WAY TOO LOUD!!!  The appropriate volume level was about....the ladies room outside.
9. I was seated with several other friends next to the drafty door.  We were served our food last and it was cold. And gross. Actually, at least I was seated with friends.  One girl was seated at the next table by herself. (We let her join us.)
10.  The alcohol was hosted, but it was cocktails only and the bartenders pretty much just served you a shot.  Want a cosmo?  Mostly vodka, lightly pink from the cranberry but you couldn't taste it.
11.  The cake was served after most of the guests had gone deaf from the dj and it was dry.  FI and I grabbed a piece on our way out.  Pretty much just capped the night.
12.  She included an insert with all registry info with the invite.
13.  I never did get a thank you note for the gift I bought her off her registry.
14.  I was invited to the bachelorette party.  It was several hours away from me, I got the invite 2 days in advance and couldn't get off work but I wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.

I think there was more but I was trying to block most of it from my mind so...

southernbelle0915

tdred said:

southernbelle0915 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

As a guest, I don't want to open my wallet at your party. I'm perfectly capable of not drinking for a night. When I accept your hospitality, I expect to be hosted. If I'm not going to be, I might rather just take myself out for the evening. If you have a cash bar, I feel like you're passing your poor planning onto me. If you have a donation bar, I feel guilted into helping you out. Like you're begging.

This, however, I really don't. I mean, if you don't want to open your wallet at a party and are perfectly happy not drinking then what exactly is the problem with a cash bar? No one is forcing you, or even trying to guilt you in any way into spending any money or drinking any alcohol. If you really are truly happy not drinking alcohol, and you're at a wedding with a cash bar and don't want to spend cash, then just don't drink. I really don't get why its something to be upset about or how it has anything to do with poor planning. A cash bar allows the bride and groom to present their guests with the *option* of purchasing alcohol if they would prefer to buy alcohol rather than not drink, it doesn't somehow make it any more difficult for you to refrain from drinking or spending any money. 

I want to address the only thing that you still seem to be unclear on. It sounds like you think it's nice to offer the OPTION for guests to purchase a drink and if they don't want to purchase one, it'd be no different for them than a dry wedding. I understand that argument. Here's why it's rude:

When guests have to pay for something that is offered by the hosts at a party, that party is not properly hosted. It's no different than inviting someone to your house where you prepared pasta (water/soda) and steak (alcohol). If the guest opts for steak you say, "that'll be $6". You just don't offer it if you're not planning to host it. 

Did you read this? Is there something that is confusing about it?

tdred said:

And that I just don't understand. How is it rude to give your guests the kind of party they would prefer? This isn't rude, but making guests subsidize said party IS rude. As a host isn't the point to ensure your guests are happy and comfortable and have a good time? Yes - this can be accomplished by "proper hosting" (see above). If your guests would honestly prefer paying for their own drinks for the sake of having a long party with music dancing and alcohol then isn't it actually kind of rude to refuse to allow them to have the kind of party they would prefer for the sake of being able to say that you paid for the whole thing? This is where your logic is off. You don't know for sure what your guests want. Like @NYCBruin said, her friends probably think she prefers cash bars - she doesn't. My friends probably think the same thing - I don't. Your guests are going to prefer all kinds of things. You cannot possibly provide everyone with their favorite meal, their favorite drink and their favorite music. People like different things. You're not a rude host for offering filet mignon just because a guest prefers lobster tail and you're "refusing to allow them the kind of party they would prefer" because of this choice. Same thing with the bar. You're not a rude host for offering soft drinks because some guests prefer beer. You're not a rude host for offering beer and wine when some guests prefer liquor. You ARE a rude host for offering something and making your guests pay for it.  The point of being a host is to make sure your guests enjoy themselves, I can't see how it is hospitable to refuse to give them what they want if you are capable of doing so. If you're capable of doing it, then DO IT! If you can't afford it, then host what you CAN afford. If your guests aren't gracious enough to accept what you offered, then your GUESTS are rude, not you.

Yes, I read that. And I see that that is the argument being put forward against cash bars, but it still doesn't make sense to me. If I were to know, for a fact, that my guests would prefer a cash bar to no alcohol then the best way to be a good host would be to ignore this rule of etiquette in this particular situation and give them what they want. The rule is there for a good reason, but it is not necessarily going to apply to every single case. 

You can't know that for a fact. Even if you were to ask each guest individually (which I doubt any B/G has truly and actually ever done... "I swear I asked every single guest. EVERYONE!" yea ok, sure you did), guests might not tell you how they really feel because they don't want to rain on your wedding planning parade. 

It's one thing if you don't agree with the argument. It's another if it doesn't "make sense". Please tell me it's the former, not the latter.