(Venting) People are SO rude! It takes 30 seconds to return an RSVP!!!!

Lilnaz11

Our wedding is on Sep. 28th. We sent out out 240 invitations the last week of July, with a "reply by" date of Aug 23. We have only received 170 back! WHY???? IT TAKES AT THE MOST 30 SECONDS to write your name on the card, and drop it i the mail! Oh, and if that's too much trouble for you, we put our online RSVP option on the RSVP card as well. People are so stinkin rude! What frustrates me the most is that my FMIL had a huge guest list. 99% of the list live out of state, so she made it clear that most wouldn't come, but that out of formality, we should invite them. Both her and my fiancé stressed how big of a deal it was for these people to receive invites, and that out of "respect" we should invite them, blah blah blah.....well if it was such a big deal for them to receive invites, then why can't they be mutually respectful?? Please keep in mind that including postage, each invitation came out to approx $3....at 240 invitations, do the math! I'm sick thinking about how much we spent on invites for rude people who can't reply. To top all that, we received the room block list from the hotel yesterday, and several people who have not yet RSVP'd, have in fact booked their rooms. So, you can take the time to book your room, but not actually tell US you're coming? Thanks for only thinking of yourself people!! In retrospect- I should have created 2 different versions of the invite, the nice version, and also one very basic version for the people who "we know are not coming". The basic version would still be pretty, but no pocket fold, no ribbon tied around it, and only an online RSVP requested....saving material and postage! I won't do it, but I'm tempted to not even reach out to be the remaining RSVPs. I'm tempted to just not create escort cards for those who didn't reply! If you can't fill out an RSVP, then I don't have the to find you a seat a the reception. I have asked my FMIL to call the folks from her list who have not RSVP'd...and my bridesmaids are calling the rest. Sigh....I'm only venting.

crunchymamaof2

I totally get your frusteration. But did your bridesmaids offer to call people for you?

banana468

I get the v frustration too but why was your response date so early? They shouldn't be more than a month before the big day. That's part of your problem right there.

You have great bridesmaids if they all volunteered to take this job away from you.

misssunshine17

banana468 said:

I get the v frustration too but why was your response date so early? They shouldn't be more than a month before the big day. That's part of your problem right there. You have great bridesmaids if they all volunteered to take this job away from you.

This exactly. 

APDSS22

I personally know that some of our invites got lost in the mail. I ended up talking to everyone that hadn't RSVP'd and about half were due to the post office losing the response or invite. Those that room blocked though, SUPER rude and I definitely echo your frustration!

kmmssg

We are on our 4th DD's wedding - it is next Summer.  I guess I don't get crazy over RSVP's because from their weddings and my time on here seeing brides flip out over this, I have come to realize that a majority of society just doesn't RSVP in a timely manner.  I my nine years on here it has seemed pretty consistent to me.  (I was the RSVP chaser for the first 3 weddings so I HAVE been there).

So, first - take a bit of a Snickers.  Breathe, better?  I'm not trying to be snarky but I do want you to rethink how much you are going to let this affect you.  Stop and think about it - do you seriously feel that all of these guests have said to themselves, "I'm not going to send the RSVP back just so I tweak Lilnaz11's last nerve"?  Do you think they have intentionally said they aren't going to send it back because they just aren't feeling it?

Intent is everything in my book.  Are they being like the rest of our now laid back society?  Probably.  Are they doing this on purpose?  Not likely.

I realize the time and money that has gone into this but I think it is your choice if you choose to speak so bitterly of your guests or if you just get the calls made, solve the problem, and move on.  Since your FI was part of insisting so many of these people be invited, he should be making some of those phone calls too.

Take a step back, readjust, and don't this affect you so negatively.

HisGirlFriday13

First, take a deep breath. You are crazy over-reacting.

Two, acknowledge that some RSVPs may have gotten lost in the mail. The USPS doesn't do so well with smaller-sized envelopes.

Three, realise that you set your RSVP date bizarrely early (do your vendors actually need to know that early?!) and that you're asking people to RSVP probably before they know their work schedules.

And finally, I very much hope your BMs VOLUNTEERED to make those calls, because it's rude of you to ask them if they didn't. You, your FI, and your FMIL should be making those calls.

allispain

Take a deep breath and relax a bit. Is it annoying when you spend time and money to send out invitations and your guests don't bother to RSVP? Yes, yes it is. Is it the end of the world? No, it isn't.

We sent out 60 invitations to our smaller wedding - about 15 people didn't RSVP. Out of them

- 2 had never received the invitation due to the post office messing up

- 2 had sent back an RSVP card but we never received it (again - post office messed up)

- 1 thought he had sent it back, but later found it in a drawer, and therefore apologized profusely for his mistake

- 1 had been recently diagnosed with cancer (which we didn't know until DH called her up about the RSVP) - our wedding was not even on her radar at that moment, which was completely and totally understandable

I think you get my point. Yes, this still leaves guests who didn't RSVP on time and gave no particular reason, however we contacted them, they told us whether or not they would be coming (most were "not"), and the world did not end.

I will say, however, that one of them never responded - not after I called and left a voicemail, I e-mailed, and I left a facebook message, all politely informing her that we never received her RSVP and would like for her to contact us by X date so that we would know whether or not she was coming. Now this was beyond rude, in my mind. I don't care if someone forgets to send back an RSVP card and just needs a reminder - I do care if I'm reaching out to you in multiple ways and you can't bother to respond to me.

NYCMercedes

Some people don't reply promptly or at all. I am having a party in two days and have yet to receive more than 75% replies to my email (not evite) invitation to my friends. God bless the 25% who thanked me for the invitation and replied.

RebeccaB88

Your bridesmaids shouldn't be making those calls. That is up to you and your FI, and your parents.  You need to apologize and take that job back.  

A month early is too far in advance as well.  Probably most of them don't know if they can come or not yet.  You should probably chill for a week or two before making calls.  Give your guests a little more time.  

But yeah, in general, not responding in a timely manner is rude.  

Simply Fated

That is such an awkward call for you bridesmaids to be making. These are your fiance's courtesy invites. He should be dealing with this crap.

There could be a rational explanation, like their RSVPs got lost in the mail or they read it as September 23rd as the deadline.

I'm glad you got to vent, though. Let it all out lol!!

Viczaesar

Your RSVP date was 5 weeks before the wedding, way too early.  Many people don't know their schedules 5 weeks away.

winterbride1989

I disagree that your RSVP date is too early. I know that my numbers have to be in at 4 weeks, so my RSVP time is similar to yours. Besides, even with en early RSVP it is still rude for the guests to not respond. 

banana468

winterbride1989 said:

I disagree that your RSVP date is too early. I know that my numbers have to be in at 4 weeks, so my RSVP time is similar to yours. Besides, even with en early RSVP it is still rude for the guests to not respond. 

Venue requirements don't change the issue that it's rude.   Your issue is that your venue is also bad at planning. 

Viczaesar

Lilnaz11 said:

Our wedding is on Sep. 28th. We sent out out 240 invitations the last week of July, with a "reply by" date of Aug 23. We have only received 170 back! WHY???? IT TAKES AT THE MOST 30 SECONDS to write your name on the card, and drop it i the mail! Oh, and if that's too much trouble for you, we put our online RSVP option on the RSVP card as well. People are so stinkin rude! What frustrates me the most is that my FMIL had a huge guest list. 99% of the list live out of state, so she made it clear that most wouldn't come, but that out of formality, we should invite them. Both her and my fiancé stressed how big of a deal it was for these people to receive invites, and that out of "respect" we should invite them, blah blah blah.....well if it was such a big deal for them to receive invites, then why can't they be mutually respectful?? Please keep in mind that including postage, each invitation came out to approx $3....at 240 invitations, do the math! I'm sick thinking about how much we spent on invites for rude people who can't reply. To top all that, we received the room block list from the hotel yesterday, and several people who have not yet RSVP'd, have in fact booked their rooms. So, you can take the time to book your room, but not actually tell US you're coming? Thanks for only thinking of yourself people!! In retrospect- I should have created 2 different versions of the invite, the nice version, and also one very basic version for the people who "we know are not coming". The basic version would still be pretty, but no pocket fold, no ribbon tied around it, and only an online RSVP requested....saving material and postage! I won't do it, but I'm tempted to not even reach out to be the remaining RSVPs. I'm tempted to just not create escort cards for those who didn't reply! If you can't fill out an RSVP, then I don't have the to find you a seat a the reception. I have asked my FMIL to call the folks from her list who have not RSVP'd...and my bridesmaids are calling the rest. Sigh....I'm only venting.

JIC.

winterbride1989

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

crunchymamaof2

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

Do they hold weddings often there? If so they should have a better system worked out.

winterbride1989

acove2006 said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

Do they hold weddings often there? If so they should have a better system worked out.

They do hold weddings there often, but again this is a few days before Christmas, on an island with one port that is a 12 hour drive from where I live. If you can come up with a better system please come and educate us all on how we've been doing it wrong!

winterbride1989

scribe95 said:

winterbride1989 said:

acove2006 said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

Do they hold weddings often there? If so they should have a better system worked out.

They do hold weddings there often, but again this is a few days before Christmas, on an island with one port that is a 12 hour drive from where I live. If you can come up with a better system please come and educate us all on how we've been doing it wrong!

Clearly this is not a normal situation. Most venues don't have any issues like this and can buy the food a couple days to a week before.

And yet it is totally legitimate which is why I find it better to give people the benefit of the doubt before jumping on them (not you in particular). OP wrote in to vent about an issue and everyone jumped on her early RSVP date. I just wanted to give an example of when one might be necessary. 

lyndausvi

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

I use to live in the islands.  Not an island you can drive to, it's a 3 hour flight from Miami.   EVERYTHING had to be shipped and/or flown in.   We worked for a major resort that was 100% booked at xmas time.  The local vendors were shut down on the 24, 25 AND 26th.  If xmas was on a weekend add in 2 extra days off.  That would be 3-5 days without getting supplies. 

  Even after all that DH (a chef) didn't need hard numbers 4 weeks out.  Soft numbers were due 14 days out and with hard numbers due 72 hours out.

Your venue is trying to get you to give higher numbers knowing those numbers will drop and you will still have to pay.    Sadly it's most couples first time planning such a large event they don't know any better.  Which forces their guests to make plans far out when the are unable to.

banana468

I was hoping you'd chime in @lyndausvi

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

I was hoping you'd chime in @lyndausvi

-- Hi !!  I've been MIA for a while. Hope you are well.

winterbride1989

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

I use to live in the islands.  Not an island you can drive to, it's a 3 hour flight from Miami.   EVERYTHING had to be shipped and/or flown in.   We worked for a major resort that was 100% booked at xmas time.  The local vendors were shut down on the 24, 25 AND 26th.  If xmas was on a weekend add in 2 extra days off.  That would be 3-5 days without getting supplies. 

  Even after all that DH (a chef) didn't need hard numbers 4 weeks out.  Soft numbers were due 14 days out and with hard numbers due 72 hours out.

Your venue is trying to get you to give higher numbers knowing those numbers will drop and you will still have to pay.    Sadly it's most couples first time planning such a large event they don't know any better.  Which forces their guests to make plans far out when the are unable to.

Again, it's very typical of this area for orders to be placed far in advance in all aspects. I do not live in a tropical location, and we often experience delays in the winter and even during the summer if one of the ferries to the island goes out of commission. The point is that you (general you) can never know every situation so it does nobody any good to make blanket statements about things that they have limited information on.

lyndausvi

winterbride1989 said:

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

I use to live in the islands.  Not an island you can drive to, it's a 3 hour flight from Miami.   EVERYTHING had to be shipped and/or flown in.   We worked for a major resort that was 100% booked at xmas time.  The local vendors were shut down on the 24, 25 AND 26th.  If xmas was on a weekend add in 2 extra days off.  That would be 3-5 days without getting supplies. 

  Even after all that DH (a chef) didn't need hard numbers 4 weeks out.  Soft numbers were due 14 days out and with hard numbers due 72 hours out.

Your venue is trying to get you to give higher numbers knowing those numbers will drop and you will still have to pay.    Sadly it's most couples first time planning such a large event they don't know any better.  Which forces their guests to make plans far out when the are unable to.

Again, it's very typical of this area for orders to be placed far in advance in all aspects. I do not live in a tropical location, and we often experience delays in the winter and even during the summer if one of the ferries to the island goes out of commission. The point is that you (general you) can never know every situation so it does nobody any good to make blanket statements about things that they have limited information on.

I still call BS.   A good chef/coordinator knows how to plan around such things.  Besides, it's highly unlikely they are ordering and storing food 4 weeks out.  Most places just do not have the storage capacity. Even in the islands DH only had enough for a week.  Xmas he rented a trailer for the overflow.  Which wasn't delivered until a few days before xmas.   

 Hopefully they are using fresh ingredients.  So things like  vegetables and fruits would not be ordered/delivered until the week of because they would go bad otherwise.   If they use frozen ingredients it more likely they have engineered their menus so ingredients are cross utilized.  So if the hard numbers are lower than the soft numbers the extra food would just be for another function or the restaurant, if they had one.  No waste. 

  Oh and we  had to deal with hurricanes and tropical storms.  A storm in Miami effects us getting supplies.  Snow storms in states would also effect our shipments.

An other note, if ferries being shut down and snow can effect food/supplies getting to the island, wouldn't you be worried about your guests getting to the island or do they have to show up 4 weeks early also?     More than likely they have to use the same or at least a similar form of transportation to get there.

Simply Fated

I think the idea is, regardless of why they need a solid head count four weeks out, the fact that the RSVP date is four weeks out could be the reason so many people haven't RSVPd yet.
It's just a fact that some people can't be sure this far out whether or not they can come.

Don't stress about it. Your fiance can get on the phone and start talking to people. I totally understand having spent postage and everything on them, but in the end, this should be the worst of your problems.

winterbride1989

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

I use to live in the islands.  Not an island you can drive to, it's a 3 hour flight from Miami.   EVERYTHING had to be shipped and/or flown in.   We worked for a major resort that was 100% booked at xmas time.  The local vendors were shut down on the 24, 25 AND 26th.  If xmas was on a weekend add in 2 extra days off.  That would be 3-5 days without getting supplies. 

  Even after all that DH (a chef) didn't need hard numbers 4 weeks out.  Soft numbers were due 14 days out and with hard numbers due 72 hours out.

Your venue is trying to get you to give higher numbers knowing those numbers will drop and you will still have to pay.    Sadly it's most couples first time planning such a large event they don't know any better.  Which forces their guests to make plans far out when the are unable to.

Again, it's very typical of this area for orders to be placed far in advance in all aspects. I do not live in a tropical location, and we often experience delays in the winter and even during the summer if one of the ferries to the island goes out of commission. The point is that you (general you) can never know every situation so it does nobody any good to make blanket statements about things that they have limited information on.

I still call BS.   A good chef/coordinator knows how to plan around such things.  Besides, it's highly unlikely they are ordering and storing food 4 weeks out.  Most places just do not have the storage capacity. Even in the islands DH only had enough for a week.  Xmas he rented a trailer for the overflow.  Which wasn't delivered until a few days before xmas.   

 Hopefully they are using fresh ingredients.  So things like  vegetables and fruits would not be ordered/delivered until the week of because they would go bad otherwise.   If they use frozen ingredients it more likely they have engineered their menus so ingredients are cross utilized.  So if the hard numbers are lower than the soft numbers the extra food would just be for another function or the restaurant, if they had one.  No waste. 

  Oh and we  had to deal with hurricanes and tropical storms.  A storm in Miami effects us getting supplies.  Snow storms in states would also effect our shipments.

An other note, if ferries being shut down and snow can effect food/supplies getting to the island, wouldn't you be worried about your guests getting to the island or do they have to show up 4 weeks early also?     More than likely they have to use the same or at least a similar form of transportation to get there.

Just because they order the food 4 weeks out it doesn't mean it's being stored for that long. No offence but that just shows a basic lack of understanding of ordering logistics. The food does not arrive instantly! However, I'm not going to spend anymore time trying to convince you of anything because since your husband once worked on an island one time you are a universal expert on all islands everywhere. 

OP, whatever the reasons for your early RSVP (and whether it was warranted or not), I hope everything works out for you and just remember soon enough it will all be over with and you'll be married!!!!

lyndausvi

winterbride1989 said:

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

lyndausvi said:

winterbride1989 said:

scribe95 said:

Yeah, there is not legitimate reason for a vendor to have that requirement that early other than they are making you estimate high just in case and you get stuck paying.

Actually I'm getting married a couple days before Christmas and we live on an island so they need to put an order in for their own supplies fairly early. 

I use to live in the islands.  Not an island you can drive to, it's a 3 hour flight from Miami.   EVERYTHING had to be shipped and/or flown in.   We worked for a major resort that was 100% booked at xmas time.  The local vendors were shut down on the 24, 25 AND 26th.  If xmas was on a weekend add in 2 extra days off.  That would be 3-5 days without getting supplies. 

  Even after all that DH (a chef) didn't need hard numbers 4 weeks out.  Soft numbers were due 14 days out and with hard numbers due 72 hours out.

Your venue is trying to get you to give higher numbers knowing those numbers will drop and you will still have to pay.    Sadly it's most couples first time planning such a large event they don't know any better.  Which forces their guests to make plans far out when the are unable to.

Again, it's very typical of this area for orders to be placed far in advance in all aspects. I do not live in a tropical location, and we often experience delays in the winter and even during the summer if one of the ferries to the island goes out of commission. The point is that you (general you) can never know every situation so it does nobody any good to make blanket statements about things that they have limited information on.

I still call BS.   A good chef/coordinator knows how to plan around such things.  Besides, it's highly unlikely they are ordering and storing food 4 weeks out.  Most places just do not have the storage capacity. Even in the islands DH only had enough for a week.  Xmas he rented a trailer for the overflow.  Which wasn't delivered until a few days before xmas.   

 Hopefully they are using fresh ingredients.  So things like  vegetables and fruits would not be ordered/delivered until the week of because they would go bad otherwise.   If they use frozen ingredients it more likely they have engineered their menus so ingredients are cross utilized.  So if the hard numbers are lower than the soft numbers the extra food would just be for another function or the restaurant, if they had one.  No waste. 

  Oh and we  had to deal with hurricanes and tropical storms.  A storm in Miami effects us getting supplies.  Snow storms in states would also effect our shipments.

An other note, if ferries being shut down and snow can effect food/supplies getting to the island, wouldn't you be worried about your guests getting to the island or do they have to show up 4 weeks early also?     More than likely they have to use the same or at least a similar form of transportation to get there.

Just because they order the food 4 weeks out it doesn't mean it's being stored for that long. No offence but that just shows a basic lack of understanding of ordering logistics. The food does not arrive instantly! However, I'm not going to spend anymore time trying to convince you of anything because since your husband once worked on an island one time you are a universal expert on all islands everywhere. 

OP, whatever the reasons for your early RSVP (and whether it was warranted or not), I hope everything works out for you and just remember soon enough it will all be over with and you'll be married!!!!

Actually,  my husband has 25 years of experience and has worked on more than one island.  Also have worked in other places around the country and has consulted in other countries.   I also worked in the industry.  I know the logistics of ordering food.  

Sure that venue might be special snowflake, but it's highly unlikely.   Nope, more often than not planners see their numbers drop in the last 4 weeks of an event. (things pop-up)  The venue knows that and uses it to their advantage.  They pretend they need the numbers for ordering, but what really happens is they double dip.  Yep, they will charge you for the uneaten meals, then go and use the ingredients for another function or a restaurant special.

banana468

But Lynda, what the hell do you know, right?

rklinge0

I agree with you that you should set it early.  I set mine 2 weeks before I really needed it because those 2 weeks after I was tracking down late RSVP's. (We had to have rental numbers and cake finalized 4 weeks in advance.)  There were still a few we never heard from and I counted them as a NO.  It sucks that people can't RSVP but if most are from your fiance's side have his mom or him do it.  When we had 50 mia, most were his so I called his mom and had him talk to his family members.  

hheartsc22

I have a feeling I will have similar issues with some guest. My side of the family is really bad about that kind of thing.

Viczaesar

rklinge0 said:

I agree with you that you should set it early.  I set mine 2 weeks before I really needed it because those 2 weeks after I was tracking down late RSVP's. (We had to have rental numbers and cake finalized 4 weeks in advance.)  There were still a few we never heard from and I counted them as a NO.  It sucks that people can't RSVP but if most are from your fiance's side have his mom or him do it.  When we had 50 mia, most were his so I called his mom and had him talk to his family members.  

Are you saying that you set your RSVP date for 6 weeks before your wedding?