Donation bar worse than cash bar or no bar???

daveANDkristen

tdred said:

 

As for my own wedding and the idea of cutting down other costs, don't worry, we are. Everything is being cut down, to the point that we're not even having a honeymoon. And of everything being cut down the three non-negotiobles which will not be cut no matter what are food, alcohol, and music, and you know why? Because I care about making sure my guests enjoy themselves and have a good time. So before anyone starts labeling me as a douchebag who is just out for money and doesn't care about her guests maybe you should take another look at the world around you and realize that the plain fact is that there are plenty of people who just can't afford a fancy or expensive wedding, or even one that follows all of the rules of "etiquette". As it is, we are probably going to take the full expense of alcohol ourselves anyway, even though it will leave us with some credit card debt for the very reason that we care about ensuring our guests actually enjoy themselves. So maybe you should think twice next time before labelling someone as a douche who doesn't care about their guests. 

Nobody labeled you as a douchebag, your donation jar idea reminded someone of a "douchebag jar" gif.  Don't be so sensitive. 

Etiquette doesn't cost a dime. 

That is your choice.  You could also wait to get married until you have saved enough money to pay for the wedding, rather than starting your marriage out with "bad debt". 

From what I have read so far (page 1) you have the right idea - hosting your guests properly.  Don't be so defensive about tacky things that you said you're not even planning on doing yourself!

 

tdred

It's one thing if you don't agree with the argument. It's another if it doesn't "make sense". Please tell me it's the former, not the latter.

It can also be both. I can disagree because it doesn't make sense to me. But, I think at this point we should probably just drop it. I'm sorry for turning this into a fight. 

MGP

Hosting an open bar is expensive no doubt, but what's to say that their guests can even afford their own bar tab?  And what are they going to say when they get to the bar, order a drink, and are then asked for payment?  "Sorry, I can't afford it".  There certainly were people at my wedding who could not have afforded to pay for their own drinks and I would never put any of my guests in that position.  That's about the rudest thing you could do to them.

Has anyone actually gone to a wedding where you knew it would be a cash bar beforehand?  I sure haven't, and by the time I found out it was I was PISSED.  Attending weddings can get expensive, at least other costs like gifts, travel, etc. are anticipated and can somewhat be controlled.

Bottom line is - cash bars are rude not only because you are asking your guests to open their wallets, it's usually a surprise and added expense.  Probably why people get so up in arms about this topic.

TheBaysideBride

why am i still reading this post???

NeverNormal

Now you all have me wondering if a partially hosted bar is horrible.  

We are providing unlimited sodas and coffee all evening and we're providing both a red and white wine and 2 kinds of beer.  If our guests want mixed drinks, they can purchase them.  The only reason we are doing that is because the venue will charge us for the entire bottle of booze if only one shot is taken out of if, and we don't get to take the opened bottle home.  We cannot limit the choices either.  It would just be too costly to open ourselves up to that sort of expense since there is no way to budget for that.

I dont personally think there is anything wrong with the way we are doing it.

Maggie0829

NeverNormal said:

Now you all have me wondering if a partially hosted bar is horrible.  

We are providing unlimited sodas and coffee all evening and we're providing both a red and white wine and 2 kinds of beer.  If our guests want mixed drinks, they can purchase them.  The only reason we are doing that is because the venue will charge us for the entire bottle of booze if only one shot is taken out of if, and we don't get to take the opened bottle home.  We cannot limit the choices either.  It would just be too costly to open ourselves up to that sort of expense since there is no way to budget for that.

I dont personally think there is anything wrong with the way we are doing it.

All I will say, is do not offer things that you are not willing or able to pay for.  What is so wrong with just offering the non-alcoholic beverages and the beer and wine and that be it?  Why feel the need to include items that your guests will have to pay for?

ashleyep

MGP said:

Hosting an open bar is expensive no doubt, but what's to say that their guests can even afford their own bar tab?  And what are they going to say when they get to the bar, order a drink, and are then asked for payment?  "Sorry, I can't afford it".  There certainly were people at my wedding who could not have afforded to pay for their own drinks and I would never put any of my guests in that position.  That's about the rudest thing you could do to them.

Has anyone actually gone to a wedding where you knew it would be a cash bar beforehand?  I sure haven't, and by the time I found out it was I was PISSED.  Attending weddings can get expensive, at least other costs like gifts, travel, etc. are anticipated and can somewhat be controlled.

Bottom line is - cash bars are rude not only because you are asking your guests to open their wallets, it's usually a surprise and added expense.  Probably why people get so up in arms about this topic.

Yes. All of the ones I've been to I've known in advance. They usually make it clear so the guests have cash.

KickAssMOH

When I attend a wedding, I write a nice check to the bride and groom and that's all the "donation" they're going to get from me - a dollar amount that I made up my mind about prior to attending the wedding. If I saw a donation jar at the bar, I would take my free drink, tip the bartender, and think to myself "yikes". I would come back for 2 more drinks and still would not contribute to the donation jar. THE WEDDING GIFT IS THE DONATION. That's all you get.

MGP

ashleyep said:

Yes. All of the ones I've been to I've known in advance. They usually make it clear so the guests have cash.

Just curious was it on the invite (oh the horror of that!) or were you just told?  At least you knew what to expect.  

ElcaB

ashleyep

MGP said:

ashleyep said:

Yes. All of the ones I've been to I've known in advance. They usually make it clear so the guests have cash.

Just curious was it on the invite (oh the horror of that!) or were you just told?  At least you knew what to expect.  

Some were family or friends, so I knew because I knew a lot of their planning. Others had it on their wedding website. None had it on their invite. 

STARMOON44

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

tdred

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

tdred

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

I guess I'm wondering because my understanding of a cash bar is that it is usually accompanied by free wine and champagne with dinner, which would seem to fit your idea of having some alcohol for free. But maybe that is not what people on here think of when they think of a cash bar?

Maggie0829

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Seriously what do you not get about not having your guests open their wallets for anything?? Instead of calling it a partially hosted bar why don't we call it a partial cash bar.  Does that help? Buy having some items for sale and other items not for sale you are basically planning a more lavish event then you can afford and thus want your guests to subsidize some of the cost.

What it comes down to is this...host what you can afford and afford what you are hosting.

I have never been to a wedding with a limited bar (beer and wine only) and thought those assholes didn't provide me with vodka.  I was grateful for what they did provide.  But I have been to weddings with partial hosted bars and thought, "wow, so you will pay for my beer or wine, but you won't pay for a mixed drink but still offer it up as long as I open up my wallet?"

PrettyGirlLost

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Having any alcohol avaiable for purchase is not ok. Partially hosted bars are not ok.

Limited hosted bars, where you only host beer and wine for instance, and no cocktails are availabe for purchase, are ok.

tdred

Maggie0829 said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Seriously what do you not get about not having your guests open their wallets for anything?? Instead of calling it a partially hosted bar why don't we call it a partial cash bar.  Does that help? Buy having some items for sale and other items not for sale you are basically planning a more lavish event then you can afford and thus want your guests to subsidize some of the cost.

What it comes down to is this...host what you can afford and afford what you are hosting.

I have never been to a wedding with a limited bar (beer and wine only) and thought those assholes didn't provide me with vodka.  I was grateful for what they did provide.  But I have been to weddings with partial hosted bars and thought, "wow, so you will pay for my beer or wine, but you won't pay for a mixed drink but still offer it up as long as I open up my wallet?"

I was asking the starmoon because they seemed to have a different opinion than the rest of you so I was trying to understand their position better. I am not trying to argue for cash bars. I am not trying to start a fight. I am just trying to understand starmoon's opinion.

tdred

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Having any alcohol avaiable for purchase is not ok. Partially hosted bars are not ok. Limited hosted bars, where you only host beer and wine for instance, and no cocktails are availabe for purchase, are ok.

Could you explain the difference between a limited hosted bar and a partially hosted bar? 

Maggie0829

tdred said:

I was asking the starmoon because they seemed to have a different opinion than the rest of you so I was trying to understand their position better. I am not trying to argue for cash bars. I am not trying to start a fight. I am just trying to understand starmoon's opinion.

Actually it seems that Starmoon and I have the same opinion on partially hosted bars. And that opinion is that they are rude.

KeptInStitches

Limited hosted bar = e.g., beer, wine, signature cocktail, and nothing else. Absolutely nothing available for purchase.

Partially hosted bar = e.g., free beer, wine; mixed drinks available for purchase.

ETA: @Maggie0829 and I are channeling each other.

Maggie0829

@tdred

A limited hosted bar = hosting just beer and wine and maybe a signature drink plus any non-alcoholic beverages

A partially hosted bar = you have a full bar but are only paying for beer and wine and all other mixed drinks are available for cash purchase by your guests.

PrettyGirlLost

tdred said:

Maggie0829 said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Seriously what do you not get about not having your guests open their wallets for anything?? Instead of calling it a partially hosted bar why don't we call it a partial cash bar.  Does that help? Buy having some items for sale and other items not for sale you are basically planning a more lavish event then you can afford and thus want your guests to subsidize some of the cost.

What it comes down to is this...host what you can afford and afford what you are hosting.

I have never been to a wedding with a limited bar (beer and wine only) and thought those assholes didn't provide me with vodka.  I was grateful for what they did provide.  But I have been to weddings with partial hosted bars and thought, "wow, so you will pay for my beer or wine, but you won't pay for a mixed drink but still offer it up as long as I open up my wallet?"

I was asking the starmoon because they seemed to have a different opinion than the rest of you so I was trying to understand their position better. I am not trying to argue for cash bars. I am not trying to start a fight. I am just trying to understand starmoon's opinion.

I just reread Starmoon's post, and her opinion is the same as mine and many others in this thread:

Cash bars and partially hosted bars are not ok. Open bars, limited bars, and dry weddings are ok.

tdred

Maggie0829 said:

tdred said:

I was asking the starmoon because they seemed to have a different opinion than the rest of you so I was trying to understand their position better. I am not trying to argue for cash bars. I am not trying to start a fight. I am just trying to understand starmoon's opinion.

Actually it seems that Starmoon and I have the same opinion on partially hosted bars. And that opinion is that they are rude.

Then I must be misunderstanding something. Starmoon said it was ok to have some alcohol for purchase so long as you also have some alcohol available for free. From what everyone else seems to have been saying on this thread so far that would be a huge faux pas because you would be allowing your guests to pay for a part of the wedding (their drinks). I'm trying to understand why Starmoon thinks its fine to have people pay for some drinks so long as there are also some drinks available for free while at the same time agreeing that a cash bar, when other alcohol is still available for free would be wrong. 

Maggie0829

@tdred please read my post where I define limited hosted bar and partially hosted bar for you.  What Starmoon said is that it is ok to have a limited hosted bar but that a partially hosted bar will make your wedding resemble a carnival.

tdred

Thanks for clearing it up guys. I had never heard the term "limited bar" so when Starmoon said that having a limited amount free was ok I didn't realize she meant having a limited amount free and nothing else available. I misread it to mean that a limited amount was free and the rest was available for purchase. Sorry for being so dense

PrettyGirlLost

tdred said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

tdred said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often"

I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival?

Having any alcohol avaiable for purchase is not ok. Partially hosted bars are not ok.

Limited hosted bars, where you only host beer and wine for instance, and no cocktails are availabe for purchase, are ok.

Could you explain the difference between a limited hosted bar and a partially hosted bar? 

@tdred, I did explain the diference in my post. Maybe not well, though.

Limited bars are where you host only beer and wine, but no cocktails, and the beer and wine is free; Cocktails are not available for purchase. Partially hosted is where beer and wine is free, but guests have to pay for cocktails.

STARMOON44

Nooonononono. Re-read my post. I do NOT think that having some alcohol for pay and some for free is fine. At all. I think it's rude to have a partial cash bar. And fine to only offer certain drinks. Just like everyone else here except you. No. Guests. Paying. For. Anything.

Gisellerina

Does this thread give anyone else the urge to attend, uninvited, a wedding in a park?

MobKaz

tdred said: PrettyGirlLost said: STARMOON44 said: I think a partially hosted bar is just as bad (assuming by partially hosted we mean some stuff is available for purchase, not that a limited selection is all free, which is fine) as a full cash bar. Your wedding is not a carnival. Nothing should be available for purchase. But, usually people only ask about that after they've made all of the decisions that make it impossible to change. If hosting your guests appropriately is a priority, then you need to find this stuff out before you sign a contract. If you didn't, looks like you're being rude, no way round it. As Dumbledore said, "yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs so often" I'm just curious, and I'm really not trying to turn this back into a fight, I promise it won't go there, but is there a reason that having some alcohol available for purchase is ok so long as some is available for free if the reason it is wrong to have alcohol for purchase is that having *anything* for purchase at your wedding is like turning it into a carnival? Having any alcohol avaiable for purchase is not ok. Partially hosted bars are not ok. Limited hosted bars, where you only host beer and wine for instance, and no cocktails are availabe for purchase, are ok. Could you explain the difference between a limited hosted bar and a partially hosted bar? 

Hosted implies complimentary.  Limited means only a few beverage choices are offered.  A limited hosted bar may include beer, wine, a signature drink, and soft drinks.  No other beverages are available.  A partially hosted bar means I will offer complimentary beer, wine, a signature drink, and soft drinks.  Guests can choose to purchase other bar offerings available such as mixed drinks, imported beers, or  liqueurs.

Maggie0829

@PrettyGirlLost and @ STARMOON44 - she figured it out.

I think it is time for myself and everyone else to...