Pre-Wedding Etiquette

CrazyDiamond129

Hey everyone. I am by no means a girly-girl. I dread having a bridal shower thrown because they're boring, too girly, and full of gifts I'm never going to use. (Me and my fiance live together and already have what we need.) Considering that "greenback" bridal showers are very poor taste, I've been considering the option of a Jack&Jill. My fiance is dead-set against that, because then he said it's improper etiquette for him to have a stag thrown, (which he really wants) because you'd be asking people to fork up money for both parties. I've heard mixed reviews on what people actually make for a Jack&Jill; my cousin and his (now wife) had one in July and made out like bandits with $4,000; whereas a couple that my fiance knows made off with only $60. He says that if he has a stag party, he's be "guaranteed at least $1,000"; but we cannot have both a J&J AND stag. What do you all think? He's dead-set against a Jack&Jill, and I'm dead-set against having a bridal shower. Please, any help would be appreciated! (We're getting married May 31, 2014.)

MobKaz

CrazyDiamond129

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NYCMercedes

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Hey everyone. I am by no means a girly-girl. I dread having a bridal shower thrown because they're boring, too girly, and full of gifts I'm never going to use. (Me and my fiance live together and already have what we need.) Considering that "greenback" bridal showers are very poor taste, I've been considering the option of a Jack&Jill. My fiance is dead-set against that, because then he said it's improper etiquette for him to have a stag thrown, (which he really wants) because you'd be asking people to fork up money for both parties. I've heard mixed reviews on what people actually make for a Jack&Jill; my cousin and his (now wife) had one in July and made out like bandits with $4,000; whereas a couple that my fiance knows made off with only $60. He says that if he has a stag party, he's be "guaranteed at least $1,000"; but we cannot have both a J&J AND stag. What do you all think? He's dead-set against a Jack&Jill, and I'm dead-set against having a bridal shower. Please, any help would be appreciated! (We're getting married May 31, 2014.)

Any help? Ok. Don't do either. It is your responsibility to pay for your own wedding. Don't ever ask anyone for money. It's rude.

CrazyDiamond129

Okay Mercedes, then I'm assuming nobody else on here has ever done the same thing I would want to do?

CrazyDiamond129

There must be a lot of rude people then here in my neck of the woods...Jack&Jills and stags are very standard around here.

blueobsidian

Why does not having a bridal shower mean that you have to have a different party?  If you don't want a bridal shower, just decline any showers offered to you.  You shouldn't even be planning any of your pre-wedding parties anyway, so why not wait and see what people offer to throw for you before making any decisions?

But yeah, you won't find much support for Jack & Jills here.  Asking people for money is always going to be tacky.

banana468

CrazyDiamond129 said:

There must be a lot of rude people then here in my neck of the woods...Jack&Jills and stags are very standard around here.

It's quite possible that there are local customs that are completely against proper etiquette. Jack and Jills, Stags and any pre wedding event that charge admission to guests fall into that category.

Blue_Bird

Both of these ideas are horribly rude.

If someone offers to throw you a bridal shower, just decline. You can not throw pre-wedding parties for yourselves, and you can't charge admission to them. If you want money, don't register for anything. Most people will give you cash.

Christ almighty.

saric83

If you don't want a shower, don't have one.  End of story....no other parties needed to make up for it.  I'm not a fan of showers myself, and I declined all offers of them.  I had a bachelorette but no other pre-wedding parties. 

NYCMercedes

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Okay Mercedes, then I'm assuming nobody else on here has ever done the same thing I would want to do?

I don't know anyone who has done what you're considering.

Xstatic3333

These types of events are not well liked on this board, because the general consensus is that it's rude to ask for money. Period.

What you could do is either decline any showers offered, or if someone offers you could accept a couples' shower. This would be about gifts, not money, so decline if you don't plan on registering. I'd encourage your FI to have a bachelor party instead of a stag, IF someone offers to throw him a party.

CrazyDiamond129

Wow. I guess I know my place on this board.

FYI, in the 860/413 area code, these are rather commonplace.

But to each their own.

I know where you all stand here.

Thanks for your opinions.

MobKaz

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Wow. I guess I know my place on this board.

FYI, in the 860/413 area code, these are rather commonplace.

But to each their own.

I know where you all stand here.

Thanks for your opinions.

Common does not make it appropriate or polite. It just means there is a collective pool of ill-mannered people.

CrazyDiamond129

Thank you for your opinion.

CrazyDiamond129

Thanks for your opinion. But no need to bring Jesus into the conversation.

MobKaz

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Thanks for your opinion. But no need to bring Jesus into the conversation.

I didn't.  What did He have to say about it?

CrazyDiamond129

Blue_bird

astimmel

@CrazyDiamond129, just remember that your wedding isn't about making money. It's about you and your FH celebrating your love and pledging your lives to each other. Whether J&J parties are common where you live or not, it's not ok to be a money-grabber. Your guests will already be shelling out lots of money for a wedding gift, possibly travel, so why would you want them to empty their pockets further? Think about it - that's just kinda mean.

Bridal showers don't have to be girly and there are tons of ways to tailor it to your personality. Please consider doing that before a J&J.

(Also, remember that it's against etiquette to plan your own parties, so someone else should be taking charge in that aspect.)

CrazyDiamond129

astimmel said:

(Also, remember that it's against etiquette to plan your own parties, so someone else should be taking charge in that aspect.)


I never said I was throwing myself a party. That is up to my best friend and/or the best man on whatever they agree would be the best way to go.

astimmel

CrazyDiamond129 said:

astimmel said:

(Also, remember that it's against etiquette to plan your own parties, so someone else should be taking charge in that aspect.)


I never said I was throwing myself a party. That is up to my best friend and/or the best man on whatever they agree would be the best way to go.

Ok, it sounded like you might have been planning it in your original post, so that's why I brought it up.

But I still really super encourage you not to look at these parties as a way to rake in the dough. There's a 99% chance you'll get lots of cash as gifts anyway. Register for some stuff, have the shower (your FI can attend if he doesn't want a separate party), let your friends know to keep it non-girly, and just go with the flow.

ashleyep

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Wow. I guess I know my place on this board.

FYI, in the 860/413 area code, these are rather commonplace.

But to each their own.

I know where you all stand here.

Thanks for your opinions.

I'm not far from the 413 area code and I went to school out there and I know people who have done them and I still think they're horribly tacky and rude.

Having a fundraiser for your wedding, as if having a big fancy wedding is a right, is appalling.

Look, I know they're somewhat common out there and it's possible your guests won't be upset. But it is considered rude to ask for money, and it's certainly horrible etiquette, and there's no way you can guarantee that ALL of your guests won't think it's rude or be offended by it. 

MairePoppy

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Wow. I guess I know my place on this board.

FYI, in the 860/413 area code, these are rather commonplace.

But to each their own.

I know where you all stand here.

Thanks for your opinions.

Hold on there, Crazy, I've lived in area code 860 for decades and no one I know considers it to be socially acceptable to have a fundraiser for a wedding. We have fundraisers for charities or disaster victims. 

svc2014

What is a stag party?

southernbelle0915

@CrazyDiamond129 - I'll give you a rundown on proper etiquette and you can make your decisions from there:

It's rude to ask people for money. Using pre-wedding parties to raise money is rude for this reason. A Jack&Jill is rude because guests are asked for and/or pressured into giving money. A stag party is rude for the same reason. It's never polite to ask people for money. Weddings are not an exception to this rule. Other expressions for asking people for money is panhandling, money-grubbing, begging, freeloading, scrounging, etc.

If someone offers to throw you one of these parties, you should decline their offer because these types of parties are asking for money (rude). What you CAN do without panhandling your guests is accept offers of pre-wedding parties where guests aren't asked for cash. If someone asks you if they can throw you a shower, you can politely accept (and create a small registry - towels and sheets wear out, dishes break, pans warp.. these are things you WILL be able to use even if you pack them away for a few years) or decline. You don't NEED to have a pre-wedding party. And you SHOULDN'T if the sole purpose is to beg for money from your guests.

ETA: Weddings are about the couple getting married, not making money. Fundraisers are for charities and disaster relief. I wouldn't put a wedding in either category.

neludelu

It kinda sounds like you are planning your own party. Maybe it was just ill-worded.

:He says that if he has a stag party, he's be "guaranteed at least $1,000"; <-- one of the most tacky things I have seen written on any of the boards...

MobKaz

neludelu said:

It kinda sounds like you are planning your own party. Maybe it was just ill-worded.

:He says that if he has a stag party, he's be "guaranteed at least $1,000"; <-- one of the most tacky things I have seen written on any of the boards...

Stick around, neludelu.......

banana468

I've lived in CT my entire life. I still stand by what I said.

Viczaesar

leolabrit said:

Wow lots of witchy women on this board. I personally have no clue what a stag party is, and joint bridal shower parties were ok I thought but oh well, I guess I was wrong. I have read asking for money is rude, and if it is, I guess people who don't want TACKY, UGLY, USELESS presents aren't allowed to have a shower. I think the times have changed and giving actual presents is outdated, especially when people sometimes don't buy the present you exactly wanted. I see new appliances and cookware all the time at thrift stores and I just know it came from weddings. Personally since asking for money is supposedly tacky I will just have people give money to charities of our choice because I know if I get presents it will go to charity either way.

No, that's not appropriate either.  You seem to be rather clueless about appropriate wedding behavior; I suggest Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.

grumbledore

mobkaz said:

Cosigned.  If your focus around your wedding is how much money you can make off of your loved ones, please just go away.

grumbledore

CrazyDiamond129 said:

Wow. I guess I know my place on this board.

FYI, in the 860/413 area code, these are rather commonplace.

But to each their own.

I know where you all stand here.

Thanks for your opinions.

Cash bars are common in the 508 area code - doesn't mean they aren't rude.  Something being common doesn't make it polite or good hosting.  I'd advise strongly against any kind of "fundraiser" pre-wedding parties.  Personally, I would absolutely, without reconsideration, decline any such offers.

If you don't want a shower, you can decline, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.