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(Venting) People are SO rude! It takes 30 seconds to return an RSVP!!!!

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Re: (Venting) People are SO rude! It takes 30 seconds to return an RSVP!!!!

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    I would say the people who did not RSVP for me fell into 5 categories:

    (1) Waiting to hear about their work schedule.
    (2) RSVP card was sent but was lost in the mail (one person put a return address sticker on it and confirmed it came back to them.  I agree with previous posters that the Postal Service does not do well with small items.)
    (3) No particular excuse, just forgot.
    (4) Felt bad about saying no, so didn't say anything instead.
    (5) Figured somebody else had told us (Oh, didn't FI's Mom tell you I couldn't make it?  Uh, no...)

    The thing to keep in mind... EVERYONE goes through this, this is normal.  Also: your wedding is a big deal for you, but it is not the top priority for most of your guests.  People are not trying to be rude, but a lot of folks are in the middle of vacation/ back to school/ who knows what craziness right now.  It just got away from them.  Nobody is perfect!  Also keep in mind- two out of the five reasons are pretty legit.  So you want to make sure that you are making your calls/ emails in a good frame of mind so you will sound friendly, not bitter.  I tried to start all of my enquires from the assumption, I'm so sorry to bother you, I'm sure your response got lost in the mail and that is why I did not receive it.  Plenty of people fessed up that they had just failed to reply, but it made for a much more pleasant conversation than if I had been on edge.

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    ItsthevixItsthevix member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2013

    The idea that a month is too far out to know if you're attending a wedding is REDICULOUS, especially if you're coming from out of state. The difference in the cost of feeding 240 versus feeding 100 is HUGE!  And besides, this is THEIR wedding and they can set the dates whenever they want to, to give themselves time to do whatever they need to do. 

    Have the people who wanted to invite them reach out to them one more time  and if they don't respond, RESPECT YOUR OWN CUT OFF DATE. Sending a quick email that says, "We have not received your RSVP for our wedding. We would love to see you there, but understand that you may have other obligations and may not be able to attend. Our last day to be able to process new acceptances is blahblahblah, and after that date, we will be unable to accommodate any new responses. Please ether return the RSVP card at your earliest convenience, or feel free to simply use the online response option. We hope to hear from you!"

    One thing to keep in mind is that these are tough financial times and people who can't afford the trip may be too embarrassed to tell you. If you don't hear back from people in time, send ONE follow up email that says that you are sorry they won't be attending your wedding, but you're looking forward to seeing them at another time.

     

     

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    Hi all, just to jump in: my wedding is also taking place on an island (it's a destination wedding for everyone) and I need "soft" numbers one month out (along with 50% of estimated costs), then exact numbers 2 weeks out. It is not only for ordering food--it's also about staffing the event properly.  Party size makes a big difference in the number of servers, bartenders, people to set up, etc.  

    Because of this, my RSVP date was a little over a month away from the wedding date.  I didn't think anything of it.  The official RSVP deadline just passed, and we're only missing about 10 invitations out of 65, which I thought was sort of normal.  

    I hope everything works out for you, Lilnaz11!
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    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.
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    Itsthevix said:

    The idea that a month is too far out to know if you're attending a wedding is REDICULOUS, especially if you're coming from out of state. The difference in the cost of feeding 240 versus feeding 100 is HUGE!  And besides, this is THEIR wedding and they can set the dates whenever they want to, to give themselves time to do whatever they need to do. 

    Have the people who wanted to invite them reach out to them one more time  and if they don't respond, RESPECT YOUR OWN CUT OFF DATE. Sending a quick email that says, "We have not received your RSVP for our wedding. We would love to see you there, but understand that you may have other obligations and may not be able to attend. Our last day to be able to process new acceptances is blahblahblah, and after that date, we will be unable to accommodate any new responses. Please ether return the RSVP card at your earliest convenience, or feel free to simply use the online response option. We hope to hear from you!"

    One thing to keep in mind is that these are tough financial times and people who can't afford the trip may be too embarrassed to tell you. If you don't hear back from people in time, send ONE follow up email that says that you are sorry they won't be attending your wedding, but you're looking forward to seeing them at another time.

     

     


    This is shitty advice.



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    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.

    That is a bad reason to request early RSVPs.



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    Viczaesar said:
    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.

    That is a bad reason to request early RSVPs.
    Why? A wedding is a major event.  Most people can plan their lives one month in advance.  Do you ever plan to take a Friday off from work one month in advance?  I do. For the few people who don't know by that point, they could always email or call and say, hey, I'd like to come but don't know my work schedule yet, can you give me another week?  (Or they could simply not RSVP, as is the case here, and then I'd have to follow up myself). FWIW, my wedding is a Saturday night, 90% of my guests are local, and I don't know a single one of my invitees who has scheduled work on Saturdays.  If a lot of your friends are shift or weekend workers, you may have to be more flexible.  But why hold up all of your RSVPs for a few special cases?


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    Viczaesar said:
    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.

    That is a bad reason to request early RSVPs.
    Why? A wedding is a major event.  Most people can plan their lives one month in advance.  Do you ever plan to take a Friday off from work one month in advance?  I do. For the few people who don't know by that point, they could always email or call and say, hey, I'd like to come but don't know my work schedule yet, can you give me another week?  (Or they could simply not RSVP, as is the case here, and then I'd have to follow up myself). FWIW, my wedding is a Saturday night, 90% of my guests are local, and I don't know a single one of my invitees who has scheduled work on Saturdays.  If a lot of your friends are shift or weekend workers, you may have to be more flexible.  But why hold up all of your RSVPs for a few special cases?


    Because the reception is about thanking your guests for witnessing your marriage.  Forcing your guests to respond early because you feel like it is simply mean.  And those of us who are "special cases" really do appreciate the thought.  The only things I have ever planned a month or more out are family vacations.  Things that necessarily involve a lot of coordination of people's schedules and vacation days on equal footing.  Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you and your FI.  To expect people to know their work schedules that far in advance and cater to your wedding vision is ridiculous and self-centered.
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    Viczaesar said:
    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.

    That is a bad reason to request early RSVPs.
    Why? A wedding is a major event.  Most people can plan their lives one month in advance.  Do you ever plan to take a Friday off from work one month in advance?  I do. For the few people who don't know by that point, they could always email or call and say, hey, I'd like to come but don't know my work schedule yet, can you give me another week?  (Or they could simply not RSVP, as is the case here, and then I'd have to follow up myself). FWIW, my wedding is a Saturday night, 90% of my guests are local, and I don't know a single one of my invitees who has scheduled work on Saturdays.  If a lot of your friends are shift or weekend workers, you may have to be more flexible.  But why hold up all of your RSVPs for a few special cases?



    Because it's inconveniencing your guests for a silly reason. And no, not everyone knows whether they can take a Friday off a month in advance.



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    Viczaesar said:
    There are also other reasons for wanting your RSVPs 4 weeks out, other than food.  For example, I am going to have my table numbers/escort cards done by someone on etsy.  I want to have more than 2 weeks cushion time for her to process the order and mail the items to me.

    That is a bad reason to request early RSVPs.
    Why? A wedding is a major event.  Most people can plan their lives one month in advance.  Do you ever plan to take a Friday off from work one month in advance?  I do. For the few people who don't know by that point, they could always email or call and say, hey, I'd like to come but don't know my work schedule yet, can you give me another week?  (Or they could simply not RSVP, as is the case here, and then I'd have to follow up myself). FWIW, my wedding is a Saturday night, 90% of my guests are local, and I don't know a single one of my invitees who has scheduled work on Saturdays.  If a lot of your friends are shift or weekend workers, you may have to be more flexible.  But why hold up all of your RSVPs for a few special cases?


    Because the reception is about thanking your guests for witnessing your marriage.  Forcing your guests to respond early because you feel like it is simply mean.  And those of us who are "special cases" really do appreciate the thought.  The only things I have ever planned a month or more out are family vacations.  Things that necessarily involve a lot of coordination of people's schedules and vacation days on equal footing.  Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you and your FI.  To expect people to know their work schedules that far in advance and cater to your wedding vision is ridiculous and self-centered.
    I think that's a bit over-dramatic.  People do this for destination weddings--they book travel and hotel way in advance.  A non-destination wedding is a lot less inconvenience to your guests.  I don't think wanting a reply from most of your guests 4 weeks in advance is an imposition.  Again, for those who have special work schedules, any reasonable B or G would make an exception for them.
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    Over-dramatic is thinking your wedding is an event that all the guests should be anticipating like Christmas.
    Yet another over-dramatic response.  Most people do place extra importance on attending a wedding as a once in a lifetime event, as opposed to say, a birthday party or girls' night out.  Why do you think people here get so upset about PPDs--because guests put in extra effort to attend a wedding, and would not be willing to put in as much effort to attend a do-over where the B&G are actually already married.

    No one has explained how asking their guests to open their calendar for the next month, see if they are open on the date, check off the appropriate box on the rsvp card, and put it in the mail, is a rude imposition on the invitees.  (Again, if there are special work circumstances for some people, that would be dealt with individually).  Sorry.  I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.


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    PPD's are rude because you're basically saying that people are important enough to get you presents, but not to attend the actual ceremony by which you got married.  It's not considerate of your guests, which is the point of etiquette.

    We can agree to disagree.  After all, I'm reasonable, not an overly dramatic person by any means. It just seems rude to arbitrarily make life more difficult for your guests and then get upset when they don't respond because they can't.  I would RSVP 'no' to pretty much anything at a month out unless I felt it was important enough (like my sister's wedding but probably not anyone further out than that) to ask for the day off.  I'm one of two people who can do my job so I have to ask for any time I really need off WAY far in advance.  But that would be an imposition on me, the guest, and thus rude.
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    @Lilnaz11 - I had a lot of late RSVPers too (over 50%).  Which meant I had a lot of calls to make, as I needed to give final numbers to the florist (for centerpieces) and the mixologist (for ordering drink ingredients for mocktails and cocktails) earlier than I needed to give numbers to the caterer.  My RSVP deadline was about 3 weeks before the wedding.  I totally understand your frustration!  Hopefully, you'll be able to get some answers when you call - I think a lot of people just forget to RSVP. 

    As far as a month before being too early, I think it really depends on your guests.  For me, I will know a month before if I can attend a wedding.  In fact, I prefer to receive wedding invitations as early as possible, so that I can arrange my work schedule accordingly and so I don't RSVP or purchase tickets to a conflicting event.  But, there are many people who don't want to or can't commit to a wedding that far out.  Oddly enough, of my invitees, the ones who didn't know their work schedules all let me know prior to the RSVP deadline that they didn't know their schedules yet (ER doctor, police officer, attorney who had a trial scheduled to start days before my wedding) and gave me a tentative RSVP which I really appreciated (1 of the 3 was able to come as predicted). 

    Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and good luck with your RSVPs!!

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